From Ambassador Watch~SPECIAL 2005 SOLSTICE EDITION!

This of course is a rerun from eleven years ago from the old Ambassador Watch website

Christmas greetings from us to Ted
Hope you wake up in the right bed
Be of good cheer
The end is near
If this card is returned we’ll know you’ve fled.


Spare a Thought

Saint Rod

Spare a thought for Uncle Rod who gets no Xmas cheer
And likewise Uncle Gerry receives no seasonal beer

Will Feast of Tabernacles stocks suffice to see them through
Or will empty cellars give them shocks and fill them full of rue?

For those who keep us “chastened” are worthy of reward
And they should get some funds to “Christmas” stocks afford

Come ye of empathetic vein and give a helping hand
Bestow a large donation that perhaps was never planned

Write a check for charity’s sake and send it soon away
Our heroes can’t be sober at all on Christmas Day

A little wine is good for stomach and also general health
Let’s give our boys a hand and let them spend some wealth

Woe to those who will not tithe or with their money part
They are for perdition bent and of the hardest heart

Gerald in the spirit!

Beware the “IDES OF FLURRY”, a terrible time in store
Cough up now, all ye who stall, and give them ever more

Your dollars are not wasted by those so ever short
Great liquors oft are tasted, in fact as well as port

Whether of season, in or out, our champions must be fed
Champagne of finest note in which they dunk their bread

For they are worthy of the best and nothing is denied
An increment all double they would have us provide

And if our conscience is all mean, let’s give a holiday toast
To Uncles Rod and Gerry, but then in hell we roast?


God’s little angel

Gerry the red-nosed pastor,

had a very shiny nose…

And if you ever saw it,

you would even say it glows.

All of the other despots,

used to laugh and call him names…

They wouldn’t let poor Gerry,

join in any power games.

Then one foggy power play,

from the mother church he ran away.

Gerry with your nose so bright,

won’t you have another bud light?

Then how the despots loathed him,

as they shouted out with blame…

Gerry the red-nosed pastor, he’s too “stoned” to play their game.

Does Santa endorse David?

Here Comes Gerry, Here Comes Gerry
Past the prayer rock lane
Here comes Gerry , Here comes Gerry
Yelling we ain’t the same

Mouth is flapping
Mysteries zapping
Strength from all who go round

Going for Dave and in a rage
Ol Gerry’s taking Dave down.

Here Comes Gerry, Here Comes Gerry
Up to David C Pack
Oh what a hussle, oh what a tussle
Gimmme my members back!

Cause you done stole them
Then you rolled them
Of funds sure destined for me.

You’re a liar
Pants on fire
Just give those souls to me.

Here Comes David, Here Comes David
Angels sing on High
He’s real tall so Gerry’s small
The fur is going to fly

Don’t you love it
Let’s not covet
We can share the loot

Don’t get crazy
Say their lazy
One might start to shoot.

So here comes Gerry, Here Comes David
Only one can win
One’s Elijah, one’s Apostle
We just need one sin

Please oh Please drink three or four beers
Drive like mad to your Church
Or declare that you are God now
So we can all just wretch.

There goes Gerry, There goes David
Hey guys what’s up now?

We are God’s men, you offend us
We will zap you wow

We’re the two you’ve heard about
I’m one and Gerry’s two

That’s not so, It’s you that’s two
And on and on it goes……..

Dennis Dieh

Spare a Thought

Spare a thought for Uncle Rod who gets no Xmas cheer
And likewise Uncle Gerry receives no seasonal beer

Will Feast of Tabernacles stocks suffice to see them through
Or will empty cellars give them shocks and fill them full of rue?

For those who keep us “chastened” are worthy of reward
And they should get some funds to “Christmas” stocks afford

Come ye of empathetic vein and give a helping hand
Bestow a large donation that perhaps was never planned

Write a check for charity’s sake and send it soon away
Our heroes can’t be sober at all on Christmas Day

A little wine is good for stomach and also general health
Let’s give our boys a hand and let them spend some wealth

Woe to those who will not tithe or with their money part
They are for perdition bent and of the hardest heart

Beware the “IDES OF FLURRY”, a terrible time in store
Cough up now, all ye who stall, and give them ever more

Your dollars are not wasted by those so ever short
Great liquors oft are tasted, in fact as well as port

Whether of season, in or out, our champions must be fed
Champagne of finest note in which they dunk their bread

For they are worthy of the best and nothing is denied
An increment all double they would have us provide

And if our conscience is all mean, let’s give a holiday toast
To Uncles Rod and Gerry, but then in hell we roast?


Rebel without a Claus
Don’t be so Claustrophobic!

I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it, link by link and yard by yard, while on Earth, and now I will never be rid of it, any more than you will ever be rid of yours! 

Mankind should be our business, Ebenezer, but we seldom attend to it… as you shall see. –Jacob Marley’s Ghost

Carol For Another Christmas

From the poster of this video:

Carol For Another Christmas. Rare 1964 movie is probably the bleakest Christmas movie ever made. When Charles Dickens wrote A Christmas Carol, I wonder if he imagined it might one day be made into a film about the horrors of nuclear war? Funded by Xerox as propaganda for the United Nations, at a cost of $4 million, it originally aired on US television (ABC) on 28 December 1964. Despite the impressive cast (Sterling Hayden, Peter Sellers, Britt Ekland) and involvement of respected writer Rod Serling (The Twilight Zone) and director Joseph L. Mankiewicz (Cleopatra, All About Eve), reaction to the film was understandably negative, with distinctly un-Christmassy scenes that include a visit to Hiroshima.

The “Ghost of Christmas Future” section with Peter Sellers is so surreal that I’m now wondering if this film actually exists or was just a weird dream. ABC never aired it again and it became a bit of a lost classic for almost 50 years, until TCM resurrected it for occasional airing (though it seems they are showing an edited version with Henry Mancini’s music and credit removed, making this original unmodified version even rarer).


Awards: Two Emmy nominations – “Outstanding Individual Achievements in Entertainment, Art Directors and Set Decorators” (Jack Wright Jr. and Gene Callahan), and “Outstanding Program Achievements in Entertainment” (Joseph L. Mankiewicz)

Producer: Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Director: Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Screenplay: Rod Serling (based on A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens)
Cinematography: Arthur J. Ornitz
Production Design: Gene Callahan
Set Direction: Jack Wright Jr.
Music: Henry Mancini
Film Editing: Nathan Greene, Robert Lawrence
Cast: Sterling Hayden (Daniel Grudge), Eva Marie Saint (The Wave), Ben Gazzara (Fred), Barbara Ainteer (Ruby), Steve Lawrence (Ghost of Christmas Past), James Shigeta (The Doctor), Pat Hingle (Ghost of Christmas Present), Robert Shaw (Ghost of Christmas Future), Peter Sellers (Imperial Me), Britt Ekland (The Mother), Peter Fonda (The Son, his scenes were cut from the film but is still present in images on the set).


The Feast is no longer enough

xmas mall escalator

Herbert Armstrong swallowed all of Greenberry George Rupert’s eschatology hook, line and sinker. Rupert believed that the New Testament had not superseded the rules laid out in the Old Testament, and so the laws of Moses should apply to Christians as well as Jews, including kosher diets and other practices: Whatever was not explicitly changed or eliminated in the New Testament remained in effect. Adapting the Adventist view of Seven church eras, Rupert argued that the “Philadelphia” phase was the period in which William Miller worked (from 1833 to 1844). The final era, “Laodicea” began in 1844 and would last until the End Times. He also denied the immortality of the soul, asserting that man is mortal, but can be given eternal life. Traditional Christian holidays were in fact “heathen”. Armstrong reveled in this and when he entered into the Church of God Seventh Day, he was filled with hubris because he knew — he just knew — that the knowledge he had was superior to that of the CoG7D. He believed that he was better than everybody else because he had the knowledge of G. G. Rupert. Herbert Armstrong didn’t really come up with much new stuff on his own — he ‘borrowed’ and stole it, claiming he was taught personally by Jesus Christ. One of the main things he got from Rupert was the Feast of Tabernacles, which was to picture the millennium. He accepted Rupert’s dictum that Xmas was pagan.

Through the early years into the 1960s, Herbert Armstrong and his henchmen established the Feast in Big Sandy, Texas. These were the times when simple people, many of whom were farmers, drove thousands of miles to set up their tents in the hot, humid, bug infested, dusty camp to attend what to us today would seem excruciatingly boring sermons about the future — littered with gory tales of grotesque suffering of the Great Tribulation — with the attendant assurances that there would be a Place of Safety to be safely nestled away from doomsday Armageddon to inherit eternal life in positions of power, prestige and prosperity to dominate the hapless humans who actually survived the horrifying events of death, destruction, devastation and acres of blood, decimated by nuclear and conventional war. The Feast was an exciting time, fraught with people actively talking about the Bible and Scriptures on tailgates of pickups and vans while they snacked on cheese and wine. It may have been a purely secular physical experience but in the delusional minds of the goers, it was the height of spirituality. There were prophecies galore. People were assured and just knew that these things would shortly come to pass in their lifetimes. They made sacrifices and lived in what many would consider misery for 8 days just for the pure joy of doing it. It was worth it to them to spend ten percent of their gross income on it, even having given away another ten percent to support the profligate lifestyle of the Armstrongs and their henchmen.

Alas. Herbert Armstrong was wrong. He gave everyone assurances at the Feast of Tabernacles at Penticton in 1971: “Follow me,” he cried holding up an imperious finger, “I will lead you into the Kingdom”. The only place he could have led us is into death because he died in 1986 without a single one of his ‘inspired’ prophecies coming to pass in his lifetime — including the proposition that we would all flee in 1972 for the Place of Safety and that Jesus would return in 1975. Time marched on, taking no prisoners. The Worldwide Church of God tacitly dropped the Feasts and changed its name, effectively going out of business. There remained a rebellious hardy minority who set off on their own to continue the Old Testament physical observances in complete variance with the tenets of the New Testament and particularly the Epistles of the Apostle Paul, many of which were forgeries.

The various sects of the Cult of Herbert Armstrong Mafia went forth to replicate the unsuccessful patterns of the past on the premise that nothing happening was a sure sign that something was about to. And so it was, the Armstrongites with their hireling henchmen continued the delusion of British Israelism and ancient Israelism devoid of spiritual content by doing exactly what Herbert Armstrong taught them to do: Lie to themselves in distorted perception delusions, creating a de facto religious insanity, predicated on the idea that they could get something for nothing, since, after all, it was a gift of God and they would have great power and beauty if only they persisted in forking over their livelihood to convincing con men.

You have to know where this goes. Every time someone accepts a lie in place of the truth, sooner or later disappointment, dissatisfaction and apathy set in.

So the ersatz Feasts continued apace with a renewed vigor with enthusiastic participants. This time though, the Armstrongists were familiar with the idea of creature comforts, seeing as how they attended not a Feast of the Lord, but a religious business convention of the sort held by Fortune 500 companies introducing a new product or rallying customers with a business conference. Mostly the tents disappeared. Tailgating and cooking over outdoor fires was replaced with 3 to 5 star restaurants, or, more likely, fast food joints. The sermons went from two to three a day to one a day, with social activities filling the void. There were cruises, dinners out, dancing, singles activities, family day and a host of attractions provided by the purveyors of pleasure and excitement by the local business, such as, but not restricted to, ice skating, gondola rides, tours and the such.

As time went on as the years rolled by, the excitement of Bible Study within the framework of even more exciting prophetic pronouncements dimmed. The bloom was off the rose. People learned to save 10% on their net income and also didn’t just spend it at the Feast — if there was money left over, many would refuse to turn it in to the church and simply spent it on themselves later after the Feast. Many of the sects also dropped third tithe, since the fatherless, widows and orphans were expected to live on government subsidies and, in some cases, if someone did get whatever little third tithe they had, they had to pay it back. Cults have long memories, particularly when it come to money — the focus of their existence (along with hubris — or if you are a particularly vain arrogant Englishman, HuBrits). In actual fact, many don’t even read the flagship magazine if there is one. People have been getting bored and are dissatisfied with the lack of performance their stock has in the cult sects. World Prophecy just isn’t shaping up, no matter how much they continue to watch Fox News. The lackadaisical participants of this rigmarole need a great deal more stimulation, particularly social interaction, for even rudimentary survival of the very boring irrelevant useless cult sects led by sociopaths and psychopaths who care not one whit about their ‘members’.

And so it is, even though it is banned, the Armstrongists are keeping Christmas.

xmas mall

Oh, they claim they are not keeping it — after all, they aren’t exchanging gifts and sending each other Xmas cards, but still, they meet at convention centers convenient to malls all through Christmas week in preplanned get-togethers which are not all that cheap. They do secular things like play basketball. The singles get together. And many do what they’ve always done, they go out drinking because so many of the Armstrongists are boozing alcoholics. Banned! has capitalized upon this with their article, Living Church of God Annual Christmas Party, but, of course, Living isn’t the only one, since United is doing it too. And who knows what other groups are setting forth in their one horse sleighs?

Just be sure that no matter where these little social get togethers are being held, they are near some major shopping mall. For it is that the ACoGs have gone secular and they learned long ago to shop during the Feast of Tabernacles.

If it weren’t for the name on the door (or the placards), you probably wouldn’t know if you were at the Feast of Tabernacles or at a non Xmas Christmas party.


It's Springtime

Armstrongist Minister Just After Coming Out Of Hibernation
Armstrongist Minister Just After Coming Out Of Hibernation

And you know what that means: Armstrongist leaders come out of hibernation after a brief winter respite to grouch about stupid stuff that doesn’t mean a thing to anyone but them — it’s embarrassing as they come loaded for bear to bare their grouchy opinions of what’s wrong with the world. It gets to be unbearable.

They quickly get their bearings and start bearing down on their prey:

Armstrong Ministers Quickly Find Their Bearings
Armstrong Ministers Quickly Find Their Bearings

It isn’t long that they are all grumpy about rabbits:

Bunny With Eggs
Bunny With Eggs

They can’t bear the thought that people would ever think that bunnies would lay eggs — and not just eggs in some cases, but chocolate eggs — so they come out with The Plain Truth About Easter, baring their souls and insisting that Easter is pagan and that bunnies can’t lay eggs. This is silly of course because no one really thinks that bunnies lay eggs (wink, wink). It’s all part of the fun of spring time and there are fun social customs associated with the spring equinox that have a long tradition of history. There are even Easter Egg Hunts on the White House Lawn. This drives the grumps of Armstrongism to despair. They just can’t bear the thought that something was so, so, so… Pagan, could ever be part of any sort of Christian associated practice.

It’s silly of course. No one really believes that bunnies lay eggs and in the scheme of things it’s pretty harmless. Of much more concern is the fact that until Easter no one can wear white.

This is a big time of year for the Armstrongists as they bang the drum to drum up business based on, well, it’s so wrong! They are so obsessed about this that they have booklets decrying the practices of what they view to be deeply rooted in paganism.

After this, they settle down a bit for awhile and have some pretty barren months until the long hot summer is over (winter south of the Equator) and fall sets in. Then they start in again with their rants about Holydays or Holidays, which is rather ironic because the only real holiday in the United States around that time is Labor Day, which, if you think about it is kind of a misnomer, since people don’t generally work on that day and take it off: You’d think that’s a day they would work, since it’s Labor Day… get it? What they are aiming for is to expound the message of the Feast of Tabernacles to declare that an ancient Bronze Age observance of physical rituals by Israelites (who didn’t actually keep it centuries at a time) some how pictures Christ reigning a thousand years with a rod of iron, which he is just going to hand over to them so they can abuse people, not realizing that no one can really keep the Feasts, since there is no temple, no altars, no Levite priests to offer animal heave offerings and no Sanhedrin to keep the whole thing together, not to mention which, the Jews themselves know their calendar for the schedule of keeping these things is wrong but they can’t fix it because they haven’t had a Sanhedrin for something going on 1,700 hundred years or more. One wonders how physical rituals given to a physical people who didn’t have the Holy Spirit could actually be all that spiritual when practiced in the 21st centuries supposedly by Christians, albeit, Olde Testament Christian Pharisees. Of course, one of the things they don’t mention up front as part of their sales package is the Day of Atonement, which, calling it a feast is sort of stretch, but given that United declared recently that old and infirm people can eat and drink on that Day because of health reasons, there may not be as much a tough sell on the matter.

Things go on after the Feast without too much major maladjustment up until right around Thanksgiving, then they unleash again about all the pagan practices of Christmas and New Years. This is rather ironic, because behind the scenes, these people use the Winter Solstice holidays to have their happy time of their Winter Festival, which is sort of like the Feast, but not really and sort of like Christmas / New Years and more really. Of course, there’s some dissent by some objecting to the obvious cognitive dissonance of keeping worldly holidays in much the same way and in the same convention centers used by the great unwashed pagan Christians who do keep Christmas and Easter. It would be interesting to check for sure, but it is probably the case that the drinking patterns of the two are probably very similar, except the Armstrongists may have an edge.

It is shortly after this point that the Armstrongists go into their dank caves to hibernate until it’s spring again, only to start the cycle all over again.

Of course, these particular creatures may have meetings. They don’t always agree — especially when they are of different social groups competing for the same resources:

Armstrongist Ministers Disagree At Conference
Armstrongist Ministers Disagree At Conference

Something about baring their teeth, but I won’t go there.

Of course, we can do a lot to fix this problem. It’s an environmental issue. First of all, there are too many of these creatures for a sustainable ecology. They war over turf. There’s not only not enough to go around, but you’d be surprised how much litter they leave in their wake. The booklets and magazines don’t always get recycled and it’s a real problem for the environment. There’s another problem: They produce toxic waste and much of their material is from recycled garbage. If it looks familiar, you’ve seen it all before.

Now some who are not familiar with this species may wonder about the issues presented here. It’s wild and crazy out there. Sometimes you have to know where to look. Often you need to be vigilant to be careful you don’t broach their feeding grounds. If any need assistance, Google should be able to help. They should be avoided at all costs.

There is only one way to be sure to control their numbers: Don’t feed them. The best thing to do is starve them of tithes and they will move on to greener pastures… so to speak:

Please Don't Feed The Bears
Take away their tithes!

“Why I Don’t Celebrate Christmas”

Remember back in your school days that there were kids who didn’t celebrate Christmas? Maybe you were one.

Mr. Thompson: Now Billy will tell us what he is going to do over the holidays. Billy…

Billy: My family and I don’t celebrate Christmas because Mr. Armstrong said it was pagan. My minister at church says that Christmas really isn’t celebrating the birthday of Jesus, but that it is Satan’s holiday. And that Jesus was not even born in the winter season!

We don’t exchange gifts either because the wise men only gave gifts to baby Jesus. Our minister says we should give to God by sending extra money to the church instead.

Mr. Thompson: (Interrupting) Billy, this is suppose to be about what your going to do during the holidays! Continue please…

Billy: Ok Mr Thompson. My family and me are going to meet our church friends to celebrate our winter holiday. It is lots of fun playing with my friends. My dad gets to meet with the other dads over in the bar. They have lots of fun in there but my dad will probably get angry again. We don’t have the kind of fun that other people do by celebrating Christmas. There will be a tree at the winter holiday, but we don’t put it up. The other people don’t know that they celebrate Nimrod the mighty hunter against the Lord birthday. They hang up ornaments of angels on trees that represent dead babies. The other ornaments on the tree are Nimrods Testicles! Did you know that on Nimrods birthday the pagan people used to feed babies to the fire? It’s true and….

Mr. Thompson: (Interrupting again) Billy, that is horrible! Who teaches that kind of stuff to you??? Your parents?

Billy: Oh no Mr. Thompson, our church teaches us God’s word. It’s in the bible. Mr. Armstrong was God’s apostle and a special prophet and God taught him this stuff! He told us that Santa really is another name for Satan.

The audience is now in shock at this point….

Mr. Thompson: (Interrupting a third time) Billy, don’t you keep those Jewish days as a holiday? Do you know where they came from?

Billy: Yes Mr. Thompson. God gave them to ancient Israel. They were God’s special people and our church is descendants of them and the promises God made.

Mr. Thompson: Billy, those “holidays” that your family celebrates are also of pagan origin. Did you know that? In the old times, ancient Canaanite festivals were adopted just as Christmas was adopted centuries ago. These ancient Israelite festivals have Canaanite origins, and I can prove this because of the agricultural characteristics and because some ancient Israelite months have the same names as the Canaanite months for their own religious purposes. So you see Billy, all festivals are pagan. It is just in what spirit you keep them in. Remember, it is all about our attitude when…

Billy: (Interrupting) But Mr. Thompson, my family is part of God’s true church and God cannot lie!

Mr. Thompson: (Patience running thin) Billy, I know that you mom and dad keep Thanksgiving, don’t they? Is that also pagan?

Billy: No Mr. Thompson, it’s all right to keep Thanksgiving because God inspired Thomas Jefferson and Mr. Franklin to write our constitution. That means it is all right with God!

Mr. Thompson: (Sighing) Billy, the founders were mostly atheists. Did you know that? How did you pass your history class last year???

Billy: I don’t know…

Mr. Thompson: And for your information, Thanksgiving also has it’s origins in paganism. European harvest festivals copied and adopted by the new Americans.

Billy: Well, we don’t practice drunkenness and gluttony like everyone else does! And we don’t promote idolatry by having Christmas trees in our houses. Jeremiah 10 says “Do not learn the ways of the nations, the practices of the peoples are worthless. They cut a tree out of the forest, and a craftsman makes it with his chisel. The people decorate it with silver and gold. They nail it with a hammer so it will not fall over. Their idols cannot speak and they must be carried.” So you can see Mr. Thompson, Christmas trees are pagan!

Mr. Thompson: Billy! Jeremiah is condemning idolatry! The people back then made little statues of their gods! That passage you remembered so well is not talking about Christmas trees, but idols!

An idol is an image or other object representing a deity to which religious worship is addressed or any person or thing regarded with blind admiration, adoration, or devotion. What did you say the name was of your churches apostle?

Billy: (Looking down at the floor) Mr. Armstrong.

Mr. Thompson: Very well Billy. You may sit down and we will hear something from another student that may well be more uplifting and intelligent. Go on, sit! Mary, will you come up here and tell us what you will be doing this holiday season….