by John B
I've talked to a lot of people and no one seems to remember exactly when Jesus returned to Earth in power and glory. Jehovah's Witnesses believe it happened in 1914, though that seems a bit unlikely. But Herbert Armstrong promised us Christ would return before the year 2000, and Gerald Waterhouse assured us it would happen before Mr. Armstrong died. So it must have been just before 1986 or so.
Whenever it happened, we're very happy to have the Millennium with us, with all the peace and joy and wonderfulness that came with it. No more crime, no more wars, no more tears or sorrow. Thankee, Jesus!
And the movies! For several years now we've been sharing the best Millennium Movies with you, and 2006 is no exception. This year we concentrate less on the actors and more on the subject material. And, since the Council of Elders has decreed that we should eschew competition, the rating system has been discarded. So...here are the top movies for the 2006 season, in all their God-like glory!
The Chronicles of Nerdia: The Liar, the Bitch, and the Worldwide
Preview not available, but the title says it all.
The 41 Year Old Virgin
Sometimes hilarious, sometimes tragic, this tale of a 41 year-old Worldwide "bachelor" who still lives with his mother is sure to have an impact. Deeply moving.
Herbie Honky and the Chocolate Factory
When donations begin to flag, an end-time apostle, after preaching for decades about the evils of white sugar, discovers a sure-fire money-maker to ensure his continued privileged lifestyle. He converts the Loma D Armstrong Center into a giant candy factory and sells the product to members and co-workers for 10% of their gross annual salary (plus generous offerings).
Herbie: Stoned and Loaded
While shopping for a new limousine, an aging apostle is so high on Dom Perignon that he buys a rusty Volkswagen instead. Hilarious!
War of the Worldwide
An apostle in charge of a worldwide church wages war on the estranged wife of one of his evangelists, spending millions of dollars in a losing lawsuit simply to harass the woman. (Don't miss the companion documentary on A&E's UnAmerican Justice!)
Fun With Ted's Dick...and Jane
A well-known TV evangelist, son of a worldwide cult master, having fun with female college students, ministers' wives...and massage parlor operators. (Presented in "HD" format)
X-Men-isters 3
Third boring tale about the ridiculous antics of about a hundred pathetic "apostles" trying to make a living off the fragments of the collapsed WCG empire.
Broke...Back to the Mountain
Two lonely cowboys are sucked into the Worldwide Church of God by threats of the end of the world. They move to the city and work for the college, but their modes of speech and dress make them targets of ridicule. After years of paying triple tithes, and no end of the world in sight, penniless, they drift back to the mountains from whence they came. Upon marking and disfellowshipping them, a prominent evangelist named Rod publicly declares that they are QUEERS!
Good Night, and Go Fuck Yourself
A 1930s radio evangelist pioneers a money-making scheme that turns into a worldwide cult organization. This film explores the behind-the-scenes cynicism of the organization.
Little Chicken
A small, shriveled, cowardly Pastor General refuses to make his accounting ledgers public so that people can see where their donations are being spent. When cornered on the issue, he distracts attention by squealing that the sky is falling...or will start to fall within 10-20 years...or less!
King Koin
A church expedition to make a religious documentary encounters a prehistoric creature so amazing that the evangelist in charge is convinced he can use it to make millions (to finance "The Work", of course). The creature is captured and returned to Pasadena, where it is billed as King of kings (of beasts, of course). But the creature breaks loose and rampages across Ambassador College campus, eventually climbing to the 4th floor of the Administration Building, where it seizes control of the college and the church, establishing itself as pastor-general. This film is notable for its unprecedented computer graphic effects -- the creature is so lifelike that it actually looks like a real Russian.
03/03/2006