I Want To Start My Own Religion
(The story below takes place at an unknown place in the year 425 A.D.)
I want to start my own religion. I think it can be done. Let me share with you my objective and my 10 step plan as how I shall do it:
ObjectiveI'll be honest with you, I want to make a lot of money! The tax breaks alone granted church organizations have made religion a multi-trillion dollar business worldwide. Make no mistakes about it, religion is BIG business. Most church organizations (particularly the Roman Catholic Church) have financial advisors, real estate holdings, stocks & bonds, issue loans with interest, along with a host of other money making methods. I want a piece of that pie.
I love power and control. There are three subjects that instill the most conversation and passion in people: religion, politics and sex. With my new religion I can have all three! I will have political power as my new religion and church financial holdings grow, and I can have all the sex (safe) I want as indicated by the past history of the papacy, and contemporary religious scandals show.
I will focus on peoples' fears, superstitions and ignorance regarding God and the afterlife. I have seen how many of the other religions have profited tremendously from this tried and true method. You know what they say: "If it aint broke don't fix it". I shall convince the people that a God who has the capability of creating this vast and limitless universe cares about every single individual. Even though God created all things here and beyond with an infinitesimal amount of his power, they will believe he cares about them personally. It's worked before, I know it can again.
Plan1) I need to find someone in history who may or may not have existed to be the messiah of my new religion. I know there are other religions that have no physical person as their focal point, but I think having one does help.
2) I will follow the success formula of the other major religions and copy/incorporate into my new religion all that I like from the religions before mine.
3) This is the most important part of my plan. I shall write a "holy book" to substantiate all the claims of my new religion. I will say it's inspired, to give it credibility. Even though it's my religion giving its own book the stamp of inspiration/credibility, I'm sure no one will notice. It's worked before.
4) I shall keep my new holy book in the hands of my priests for as long as I can. I will not allow it to be translated into the common language of the ignorant people I want to control. Since there is no way with today's technology to mass produce my holy book, my priests and I will control its content.
5) I will edit, delete and add to my holy book freely. Since I alone posses the only originals, no one can stop me. If a religious, moral or political issue comes up and my created messiah did not address it, I can re-edit my holy book and put the words in his mouth. Remember...no one will know, I control my holy book.
6) In case I forget to cover a subject in my holy book, I have a great idea for how to cover my ass in the future. I shall never, never, never have my created messiah answer a question directly. My created messiah will talk in parables, like most parables they will be subject to interpretation. This will give my priests room to work with when confronted with tough questions.
7) I predict that it will be almost 1,000 years before man develops the technology to mass reproduce my holy book. This will give my priest 1,000 years to edit, delete and add to my holy book freely. I'm confident in that amount of time my holy book will be able to refute questions from any dirty little atheist/heretic/pagan/heathen.
8) I will convert the leader of my country to my new religion. I will even allow him to have a say into what my holy book's content should be. With the leader of my country in my hip pocket, I will convince him to use his imperial power to shove my new religion down the throats of the ignorant people. If they complain too strongly, they will be killed.
9) With the government behind me and its military might to support me, I will have them burn libraries, destroy pagan temples, kill heretics, have blasphemers imprisoned, exile my outspoken brethren, torture the innocent, have holy wars and disrespect other religions. This wholesale destruction unparalleled in the history of mankind hopefully will accomplish two things. It will eliminate any other religious choices for the ignorant people and it should destroy all the other pagan religions' history. At worst, pagan history will be fragmented enough so as not to reveal the deceptive truth about my new religion.
10) And finally...I will have my devout followers tamper/interpolate with the ancient documents that are left so there will be mention of my created messiah in history.
This is my 10 step plan to start my new religion, it's worked before...I know it can again.
I welcome all calm and rational responses pro and con to this message and anything else concerning the origins of Christianity and Comparative Religion. My intent is not to offend or to tell anyone what to believe. I just want people to start asking questions. Feel free to e-mail me direct: firstname.lastname@example.org
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