special05

There was an old codger called Rod
Whose beliefs were incredibly odd
He said "the world's endin'
"Your tithes I'll be spendin'
"Just pretend that they're going to God."

In sermons, Rod the evangelist tends
To tell stories about his disloyal friends,
And how he's a victim.
But those friends, Rod, YOU picked 'em!
Listen closely, it's the truth that he bends.

Anon

A teetotaler now, Prophet Flurry
Makes prophecies seem, well, quite blurry.
"Those verses? They're about me!
If you weren't Laodicean, you'd see."
Now build me a school in a hurry!

Anon

There're men who claim the name minister
Who truthfully are quite sinister.
They take all your bread
But wish you well fed
While spankings they rush to administer.

Leigh

There was a cult leader named Flurry
Who needed more funds in a hurry
I'll build a house for God
Sheeple will give me the nod
They'll also dig deep. What me worry?

Dennis Rijkstra

He's been gone now in years near a score;
He was rich but his heirs now are poor.
Had he been less dogmatic—
Not quite so theocratic—
Then his legacy could have meant more.

Reg Killingley

A FIVE VERSE LIMERICK

There once was a fellow named Diehl
Who preached with fanatical zeal
But when he found out
He had been taught by a lout
He suddenly altered his spiel

The lout was good at bamboozlin’
His son excelled at kannoodlin’
The three tithes in a year
Was enforced with great fear
Great twas the bag holding the boodle in

But truth will always come out
Full strength against deceit by a lout
The trained AC corps
Reviled evermore
And grace beat law in a rout

Rebellious the tithe-slaves became
The Diehl was covered with shame
How could God in heaven
Let me preach such leaven
And cause me to sink from my fame?

Taught theology from Dr. Seuss
The Diehl became a masseuse
No God does exist
On humanism he’ll subsist
And on AW writings produce

Von Howitzer

Bob E's entries

Today there are so many cogs,
They are stacked like a pile of logs,
But the wolves are inside,
And they are raping the bride,
It seems the cogs have gone to the dogs.

To all those spiritual dictators,
Who shred the body like a cluster of 'gators,
Be forewarned of your fate,
For it's something you'll hate,
Repent before you meet your Creator

Same song, different verse,
The cogs have gone from bad to worse,
They stick folks up, and take their money,
One could laugh, but it isn't funny,
The harm they've done is quite perverse.

There once was a rogue pres named Clyde,
Who took tithe payers for a ride,
“Pension and health plans we do need.”
To slake their rapacious greed?
It's expensive, this ego and pride.

There was an old wolf named Spanky,
Who would put up with no hanky-panky,
To his daughter he said,
“Bend over the bed,
While I paddle till you're no longer cranky.”

Beware of the wolf named Flurry,
Who pretends he is all warm and furry,
But just ask him a question,
About his obsession,
And you'll experience a bit of his fury.

There once was a mythter named Pack,
Who kept all of his loot in a sack,
But the sack's got a hole,
And that poor corporate soul,
Will be forced to live in a shack.

There once was a stalker in Seattle,
Who prowled while his minister prattled,
But they took him to court,
And it brought him up short,
Now both minister and stalker are rattled.

A self-proclaimed scholar named Fred,
Invented an NT in his head,
But it was so full of error,
That it would be much fairer,
To use it to prop up my bed.

Old Rod likes to quote Fred's translation,
Without giving the proper citation,
One day he'll get caught,
And then he'll be fraught,
And known as a fraud in the nation.

A proclamation was issued by Gerry,
“Burn all my old lit that you carry,
For I don't want any proof,
That I'm just a big goof,
So light a large fire, and don't tarry.”

Craig thinks he'll be safe while in Jordan,
Being under the watch of a cog warden,
But he's in for a surprise,
Cause he made a surmise,
That Petra is cooler than Abaddon

A self-proclaimed scholar named Bob,
Thinks Ignatius did a wonderful job,
“Ig worked hard for six days,
And on the seventh sang praise.”
But his research makes him look like a slob.

There was a man from Pasadena
A meaner man you've never seena
He said "I don't care
what you see or you hear,
I am God, PUT AWAY THAT SUBPOENA!"

Russell Miller

There was a young Raider named Stan,
And Herb thought that Stan was “da man”
But, ah, here’s the rub
Stan got dunked in a tub
Then away with Herb’s money he ran.

Lea Anne

A poor angler would come from Nantucket
To church with 10 fish in a bucket
If the pastor should bleat
“Lay your tithes at my feet”
He would take out one fish and would chuck it.

(If that limerick is not up to scratch,
Or the criteria don’t sufficiently match,
It will take a short while,
Or may prove quite a trial,
But another idea will hatch.)

NCC

There once was a man name of Pack
That's spelled "megalomaniac."
"I am an apostle.
Your brain? That's a fossil.
Defer to me, or I'll attack!"

Anon

There once was a man of the cloth
Who was more like a man of the sloth.
He jiggled his jowls...
Activated his bowels
And slimed us with putrefied froth.

Leigh

There once was a horrid old man
Who took all our money and ran.
He flew in his jet
While our needs were not met
Now I curse him whenever I can

Leigh

There was an apostle from Nantucket
Who got his head stuck in a bucket
He thrashed and he flailed
but ultimately failed
to get his head out, and yelled "darn it!"

Russell Miller

There was once a tall pastor named Pack
Who sure did preach hard, but didn't know Jack
Preached four hours to his flock
Who ate up the whole crock
Your Apostle speaking--No talking back

Dennis Rijkstra

A FOUR VERSE LIMERICK

There once was a man of rich taste.
He needed much money post haste.
He created a church
Put folks in a lurch
So he could live in excess and waste.

He lived so lavish and fine.
In his belly he poured the best wine.
His tableware grand
His limo at hand
While the rest of us starved most the time.

Three tithes was never enough
He needed more expensive stuff.
His visits abroad
In the pure name of gaud,
Was just so much hype and fluff

After all of it's said and done,
He sure had a whole lot of fun.
But it's over you see
Cold and still now is he,
N'ere again to feel warmth of the sun.

Leigh

And more from Bob E

One day ol' Gerry the lush,
Got pulled over while in a rush,
He got charged with D.U.I.,
But ask Gerry and he'll deny,
That he ever with the law had a brush.

There's a new disease called Packomania,
Sounds like something that comes from Romania,
But it's a sickness homegrown,
And it's actually a clone,
Of another American megalomania.

There is a old preacher named Hulme,
Who's quite harmless, or so they assume,
But he keeps his head low,
So no one will know,
That their money he gets to consume.

I'm told about 400 hold in awe,
An old preacher named Ritenbaugh,
They get on the phone,
And listen to him drone,
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

This is a Henson alert,
His muppets have gone to the desert,
Where he sold them a lot,
Which he claims is the spot,
Where they'll be safe on that dry patch of dirt.

There was an old spider, McNair,
Who has woven many webs in his lair,
From one he got booted,
When he should have saluted,
Now he's woven yet another, be aware!

There was a corporate preacher from Nantucket,
Who lusted after others' money, to pluck it,
At last in his greed,
He began to succeed,
And he had to carry his loot in a bucket.

Pray, pay, and obey,
That is what those donkeys bray,
Boy, those preachers sure are greedy,
As they exploit the poor and needy,
They're hypocrites with feet of clay.

There once was a prophet named Willie,
Who gives so many dates he looks silly,
He always makes it seem,
Like it'll be another ten or fifteen,
To which my answer is “Oh really?”

Charity begins at home, they say,
I guess that's why those tithers pay,
All those preachers give them the sprockets,
While putting the money in their pockets,
The work can wait another day.

We are told by cog folks that we oughter,
Not be watching those movies 'bout Potter,
They think a tale of good vs evil,
Is bound to cause an upheaval,
And we'll end up in a place that's much hotter.

All those corporate preachers get paid,
With the money that others have made,
In woolly suits they look sleek,
And yet even more do they seek,
Plans for pension and health they have laid.

There are some who aspire to the upper classes,
'Cause they wish to rule over the masses,
But those wolves in wool suits,
Have evil for roots,
And are in fact a bunch of asses.

SILENT NIGHT

Silent night, Kinda sad Night
Campus sold, They did right
Round yon PG, the sycophants cling
Stole your money
Now hide the whole thing

Sleep in Heavenly Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeace
Boy are we good at the fleece

Silent Night, Don't be uptight
Members bail, at the sight.
Stories steam of the smooze that they do
PTM articles mostly foo foo

Sleeeep in Heavenly reeeeeeeest
Evangelicals love them the best.

Silent Night, everything's gone
No sense in having a church with no song
Gas too expensive to drive to some house
When we get there, it's just me and a mouse

Where did the people all gooooooooooooooooo
Guess they found out twas just show.

Dennis Diehl

DECK THE HALLS

Deck our Halls with your great money...Ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha ha ha
We have won and think it's funny....Ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha ha. ha.
Don we now our spiffy clothing........ha ha ha...ha ha ha.. ha ha ha
Can't you tell you're for our loathing. Ha ha ha ha ha.. ha ha ha ha.

See our fancy cars before you.. ha ha ha ha ha ..ha ha ha ha
Office nice, ok we're bored there. ha ha ha ha ha.. ha ha ha ha
Move we in our new computers ha ha ha...ha ha ha.. ha ha ha
We're the rich ones...you're the losers ha ha ha ha ha....ha ha ha ha

Fast away the old year passes ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha ha ha
Of you all we have made asses ha ha ha ha ha.. ha ha ha ha
Yet we think we are quite brilliant ha ha ha...ha ha ha.. ha ha ha
Good to see you're all resilient ha ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha ha ha

Dennis Diehl

HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS

Here Comes Gerry, Here Comes Gerry
Past the prayer rock lane
Here comes Gerry , Here comes Gerry
Yelling we ain't the same

Mouth is flapping
Mysteries zapping
Strength from all who go round

Going for Dave and in a rage
Ol Gerry's taking Dave down.

Here Comes Gerry, Here Comes Gerry
Up to David C Pack
Oh what a hussle, oh what a tussle
Gimmme my members back!

Cause you done stole them
Then you rolled them
Of funds sure destined for me.

You're a liar
Pants on fire
Just give those souls to me.

Here Comes David, Here Comes David
Angels sing on High
He's real tall so Gerry's small
The fur is going to fly

Don't you love it
Let's not covet
We can share the loot

Don't get crazy
Say their lazy
One might start to shoot.

So here comes Gerry, Here Comes David
Only one can win
One's Elijah, one's Apostle
We just need one sin

Please oh Please drink three or four beers
Drive like mad to your Church
Or declare that you are God now
So we can all just wretch.

There goes Gerry, There goes David
Hey guys what's up now?

We are God's men, you offend us
We will zap you wow

We're the two you've heard about
I'm one and Gerry's two

That's not so, It's you that's two
And on and on it goes........

Dennis Diehl

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY

Jooooooooooe they call him da bum da dumb bum
Eternal King to all...da bum da dumb bum
He's always there, passed down from father to son
It's just like Herb, you'd think we say this was dumb, man this was dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Wiiiiilllllll he never leave da bum da dumb bum
There's nothing left for him to do but run and to run
The church is gone as well as all of the stuff
The messages are nothing but fluff, fluffy fluff fluff, fluffy fluff fluff

Joooooooe they call him da dumb da dumb bum
It's not been fun...dumb yes real dumb. Please no more sons...dumb that's real dumb.

Dennis Diehl

HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING

Hark the Living Church doth sing
Sooon we'll have a brand new King
Crosses are what we don't use
Keep that crap out of the news!

Joyful is not how to cry
Rather that all men must die
It's so cool, it's only us
Leaving on God's holy Bus...

Hark the Living Church doth crank
If you come, HE will not spank.

Dennis Diehl

O HOLY NIGHT

Oh Holy Cow, they think it's Jesus birthday
They think that Jesus was really born today

When did their brains, collapse into the ceeeeelllar
And tell the rest of us all to go awaaaaaaay.

We're not as dumb as Joe and Greg all think us
We've figured out that they are holy stinkaas

Faaaaaaaaaaaall on your knees
And say the words "we're sorry"
Heu Veh we know your weathy
But not so spiritually healthy....

Heu Veeeeh, Heu veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...a a.
Heu Veh....Oh Hooooooly Cooowwwwwwww!

Dennis Diehl

JINGLE BELLS

Jingle Bells, religion sells
It's money all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
If someone else will pay....aaay.

Jingle Bells, something smells,
Three tithes we must pay.
Oh what crap it is to bide
To stay and pay and pray.

Dashing to the bank in a limo bright and gay,
'Ore the poor they go, laughing all the way.
Cash registers will ring, making spirits bright,
Oh what fun, they love to sing a slaying song tonight.

Jingle bells, let's rebel
To religion just say, Nay!
Oh what fun it is to ride
Into a bright new day.

Leigh

IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR

It came upon a Sabbath Clear
Watcher supreme I shall be
And tell the troops this afternoon
To give allegiance to me

But then I thought
What's wrong with me, It's really all quite a hassle
I'll simply up the ante now
And declare my self an Apostle

Peace on the earth, just don't ask me
For help when hard times do come
For I am, I am, I am, I am.....
Quite a compassionless bum.

Dennis Diehl

THE FIRST NOEL

The first "Oh well" , the pastors did say
Was the moment I knew that we'd all pass away
For we spo oke not up, and for that we shall be
Full of shame and regret eternally.

Oh well, oh well, oh well oooooooooooh weeeellllll
We got the shaft too and don't feel so swell

The pastors did quake, when the gang looked their way
Thinking who can we trash on this glorious day
They looked this way and that
Finding many to slay
Throwing pastor and member so easily away.

Oh well, oh well, ooooh welll, oooooooooooooh wellllll el
They got the goodies and said go to hell.

Oh well, oh well, oh well, this is sweellllllll
They got the goodies and we went to hell.

Dennis Diehl

GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN

God rest ye merry worldwiders, let nothing you dismay,
Remember not what Trechak wrote of former Armstrong days;
Forget ye all the Herbert years when we were led astray.

Refrain
Few tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
Few tidings of comfort and joy

In Oregon, in USA, this blessed church was born,
And broadcast on the radio with much prophetic porn;
To which the sheep then gathered all ready to be shorn.

Refrain

We gave to Herb our lives and tithes to do with what he would,
While he and Ted lived just like kings and got up to no good;
The one true church was not the thing that we had understood.

Refrain

Then Ted was gone and Herb arose in apostolic pride,
He ranted, shook his aged jowls and all too often lied;
Then one fine day he passed away with Tkach at his side.

Refrain

From Joe our Pastor General a bright new message came
At first we were afrightened and wondered "is he sane"?
But then we saw quite clearly it was the same old game.

Refrain

And now the church is shattered and friends are flung apart,
To every wind of doctrine they draw and then depart;
And now Joe wants to rename it to make a fresh new start.

Refrain

What have we learned from decades past about the Christian way?
It's not about mad prophecies or doing "pray and pay";
And waiting for a hierarchy that will not fade away.

Refrain

AND ANOTHER VERSION

God rest ye very dumb sheep, man, as always you must pay!
Remember, Herb your savior said, "Don't keep Christmas Day!
Instead of presents, save your cash and send it all my way!

O tithing brings me comfort and joy, comfort and joy!
O your tithes bring me comfort and joy!"

Anon

AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in Ohio, no brains in the head
The little Lord David, speaks till we're near dead
The stars in his eyes looking out 'or the crowd
Doth hear that their babies are crying too loud

How dare thee interrupt me, The Lord David said
Doth Satan infest thee, sweet babies not fed
I ne'er have this sermon e'er given before
So Deacons and Elders now guard all the doors

Amazing to me, who would know, sure not I
Am Watcher, Apostle and the special guy
There is none just like me, so far as we know
So stick in thy chairs, for proof texting we go

The members are groaning, it's quarter past four
We've been here forever, please open the door
Oh no, I'm not finished, said Lord Dave most High
And let not thy babies not fed start to cry.

For Satan doth know I am special as he
And hates me so much for the guy that I be
My work is just awesome, the hits not a few
So give me your money, I've God's work to do.

Oh please Dear Lord David, just open that door
So I can revive my sweet child on the floor
For long of hot air is thy sermon today
I feel my life force slowly ebbing away.

We beg thee Lord David, get right to the point
And do not our eyes with your salve more anoint
For two hour sermons do make our butts sore
Please David, Lord David, Please open the doors

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......meeeeeen.

Dennis Diehl

O TANNENBAUM

Athenaeum, Athenaeum,
You keep our ego's happy
We just can't stop the poshy stuff
Or we would feel most crappy

We're used to having stuff most grand
Screw all the members that we can
Athenaeum , Athenaeum
You keep our ego's haaaaaappy

Oh Christmas Stuff, We love our stuff
We do it to divert us
Theology, oh golly gee
Seems mostly to pervert us

We have no clue of what to be
We make it up now constantly
Oh Christmas stuff , oh Christmas stuff
Believe whatever ever suits yaaaaaaaa

Athenaeum, Athenaeum
We did it on the cheap side
Cause we can't give up ego stuff
Though what we should do is hide

We really will go down someday
In history, we know they'll say
Those guys indeed had not a clue
What Jesus really ever'd doooooooo

Dennis Diehl

Merry Mythmas and a Nappy New Year
(Antipodean Style)

We wish you a Merry Mythmas and a Nappy New Year,
Overflowing with wine and the best of draught beer.
For naughty wee antics in due time come on show,
A September arrival gives the parents a glow.

Santa brings presents with reindeer and sleigh,
From the distant North Pole, a whole world away.
A many a gift wrapped in paper so gay,
At the foot of the tree makes a gorgeous display.

Brumalia’s successor is no less a great feast,
Some have a great slosh and their girth is increased.
But not their brain cells when they constantly booze,
They never miss that which they never did use.

Office parties galore with free food and grog,
Official reward for a whole year’s hard slog,
A cheaper “ investment” than wages increase,
Employers get meaner and wonders don’t cease.

In Pacific’s great clime they go to the beach,
Cold salad and meat and a beer within reach.
They have a great time in the sweltering sun,
And get just a tad dazed which is dubious fun.

Great news for the person who would Mythmas eschew,
Save all those funds and stay out of the poo.
What to do with that money that you ever would save,
A word in your ear and just a minute we crave.

There is many a preacher who on funds is so low
That his protruding potbelly is beginning to show.
On a million a year his house he can’t feed,
Why not help him out in his hour of sore need.

From the gallery of rogues you have a wide choice,
Give to their cause and forever rejoice.
Would we ever be cynics to suggest this wise course??
Make up your own mind and back the right horse.

Seamus

From AW 31

Spare a Thought

Spare a thought for Uncle Rod who gets no Xmas cheer
And likewise Uncle Gerry receives no seasonal beer

Will Feast of Tabernacles stocks suffice to see them through
Or will empty cellars give them shocks and fill them full of rue?

For those who keep us "chastened" are worthy of reward
And they should get some funds to "Christmas" stocks afford

Come ye of empathetic vein and give a helping hand
Bestow a large donation that perhaps was never planned

Write a check for charity's sake and send it soon away
Our heroes can't be sober at all on Christmas Day

A little wine is good for stomach and also general health
Let's give our boys a hand and let them spend some wealth

Woe to those who will not tithe or with their money part
They are for perdition bent and of the hardest heart

Beware the "IDES OF FLURRY", a terrible time in store
Cough up now, all ye who stall, and give them ever more

Your dollars are not wasted by those so ever short
Great liquors oft are tasted, in fact as well as port

Whether of season, in or out, our champions must be fed
Champagne of finest note in which they dunk their bread

For they are worthy of the best and nothing is denied
An increment all double they would have us provide

And if our conscience is all mean, let's give a holiday toast
To Uncles Rod and Gerry, but then in hell we roast?

Seamus

From AW 45

Dashing through the Orgs....In a clergy power play....Slaying the sheep we go....Laughing all the way (to the bank)... Coins in our pockets ring....Giving us spiritual might....What fun it is to ride and sing a slaying song tonight... Jingle Tithes, Jingle Tithes, Jingle all the way....Oh what fun it is to fool the sheep we do slay.

Dashing through the church... Tithe money we reap... Over the fields we lurch... Fleecing all the sheep. Sheep's clothing we wear... Tithe doctrines we sell... Oh what fun it is to scare... The flock with going to hell. Jingle Bucks, Jingle Bucks, Jingle we do sway ... Preach by proof-texting, just like HWA.

(Steve)

Gerry the red-nosed pastor, had a very shiny nose... And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. All of the other despots, used to laugh and call him names... They wouldn't let poor Gerry, join in any power games. Then one foggy power play, from the mother church he ran away. Gerry with your nose so bright, won't you have another bud light? Then how the despots loathed him, as they shouted out with blame... Gerry the red-nosed pastor, he's too "stoned" to play their game.

(Steve)

Christmas greetings from us to Ted
Hope you wake up in the right bed
Be of good cheer
The end is near
If this card is returned we'll know you've fled.

(Norman)

Silent Flock, Holy Mock....All are fooled, Ministers rule.........Round yon Herbert, mother church and child.....Holy appearance, so righteous and beguiled....Sleep in comfort blind sheep....Sleep in comfort blind sheep.

(Steve)

Top Ten Ambassador College Alumni Christmas Party Traditions: (forwarded, author not identified)

10. String lights on Joe Tkach

9. Rod and Garner Ted stop by with a few of their 'female elves'

8. Official reception for all new splinter group leaders discovered during past year

7. Send Christmas cards with photos of the top brass and their families having a great time in Pasadena to all church members

6. Special hillbilly Santa with stringy beard and sack full of possum

5. Instead of Yule Log, they set fire to bundles of tithe money

4. Young Ambassadors sing 'Silent Night' while top brass chugs bowls of eggnog

3. Some lucky 'female elf' gets to spend the night with Garner Ted

2. Santa GTA begs staff secretaries to sit on his lap

1. Two words: Tkach Nog

(via Tom)

It came upon a midnight clear
A bolt out of the blue
The creditors called in their loans
And Joey's goose was stewed

(H)

Hark the Pastor General sings
Many glib and shallow things
The new financial model's trialled
All bank statements reconciled
Born to ascend to Herbert's throne
And morph it to a Baptist clone
Hark the Pastor General shouts
Follow me or get ye out!

(H)

JINGLE BELLS

Herbert sells, Herbert sells,
the sheep have gone away.
They used to line up at the door,
just to pay and payaaaaaa,

We used to yell,
to the Gates of Hell,
Now what are we gonna do?
Incomes down, all around,
And we haven't got a clue!!

Joe, and Ted, and Rod,
Just to name a few,
Just give them a chance,
They'll tell you what to do...

Doin' Jesus' "work",
That's what they say they do,
Just send in His check,
They'll deposit it for you!!

Ohhhhhhhh, Herbert sells, Herbert sells,
The sheep did pay and pay,
Now they're gone, but they'll be back,
We hope they will somedaaaaaaay.....

(Marksman)

All of the above from AW 32