The House Committee on Intelligence released a shocking report on Thursday largely about the origins of Christmas….
The committee, which is still in the process of conducting a full bipartisan review, said in its initial report that the intelligence community’s assessment was “sound intelligence” whose conclusions were “reached in a professional and transparent manner.”
The report said that original reason behind the season was the granting of political asylum to Jesus by the progressive Egyptian government which was reacting to intelligence reports that indicated a planned Massacre of the Innocents was about to occur. Refugee status was immediately granted to Jesus’s family.
The somewhat declassified report expresses that Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who effectively opposed the racist policies and political persecution by King Herod’s antisemitic regime, had gained knowledge from an unknown inside source, plans for a massacre of under-aged children. This propelled them to look for asylum in the free nation of Egypt, a comprehensive country known for greeting Jews wholeheartedly.
Lacking a decent border wall, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph who were unwilling to go through the process of legal immigration, paid a Coyotaje to smuggle them into Egypt. Once safely in the country, they sought out legal assistance from a liberal social warrior in order to gain political refuge status, food stamps, free housing, college grants, and free health-care for life.
The Egyptian citizens cheered and welcomed the blessed family, like all illegals, with an “Exiles Welcome” sign and showered them with even more liberal endowments from a GoFundMe campaign.
These events, as indicated by the Intelligence Committee report, concluded that the Christmas custom of spreading good will and cheer, along with green cards and welfare for anyone who crosses the national fringe illegally, was a old and cherished custom that will continue unabated.
Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer responded to the committees report by saying, “Who needs a unified culture where the people have much in common? What America needs is a divided culture so that people like me can offer solutions to problems we create.”