Coming Out Conversation – Episode 14

Larry is the grandson of Herbert W. Armstrong, the founder of the cult/church, the Worldwide Church of God. He is the eldest child of Herbert’s eldest daughter, Beverly. He attended church until his parents were disfellowshipped when he was 13.

Larry shares what it was like growing up as the grandson of the cult founder, including what his grandfather compelled his parents to do when he became ill at the age of 3 — force him to go without food for 12 days.

He discusses what lead to his parents being disfellowshipped from the church by his grandfather and how that impacted his family. He shares about his mom’s return to the employ of the church as Herbert’s social secretary though she did not return to the church or attend services; Larry’s enrollment in the church’s college, Ambassador, when he was 29 even though not a member of the church (something that was almost unheard of in the church); his world travels with his grandfather on the church’s private jet; and the evolution of his views about religion.

Finally, Larry discusses his view and the family’s views about the allegations that his grandfather, Herbert, committed incest with his youngest daughter, Dorothy (Larry’s aunt) and his general views about the personality and character of his grandfather and whether he was qualified — according to his own Biblical teachings — to be considered “God’s apostle on earth” or even a minister of Jesus Christ.

Coming Out Conversation – Episode 14.

 

Cults and Closets

 

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Cults and Closets

Coming Out of Chaos

 A book by Troy Fitzgerald

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Former WCG kid and son of a pastor, Troy Fitzgerald explains what it was like growing up in a fundamentalist religious cult.

This book is a very interesting read. Troy relates from the times of his early youth, what it was like growing up in a fundamentalist church. Feelings of social inadequacy, and shunned with no true friends. This young man searches out his own self identity, leading to an unexpected discovery as to his sexuality.

As the Worldwide Church of God (founded by Herbert W. Armstrong) goes through an identity crisis, Troy begins to think outside the box that was constructed for him in his childhood and begins to think of himself as a closet agnostic with huge doubt about his religious education.

After leaving the Worldwide Church of God, Troy and his wife Marie, with their growing doubts, did what most of us former members of that cult did. We joined mainstream churches only to discover that they too were but mind control cults.

The inevitable result of spending a lifetime searching out “The Truth” is a most memorable prayer that Troy shares in his book. Call it a showdown. A contract made at baptism that is nullified and voided due to the inaction of a supposedly loving God.

If you were ever a member of an Armstrong church, or in one of the spin-offs, or if you are a kid in one of these cults, this book is a must read!

Great Beaver Island

Troy Fitzgerald. From his blog


Part 1 – The Dog Beavers of Dam God

Introduction

These are the chronicles of events on Great Beaver Island as witnessed by Josephus Macintosh, former curator of The Great Dam Museum and Chief Navigator and Negotiator during The Great Expeditions of Great Beaver Island during the final decades of the third millennium.

1 – The Great Dam Genesis

In the decades before the earth ushered in the fourth millennium and The Great New World, hidden deep in the belly of The Great New Ocean stood a very special island and a wondrous wooded water world constructed by giant beavers. After The Great Light carried The Great Dam God into the clouds and he sent The Great Flood, most of the creatures were swallowed by the mountain waves.  Those few who survived The Great Flood reunited at the top of the tallest mountain, rich with rivers, lakes and jungle forests.

The Great Beaver, which Dam God mixed with the Great Ape before The Great Light, were created in the image of Dam God and they grew nearly as tall as Dam God. They were powerful swimmers and had the strength to move and climb great trees. They were considered the most intelligent creatures to survive The Great Flood.

Having been crossed with the Great Ape, some Great Beavers began climbing and swinging from trees, which lead to experimentation with tree lodge construction using large branches, leaves, moss, and hemp rope. While more and more beavers would swing from trees and lodge in trees — particularly younger beavers — most were still far more comfortable in traditional dams and lodges preferring to stick to the rivers and lake they were used to.

The Great Beavers took control and restored order on the island. They began organizing into communities and started rebuilding the island which had been wiped clean of life by The Great Flood. None of the beavers living there had lived there before the flood.  After they had constructed The Great Dams of Glory, they declared the next seven days The Great Dam Days of Genesis — or Dam Days for short — and celebrated day and night. On the seventh day, which they called The Great Last Dam Day, they had an enormous celebration of rebirth, then, they dedicated Great Beaver Island to the glory of Dam God and set fire to a portion of the debris fields as an offering of thanksgiving to Dam God.

2 – The Great Dam Apple of Dam God

When the great floating debris fields started to arrive after The Great Flood, the beavers started naming them and what became Macintosh Field was one of the first to arrive. It was the most important debris field in the history of the island for in that field they discovered The Great Dam Apple of Dam God and the mysterious Apple spoke the language of Dam God. The Great Elders placed The Great Dam Apple on The Great Dam Altar at the top of what became The Great Dam Falls at Mount Macintosh.

The Great Army of the Elders guarded The Great Dam Apple with their lives — some dying in battle to defend it — until The Great Spirit of Dam God left the Apple and it never came back to life.  It took the Great Elders years to decode the messages of The Great Dam Apple and the language of Dam God, before it died, but once they had, the language swept the island. Within a matter of years the beavers had all but forgotten the language of their ancestors. As their mastery of Dam God’s language grew and they made more discoveries in the fields, their understanding of the many ways of Dam God exploded, too.

3 – The Great Debris of Dam God

Great Beaver Island was positioned in such a way that floating debris from the flood — which was carried from all corners of the earth by the fierce currents and fiercer winds — passed by the island and could be captured by specially trained crews and equipment. Most of the debris was believed that of Dam God, and it was of tremendous value to the beavers.  It was believed The Great Flood had chewed the mansions of Dam God and spit out what it did not need and this was like treasure and gifts from Dam God.  Beavers would often sneak onto the debris fields as it became their only way to feel truly connected to The Great Dam God. The government sold The Great Debris of Dam God at grand auctions in lieu of charging higher taxes. Conspiracy theories and scandal surrounding the auctions often dominated the island’s news.

Most items of value were recovered when the debris fields first arrived, but crews could get behind for weeks or months. In an attempt to avoid losing opportunities to collect The Great Debris of Dam God, the fields would be tied together before processing and they could go for miles, tossed about by the churning waves. Despite the dangers, daring and clever beavers would sneak onto the fields and loiter for days or longer. On occasion, the debris fields would break loose in the rough waters before they could be processed and many beavers — believed to be loitering on the fields — went missing at those times.

The dead creatures found in the fields were recovered by the crews of The Great Guard of Honor, carried to the top of Mount Macintosh and ceremoniously thrown over The Great Cliff of the Unknown at sunset and they would observe a moment of silence before to pay respect. It was believed that many were bodies that had been possessed by Dam God before The Great Light, but they were thrown over the cliff with the others bodies for nobody could be sure.

Many items from the fields were preserved and placed in The Great Dam Museum and the curators developed a sophisticated system for storing and cataloging all items for expedient reference by scientists, scholars, students or any citizen of the island. Many beavers devoured the massive amounts of information day and night and then would pass on what they learned to their clans. The culture of the island revolved around experimentation with the customs and technology of Dam God. Self-expression, rather than conformity was encouraged. The beavers were gorging themselves on the exploration and exchange of information. Within a few generations beavers had adopted alternative lifestyles and worldviews that went against what was traditionally expected of beavers. The debris fields and the Dam Apple had opened up a large can of worms and it was called The Great Enlightenment of Dam God.

Specially trained crews would scour the horizon at The Great Sand Bars and with ropes and hooks fetch the fields of debris which were eventually floated into the giant cove on the north side of the island. Many beavers were lost in the early years after the flood — trapped, chewed and swallowed by the giant fields which could shift quickly in the rough waters that flowed from the north. The debris fields contained the most marvelous and magnificent objects ever seen. Crew members were said to become paralyzed after being hypnotized by the floating objects and would be crushed never knowing what hit them.  It was gruesome and dangerous work until they developed advanced retrieval systems. They called it The Great Debris of Dam God and every year at The Great Last Dam Day of The Great Dam Days of Genesis, they would burn a portion of the debris fields as an offering of sacrifice and thanksgiving to The Great Dam God.

The debris started piling up and the scientist believed hazardous toxins were being washed onto the beaches and beavers were dying from what was called The Great Dam God Fever. While those clans who were in the cults wanted to believe the fever was The Great Spirit of Dam God cleansing the soul, the scientists could prove that The Great Debris of Dam God was polluting the entire island and many beavers — whether they loved Dam God or not — were dying right and left. Something had to be done about The Great Debris of Dam God.

4 – The Great Dicks of Dam God

Over time, different beaver clans came to interpret the sacred text of Dam God, found in the debris fields, in very different ways, but the vast majority of beavers couldn’t care less about what another beaver might think about Dam God. While the explosion of language and discoveries in the debris fields kept the majority in a blissful state of self-discovery and experimentation, a troubling contingent of beavers began to adopt radical, extreme, fundamentalist, isolationist worldviews and started condemning their brother and sister beavers as worldly and unworthy of Dam God. The freedom-seeking, independent beavers of all ages would sneak onto the debris fields and spend days camping, reading, researching, experimenting, throwing dangerously harmless parties with music and dancing, and thinking for themselves — and the dog beavers of Dam God didn’t like it.

When dog beavers didn’t approve of what you believed or how you lived your life, they believed it was their primary, Dam God-given job to let you know. The vast majority of these dog beavers were members of the Dick clans. Some were Johnsons and Pricks, but most were Dicks. Some would even marry into the family and become Dicks themselves. Whether you were married to a Dick, Johnson or Prick, you were considered a Dick and dog beaver just the same. Most ended up leaving their Dick spouses and defecting from the clan and they share the most enraging, sad sack-of-crap stories a beaver could ever hear. Not every Dick was physically abusive, but just about every Dick was emotionally and verbally abusive, especially towards those they claimed to love. Dicks took everything for granted, but especially their own family. Some Dicks managed to escape the clan and changed their last name to avoid being mistaken for a Dick and they became dead to the Dicks.

If you thought science was witchcraft or believed you knew The Great Dam Truth of Dam God, you were likely a Dick or closely related to one.  If you thought it was your job to influence and manipulate what others believed about Dam God, there was no question you were a Dick. The Dick clans controlled much of what happened on Great Beaver Island and they fought to control more and more of every beaver’s daily life from what they believed, to what they ate, and even how they entertained themselves with other consenting beavers.

The self-righteous beavers’ most vocal adversaries called them “wild dog beavers” or just “dogs,” which was short for dogma. Dogma was born when Dam God rejected that The Great Mystery was, in fact, a mystery. The dog beavers were not just right in their own minds, they were righter than right could be and their sad dogma divided the island. They were convinced they were specially called by Dam God to know The Great Dam Truth and Will of Dam God. They would bark and snap at self-expressed unbelievers like wild dogs and couldn’t leave those who refused to accept their faith as fact alone.

They called an unbelieving beaver’s expression of disbelief in their worldview an act of persecution against them and screamed victim every time an unbeliever spoke. They were the great bullies of the island. They bred with bullies and bore more bullies than the island could bear. They would run in wild packs and corner the intellectually and emotionally less powerful. After luring them in with false acceptance, they would brutally molest their minds and emotions and take hostage of their souls. Many beavers lost their minds to the Dicks.

The Dicks argued that faith in their beliefs about Dam God was more powerful than fact, and was, in fact, fact.  That is to say they believed their Great Faith required no faith at all, for as to them, it was a proven fact. What appeared as cognitive dissonance to outside beavers — that is the holding of two opposing ideas as true — was to the Dicks the clear presence of the Great Spirit of Dam God.

They taught their children that so-called critical thought and questioning authority was as foolish as positive thinking and would make you go blind — even if you only tried it once. Most young Dicks kept their mouth shut, not because they believed they would go blind, but because they didn’t want to be accused of thinking a thought of their own, which was seen as a sure sign of rebellion to come.  Dicks would brutally paddle their young or shun them for years if they suspected they were thinking original thoughts. To the Dicks there was nothing more Dam-Godly than the control or manipulation of another beaver’s thoughts about Dam God, regardless of their age, but they particularly liked to focus on the teenage and elderly members of their families and communities.

The Giant Beaver’s inherent ingenuity and teamwork was declared “original sin” by the Dicks. They claimed all beavers were born with original sin due to The Great Fall of the First Beaver who ate The Great Rotten Apple from The Great Snake Lady rendering him nothing but cooperative. This natural but apparently evil impulse to find creative solutions and compromise with others was beaten and bred out of some of the most radical Dick clans, although the impulse never really went away. The Dicks were convinced these “cooperative tendencies” of some beavers — even some amongst them — was a threat to The Great Spread of The Great Faith, which they believed was The Great Will of Dam God.

5 – The Great Senate of Dicks

The Great Senate of Great Beaver Island was controlled by Dicks and they would fight among themselves, each claiming they stood for The Great Traditional Values, the same values believed embraced by Dam God. However, the Dicks could never agree on what traditional meant. They were unwilling to cooperate or compromise as making concessions, even to other Dicks, was waging war against Dam God. They even called other Dicks in the Senate who were more moderate, “demon-possessed do-gooders” because they would occasionally experiment with compromise behind closed doors. Though it went against their better nature, they thought concession was not a Dam God value and most Dam God scholars agreed.

The Dick senators could not efficiently manage the affairs of the island for they were too busy meeting the demands of those who financed their campaigns. Because the Senate had been controlled by Dicks for so long, beavers found themselves having to stand up for their rights, liberties and freedoms repeatedly. They would introduce laws that attempted to strip beavers of rights their great grandparents had died for at Mount Macintosh decades before, rights given to all beavers equally by Dam God.

The Great Supreme Court — which was controlled by Dicks much of the time as well — affirmed laws the Dick senators had passed allowing senators to accept unlimited amounts of dam gold from anonymous donors whether they were private individuals or not, claiming that donating dam gold was the same as free speech and a private matter. Most beavers came to believe they had no voice in the government anymore. Every time the island elected a senator who was not a Dick, the Dicks voted to redraw the district lines to get them voted out. The Dick senators used their positions of power to position themselves for future personal gain and most beavers began checking out of the political process, especially the younger beavers who prefered to spend their time on the debris fields. They would often throw parties on the fields and joke and share fantasies about how to get all of the Dicks to leave the island. However — all joking aside — every free, thinking beaver — including the younger beavers — knew they had to play a part in seriously solving what some called The Great Dick Debacle.

6 – The Great Dam Cults of Dam God

Most beavers were aware that churches had not existed since before The Great Light when Dam God was divided and battled against himself over The Great Mystery, when dogma was born. The churches existed to keep dogma alive but the churches were destroyed by Dam God’s great flood. The cults started to emerge once Dam God’s language came to the island and spread through the schools, but long before history could be known by the common beaver.

In the cults, beavers were conditioned from birth to feel guilty for being beavers, for even though Dam God created beavers and loved beavers, it was beavers who made The Great Dam God angry enough to drown all the creatures of the world  – young and old — in The Great Flood to demonstrate to future beavers how displeased he was with their natural ways. Most Dicks seemed overflowing with confidence, but in reality, it was just a mask as they were the most fearful, paranoid and insecure beavers on the island. Dicks wallowed in fear and self-doubt. They were brainwashed to believe Dam God only loved those beavers who learned to loathe themselves.

The cults never grew too large before they would fracture and split. The most sociopathic dog beavers would lead and train other sociopaths to lead any poor soul who would follow. However, the cult leaders were each addicted to grand illusions of their own calling, authority, and special discernment and would lead followers away to start their own cults deep in the bowels of the island. As a result, the cults were scattered.  Cult leaders were some of the nastiest Dicks on the island as they would scavenge for the meek and humble, which they called The Great Contrite Spirits and feed off their loneliness, guilt, shame and insecurities like ravenous, mad vultures. For those with eyes to see, it was a most vulgar site, indeed.

7 – The Great Dam Churches of Dam God

In studying the ancient texts from the debris fields, the dog beaver scholars came to believe the cults in the day of Dam God had much more appeal to the masses when they called themselves “churches,” congregated in large structures, were open to the public, played popular music and even danced. Until then, the cults had only met in cramped dens, were closed to the public, played unpopular music and would not dance. The sermons in the cults, they learned, were black and white and directly condemning of outsiders, whereas sermons in the churches were gray and only condemning of outsiders in vague and indirect ways. The dog beaver Dicks realized they had it backwards.

The Dicks started preaching that Dam God was a jealous god and expected all beavers to worship him, not as they had been doing in the secret dens of the cults, but just as Dam God had worshiped in the churches before The Great Light. They claimed Dam God provided dams for his glory and wanted his followers to congregate in large and spectacular dams of special design, constructed of special materials recovered from The Great Debris of Dam God. They claimed Dam God wanted his beavers to build these dam churches as monuments to Dam God and inside of these grand structures, beavers were to pray to Dam God, sing to Dam God, read the ancient text of Dam God — meddle in the affairs of other beavers in the name of Dam God — and before they leave to go home, Dam God wants a tenth of their dam gold for expanding the church, because nothing was more important to Dam God than getting as big as possible.

As it turned out, beavers were naturally drawn to large dams and lodges where there was good music, singing and dancing. They liked to be entertained and feel a sense of belonging and community. The Dick dog beavers used this knowledge and made a fortune in the name of Dam God building dam churches across the island preaching feel-good messages about Dam God’s love and mercy for beavers, the conditions for receiving Dam God’s love and mercy, and how to reserve a lodge at the coming Great Dam Utopia. The number of dam churches started to grow, but not fast enough for the Dicks. The Dicks wanted more. The Dicks always wanted more.

The Dicks pulled their kids out of private school and pooled their retirement funds to build The Great Dam Church of Dam God and it was the most spectacular dam church ever built. When most churches were happy to have dozens in attendance, The Great Dam Church of Dam God had over a thousand. They called it The Great Mega Church — or just The Mega — for they learned that’s what they called the biggest churches in the days of Dam God. Visitors to the island always had to stop to see the grand dam church even if they didn’t believe in Dam God. Most were impressed by its size and glory, but struggled with the irony of the masses of homeless beavers huddled at the abandoned food shelter next door. Offering plates were passed weekly and the dam gold was collected by The Great Priests of Dam God and traded to fund the construction of more dam churches and before long there was a grand dam church at every major crossroad on Great Beaver Island.

8 – The Great Dam Mansions of Dam God

Most of the priests in the churches were Dicks, but not all of them. The priests who were Dicks were known to also use the dam gold collected during church to construct what they called The Great Mansions of Dam God which they said they had to occupy as their residence for they were The Great and Humble Stewards of The Great Dam Mansions of Dam God and all that belonged to Dam God. The mansions were large enough to comfortably house a legion or four — or an equal number of homeless or poor  –  but the Dick priests said they preferred to keep the extra space available for when they had visitors, but every beaver knew that Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks only invited those on the island with wealth and influence and could never get anyone to accept.

The Great High Priest of The Great Dam Church of Dam God lived in the most extravagant mansion of all. In fact, it was many mansions on one enormous estate; and it was so grand it was it’s own sovereign state; and they could do anything they wanted inside those gates. Named after one of Dam God’s favorite grand estates from before The Great Light, they called it The Great Dam Vatican. While most beavers passing by The Great Dam Vatican couldn’t understand why the church spent so much money on their self-proclaimed Chief Friend of the Poor’s grand lodge, they could not help but gawk and awe. It was the most ironically gross and gaudy display of ego and waste one could see.  Free, thinking beavers called it The Great Overcompensation.

The Dick priests preached that Dam God rejoiced in the presence of dam gold, objects adorned in dam gold, and objects paid for with dam gold. It would seem the Dicks believed Dam God had a special place in Dam Utopia for those who gathered the most dam gold for themselves. They would teach — by example mostly — that while Dam God loved those who loved him, he loved to surround himself with quality more and so shall all beavers who loved Dam God. The Dick senators and Dick businessmen and, yes, even the Dick religious leaders and priests — who tended to be the most prominent Dicks in the community — did an excellent job of living Dam God’s quality way of life and had collected wonderful fortunes compared to other beavers, just as Dam God had done before The Great Light.

While the cults and the churches started by the Dicks claimed to do good in the name of Dam God, their fruits spoke for themselves. While Dicks spoke of traditional values, family, love and The Great Golden Rule, they and their cults and churches did more to divide clan against clan, father against mother, brother against sister, friend against friend, and beaver against beaver than anything known in beaver history. In fact, Dicks had the highest divorce rate on the island, as it was well known one could only live with a Dick for so long. Regardless, the Dicks would continue to preach and preach some more and many beavers sadly continued to attend their churches and hand over their dam gold.

9 – The Great Dam Utopia

The Dicks lived as though Dam God provided the earth and the dams to service only the needs and pleasures of Dam God and his Great Dam Family of beavers. The earth and dams only existed to service them and service them some more. Great Beaver Island was faced with overpopulation and what to do with The Great Debris of Dam God and the clans were divided against the Dicks over what to do. The Dicks believed scientists were demons and dismissed their environmental warnings. Even if the scientists were right, they reasoned that Dam God was bringing The Great Dam Utopia to Great Beaver Island soon, so it could survive until then. Dicks made such statements with the confidence of an eye witness.

The beavers who believed Dam God expected them to take care of Great Beaver Island until his return and those who didn’t believe in Dam God at all — or just thought there wasn’t enough evidence to know one way or another — were constantly battling the Dicks who seemed hell-bent on the slow destruction of Great Beaver Island. They could not get the Dicks to agree there were issues the entire island needed to work together to solve.

To rationalize their treatment of the island — and other beavers — the Dicks began declaring that the scientists were making up stories about the dangers of the debris fields to the environment. The Dicks claimed Dam God would have cleansed the fields with his blessing before delivering it to Great Beaver Island. The only other location the fields could be stored was the private, gated cove which was owned by the Dicks and used as a retreat for the wealthiest of Dicks and their dignitary visitors, of which there were none. The Dicks were unwilling to trade coves and relocate their retreat unless they could take ownership of the entire debris processing operation — which would include capturing all the profits from the auctions. They claimed it would be necessary to cover the expense of relocation, which the citizens had already pledged to cover at cost. The average beaver didn’t trust the Dicks enough to give them control of the debris fields as this was their only connection to Dam God.  The Dicks would not compromise.

The Dicks were so focused on Dam God’s Great Return and the coming Dam Utopia that taking care of the island they lived on seemed a waste of their attention and resources and they said so openly and unapologetically.  The Dick Senators refused to approve the use of public funds for island maintenance and environmental inspections because they said Dam God was coming with the Dam Utopia at any time. So, free, thinking beavers — even those who believed in Dam God’s coming return — knew they had to organize outside of The Great Senate to solve the problems of the island, including how to get The Great Debris of Dam God relocated. And soon, that’s exactly what they managed to do.

10 – The Great Big Dick of Dam God

There were many great Dicks on Great Beaver Island, but there was no Dick more unbelievable than the self-proclaimed “Big Dick of Dam God,” Benjamin Allen Dick.  He was the largest beaver on the island and he wanted the world to know he was proud of it — though he was known to privately blame his size on a nasty chewing addiction. While he liked to refer to himself as the “Big Dick of Dam God,” he prefered to be called “Ben-A-Dick” for short, and would become angry when people just called him Ben and even angrier when they called him Benny. He was the wealthiest real estate and interior design mogul on the island, Speaker of The Great Senate, and The Great High Priest — and beaver head  – of The Great Dam Church of Dam God.” He loved his self-assigned nickname, Ben-A-Dick, almost more than life itself and made sure it was prominently displayed on everything he owned. The slogan for his real estate and interior design business — as well as the dam church he ran — was “The Dick You Want Inside.”

He claimed to run his businesses and his church the way Dam God ran his, reminding others that the world revolves around Dam God and so shall the earth revolve around Dam God’s biggest Dick. It’s one thing to think and operate like a Dick, it’s quite another to think and operate like The Big Dick of Dam God.  Whether it was his colleagues, employees, parishioners and even his customers, nobody really liked The Great Ben-A-Dick, they just thought Dam God expected everyone to look to him as he was the most prominent Dick on the island.  Beavers had a tendency to mistake gross narcissism for relevance and the biggest Dicks leveraged this every chance they got.  Less prominent Dicks were often caught stroking the egos of the bigger Dicks.

11 – The Great Dick Declaration

One fateful day, after you would have thought most on the island couldn’t take another Dick in their face about the Great Will of Dam God, it seemed all of Great Beaver Island had fallen into the complete control of the Dicks’ magic spell.  The Counsel for Beaver Freedom, which was comprised of elder beavers from clans not associated with the Dicks, Johnsons or Pricks held a most unprecedented meeting, called The Great Summit. The Dicks had always condemned the Counsel as nothing but a mouthpiece of The Great Liberal Legion, a secret society that was rumored to finance anti-Dick propaganda. However, the Dicks’ historical animosity towards the Counsel would change after The Great Summit, for from a Dick’s point of view, the whole world had finally gotten a clue.

The meeting of elders — The Great Summit — lasted seven days and they emerged with a most shocking and surprising declaration. After years of resistance by free, thinking beavers everywhere, in a formal, grand announcement watched by every occupant on Great Beaver Island, the Council declared the Dicks  “The Great Clan of Dam God.”  The great declaration stated that because of the irrefutable proof — as defined, supplied and verified by the Dicks themselves — that they were the chosen beaver clan of Dam God and stewards of The Great Dam Truth, and as such they were to be honored and treated as the special Dicks they were.

A grand and glorious, super-sized palace fit for a dozen kings would be constructed for the growing number of Dicks — perhaps a thousand or more — on Great Beaver Island, including all those they loved and all those who loved them, which alone was maybe another ten or more. It would be called “Dick Palace” because it would be a palace mostly filled with Dicks. It would be built on the grandest, most desired beach in all of Great Beaver Island — donated by the Counsel of Beaver Freedom, itself, — and that beach would be dedicated and renamed “Shore of the Sure.”  All those fortunate enough to be called into the Dick clan by Dam God — including the Johnsons and the Pricks — who believed they knew The Great Dam Truth of Dam God — as taught only by the Dicks — would be able to move into the grand palace by the shore.

Dick Palace would be constructed of the finest materials and of the most advanced construction technology and would be a monument to The Great Dam God and, of course, those Dicks who knew the one and only Great Dam God Truth.  “After all the Dicks move into Dick Palace, the rest of Great Beaver Island” — the decree continued — “will gather every year at the gates of Dick Palace to pay homage to Dam God, but most importantly, the Dicks who follow Dam God The Great Right Way.” After the decree was read for all to hear, the Dicks held up their hands in triumph and all the beavers cheered and cheered some more.  The Dicks were so pleased the island had come to recognize their special place at The Great Right Hand of Dam God.

The next day The Great Senate voted to declare the day Dick Palace was scheduled to be completed as national Dick Day and every year going forward a “Parade of Dicks” would be held to celebrate and honor all the Dicks on Great Beaver Island. Finally, all that was good and right in the eyes of the Dicks — and, therefore, in the eyes of The Great Dam God — was coming to Great Beaver Island.

12 – The Great Dick Palace

The grand beach was cleared and closed to the public for what was expected to be months while the Engineers of Freedom — a special construction firm hired by the the Counsel for Beaver Freedom — constructed what would become the grandest palace ever constructed in the history of beavers. In fact, legions of beavers — none of whom were Dicks, Johnsons or Pricks, of course — volunteered to help construct Dick Palace in record time. All the Dicks and the lovers of Dicks could hardly wait for the complete construction of their grand Dick Palace on The Shore of the Sure.

As construction continued, the Chief Engineer, Evan Omnijack — an eccentric but alarmingly creative beaver — and his large team of volunteers and tall cranes, erected an enormous screen as wide and as the tall as a Dam God coliseum, and on the side facing the onlooking crowds of Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks, it read: “Coming Soon… Dick Palace and the Shore of the Sure…brought to you by Engineers of Freedom and the volunteers of Great Beaver Island.”  Below that, toward the bottom it also read: “Remember…Dam God Hates Peekers and Drowns Them for Fun.”  Peeking behind the screen was not allowed. The Chief Engineer told the few nosey Dicks who raised concerns over the secrecy, that he and his team had been inspired by Dam God to add special features to Dick Palace that would truly separate it and place the Dicks where they belong, in a special world of their own, undisturbed by the common beavers of Great Beaver Island. Exposing these special features before they were completed — he would wink and mutter under his breath — was like entering the Holy of Holies before Dam God was finished with his business.

Quite satisfied with the explanation, the Dicks winked back and asked no more questions; stopped their little Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks from peeking behind the screen; and relished the anticipation of Dick Day like fine wood. The sounds of hasty construction could be heard day and night as the volunteers insisted on working long hours and double shifts to complete the grand palace.

Originally expecting construction to take many months, thanks to the overwhelming support of the thousands of volunteer beavers, construction would only take weeks.  The Dicks were amazed by how fast the rest of the island pitched in and constructed their new palace by the shore. It was obvious to them that the common beavers had finally come to their senses and simply couldn’t make Dick Day come fast enough.  In fact, The Great Senate voted to change when Dick Day would be celebrated, given the Engineers of Freedom were way ahead of schedule.  Now, not only would the Dicks get their own grand palace as deserved, but Dick Day and the Parade of Dicks would come early.  Everything on Great Beaver Island was moving in the right direction.

13 – The Great Parade of Dicks

The big day finally arrived and the entire island’s occupants had gathered for Dick Day, The Great Parade of Dicks and the unveiling and dedication of Dick Palace, because, then, all the Dicks could move into their special place away from the common beavers on the island. Many Dicks, particularly those in the Senate, would chuckle and joke amongst themselves — even when common beavers were present — asking why Dam God hadn’t thought of this sooner. The common beavers would join the laughter for they were wondering the very same thing.

The Parade of Dicks was spectacular as it featured some of the biggest, most notorious Dicks on Great Beaver Island. They each had their own special float and it was quite a sight to see as each Dick tried to outdo the other Dicks in the parade. The bands played and the crowds cheered and cheered some more. The Dicks declared as “The Biggest Dick of Them All” — the Dick equivalent of Grand Marshal — none other than The Big Dick of Dam God,  Benjamin Allen Dick, and he lived up to his grand title as he led the parade.

While the band played and the crowd cheered and cheered some more, the biggest Dicks followed The Biggest Dick of Them All, the great Ben-A-Dick, and they all waved at the crowds like the royal Dicks they were. Following the greatest of Dicks came the rest of the Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks — and their little Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks, too — and all the lovers of Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks who danced down the street with their suitcases, bags and boxes packed. In the days prior, they sold their lodges to the common beavers for a fraction of what they paid, certain the value of their property would drop to nothing once they moved away.

The front of the parade approached the gates of The Great Dick Palace and The Biggest Dick of Them All, rung the big bell at the gate. There was a long pause and then the rip of chords untying above as the giant screen blocking the construction site came tumbling down. The crowd roared and cheered and cheered some more. Grand music began playing as the crowd gawked and awed, amazed at the giant wooden palace, carved and constructed by all the volunteers of Great Beaver Island. It was nearly as big as a Dam God colosseum and it had every luxury of the grandest palaces of Dam God’s day and finest dam resorts, too.

All of the Dicks — and the Johnsons and Pricks, too — began filing into Dick Palace. Once the final little Prick made his way inside the gate, the big bell was rung again and all the beavers cheered and cheered some more.  The Chief Engineer,  Evan Omnijack, walked up the steps and approached the gates of the palace and made a short speech, “To our beaver brothers and sisters, the Dicks — and the Johnsons and Pricks, too — thank Dam God for the likes of you. Hear, hear!.”  The crowd cheered “Hear, hear!” and cheered and cheered some more.

He continued, “Oh, Great Dicks of Dam God, in honor of you — The Great and Humble Ambassadors of Dam God —  we have prepared a grand and fabulous banquet inside of your grand and fabulous palace for your grand and fabulous selves. As you enjoy your feast and explore your new home, remember, your common beaver brothers and sisters on the outside will be celebrating and giving thanks for Dick Palace just as well. Here, here!”   The crowd cheered “Hear, hear!” and cheered and cheered some more.

14 – The Great Exodus of Dicks

After the brief speech, the Dicks hastily waved goodbye and closed the gate and massive doors to their new palace. The Dicks were too busy enjoying their feast, touring the palace and arguing about who would occupy which portions of the palace to notice what was happening outside. As the crowd continued to watch silently from The Shore of the Sure, Evan Omnijack gave the nod, and the great Dick Palace slowly and gently slid into the ocean and began swiftly floating away. Evan Omnijack had not just designed a grand palace, he had designed a grand boat. Long before the Dicks ever realized what was happening, the fierce currents quickly swept Dick Palace into the distance. Every beaver on The Shore of the Sure held their breath, staring as the enormous boat floated away, and the moment it disappeared into the horizon and there wasn’t another Dick in sight, the crowd cheered and cheered some more, for each beaver was sure the Dicks they could take no more.

As the beavers continued to celebrate Dick Day on The Shore of the Sure and party into the night, the elders from the Counsel of Beaver Freedom gathered around Evan Omnijack and asked for reassurance they hadn’t sentenced the Dicks and their lovers to their deaths. He explained that the Dicks had two years worth of food stored on the boat, giving the Dicks plenty of time before they will have to find new land and make a new home.  He also provided them with enormous paddles for rowing and steering as well as maps and a compass which he scattered in different locations throughout the boat to buy time. He explained that he estimated several months would pass before the Dicks would figure out how to stop fighting like children and cooperate enough to put the maps together, assemble and operate the compass, and figure out where they were.

As it turned out, it took over a year of floating in circles as the Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks battled for territory, position and power inside the massive boat before the little Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks could put their heads together, take control from the big Dicks, Johnsons and Pricks, put the maps and compass together and find land.  Some reports claim the Dicks had all but destroyed the inside of the boat in a bloody civil war before the maps were finally pieced together and they found land.

As the years past, unbelievable stories of what was happening on Dick Palace would make their way back to the island. One of the most popular events each year was The Great Dick Tales on Dick Day when the great storytellers would act out the grand reports from Dick Palace before the huge crowds. Most of the stories were true and some were fabulous fictions, but they all made the crowds laugh until they cried. After The Great — and glorious — Exodus of Dicks, Great Beaver Island would enjoy an explosion of peace and prosperity and they would celebrate Dick Day for years to come.

To be continued…

Great Beaver Island ™  Copyright © 2013 by Troy Fitzgerald