The WORLDWEIRD CULT OF GREED

1. In the beginning, in a land far away and a time now past, there existed an organization known as Worldwide Church of God or the WORLDWEIRD CULT OF GREED.

2. It's leader and chief pooh-bah was an ignoramus whose full name was Catnip Lungwort. But since that didn't sound spiritual enough and "lungwort and catnip" were - each in fact - an herb, the leader became known as just "Herb."

3. Some followers considered Herb a prophet while others considered him an apostle. So the followers combined the two names and simply called him Prophostle Herb. Many lived together in a series of sacred castles called: The Campuss.

4. And it came to pass in those days, that arrogant men - loyal to their paychecks - rose up to stand beside the Prophostle. And it was these "Arrogants" who spread the glory of the Prophostle's totalitarian rule far and wide, and Herb saw what was happening, and said: "It is good."

5. And so it was, that this group of Arrogants saw fit to scam money from people, dominate their lives, lie to them, and then meld their own arrogant personal identities into the world of Christian business for their own self aggrandizement and future profit. And to stroke their egos, the Prophostle gave them each competitive "ranks." In this way, and with the authority and lifestyle of a dictator, each Arrogant thusly came to align himself with the low life entities of the Dark Side, and didst indeed rule most cruelly over the flock.

6. As time went on, whatever was said by the Prophostle was deemed as coming directly from God Himself. It was even taught that Herb had daily and private conversations with God, as Moses once did.

7. And the people suffered under the tyrannical oppression of the darkened Arrogants and they felt their lives slipping away in their blind support of a God that demanded more and more money to give to His perpetually malcontented Prophostle. And the subservients paid a total of three tithes.

8. In those days, people attended meetings, left their intelligence at the front door, then entered the meeting hall to be indoctrinated with theological stupidity, totalitarian thinking, and brainwashed into the need for unswerving "Loyalty."

9. One day, one of the arrogants came to Herb. "It seemeth good," he said, "if we can make more money from the second tithe. Why give it all to those dumb plebs for their feasting? Let us subdivide the second tithe into divisions within the tithe. No one will dare challenge this new law. We're God's anointed. Let us call one division, 'Tithe of a tithe,' and calleth the other, 'Excess second tithe'."

10. The Prophostle wiped the remnant of a barbecued short rib from his mouth, took a long draught of Dom Perignon, and slammed down the bottle. "How much will we maketh?" he asked the Arrogant.

11. "Much," said the darkened one, "and it will be in the hundreds of thousands, maybe millions. We'll just tell the plebs that the Tithe of the tithe is going for building rental at the feasts, but in fact, this money garnered will be way in excess of that and more than is ever needed. So, the extra can go for 'added expenses'."

12. The Prophostle nodded. "And with the excess 2nd tithe?" he asked with a belch.

13. "Ah yes," said the Arrogant, "if we put both together, it can be many millions."

15. "For your expenses, my Lord," said the dark one, "and - of course - with a bonus for us. We don't need to bother the plebs with any details."

16. And it came to pass that the Prophostle considered the idea, nodded his head, and Herb said: "It is good."

17. One day, shortly thereafter, a visitor came to the Campuss. He was dressed in black and rode a dark horse called Chevy. He called himself Knight Raider, met with Herb, and promised to help the work of profit move forward. "I have ways of doing things," he promised the Prophostle, and as always, he wore dark shades.

18. Meanwhile, in a large sandy area in the far off Holy land of Taxes, there was raised up another off-shoot Campuss of profit. Within this group of sanctified castles, there existed an "Office of Festivities." This office - as per instructions - from the original Campuss, took the Second tithe money and apportioned it as instructed.

19. But, one day, one of the darkened leaders of this office had an idea of his own. He shared this thinking with others of his darkened ilk.

20. "It is simple," he said to the others. "Since our festivities are in the Fall, then all living accommodations in all those festivity areas are at a low occupancy rate during that time. I have an idea. We'll make a bulk deal with all those locations and guarantee to fill their places of living with people for a full eight days, and then we'll demand a substantial reduction on their usual occupancy rates. All these places will certainly agree to our terms, as they'll do anything to get those normally empty rooms filled at that time of year . . . even if they must accept lower rates."

21. The others all nodded their heads. "So," they said, "we can then give all the dummies in the flock a cheaper rate at our festive sites?"

22. "Not so," said the darkened one. "The flock must pay the full price to those places of living. And if these living places wish to have our business, then they'll rebate the difference between our agreed discount price and the member's full payment. And that rebate will directly come to us. Let's not bother the original Campuss with any of the silly details."

23. "How much will this pay us?" said the few. "Millions," answered the darkened one. "Remember," he added, "this has nothing to do with God. This is business."

24. And it came to pass that they all looked on this idea and approved its implementation, and they all said: "It is good."

25. And, after many, many days, the Knight Raider got wind of the Taxes fleecing. He broke into a fury and heads rolled in Taxes, but not before many exiting darkened ones were made most comfortable from the past overcharging and fleecing of the flock.

26. Meanwhile, back on the main Campuss, the Prophostle was aging quickly. His heavy work load - despite the abundance of 100 proof elixirs, carnal distractions, penile operations, testimonial dinners, Steuben Crystal donations, and self induced inhalants - was finally taking its toll. The Prophostle "retired" to the Arid Zone with gold place dinner settings, an abundance of rare artwork, and companionship.

27. It was at that time, the Knight Raider developed an idea to ensure loyalty to himself from the darkened Arrogances that continued to slobber their egos all around him. "Why not," he thought, "have them enter into an illegal contract in writing, but one that will make each man very rich - and this profitable venture will have absolutely no risks attached? So, if any of them ever dare to be disloyal to me, then I will expose them for the illegality of the contract they've signed."

28. "Since we have insider information," the Knight Raider mused, "that will be of advantage to me. We know that the value of a precious metal will rise dramatically within a few months. We can use that information."

29. In those days, it was known that many of the Arrogants and the Prophostle himself, all held off-shore money accounts and owned off-shore corporations. And it was deemed that this was a necessary way to hide dishonest, overseas investments with money "borrowed" from flock's good will offerings.

30. And there arose from the sea of darkness and deceit a gruesome Beast, bearing in its strong arm, a stolen money account named 3-T. And this Beast had a multitude of horns soaked in the blood of many flock members, each horn having the value of $100,000 apiece. And to each of the Arrogants was given a wet horn from the stolen account to invest, but this action was to be done by proxy and only by the Knight Raider himself.

31. In the course of many days, the value of the precious metal didst indeed rise to twenty times, yea . . . and more, so that the profit from the investments of horns was considerable millions. While each of the arrogants made their riches of a million or so, after expenses paid, the Knight Raider made his multimillions in commissions. So, the account of 3-T was then replenished, but while the profits for each Arrogant were hidden in little off-shore banks far, far away, the home country's treasury saw none of that money.

32. And each of the Arrogants kept his silence lest the light of exposure might fall on them and they be revealed in all their darkness. They could now buy and own anything they wished (with no legal questions) from the ill-gained profits and hide it all under the name of their own off-shore corporations. Those men loved the darkness more than they loved the light, and to protect themselves, they angrily denied all happenings of the event when some people finally learned of the scam.

33. And it came to pass in those days that the Knight Raider and the Arrogants all looked on the profits they had made, and they all agreed: "It is good."

34. In the course of time, the Campuss had a visitor. He was a clever man and much smarter than the combined intellects of the Knight Raider and the Arrogants. His name was Mike Wallaby, and he had a TV show called, "60 Seconds."

35. Over the next few weeks, the Knight Raider - appealed to by his ego - was duped into giving an interview to Mike. And it was seen all over the world, that Mike Wallaby didst makest a fool of the Knight Raider and Mike exposed many scams. Having thus been made a complete fool of, the Knight Raider took his ill-gotten multi-millions, mounted his steed called Ferrari, and galloped into the sunset.

36. The aging Prophostle, now weakened in body by a lifetime of debauchery, didst stay in his luxury home in the Arid Zone. Like King David, the Prophostle found it necessary to have the companionship of a young maiden in bed . . . but only to keep the aging and degenerate Prophostle warm, of course. But now, the hounds of Arrogance on the Campuss couldst sense Herb's future departure and scurried for their own positions of power.

37. Herb, the Prophostle, prophesized that he himself would welcome in the new millennium of peace. With his last prophecy predictably unfulfilled, as with ALL those he had prophesied before, Herb died and was laid in the ground to rest with the other worms.

38. Thus ended the life of one of the wickedest kings to ever rule in the kingdom of the cults.

39. And in those days, the old kingdom that once belonged to Herb was becoming divided and the Arrogants spread out and took their darkness with them. Egos were dominant and each considered himself as the next Prophostle to inherit his money, power, women, jets, cars, homes, expenses, and adoration.

40. But it came to pass that none of these Arrogants were dark enough in spirit to qualify. None came up to the caliber of Herb in evil, and so, each split from the Campus and tried to start his own cult. But none were smart or evil enough to succeed with any permanent degree of competent iniquity.

41. In the meantime, the flock members cried for relief from all the burdens of cultism put upon them from the days of old, as none had yet become aware of the demonic nature of those cults. But the new cults and their new Arrogant masters heard them not.

42. And it came to pass that in those days, there came such a cry from the flock, and one day, the weeping and gnashing of teeth rose all the way to God's ears, and . . . .

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