By Bill Fairchild
One of the several MINOR LITTLE IRRITATIONS that beset me in trying to read all of Herbert's VOLUMINOUS LITERARY OUTPUT was his habit of continuing to write EVERYTHING as if he were still writing ADVERTISING COPY back in the 1920s! Assuming he had ever really been an ADVERTISING GENIUS as he wanted us to believe, then I guess that's where he learned to WRITE WITH ALL CAPITALS AND PUT EXCLAMATION MARKS AT THE END OF ALMOST EVERY STINKING SENTENCE!!!!!!!! After you read eight or ten sentences like this, the writing style starts to become SERIOUSLY BORING AND OVER-EXCLAMATORY! And a loving God surely would not want us to bore those precious souls whom CHRIST DIED TO SAVE! I had been taught in high school English that the purpose of an exclamation mark was to CALL ATTENTION to something! But if you put one of these marks of punctuation at the end of EVERY STINKING SENTENCE, then you are forcing your reader to believe that EVERY STINKING SENTENCE IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!!! This is importance over-kill, IN MY OPINION! If everything is SUPREMELY IMPORTANT, then that must be further proof that what you are reading has been written by GOD'S ONLY TRUE PROPHET FOR OUR HORRIFIC END TIMES!!!!! Unfortunately, writing like this is an APPEAL TO PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS rather than to their EVIL SATANIC INTELLECT!!! So maybe that's why we were KEPT IN A NUMBING TRANCE by all of Herbert's shit that we had to read in order to remain A FAITHFUL DUMB SHEEP! And maybe that's why NOT MANY WISE MEN now were being called, and certainly not very many EVIL INTELLECTUALS with highly trained logical and reasoning skills would ever read more than one or two sentences of HERBERT'S INANE, SHITTY, AND EMOTIONAL RAMBLINGS spewed out on paper!
Thank God for the exclamation mark, brethren! For how else would we be able to recognize Herbert W. Armstrong for the sick FALSE PROPHET moron that he was unless we were able to count up the exclamation marks and compare that with the total number of sentences and see what a TRULY INSPIRED WRITER could do! HELLO????!!!! Whatever happened to the concept of "proofreader"?!! Didn't anybody ever tell him HOW STUPID EVERYTHING HE EVER WROTE LOOKED?!!!!! Apparently anyone who dared think such EVIL PAGAN THOUGHTS was afraid to mention it to Herbie, lest Herbie SHAKE HIS JOWLS AND YELL at him for being IN A WRONG ATTITUDE!
I wonder why the Bible is not written in such an OBVIOUSLY CORRECT MANNER! If the material in the Bible is so AWESOMELY AND SUPREMELY IMPORTANT, surely it should have been written with LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS and at least one exclamation mark at the end of every single SUPREMELY IMPORTANT SENTENCE!!
How disgusting! How stupid! How uninspiring! How unliterary! How insipid! Yeccchhhh! And to think I used to read all that shit and think it was SUPREMELY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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