USA -- Christian Nation!

Late, breaking news!! Just discovered!! The USA is a Christian nation after all!!!

On 15 NOV 2003 I sent the Painful Truth an article titled “Christian Founding Fathers?” in which I attempted to show that the white, wealthy, English men who founded the USA in 1776 were not almost all Christian as is commonly thought, but rather were almost all Deists. Boy, was I wrong.

Then on 06 JUL 2003 an email showed up from Ken (KDemy7@aol.com), in which he appeared to be trying to help me figure out if the Founding Fathers were really Christian or not.

Since then I have done a lot more reading and meditation on the subject, and I realize now that I was way off base in my first article. Based on further research, I now believe that the Founding Fathers were indeed all fine Christian men and the nation rapidly grew into the perfect example of a Christian nation as an example for the whole world to emulate.

In late 1966 when I was in college (not “God’s college”, but rather one of Satan’s colleges, as an asshole from Ambassador College once told me to my face) I took a course in comparative religions. We studied all the great religions of the world, one of which is Hinduism. The textbook we used for that class said that in India there are about one billion people, most of them are Hindus, there are about 500 million different gods in the Hindu pantheon, and you can do or believe anything you want and still call yourself a Hindu. At the time I thought that was pretty laughable, because I was a brand new convert to Armstrongism. I had been exposed to his authoritative style of writing and speaking, complete with shaking cheek jowls. Herbert W. Armstrong had begun teaching me that there was only ONE possible way that one could be a Christian, and that was to obey all the laws in the Bible. Oops – there are just a few that are now obsolete, and H.W.A. will be only too happy to tell me which ones they are, and also to interpret the other ones so that I obey them properly and look to the right human (him) for guidance whenever I come across anything in the Bible that was hard to understand.

Now that I am older and wiser, I see that the USA is a Christian nation because the 250 million or so people in the USA’s total population of 290 million who call themselves Christian are all clearly Christian simply because they call themselves Christian. That’s really all that’s necessary, isn’t it? You can believe anything you want, and behave any way you feel like, and still call yourself a Christian.

There are hundreds of different Christian denominations, all with slightly different sets of beliefs, and they all claim to be Christian. Surely we wouldn’t want to tell them that they are wrong. That would offend them, be politically incorrect, and be a crime against their human rights. Some groups condemn alcohol, while others approve its use, so therefore in order for both extremes to qualify as “Christian” Jesus must not really care whether you drink alcohol or not. The same logic can be applied to how you are baptized (dunking, sprinkling, full immersion, garden hose, whatever), whether you eat pig meat or not, whether you tithe or not, which day of the week is the Lord’s Day, whether you can play golf on the Lord’s Day or not, whether you can dance or not, etc. etc. Jesus truly believes in diversity for his church. The fact that one group believes it must religiously abstain from human activity X only means that for the people in that group abstaining from X is required for them to be Christian. But other groups believe differently, and people in another group can engage in activity X and still be Christian because they think they can. The only way all these people can be right (and they all do CLAIM to be right, don’t they?) is for nothing to matter to Jesus except that you act according to your beliefs. Wowee zowee! Now that’s my kind of religion. My new church, which so far only has one member, has only one teaching: “Do that which is right.” And I learned that from the wise Bishop Kirby Hensley, founder of the Universal Life Church. Oh, I forgot. My church is not really a church. It is now a fellowship. Church – bad; fellowship – good. Sectarianism – bad; diversity – good.

Since most of the people in this country call themselves Christian, and since the official definition of anyone’s religion is whatever he thinks it is, therefore all these so-called American Christians really are Christians. All that is necessary is to call yourself a Christian and … SHAZAAM!!! … you are one.

That’s pretty loosey-goosey, isn’t it? Isn’t there a more precise definition of a Christian anywhere? E.g., did Jesus, Peter, Paul, Polycarp, Eusebius, Augustine, Peter Waldo (hah!), or any of the Christian church’s “founding fathers” ever define Christianity? In the Bible there isn’t any clearly defined formula such as “Christianity is xxx”. But there are some clues. E.g., we are told that pure religion is to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and keep ourselves unspotted from the world. Whatever that means. And I don’t know any fatherless or widows, so I’m cool. Jesus said we had to do what he said rather than just call him Lord. And what did he say? Ohhhh, don’t you go there with me, because he was a real meddler who couldn’t possibly have meant all that stuff in the Sermon on the Mount, like turning the other cheek, loving our enemies, etc. Nobody can do that, so he won’t mind if we don’t do those things that he said in those verses. See what I mean about believing anything we want and behaving any way we want? If it’s humanly impossible to do, then we don’t have to do it. All right!! I love it!! Ask any U.S. military person who is a Christian if he still thinks of himself as a Christian when he standing ankle-deep in enemy body parts, he is covered with blood and gore, and he is yelling for more ammunition. He will shout “Hell, yeah, I’m a Christian. Now get out of my way you jerk, ‘cause I’ve got a whole lot more enemy to kill.” O-kay, feller, calm down. I was just asking. You go right ahead and kill all those sub-humans. I’ll get out of your way and never bother you again. Since he calls himself a Christian, therefore by definition he really is one. I certainly don’t want to argue with him when he is holding a smoking M-16 and his blood is up.

By the way, I am not condemning war here. I am simply offering an example of how our actions and beliefs need bear no relationship at all with anything in the Bible and we can still be a full-blown Christian. Simply because we think we are. And we are pleasing to God. Because we think we are. No matter how we act. And we can keep being forgiven of the same sins over and over. Or even get permission in advance to sin. If we really need to. Because Jesus loves us. And we can treat one another like the dirt they are. Rob, plunder, rape, murder, hate, lie, extort, swindle, deceive, betray, anything we want.

So if 90% of this country thinks they are Christian, then by God we are a Christian nation.

Therefore the U.S.A. is a real, honest-to-god, Bible-believing, Christian nation.

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