THE GRAVEYARD CHURCH OF GOD

GYCG PRIMER

For Coworkers and those seeking spiritual understanding...

Ambassador College. God's former college, known simply as AC. Founded by Herbert W. Armstrong in 1947 for perfecting the use of Dicondra as a substitute for St. Augustine, a grass named after a pagan.

Ambassador without Portfolio. The opportunity to have a picture made in exchange for a gift.

Bible. The Apostle previously said, "Do not believe me, believe your bible." New truth has revealed that the GYCG website has REPLACED the Bible under the New Covenant, bringing fulfillment to the law.

Big Beak.1. A yellow bird used to entertain the feeble minded. 2. The chicken the Apostle really wanted to choke instead of his own.

Bitter. A member who no longer associates with the GYCG. The worst thing that can be said about a person.

Cognitive Dissonance.  When the Worldwide Church of God tells you Herbert was a pathetic loser but will keep him as their founder anyway.

Carnal. Adjective applied to any word before issuing an edict to conform.

Church. Any building without a steeple, e.g., high school cafeteria, bank meeting room, Masonic Hall or Lion's Club.

Envoy. The old Ambassador College yearbook members kept displayed in their homes regardless of whether they knew anyone who attended. Members are now required to have hwarmstrong.com on at all times.

Faith. 1. To hope something is true when you know it isn't. 2. The ability for a member to tithe 90% of income with no hope of attaining financial freedom.

Feast. A time when God allows unlimited consumption of liquor. The Feast of Caskets is the highlight of God's holy days, picturing a time when all men will dwell in very small booths forever.

Flee. To leave all personal assets, i.e., Amway Distributorships and/or stained polyester leisure suits, behind without notice. See entry for Place of Safety.

Frigid. See entry for Loma.

God. The one who left HWA in charge.

Gospel. The true gospel is not about Christ, but is about his message of presenting baubles to world leaders in front of cameras. The world has been deceived for two thousand years.

Government. God's systematic revelation of lifestyle edicts for non-Apostles.

Graveyard Church of God. (GYCG). The one and only true church maintaining the one true web site.

Graven-Image Cam . Technology has provided the church with the Graven-Image Cam, a current picture of God's Apostle updated every twenty seconds.

Healing. God loves a cheerful Living Impaired person who refuses medical treatment. Members are required to use the official GYCG Anointed Cyber-Cloth for the treatment of disease and sexual dysfunction.

Holy Days. Seven days set aside by God during the year to give members an opportunity to lose their jobs and to give special offerings above and beyond their 90% tithe.

Incest. Non-Apostles having sex with family members.

Liberal. Anything the Apostle does not like.

Living Impaired. 1. Not alive, but well. 2. Deceased. 3. To gain complete understanding.

Loma. See next entry.

Masturbation. The result of not getting any. Causes feeble mindedness in non-Apostles. A hideous sin unless a log is kept.

Makeup. The worst sin imaginable for wives of non-apostles. Women who do not wear makeup please God by keeping the husband's focus on spiritual rather than carnal matters.

Member. A sheep who submits to the Apostle's farmer-like desires.

Nature of God. God is not a trinity; a pagan polytheistic concept authored by Satan. The one God is a family and the purpose of man is to become God like God is God. All Gods will be equal except for those who God is calling now, who will become more equal Gods than other future Gods in the World Tomorrow.

New Truth. New truth is revealed knowledge to God's Apostle. New truth is fluid, i.e., it is truer than old truth, except when new truth is revealed not to be as true as once thought. I am the first person to make this plain in 2000 years.

Pagan. Anything non-GYCG.

Petra. A place of caves in Jordan where God's people will live for 3 ½ years without food, water, electricity, medical care or contact lens solution but are enormously happy while the roman empire dangles people from meat hooks before Christ's return.

Place of Safety. See entry for Petra.

Plain Truth. A glossy magazine found in supermarkets, once with a circulation of over eight million (but actually read by a few hundred). Discovered by African natives to be excellent source of free insulation. Now read by the Pat Boone crowd.

Plain New Truth. The GCYG's publication, available on the internet, has an audience of six billion people. Faster, cheaper, better. Read by the elect.

Sabbath. God created one day a week for mankind do nothing but go to two-hour church services and sleep the afternoon away until sunset when members can do what they want again. Watching the news or reading U.S. News and World Report is OK if watching for prophecy-related news items.

Sermon. A two-hour period of telling members they are better than the world, but are still crap.

Spokesman's Club. A place for losers-geeks to gather and let bigger losers berate them. A big black bug bit a big black bear's butt.

Sin. Transgression of GYCG revelation by non-Apostles.

Tribulation. A period of time in which none of the world's women will wear makeup.

Truth. Truth is true only until new truth is revealed to the Apostle.

Urn Salvation. To obtain the free gift of eternal life by rigid adherence to the TRUTH.

World Tomorrow. A utopian era just ahead where unprocessed foods will return mankind to a pre-Adamic state, where members will live in cities free of crime because criminals are subject to continuous viewing of feast films.

Work. The process of God's Apostle tirelessly flying the world and putting down rebellion in the church.