Found in an old desk!
A Rough Draft of a Member Letter From Herbert W. Armstrong
Dear Inner Family of Brethren:
God's Church is facing a severe crisis, perhaps the most severe crisis since last month! More of that later. God has once again revealed GOOD NEWS! GREAT NEWS! WONDERFUL NEW TRUTH to his church through one of his minions er . . . ministers.
For the past several years, one of our most faithful evangelists, whose name I shall not reveal, has been plagued with approximately a 30% decline per year in his ability to perform his marital duties. Because this has made him SO IRRITABLE, it has been difficult for him to carry out his many vital duties as head of the Gestapo, I mean, Director of the Ministry of this globe-girdling work.
Recently, he consulted with a physician, (even though the rest of you can't), and he learned that there is a new drug* on the market which could restore his ability to perform. Now my dear dumb sheep, I mean, my dear Brethren, some of you may be asking yourselves, "Is it right for him to use this drug, instead of trusting the Eternal Living God to heal him?" The answer is, OF COURSE IT'S RIGHT! This is an EVANGELIST we're talking about! As he has so often said himself, he is the third most important human being on the face of the earth today! (When I develop my next God's Government From the Top Down flow chart for the Worldwide News, that number could change.)
Now Brethren, back to the extreme crisis facing this Great Work. God has revealed to me the REAL REASON that this loyal minister isn't getting any, I mean hasn't been healed. It is because YOU BRETHREN have been flagging (no, not FLOGGING, that's what I do) in your efforts to send in all those tithes and offerings. God has allowed this condition to CLEAN OUT, I mean, CLEAN UP his church! Now, won't you please rush out and send me all the money you can? I have every confidence that God's church will weather this storm. So hurry and send in all you can, after all, Repair-Viagra isn't cheap, and our group insurance doesn't cover it.
So in conclusion, my dear brethren, while you are denying yourselves and your children medical care, you can rejoice in the knowledge that God's ministers are getting some.
Until next time,
Herbert Double-U*Repair-Viagra (registered trademark)
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