Kid That Didn't Get Away

Please do not put Stephen's story or emails in the hate mail. It does not belong there. Stephen was a kid who did "not" get away. Not by a long shot...

I ask you not to put his statements in the hate mail because he is not an outsider, this is a family disagreement.

I know exactly where Stephen is coming from, and I know his mindset all to well. I used the exact same defense mechanism for many years, and I used the exact same denial...

In my personal opinion, and from my own experience, I am convinced that Stephen is still in total "emotional" denial.

I have two college degrees (Post WW$$), I have a Mensa-tested IQ within the top 1%, and I also could read before I started first grade. And I am 51 years old -and I spent 29 years in the belly of the whore...

Stephen's "shell" is made out of intellect -guess what? -he is far from the first person to use intellect as a shell and as a defensive mechanism. And he is far from being the first "intellectually elite" that had to face a life, mind, and heart shattering trauma.

It is totally normal, and it is to be expected, for any person who has experienced a traumatic, shattering experience to rely on their greatest strength. In that environment, that strength may well be strong enough to build a "shell," and become an almost impenetrable defense mechanism.

If you reread Stephen's story, you can almost hear his cries for help between the lines. As is normal, his mind has coped first. But he may well have cloaked his emotional devastation with his intellect. In other words, Stephen may not have even begun the agonizing process of "emotional" healing.

His mind may well be strong enough to "wrap" his broken emotional bones in a "shell of denial." There are many people of "average" intellect who have done this same thing. Actually, it is a very common defense.

Regardless of race, creed, religion, gender, IQ, size, looks, or education -every person who experiences a traumatic, life-shattering experience recovers in the same pattern. Intellectually first -emotionally last.

The stronger a person is, the stronger their defensive mechanisms -and the longer it takes to recover. Especially for strong people who "recover" on their own...

Many things in life are a two edged sword, strength can become a weakness and freedom can become a prison The strength required to survive a personal tribulation can become a defensive "shell," then it can become a defense mechanism that inhibits, and even strangles, other aspects of life.

My fianc,, Lori, put it in the most eloquent words I have ever heard. "In order to get over the shit, you have to deal with the shit."

Again I ask you, editor, not to put Stephen's words and statements in the hate mail. His sharp and caustic words were not directed at us, they were directed at himself. But he just doesn't know it yet. He still has many emotional wounds and injuries that he does not yet realize -although he feels them every hour of every day.

In my opinion, as are all of my words here, if you reread Stephen's comments, you will see a vast gulf and gap between his intellect -and his emotions. And you will see that his emotional injuries are still severe. But the worst thing about emotional injuries is that they are "invisible." You can be a "walking cripple," but nobody else can "see" the wounds and injuries -but they are so very real. Just like an invisible broken leg, you feel the agony, but no one else can see it.

And maybe even worse is the fact that you can "hide" emotional injuries to your own self. You can be "strong," and you can do your job and you can pay your bills and you can seem like a normal person -but deep inside you know that something is very wrong.

You can't wrap your physical mind around a physical broken bone. But you can damn sure wrap you "intellectually mind" around a broken "emotional" bone. A broken bone that you can't even see yourself. You will feel the pain and the agony, but you can't "see" it or know what it is. And some of us will drive ourselves into the ground to deny it.

There are physical drugs, and there are intellectual and emotional drugs... There are physical odors, and there are intellectual and emotional odors... There are physical injuries, and there are intellectual and emotional injuries -some minor, and some are fatal.

Editor, I would almost bet my life that Stephen is still in deep "emotional" denial and has not come to terms with "himself" emotionally. He has relied on his natural strength, and his strength has overpowered his other talents, skills, abilities and feelings. His strength has overpowered his "lesser," but balancing, attributes of life.

Stephen really was a member of the cult -but he hasn't faced it "emotionally," and he has not broken free of it yet.

If Stephen is an "intellectual elite," then so am I. If I am an "intellectual elite," then so is Stephen. But we are all intellectual mountain ranges with peaks and valleys. Since one of my personal peaks reaches the top 1%, I have to believe that I also have an "equal" valley -so stay out of your valleys and live on your peaks (but you have to discover where your peaks and valleys are). Your valleys are your weaknesses, and your peaks are where your "power" is.

Stephen touched a deep, personal nerve, and there is something that eats at my guts to this very day...

I lost the best friend that I ever had because he refused treatment for a very treatable cancer -and yes -he had a young, faithful wife who watched him die. (He was 26 years old.) One simple, routine operation and Roy would still be alive today -along side his middle-aged, faithful wife. (With how many children and grandchildren?)

But even more, Stephen's brother (and so many others) died -but my brother lived...

In my prime, I could bench press 300 pounds on a "short" bar. Years later, my "little" brother, Jerry, could bench press 350 pounds on a "long" bar -big, big difference.

Jerry could have easily won the state weight lifting championship -except for the "Sabbath." He was 16 years old and could bench press 310 on the long bar -the state championship for his weight class that year was won with 270 pounds...

I am 5' 8" and 175. Jerry is 6' 1" and 240 -but I will never, ever forget that night so many years ago...

It was the night when we put Jerry's life in "God's" hands. Jerry was still a scrawny, skinny kid -barely 90 pounds. He had a fever of 105, and he was gasping and clawing for every breath of air he took. I stood over him and watched him fight for his very life. With my twisted and worthless IQ within the top 1%, I thought the "ministers" would save him -the anointed cloth was his salvation --I "prayed" for my brother.

How could a sane, rational person stand there and watch their little brother fight for his life -and not do anything?

Not only that, but I was a second degree brown belt in Karate at that time. I could have taken on everyone there (including the two ministers) -and taken my brother to the hospital by force. But we were doing "God's will" (excuse me while I puke) according to "God's Church." My little brother wasn't the 240 pound man that he is now, he was a 90 pound child, and he didn't have any choice.

The 90 pound Jerry had double pneumonia -and the only reason he survived was because of the strength within his own body. The olive oil wasn't worth shit...

The guilt of that night with my "little" brother still eats at me to this day. We came so close to losing Jerry that night -when he could not protect himself. Even though my brother lived, I still feel gut-wrenching guilt.

No minister, deacon or church leader ever came to our home except by request. But on that night with Jerry, the "ministers" stayed for several hours -now I know the real reason why. It was to protect their own ass's in case Jerry died. They remained in our home only to protect the "church" from legal consequences and publicity (read the Ambassador Reports)...

Those two ministers do not comprehend what this "little" sheep would have done to them if Jerry had died and they turned against us and protected the church as stated in the Ambassador Reports.

Nor can I, myself, comprehend the cancerous life-long guilt that would have saturated me if my brother Jerry had died that night.

Stephen was helpless and powerless when his brother died -I was not. But the power that I had, I subjected to the insanity of others. My brother lived -but it wasn't because of me...

Editor, I believe that Stephen's words and "attacks" are part of his shield, shell and defensive mechanisms.

We all came from a sperm and an egg, so there is nothing "special and unique" about any of us -what's available to me is available to you, and what's available to you is available to me. It may be in different areas, but -that's reality...

Editor, I submit to you that Stephen is "not" a boy who got away. He is a boy who "didn't" get away...

Like so many others he thought that "leaving" the church was the end. But leaving the church (or any other cult) is NOT the end -it is only the beginning...

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