Millennium Movies II
By John B
It’s been a year since we presented you with Millennium Movies. Since the last installment, it seems that movie production is getting worse instead of better. For some reason, the peace and prosperity of God’s rule on earth just isn’t conducive to exciting film features. Without Satan around to stir things up, it becomes increasingly difficult to find inspiration for good action flicks. In fact, the reign of Jesus Christ is pretty goddamned boring.
Nevertheless, here are some more picks for you to (try to) enjoy.
Me, Myself, and Iraq
Spiritual comedy about a delusional Pastor-General who travels to Baghdad to preach the Good News of Jesus to Saddam Hussein, forgetting that just the week before his alter ego had painted Saddam as the evil, prophetic King of the South. Hilarious torture scenes, the execution is a scream. Satisfying ending.
Starring Saddam Hussein, Joseph Tkach, Jr. Bagh Daddy Pictures. Not Rated.
Gods and Pastor Generals
Colorful but boring story about Worldwide Church of God splinter churches and their struggles to snare the lion’s share of available tithe-payers. Funny here and there, but largely a waste of time.
Starring Rod Meredith, Gerald Flurry, Garner Ted Armstrong, David Hulme, and introducing twenty-five unknowns. Two Bit Productions. Rated $.
We Were Christian Soldiers
Grim tale set in the 1960s as Worldwide Church of God members train unceasingly to be “counted worthy” to escape the coming tribulation. Many heartbreaking scenes of sacrifice, but the whole movie is about training – no action. Brilliant portrayal of the futility of religion.
Starring Mel Gibson, Herbert Armstrong, Ted Armstrong, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir as the Worldwide Church of God. Universal Fools Studios.
Heartbreaking musical about an 85 year-old pastor general who imports a shy teenaged virgin from the Philippines and puts her up in a luxurious apartment to serve as his whore. Very sad.
Starring Richard Gere (as Herbert Armstrong). Sugar Daddy Pictures. Rated Sick.
Moving story about Navajo villagers seeking the true religion in 1958. After reading the Plain Truth magazine for many months, they contact Pasadena for a ministerial visit. Suspense builds as the day approaches, then two Ambassador College graduates arrive to answer the Navajos’ questions. After a lively and sometimes heated discussion, the village chief concludes that the ministers are “talking out of their ass”. Great ending!
Starring Nicolas Cage, Raymond McNair, Don Billingsley. Ass T Films. Rated Ya-teh.
Gangs of New Pork
Waterhouseian sci-fi snoozer about hordes of bio-engineered pigs with superior intellect stampeding across the Ambassador College campus. In what is obviously a satanic plot to destroy God’s Work, the pillaging porkers seek to destroy individual church members by forcing them to swallow sausages. (Some sexual violence).
Starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Mrs. Ellen Housecat (as Miss Piggy). Farmer John Studios. Rated PGX.
Mel Gibson stars as a Man of God who turns his back on religion after his wife is killed in a hideous accident. His life is changed, however, when he hears Herbert Armstrong on the radio, then finds strange “crop circles” in his cornfield. Putting two and two together, he realizes that the “signs” are divinely inspired, and worth millions of tithe dollars if he will only return to preaching.
Starring Mel Gibson and Herbert Armstrong. Twentieth Century Bucks. Rated $$$.
Lord of the Rings: The Two Trees
Perhaps the best film this year, loaded with prophetic symbolism. In “Middle Earth” (symbolically halfway between Heaven and Hell) lives a race of Hobbits (Worldwide Church of God members). They are mortal creatures who live between the immortal Elves (Worldwide Church of God ministers) and mortal Men (the evil World). Their actual residence is called the Shire (Ambassador College), and they are threatened by the forces of Mordor (Satan). As dark, dangerous days approach (the Tribulation), only the benevolent wizard Gandalf (Armstrong) and a handful of brave young hobbits can stave off destruction, by finding and destroying the “Two Trees” that were responsible for the coming of evil into the world.
Starring Michael Feazel as Frodo Baggins. Evil Wind Productions. Not Rated.
Guess Who’s Coming to College
This remake of the 1960s Sidney Poitier classic stars Eddie Murphy as the first “Negro” ever to attend Ambassador College. Murphy plays Harold Washington, who challenges the Armstrong theory that the brain cavities of “Negroes” are not sufficiently developed to grasp the fundamentals of God’s Truth. Intended as a serious screenplay, there are nevertheless some hilarious moments as Murphy interacts with Herbert Armstrong, the capper coming when Armstrong first explains the Day of Atonement and Murphy responds with “Get the fuck outta here!”
Starring Eddie Murphy, Herman Whore, and Harris Yulin (as Herbert Armstrong). Black Star Motion Pictures. Rated GTFOH.
$ Worth Money $$$ Worth a lot of Money GTFOH Get The Fuck Out of Here Sick Sick PGX Pretty Goddamned close to X Yah-teh Navajo greeting
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