When Should You Forgive?
Millennium Movies III
by John B
Seems like it's been a couple of years since we recommended any movies for you to watch, but a lot has been happening under the continuing Kingdom of God during this here Millennium. Now that disease, war, famine, crime, adultery, selfishness, competition, inter-racial marriage, and masturbation have been eliminated, there just isn't a helluva lot of source material for movies any more. We are all too busy just being happy and praising the Lord all the time. When we aren't doing that, we're kept pretty busy forcing the unconverted to be happy. That's a full-time job all by itself. (Hard to imagine why the rest of the world doesn't want to be like us!)
But Hollywood, under new management, of course, has managed to patch together a few pictures to entertain us, so here are this year's offerings.
The Pension of the Christ
Gritty film about the loss of promised pensions and benefits for employees who devoted their lives to the Worldwide Church of God. Extremely violent scenes of protesting employees being bludgeoned by HQ staff. Not for children.
Real Estate 911
Muddled mystery surrounding the sale of a church college to a fundamentalist religious sect for perhaps as much as $911 million. The financial terminology is somewhat confusing for lay audiences – and CPA’s. Lots of dialog about ”deferred payments” and “offshore accounts”. Though the ending is unclear, critics call the movie dishonest and deceptive. Not for children.
The Day Before Yesterday
Somewhat apocalyptic movie about the end of the world as envisioned in the 1950s by Rod Meredith and Garner Ted Armstrong. Set in 1975, lots of scenes of disease, drought, earthquake, floods, and tidal waves. Only one humorous scene, in which Herbert Armstrong delivers a sermon entitled “The Plain Truth About Sue and Amy” (tsu n ami). Otherwise very depressing. Not for children.
Fast and Flurryous
Exciting drag-racing flick featuring amateur pastors-general in fast cars. While there is no discernable plot, the action is fast and furious, ending with a dream-like sexual dalliance between a voluptuous coed and a middle-aged amateur pastor-general on a college campus at 2 in the morning. Not for children.
Hilarious tale of two ministers, Dick Armstrong and “Mister Dick”, disguising themselves as African-Americans in order to preach in the ghetto. A total fantasy, but funny as hell. Not for children.
Futuristic story about a deranged preacher named Tkach (Russian for “robot”) who takes over a worldwide church and steals its assets, all of which were paid for by a destitute membership. Has the potential to be a great movie, but fails miserably. Not for children.
Pirates of Pasadena: Curse of the Black Soul
Johnny Depp stars as a renegade pastor-general with a dark history of corruption. Depp turns in a brilliant and witty performance as his character, “Joey”, and his band of piratical ministers pilfer the pensions of Pasadena employees and laughs at their despair. Not for children.
Brilliant comedy about an evil genius who somehow gains godlike powers and uses them for personal gratification. Not for children.
The Last Samurai
Gripping story of change as a worldwide church disintegrates. The last samurai (Japanese for “pastor-general”) takes iron control of an organization built over a half-century by better and wiser men than he, dismisses the employees, sells the assets, and keeps the money. Not for children.
Courtroom drama as former members of a corrupt religious cult file a class-action suit against the cult leadership in an attempt to recoup millions of dollars in tithes that were fraudulently solicited. The story follows the flight of the pastor-general as he flees to Switzerland. Not for children.
Never Finding Land
Heart-wrenching tale of the dispossessed members of a religious cult searching for land where they can rebuild their church after its assets were stolen by a felonious pastor-general. Not for children.
Explanation of Ratings:
$ Send tithes
$$ Send offerings
$$$ Send more tithes and offerings
$$$$$$$$ Screw the tithes, send it all in
-$ Oops! What happened to all that money?
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