The Painful Truth About The Worldwide Church of God


 Patricia Ann Laessig (c) 1999-2005


Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered.  Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God.  It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.



"Well, well, well!!! I'll be damned!! I'll pinch myself and see if I'm awake or sleeping. Hell, my fingers slip right through each other! I'm not asleep in my grave. I guess I am dead. But that means that I'm alive but my body isn't! Wow! How did I pull that one off! I must be in the first resurrection. How about that! I wonder where Jesus is. He's supposed to be giving me the low-down on teaching the masses. Or was I supposed to teach all the rest of the brethren that must have resurrected along with me. Where are they? Hey, Herman! Where are you? Yeah, Herman, hey! Are you here? Can you hear me? Last I heard of you there was a rumor you had AIDS. Was that so? How about you, Stanley? Or are you still in the flesh? Hey Gerald? You here? Naw, if you were here you'd be filling me in on all the gossip and my prophecies that failed for the last fifty years. Hey, this is cool man. Oh! Loma. You're lookin' great, baby. Looks like you've shed a few years. How'd you do that? You were pretty old and wrinkled last time I saw you. But then, I was pretty busy logging my activities with the young lady.....oh....I guess I never told you about that....and I don't see that it would be worth the trouble now. She grew up without a backward glance, so what's the big deal! Oh, never mind. It's nothing you need to know.

What's that? That bright light coming my way? Or who...I'll be damned! If it isn't Joe! Son of gun, Joe, how the hell are you? Welcome to my kingdom, you rotten son of a female. Passing the baton, you told the dumb sheep! You wouldn't even let my family in when I was laying on my deathbed, and then you told everybody I turned the Church over to you willingly!? What an operator! You really pulled it off, didn't you Joe! But that son of yours has the last laugh! Now he's got the whole kit and kaboddle! Outsmarted you! Out lived you too! Ha! Oh well, Joe. Now that you're here, I've got to line up my top men to run God's government you know. Its time we get it rolling since the sheep will be coming into pasture. Ha Ha. We've got a lot of preaching to do before the next batch arrives in the second resurrection, so who should we get to write up the assignment lists and take attendance? We'll have to see how many of the deacons made it. I hope a few of them are around. Have you seen any? I haven't either. Maybe we can sucker, oh I mean entice a few deaconesses to get the job done. Hey ladies, its time to bring out the crystal service and put away the Tupperware, we have God's work for you to do. Ladies? Hey you? I'm God's Apostle! But it’s your duty to obey me.... Oh! I should go where? I'll disfellowship you for that and mark you! How dare you ignore my orders! Don't you know who I am!?

What the....? What the hell are you doing here John Trechak? Damn it! Do you have to follow me and Joe everywhere we go? Can't you ever stop that damn Ambassador Report so Joe and I can get back to the business of God's work without our every move getting reported to the brethren! Why the hell are you laughing? There's nothing funny about it, John. We've got work to do. How'd you get here anyway? You were disfellowshipped and marked a long time ago. How'd this happen? Hey Joe! Did YOU let him back in? Hey Joe, where the hell did you go, don't you know that I'm in charge now and you have to be submissive. Joe. Damn him, there he goes in his black Cadillac. How'd he get that? How does he rate anyway?

Well, guess I'll mosey on, but I'm not sure where I'm going. Hey you! How do I get to headquarters? Hey you over there....boy with the wolf. How dare you walk away from me. I demand your respect! How'd he get here anyway? The hell with him, I'll figure out the layout and get to headquarters so I can get started on the new millennium. I wonder where that music is coming from. Guess I'll go see. Oh there's a crowd. Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ, brethren. Jesus Christ! Well I'll be a son of a...if it isn't the 'king of rock 'n roll! And he's still singing and swiveling those hips. I'll have to write some new articles about lewd behavior and publish it in the next issue of the Plain Tru............ Wait a minute......Elvis was never a baptized member of the church so what's he doing here anyway? Hey boy! Stop this instant! Hum... must not have heard me. Oh well, maybe I can still cut the rug myself, if nobody is watching of course. 'well its one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and go cats go.....' Hey this is fun. I haven't danced since Garner Ted was at Ambassador College. Hey Ted? You here? Ted! Can you hear me? Guess not. I'm not surprised. He's a chip off the old block. Must not have been sincere when he repented the last time. Too bad. Guess I'll have to remember that he is still disfellowshipped from God's true church even if he was my heir-apparent until the Tkach boys came along and changed everything. Oh yeah, that's right. They did change everything. Maybe that's why nobody else is here. They're all in Sabbath services. Must be Saturday...oh that's right....that was changed too. Must be Sunday. Hey you over there! What time does the sun set today? Yeah. I want to know when the Sabbath is over? You never heard of the Sabbath? How'd you get here? Geeeeeeze! Maybe I am just dreaming after all. I wonder. You aren't Christian? Then what are you doing in the first resurrection? Stop laughing.  Who do you think YOU ARE laughing at God's Apostle, Jesus Christ? THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! If you're Jesus Christ, then I'm Mickey Mou........You really are him? I suppose you're here to help me get the government set up, right? Stop laughing. I'll tell God and get you disfellowshipped if you don't treat his Apostle with respect. Now go get Joe over here and we'll get started.....Oh. You're giving the orders now? It’s not the Sabbath? What do you mean it’s not the first resurrection? What do you mean that I preached a bunch of bullshit? How dare you insult me! Whatda ya mean I'm no Apostle? And that they have had a few cold days there. Stop laughing, dammit! This isn't funny. Where's my jet? I'm outta here? Nowhere to go? Gotta stay and repent? The hell you say! God has a recycling program? I'm to be in charge of that, huh? NO? Stop laughing. Recycles garbage? Next time I have to be born again as a female? What do you mean, born again? I ain't goin' nowhere!!! Stop laughing. I have to go? God said? Can't I at least be a male? I wouldn't know what to do without my ........I'll get used to it? Oh no! Or else? What's the 'or else'? You'll send Rosanne to be my mom and John Trechak to be my dad next time around? No! No! No! I'll go. Bye Jesus, I'll go. See ya, Joe. I'm outta here. Goin' back to try again. You too? A twin sister? Whatda ya mean, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s grand children? Black? Oh shit!”

to be continued…

Chapter One - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

“When I woke up this morning I had the strangest feeling, like I'd been dreaming about passing through a tunnel and meeting up with a bunch of well-wishers. They could have been better greeters though. I'll have to have the spokesman's club use the topic of "how one should be a humble greeter" for their next assignment. One of those idiots actually introduced himself as Jesus Christ. Must be a nut case.

“Gosh! Isn't it amazing! I can clap my hands together and they just pass right through one another! Wow!!! This body is really something else! I used to preach about the soul sleeping in the grave until the resurrection. I really thought the Jehovah Witnesses had a spectacular idea, about staying on the earth 'in the kingdom'. Then Jesus comes back and everybody gets educated with my one true church. They never knew I borrowed a bit of my doctrine from them. Heh heh. But then the Mormons didn't know I stole from them either when I discovered that they were God makers and that was as good as any incentive to get people to want to be a part of my church. Heh heh. Will wonders never cease! All I had to do was tell people that they would become gods and they couldn't get enough of my preaching! Heh heh. The arrogant jerks.

“And good old Adolph Hitler. He had some damn good ideas about control. I couldn't have designed my doctrines and policies without his expertise incorporated into my idealism. It really worked. His idea of telling a 'big lie' rather than a little bitty one, worked wonders with the dumb sheep! Heh heh. Actually I didn't lie about much. I AM the greatest! Never before in the history of mankind has there been any one apostle that blanketed the world with as much 'plain truth' as I did. I really got the message out there, even if it was a modge podge of Christianity and Judaism and quite a few other religions. I thought my borrowing even a little reincarnation from the Eastern Religions was a clever way to get Elijah to come back when it was convenient. Well, I suppose I'll have to come up with some more information. That six month, in depth study of the Bible, gave me quite a bit to go on but I could spend another six months and see what else I can come up with. Then I'll pass it along to the ministers for them to preach about.

“Lets see. Its time for me to call for a ministerial conference. Where's my phone? Actually I am confused. Where am I? I thought I was in my own bed, but this is a strange place. Hum. Look out this window and....hey....I'm not even in Pasadena! Where the hell am I? Did the jet land someplace and I fell asleep before it landed and here we are in a new place. That must be it. Hey Rod? Where are you? Herman? Stanley? Yeah, you're still on the payroll until 2004, so you might as well keep working for me. Stan? Ted? Where the hell are all you guys? Ramona? I didn't call for you. What the hell are you doing here? You want what? My last will and testament? Get lost!!! I must be dreaming still. That dame has got her nerve even in my sleep.

“Oh shit! Maybe I'm really asleep in my grave and dreaming! Maybe I'll have nightmares like this for a thousand years! That would be worse than what I preached about oblivion. Damn. I can't figure this one out. Hey anybody! Can you hear me?

“Huh? There's hat Jesus freak again, all dressed up in robes and sandals acting like a fool, smiling and blessing everybody. He will be a tough one to convert! There'll be none of that gentleness and sweetness in the men in my church! Who wants those damn sissies anyhow! Not me. I want REAL men. Men that can rule with a rod of iron. Hey Rod? Speaking of ruling with a rod of iron...where are you? You've always been my 'yes man', so now when I need to have your help you're nowhere to be found.

“This is disgusting. Oh, hello there missy. You've got a cute ...excuse you? You're an angel? Yeah, and I'm the big bad wolf! See my choppers? Heh heh! The better to eat you my dear. Oh, where's my teeth? Must have left them on my dresser. You never saw anyone with spare parts before? Where have you been? Oh heaven....and I've been a good little boy and you're the tooth fairy! Right!?

“Hum. This is strange. I do have my teeth in. But they don't come out. In fact they are real. How'd that happen? Oh yeah...something strange here just like with my hand clapping. I can stick my finger in my mouth and it comes out my nose or ear or.....Stop laughing. I was only playing. You think I need to be re-educated in a re-education camp? Aren't they located in China? I don't want to go to China. Besides they'd stop my jet from landing there because I pissed them off a few years ago on account of Mr. Chin or Chan or what was his name? That funny little bow legged guy that used to do some importing for me. I don't wanna go to .....Who said anything about China? Well I just assumed.....You're going to send me to this camp here? But I'm sleeping and having a nightmare!.....I'm not sleeping? What the hell do you call this then?.......You've got to be kidding! This ain't no heaven. Where's my harp? Heh,’s a heavy one. But I don't know how to play it. Play it anyway? Just for kicks? Who do you think you are telling me to....Just shut up and play?

“I think it was Taiwan where I last "tied one on" anyway with the little ladies and what a blast with.....hey.....Herman! You around? Just thinking about some good-old-days and you come to mind...Herman's not here you say? I wasn't bragging! I was just logging a few more of my escapades for posterity!....And I'll be doing what for penance?.....What do you mean, born again? I ain't gettin' involved with no 'born again Christians'. I should have thought about that when I wrote all those stupid booklets? What do you mean, stupid booklets! They were my best work! How dare you say they stunk! How dare you say they caused thousands and thousands of people their lives? I didn't kill anybody. I didn't hurt anybody. I was only following orders. I was on a hot line from God himself! And he told me what to write. Every word. If you don't believe me, just ask Garner Ted. He heard 'em too. Who you ask? God. God told us. I am NOT....I repeat.....NOT.....FULL OF SHIT. I am GOD'S APOSTLE. HIS ONE AND ONLY APOSTLE ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH!!! What do you mean that that was then, this is NOW? What do you mean this isn't earth???????”

to be continued…

Chapter Two - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

“Where's that damn maid service!!! I demand immediate room service!!!! How the hell can I preach on an empty stomach? Dammit, get those pork chops up here immediately! There! That oughta get'em movin'!!!! How the hell can I write ad nauseam as I must, on an empty stomach! I have to rewrite my articles on the dangers of eating unclean meat. Hey room service, I'll take a lobster with my pork chop! And plenty of fluffy white bread with gobs of strawberry jelly. Can't get enough of that sweet stuff! Oh, thinking about sweet stuff, you shoulda seen the stream of nice little college freshman girls ripe for the pickin' at Ambassador College every year. I was inspired by them, time and again to write about that old Jezebel and the dangers of getting worked up over these hot babes, or rather, sinful women. Those Eve descendants. Mother Eve, you've produced your whole line of bad bad prodigy. Ain't a woman alive who can match up to any man, even the lowest of the low....hey where the hell is that room service? Can't you dumb broads ever get here on time?!!! I'm a hungry man and you'd better watch out when I'm hungry. I'll eat ANYTHING!!! Heh heh.....

“Damn accommodations! Its not the same here as the good old days when I was jetting all over the globe and picking the cream of the crop, so to speak, all over the globe while preaching of course. Had to have some kind of a cover up, to make it look like authentic church business. Managed a few nice photographs too of ME with world leaders. All it cost was a few thousand dollars to buy a priceless antique crystal and I could get all the photos I wanted. The dumb sheep ate that up like a bunch of pork chops! Hey dammit, where's my damn pork chops! I'm hungry. What do you mean this is no hotel?

“What are you doing working here, John Trechek? What's on that tray? Oh, you brought me my breakfast, bless your rotten heart! Here, put it right here in front of me. Hey, this is pretty good. You cook this too? Oh, you just harvested it. I see. Not too bad, John. Tastes a little funky though. What is it? They call it a cow pie? Aw John, don't tease an old man, tell me what it really is. Chomp! Chomp! Oh, you got it out in that pasture over there? The one I can see out my window? Oh. I see. So tell me the truth John, the plain truth. The hell you say, John! You wouldn't feed me a pile of dried out bullshit! Oh, you would? Chomp Chomp Chomp. What's that loud noise I hear, John? Oh, just the bull outside my window? BULL?????? Aw shit! That's right you say? You son of female dog. Stop laughing, John. It isn't funny. Give me a tooth pick. Burp!

“Just deserts, huh, John? So what are you going to bring me for dessert? One of those cute little blond bombshells I see floating around all over the place? Heh, heh.....Oh, there're angels, you say. Yeah and I'm the pope. Oh, you don't think the pope would like you using his name in vain? Ha Ha Ha....that ain't all I'd use in vain in that old Harlot Babylon religion. I could tell you stories, John, about the Vatican and popes that would curl your toe nails. I'll bet if you could sneak your way into the Vatican Library you could find out a lot of juicy stuff about that old cat at the top, and all the others all the way back to St. Pete! Yeah John, just a whole new territory for you to report on so you can get off my back!

“Who wants to see me? Yeah right! And I'm the Queen of Sheba! So you're St. Pete, oh excuse me, Peter! Ha Ha Ha. We had another connotation for that word back in the old days, Pete. Heh, what the hell do you want with me? Disrespectful? Who me? Naw man! I respect the hell outa you and all the REAL MEN. Its just these wimpy guys that freak me out, like the one that's walking this way in robes and sandals. He looks like a real loser! A sissy. A wimp. Oh Jesus Christ! That's right! This lunatic introduces himself as Jesus Christ. And I'm Mickey say he is Jesus Christ? And you're St. Pete? Ha Ha Ha, and so where's your buddy Judas? Still hanging around on the tree I suppose! Ha Ha Ha......THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! The hell you say!!!! That's him walking outside in the bull pen? Sure, and John Trechak wears panty hose!!!! John? Where the hell did you go John, just when I needed you? John?

“Oh? He had to go over and talk to Joe Tkach cause he's crying again? What the hell has he got to cry about? The old fool. He took over my empire, I mean my church, I mean God's church when I....oh that's right fellas. This is all a nightmare. And you'll all go "POOFT" in just a minute or two and I can enjoy my pork chops and lobster and a good cold beer! He's still crying? Because he was the number one apostle for such a short time compared to me? Oh, what a jerk!!!! He'd never have been an apostle at all if I hadn't left the position vacant for him. Of course, the arrogant jackass couldn't wait to get my job. Even rewrote my best seller, "Mystery of the Ages". NO! NOT MYSTERY OF THE AGED!!!!!!!!! A G E S you fools! What do you mean you never read such bullshit? Whatda ya mean it was never a best seller? Whatda ya mean I was a senile old fool? What do ya mean that at least there was more truth in that book than my autobiography? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!!!!! IT WAS NOT FICTION!!! I don't like this place. Nobody likes me. Stop LAUGHING!!!!

“Dammit Joe, stop your blubbering!!! Can't you see I've got REAL trouble? Nobody will bring me my pork chops!

“Don't let those alligator tears fool you fellas, he's a real peach! Scripture whipped and harangued his wife until she was a mindless fool stumbling around in her robe and slippers all over Ambassador campus. That's what John Trechak told me. I suppose it’s true. John wouldn't lie. Would you, John? Hey John, where'd you go? Out for breakfast? He's having pork chops and lobster and a cold beer? That son of a bi........stole my breakfast! Damn you John!!! It’s not bad enough that you ruin my reputation by writing all that shit about me, then you go steal my food. I'd never do THAT to anybody. Steal their food? How low can you go? John, you're a monster. I'm hungry!!!! What do you mean I robbed people of their food budget for years? What do you mean there were a lot of hungry kids around the world because of my greed? What do you mean some of them died because of me? If they were dumb enough to send me their money, it was their own stupidity!!!! you can't pin that on me, Jesus Christ!

“You have proof? Akashic Records? That's what you call the book of life? It's all in there? Word for word? Deed for deed? Jesus Christ!!!! Not getting away with anything? Not one little jot or tittle? Tit for tat. What do you mean, born again? What goes around comes around. Cause and effect...I was right on that? Oh Shit!”

to be continued…

Chapter 3 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Oh it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood ...blah.... blah....blah...humm... .hum... What have we here? Oh! If it isn't my old buddy, old pal, how the hell are you, you old son-of-a-gun! Will wonders never cease? Will I wake up and this will all disappear? Hey you over there! Dick! Dick! It's me, Herbert W. Armstrong. How's it going, buddy? Haven't seen you since the last time we had our pictures taken together.....when I was on my tour to preach the word of God, yeah. You don't remember? You were busy because of Watergate? You don't remember me? Oh, you do remember me? Great! Not great? It was easier dealing with the Democrats? That's not fair, Dick. I never broke into your headquarters. You heard someone took over mine at Pasadena? That's where WHO? got the idea??? Pay off the authorities? Because I persuaded them to give up the receivership you think I paid them off, Dick? Well it worked, didn't it!!! So what's the big deal, Dick? Dick? Where'd you go, Dick.? Damn him! Can't take a little reminiscence of the good-old-days.. what a sore loser. That's a Republican for ya.

"Don't speak like that of the dead, you say? Who the hell are YOU to tell me how to talk? Jesus Christ? Damn! It’s you again! What the hell do you want with me, you sandal footed, effeminate flunky? I am NOT arrogant!!! God hates arrogance? So what's that got to do with me? I'll meet my match? He who gets the last laugh, laughs best? Stop laughing!!

"I wish you were here, Herman. At least I'd have somebody to talk to who spoke my language and didn't PULL RANK on me. I'd even settle for a few minutes with the windbag. At least Gerald treated me like an apostle. These old-timers here got no respect for a man of God. Oh shit! Here comes John Trechak again. Hey, John! How were the pork chops? Best you ever ate, you say? Stop laughing, John. I don't think you've very nice...stealing food from an old man. You don't think I'm very nice either? Nobody likes me. I don't get any respect. You've heard that before? There's more than one Rodney? One earns his living as a comedian, the other never intended to be, but is a hoot? No RESPECT, John. You don't give me no respect, or you wouldn't talk about my right hand men that way. STOP LAUGHING! John! Dammit John.

"Didn't it ever occur to you people around here that I'm a self-made man? I tried everything to make a living when I was a young man, and it wasn't easy. Even tried to sell mud for facials. Why do you think it pisses me off when women wear makeup? They wouldn't buy my beauty packs when they had a chance, so they don't have to wear that paint on their faces now. I wasn't talking about Rod. Still another Rod out there? This one wears makeup? Oh that basketball star? What a show off, John. He acts that way because he's a show off. I've out 'show-offed' him? What are you saying, John? You think I'm more of a celebrity? Oh, in a smaller circle. Just to the brethren? I'm not a show-off John! I'm God's apostle. Stop laughing!

"You again, Pete? What the hell do you want. Stealing your title? You're the real apostle. Yea, and I'm Tiny Tim! The ukulele player who married Miss Vickie, you idiot! Not the little cripple! You're who you are and I'm who I am? Can't change that? Take responsibility for everything I've ever done? Oh, get a life, Pete! Aren't you supposed to be tending the pearly gates?

"What a jerk! Can't get off my back! And who the hell are you looking at me that way? Charles? I don't know ya, chuck. Dickens? Hum...have we ever met? But I never meant any harm Chuck when I talked about Tiny Tim. I was referring to that 60's kook with the long hair who strummed a ukulele and sang 'Tiptoe Through The Tulips'. You want me to shut up my 'two lips'. Excuse me? You'd like to send the ghost of Christmas past to give me a life review? Hey Chuck, old Pete and his nutty buddy Jesus Christ have been doing that every day. There were lots of Tiny Tim's left in my wake? What the hell does that mean? Sure I preached that parents should trust God and not doctors, send me their tithe money and not buy health insurance. Big deal! It’s their problem, Chuck. Kids died? Parents died? Just because they refused medical treatment. So, Chuck, what's your point?

"Loma? Whatda ya know about Loma, Chuck? It was her choice, Chuck, not to get a doctor when she was sick. It’s not my fault she suffered a bowel obstruction and died, even though a simple procedure would have saved her. God let her die. My son? What do you know about my son? Oh, that one. Not many people knew about Richard. My fault? Get off it, Chuck. God's will. I ain't takin' no blame for nobody dying!!! It was God's will. God was punishing them for not having any faith. That's the way it is Chuck! Who are all those people out there, Chuck? There's enough to fill Ambassador Auditorium. Who are they all? Here to see me? What the hell do they want to see me for? Go and see? But I don't wanna!!! No choice. God said?

"These are all former members and children in the Worldwide Church of God? Howdy folks! Here I AM. HERBERT W. ARMSTRONG. FOUNDER AND APOSTLE OF GOD'S ONE TRUE CHURCH ON THE PLANET EARTH! Oh...the hell you say....this isn't earth....oh yeah....I heard that the other day.....YOU WHAT? Have all those who died because they refused medical treatment because of my doctrine? So, Chuck, what's your point? Stop swearing, Chuck. Show me some RESPECT! Whatda ya mean I don't deserve the respect of a snail? Whatda ya mean I'm a murderer? Have you lost your marbles? I can't help it if the dumb sheep are too dumb to go to a doctor. You know I had the very best doctors money could buy when I was sick before coming here. I didn't ask anybody's permission to get a doctor. I just hired the best! Oh...whose money you ask? Well, out of my salary of course, Chuck. From the church! You criticizing me for using the tithe money these dead people paid to me to pay my doctor bills? Outrageous? Get a life, Chuck. What'd you say? Can't hear ya Chuck! Too much booing from the crowd. I'm outta here. Gonna have some lunch. Chuck, where'd you go?

"Hey John, wanna go to lunch? I'll buy the pork chops. Maybe if I buy you some you'll not steal mine!!! I'm getting the idea? What idea, John? There's enough for everybody if the hogs don't hoard it all? They got pigs here, John? Let's go eat, I'm hungry."

to be continued…

Chapter Four - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Those sure were good pork chops, John. We'll have to do lunch again sometime! Now be honest with me, John...was that really bullshit you were feeding me the other day? Oh, you would never do such a thing! It was only brown bread in the shape of a cow pie...what a relief, John. You'd never shove bullshit down anybody's throat like I did? That's not nice to say, John. Not nice at all. I was just feedin' the flock, ha ha. Just feeding the dumb sheep.

"Did I tell you John, that I met Charles Dickens the other day? Yeah...he was really pissed off at me for what he referred to as the Tiny Tim fiasco. Brought all the folks together that he said died because of my doctrine against medical treatment. What a wimp! He even talked about my son Richard. You know, John, I didn't cause the car accident that Richard had. I didn't cause him to go into shock. And I didn't allow him to have the injection that the doctors in the emergency room said would bring him out of shock. I don't know where anyone got the idea that I had anything to with his death, John. It was the will of God. I just did not intervene in God's will, John. Oh, you heard about this from Pastor MaGee? What else did he tell you, John. John? Who's that with you now, John? I'll be a son of a bitc...........RICHARD! You won't let me shake your hand? But son, I'm your father!!!! How dare you call me such names. You are to HONOR your father and mother, Richard. HONOR!!!!! Whatda mean I haven't a clue what honor is? You ungrateful mouthy little son of a.....

"Oh who cares anyway. I'll just mosey on over to this little park and see what all the excitement is that's going on. Hum....that black guy looks familiar....oh, I recognize him now. It’s Martin Luther King, Jr., the civil rights guy. Wonder what he's up to...I'll see if I can get closer to him. I don't ever remember having my picture taken with him, but maybe I can weasel my way outta this mess if I kiss up to 'em. Oh! Listen to that! He's just had an audience with God and asked that his grandchildren be spared. From what I wonder. I can't hear him very well. He doesn't want Herbert W. Armstrong and Joe Tkach reincarnated as his twin granddaughters??? He's gotten a special dispensation from God for all the civil rights work he did on earth and his request has been granted. Well I guess that saves my ass too! I'll have to tell Joe when I see him. I don't think he was too enthusiastic about the idea either.

"Oh there's Joe....Oh Joe, did you hear the news? We aren't going to reincarnate as Martin Luther King Jr.'s twin granddaughters after all. God let us off the hook!!! The rest of the story? No Joe, I didn't hear the whole thing. What are you talking about? You've got to be kidding!!! Mike Tyson and who?

"I don't like this place, Joe!!! Who are those kids with you? They were in the Worldwide Church of God when I was still in charge? Hi girls, do you know who I am? I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, God's apostle and founder of His church! Stop that! Stop spitting on me! Where's the security guards? Get these little wenches offa me!!! Whatda ya mean they lost their lives because they couldn't have appendectomies? Died of burst appendixes? And you say it was my fault? Oh that one lost her hearing because of a mastoid infection that went untreated? Like I said, Joe, I had nothing to do with it. It was God's will!!! Those people didn't have enough faith that God was going to heal them and THAT'S WHY THEY DIED. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, JOE!!!! Joe? Where did you go?

"You think you're disgusted!!! I just come here, not even of my own free will, and all I get is flack! Flack! Flack, flack, flack. What a bunch of idiots, blaming me for all their problems. I don't get no respect. I don't even get to eat my pork chops when I call for room service, Trechak jumps the gun on me. I'm sick of this. I just want to go to the World Tomorrow and get the kingdom set up. I just want all my boys back workin' for me...

"No, I was just talking to myself! Who are you? Tiny Tim? Where's your ukulele, bub? heh heh heh. You look just as dumb in that long hair as you did on TV, Tim. How do you think God feels about that long hair, man? Don't you know God hates long hair? Who? Jesus Christ? Naw, his hair wasn't long, that was just a lie. Believe me, Tim. Oh you know for a fact that Jesus Christ had long hair? Still does, you say? Oh I can't win 'em all, Tim. Didn't mean to insult you, Tim. I should tiptoe through my own tulips and stay out of your garden? Whoops! I didn't realize I was stepping on your flowers. Whatda ya mean that at least your fans got what they bargained for and you never claimed to be song bird! NO! I AM NOT A BIRD OF PREY!!!! Whatda ya mean I ain't no bird-o-paradise? A VULTURE? Damn you, Tim. Just damn you. Stop laughing.

"I don't know what this place is coming to. I just walk around looking for headquarters and I meet up with the damdest people. All I've done is mind my own business and all I get is flack! Flack, flack, flack!!!! I hope they were kidding about having to be born again to Mike Tyson and some babe, that sounds like torture to me. Can't I at least be white. What about my autobiography? I'm descended from King David's seed. I'm heir to the royal family and the British branch of Israel. Doesn't anybody know who I am here? Oh, you do, huh John? Yeah, and you tattle on me at every turn! Oh you wouldn't do that if the truth was in me? John, you know damn well that I've always told the plain truth! John! Stop laughing. Get up, John! Tim gets mad when you flatten his flowers!! John! Quit rolling on the ground! Damn him!!! He'll get me in trouble all over again! I outa here...."

to be continued....

Chapter Five - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Well, well, well!!! Who do we have here!!!! My right hand man twice removed!!! If it isn't John! John Robinson!!! How the hell are you John? Haven't seen you since you left the nest!!! Aren't I meaning the web? Naw John, I mean God's church, the Worldwide Church of God! No, John, it isn't a tangled web. It’s the one and only true church on the face of earth! Whatda ya mean it'll get untangled on the worldwide web? I think you're nuts, John. It’s not the worldwide web, its the worldwide ch......oh you heard me the first time and I should listen to you? Ha ha John! Whatda you know that I could give a damn about??? I'm the apostle! God talks directly to me!!! I should have gotten an "Oscar"? How nice of you to think that highly of me, John! Because I put on a pretty good show? Fooled a lot of people into believing a tangled web of lies? Now, John, that isn't nice! You should respect your elders. That isn't nice to say, John. No, just because I'm older doesn't mean I'm wiser. But I'm a not a senile old fool! Whatda ya mean its better than being called a diabolical, evil, murdering, narcissistic, egotistical old fool!? Shut up, John. You're talking to ME. Remember WHO you are talking to!!! Whatda ya mean you know and you're not the senile one! Damn you, John.

"What are you doing here anyway, John? Give up selling books? Oh, you haven't given up selling books, you've passed the baton! I've heard that story before! Joe Tkach told everybody I was passing the baton to him and all he did was take over the position of God's apostle when I was too weak to stop him! The only thing I'd pass to him is gas.......Whatda ya mean I expelled enough hot air to pollute the whole planet? And that's why you wrote a best seller John? Delusional? Who me? John, if anybody is delusional it’s you. I'm the apostle here, not you and anytime I call on Jesus Christ, he's right here to.......see, John. Howdy Jesus Christ! Got new sandals? Those old ones look like something the cat dragged in, har har........Hey Jesus, this is my old friend, John Robinson from Tulsa. John, stop denying that we're friends! Whatda ya mean you thought you were in hell when you saw me? Whatda ya mean I preached a gospel contrary to Jesus Christ? Hey John.....Jesus.....where are you going without me? Damn it!!! Fair weather friends!!!

"Oh John Trechak....too many John's if you ask me......hi John. You're the best friend I've got here. Whatda ya mean I'm pretty hard up if that's the case! You're only hangin' around to write another issue of the Ambassador Report. Damn you, John! Stop Laughing!!!! Let’s go for breakfast...Whatda ya mean they're all out of pork chops and we'll have to eat pancakes? I've always dined 'high on the hog', John. Heh, heh!!! Whatda ya mean some hogs are pigs, John? Hey John, who's the pretty lady over there? The one with the big smile and sooooo tall? Diana? Princess Diana. Oh, John, she's my relation. Didn't you read my genealogy in my autobiography? I'm a descendant of King David who is the ancestor of the family on the British throne and I'm a thirty-second cousin thrice removed, John.....John........John! Get up off the ground and quit rolling around!!!! It isn't THAT funny. A lot of 'em believed me!!!! Oh, Jesus Christ!!! You again!!! You're the true descendant of King David? You think I'm full of what????? Oh, Jesus Christ! I never thought you'd say a thing like THAT!!!!

"Greetings to you in the name of Jesus Christ, Princess Diana. I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, founder of the Worldwide Church of God, and God's one and only apostle of the twentieth century. You won't shake my hand, young lady? Its been in places you wouldn't touch....clean up the mess I made?.....heir to the Devil's throne? I make Charles look like a saint? Chuck who, missy? What the dickens? You back again? Chuck? Whatda ya want with me? We're going were? You got permission from whom? Do a little past life review? Oh shit! Here we go again! Bye Diana. Look at that! She won't even wave. Didya see that, Chuck? She spit on the ground where I was standing. What a wench!

"Where are we, Chuck? Pasadena? Why do you want me to look at all these Christmas decorations? Whose house are we in? This is what year? When I was Pastor Christmas presents.....deprived children of their childhoods.....what's this?? A woman lying on a bed? Sick and won't go to a doctor because of my doctrines.......she's dead, Chuck? Those are her little children that are crying? I don't like it here, Chuck....lets get outa here.....where are we now? This place stinks, Chuck.....who are these old people sitting around in wheel chairs........why are they screeching and reaching for me, Chuck? They're the ones who I cheated out of their homes and they have to live in squalor? Why should I give a damn, Chuck. They're nothing but ignorant fools!!! I want to go home......who are these people in my home, Chuck??? They don't belong here! Where's my good China? My expensive crystal? My ......... God ........ Chuck ... .......everything's gone. And if I don't repent then I'll have to live where??? And never be with God? No joy? No love? Nothing but misery? I don't like it here, dammit Chuck!!!! Let me outa here!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh, we're back to this, are we, Chuck....Chuck? Where'd you go Chuck. Damn him. Gets me all worked up and then disappears like Hoodeeny! And howdy-ho to you too! Who are you? I called? Whatda ya mean I called? Said your name? Yeah, so what? That was a summons? Oh, I don't know the rules here? Better learn them or I'll end up with some weird visitors? Whatda ya mean by that? Trickster? Worked magic? Mind control is like magic? Can trip a trigger and somebody goes into trance? You want to learn how I did that? Who-deenie? I never did that....never told a bunch of lies. Never preached................oh, you know better because you heard of me a long time ago. Braggart? Arrogant? Self Centered? Mean? Don't you have anything nice to say to me? You don't? Then shut up!!! You want to put me in THAT THING and make me disappear? Where do I go if I disappear from here? Whatda ya mean, Born again? Damn it!!! Is that all anybody can ask me around here?

"Cheap tricks? So you think I took lessons from some magician you figure I did more than just Bible study in those six months in depth study I brag about.....most people spend not six months but six years or more in Bible study...and I thought I was an expert.......learned a bunch of crap and wove it together into a magic spell and hypnotized my audiences? Totalitarianism? Tyrant? Hitler buff? I studied Adolf Hitler, you say? You sure know how to say nasty things about an old man! I'm God's apostle and God gave me the instructions.......aren't buying it?......we have a visitor?.......called his name and he's here? Oh Shit! Greetings to you in the name of Jesus Christ, Adolph. How the hell are you? Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!!! Jesus Christ? Where the hell are you when I NEED YOU!???"

to be continued...


Chapter Six - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"I DEMAND you to come here this INSTANT!!! Jesus Christ!!!!! Come here!!! NOW!!!! What am I calling on him for? Scared of you? No Mr. Hitler, I'm one of your greatest all your stuff....Mein Kampf.....stole from you too? Naw...I just borrowed from you Adolf. I knew how well things worked for you. You sure got the people to ask 'how high' when you said 'jump'. Yeah, worked for me too. Some of 'em are still jumping around like a bunch of drunkard frogs...hop....hop....hop....heh...heh...OH? You were the master of harangue until I showed up? Sure works! Snapping those minds like tooth picks!!! Gotta know just how to push 'em to the edge and then WHAM!!! They're your pigeon! Will sit, stand, speak, shut up, and bend over whenever you say! Not to mention, send in their tithe money....first, second and third. What a bunch of damn fools! Can you believe it, how they slaved away to pay all that money to me? Ha ha, and what a life I had! The finest restaurants every day, any day!!! The mansions and furnishings from all over the world, and the jet at my beck and call. And the women, Adolf! The women!...well I've had the smorgasbord there too!!! And the young ' ain't tasted tender meat... Adolf until you've..........

"Pork chops....yeah......not until you've had the pork chops they serve here Adolf. Adolf, where are you? You've repented a little over the last fifty years and can't stomach listening to me brag? I don't believe you, Adolf. I don't believe God would ever forgive you. You mean even after the millions of people you destroyed, God will give you time to turn your life around? If you're absolutely sincerely sorry? God is not made in man's image, you say? Man is made in God's image, and he's thrown away the mold for you and me? At least you were crazy, what's my excuse? Yeah, sure, buddy. I'm not your buddy? Like you said, get lost?....go away....get a life.....God is in charge here and can do anything....even forgive somebody like me? But, I don't have anything to repent of, Adolf......I'm God's apostle.........

"Believing my own delusions? You again!!! Wake up and smell the coffee?....but Hew-deenie....I don't wanna....ha'll show me something? This autta be good. Why are we in front of this audience? Nice introduction, man, now you want me to hypnotize this crowd.....well all I know how to do is.....preach! Bore them to death? Then they'll stop listening and their sub-conscious minds will absorb everything...yeah....I know that....worked wonders on the dumb now what do ya want me to say? I should tell them I'm sorry for all the garbage I put in their subconscious minds? I should apologize for deliberately lying to them about scripture? I should tell them I twisted the scriptures to mean what I wanted them to mean? I should tell them that God gave them each a direct line of communication of their own and they don't need ANYBODY ELSE???? Do you think I'm a damn fool, Who-deenie? Tell them all that? Oh you do think I'm a damn fool. No? Oh....damned fool.

"So you want me to tell them that the Bible is a collection of writings put together at the council of Nicea by the Roman Catholic Church, that says what they wanted it to say? They were a bit like me in that endeavor? Oh, so God inspired them? Oh, God isn't taking all the blame for all that's been done in His name? A lot of people were killed back then too, for not agreeing with the choices of writings. Oriegen? Who was he? They killed him for writing heresy? And you're calling me a heretic? I bastardized religion? Made a bad name of it? Caused people to give up religion altogether? Is that bad? Oh, so you think I did something even worse? Tell me about it, Who-deenie!!! What did I do? I put myself in the place of God? I set myself up to be their authority, not God? They transferred their worship to me instead of God? So? What's your point, Who-deenie? Who-dunit? Ha ha ha.....pretty clever wouldn't you say? An imposter? Screwed up a lot of people? Some of them went crazy because they really love God and tried to obey me instead? And you're holding me responsible for that, man? The devil made me do it....ha ha ha..........

"Oh shit! I didn't mean to page him.....I hope he doesn't show up now like the rest of them do! I still haven't found headquarters. I guess I'll have to mosey on down this road....I'm off to see the wizard....the wonderful wizard of Oz.... blah... blah.... blah..... follow the yellow brick road......howdy....howdy....howdy....skip to maloo.... sure run into enough idiots around here......'when all I want is a party doll'....'ta be ever lovin' true and run her fingers through my hair....comalong and be my party doll...I wanna make love to you....I wanna make love to you'.....Loma! What the hell are you doing? Evesdropping on me again, daughter of EVE! EVEsdropping? I don't wanna make love to you, you old bag, you old fridgid bag of bones. Righteous woman? God fearing? The best thing I ever had that I didn't appreciate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Women are only good for one thing and that's to......cook.......and clean.......and take care of a man's needs.....And YOU wanted more!!! I shouldn't have let Richard die? And I should have helped you get your bowel obstruction removed? A simple operation? You're glad you died? Sick of living with me? I was the husband from hell??? Made 'Hagar the Horrible' look like a saint? Who's Hagar? I don't wanna know....he's probably some wimp that walks around in sandals like that goofy Jesus Christ. Nag...nag....nag...

"Oh dammit, I did it again! Well hello there, Jesus Christ! You old son-of-a-gun! What are you up to today? Getting ready to show me some plain truth? Oh, I saw plenty of that on earth? Delusional? Printed bullshit? Now I get the real stuff? You're taking me to where? What the hell do I want to go into the mother's room for? That's just for women with scrawling brats! You want me to see how badly I treated them? Put them down for everything? Made life hell for them? Took away their strollers because I wanted to make it harder and harder for them to attend church so I could scorn them? So I could shame them? So I could make having babies seem like a bad thing? So, Jesus Christ, what's your point? So I put some shit on them. So what? So I said mother love was a selfish what!? So I made them out to be bad because they bonded with their babies? So? So what's your point, Jesus Christ? Jesus.......where'd you go?

"Hopeless? You say I'm hopeless? Shit. Who gives a damn!"

to be continued…

 Chapter Seven - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Hopeless! How dare him say I'm hopeless! I know what hopeless is...its people like the dumb sheep. I got them to pay and and and pray...all the while I went to the bank and stashed their money. Ha ha ha ha ha.....Who are you? Do I know you? You look like a wacko!! You're from Waco? Oh, from near Big Sandy, Texas where I had one of the Ambassador College campuses. So what are you doing here? Took your followers to the promised land? Yeah? Ha ha ha ha....So your name is David? Yeah, I'm from the seed of David myself. Koresh? Oh, never heard of you! Branch Davidians? Oh, well I'm from the 'branch Herbertians', ha ha ha ha ha! So what's a Branch Davidian? Oh, used to be part of the Seventh Day Adventists. Whatda ya know David! The Worldwide Church of God was a branch off the Seventh Days too. In the old days I called my church the Radio Church of God after I left the Seventh Dayers back in Oregon. Control freaks!!!...the whole lot of them. All they wanted to do was tell me what to preach! Had to control everything! No room for creativity! So David, how come you're here? Oh, the government came after you and your group? They stopped you dead in your tracks? Your place burned to the ground at Waco? All the members too? Wow, I guess you did lead them to the promised land, David! So what are you doing here? Anybody take you around and show you the place? Ever try their pork chops? Hey David.........David...........I didn't mean to insult him. What a jerk. Hey David......where ever you are! Don't knock 'em 'till you've tried 'em......heh heh heh....

"What a loser! I never saw the likes of him before. Almost like that bunch down in Guyana and Jim Jones! Oh I did it again. Hello, I'm Herbert W. Armstrong...and who are you? Jones? Jim Jones? You brought your group here too? You took your people to their place of safety in Guyana and ended up killing them off? Not bragging about it? Sure I had a place of safety all lined up for my followers too. Petra in Jordan. Yeah, that's the desert. Sure they would have followed me there. They would have gone anywhere I told them to go and done anything I told them to do. Just like your followers, Jim. Except I made sure I had them tithe, didn't force them to live with me. Hell, who'd what a bunch of losers for company!!!! I had world leaders eating out of my hands! Didn't you ever see my pictures with them? Never saw my magazines, the 'Plain Truth' and my 'World Tomorrow' program on TV? Oh you did see them? Full of shit? Jim! How can you say that about me? I preached the same stuff you did! And I did it long before you did and had a lot more people believing me than you did! How can you say I was full of shit? Oh because now you know that you were full of shit too. Oh. I see. They've gotten to you here too, huh Jim? Jim....where the hell did he go? Can't stand to see how I was more successful than he was! What a creep!!!

"Speaking of comes that damn Joe Tkach again. And he's still crying. Hey Joe, what are you blubbering about this time? You're feeling bad because you can't find your black Cadillac? Well, well, well, things aren't going so good for you here? They were until I reminded you that I am the apostle now, and you're back to being an evangelist? Oh I demoted you to pastor? Heh heh heh, and your flock ran off somewhere and you can't find 'em. I'll just have to call you 'little Joe Peep' then won't I Joe....Joe? Hey Joe, can't you even take a joke?

"It sure is a strange place here. Run into all these weirdoes and has-beens and here I am still an apostle. I can't imagine how they can all be so wimpy. I built an empire right out of nothing and made an impact like few others ever did in their short life time. I built the Ambassador Auditorium in Pasadena and the campus, and look at all the good things I did with my life. I had a lot of fun. Whatda ya mean at other people's expense? Who are you? What do you mean I'm an imposter? That I claimed to be what! Oh, so you're the real Elijah? And when you go back to earth everybody will know who you are and you’ll clear up any of the damage I did to your reputation! Yeah, yeah, what! Dammit! Can't get away with anything!

"I still can't find headquarters. I'll have to try this road and see where it leads me....I hope I don't run into any more kooks! I can hardly stand these ultra-humble characters. Elijah. Ha. Next thing you know I'll have John the Baptist on my case! Oh, I better look out or he'll show up! If I keep my mouth shut I won't get into trouble? Oh, its you Trechak! I might have known I couldn't have a day without you coming around to harass me and make my life miserable. Oh, so think it’s about time that I have to look at the reality of what I've done and make amends? So which rock you been hidin' under John? You just got here and you're trying to tell me how things are to be? Better get wiser young man. I've got a lot more experience than you....and you know it. Yeah, John...I know you know just about everything about me because you've been researching me for years....Get a life, John. Don't you have anything better to do than follow me around? You saw me talking to several different people today? Oh, so now you're going to write about me in that damn paper of yours? No? You quit publishing it? Oh yeah, I forgot John. You're here on this side now. You're going to start a new publication called the 'REAL Plain Truth'. Dammit John, do something original at least!

"So you think I've got some amends to make, huh John? Just what do you mean, repent? Don't you know that I have nothing to repent of, John? I even talked with Jesus Christ and he seems to think this is not possible. Hopeless is the word he used, John. A hopeless case. He said that I got caught up in my own lies and that I am delusional, believing some of them myself. So what amends could I possibly make? It was God's will, John. I swear it. Everything I ever did, was God's will. What'da ya mean I'm not God and that it was Herbert W. Armstrong's will not God's. And what makes you think I'll ever tell you what the "W" stands for in my name. Herbert Will Armstrong.....Herbert Won't Armstrong.....hey John......this is fun. I can be anybody I want to be and nobody can tell me what to do. Shut up? What makes you think you can tell me to shut up, John? You just did it because you wanted to? You've wanted to say that to me for a long time, John? There's a lot more you want to say to me but you're not that profane? Just shut up, John. You're not taking orders any more? I'm just a fat old fart? Stop laughing, John. I'm not that fat. I'm not that old either......I stink? This conversation is going nowhere, John."

to be continued…

 Chapter Eight - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"This place is really bugging me! Nobody knows WHO I AM! I have to tell them over and over again. It’s really a damn shame. I come here to set up God's kingdom and nobody gives a damn. Jesus Christ! What a job. I don't know where to start. What an enormous task! I've got so much work to do and have to start from scratch. Sound like I'm on my pity pot? Says who? Oh, its you again, Jesus Christ. I'm no martyr? And you are? Never meant to be, you say? It was just a set-up? The Romans needed a martyr so they crucified you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't you think I had to READ the Bible in order to preach all those years!!!! So tell me something I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I should've read the ancient texts from the far east? There's stories in there that really had some SHOCK VALUE? Like what, Jesus Christ??? Like what? Don't you think I told enough BIG ONES??? You wish I could have read Professor Hassnain's *book, about his search for the historical Jesus and I'd know what you mean? He wrote the real plain truth? He was a REAL scholar who searched for years, not an in-depth six month study of only ONE book? He searched all across the lands of Persia, Afghanistan, Central Asia and India? Found documented proof you traveled those places and they're recorded in the ancient texts? So when did you have time for that? You mean that even the rest of the Christians got their information screwed up long before I came along!!!?

"THE HELL YOU SAY!!!! THE HELL YOU SAY!!!! You mean to tell me you weren't even a Christian? You were a Jew!!! Oh Yeah! Well, I never thought of it THAT WAY!!!! You tellin' me you were trained by yogi's in the east? Learned how to shut down your body's functions to almost nothing? Coulda fooled lotsa people...Glad you had a good buddy, Joseph of Arimathaea from your Essene brotherhood....Are you telling me that the Romans made a martyr out of you so they could convert a bunch of people into their ways, NOT your ways? Now I'm confused. An old trick of martyrs and saviors? Like Hoodeeny? Magic tricks? Convince them they need to be saved and then provide a savior? The Romans made you into their scapegoat? Tricked the people into believing they needed your blood sacrifice to be I AM confused, Jesus Christ!

"So I shudda been the martyr except that Joe Tkach started rewriting my masterpiece, 'Mystery of the Ages', right after I came here, and he started messing with my doctrines. Instead of holding to my teachings he got rid of them like so much garbage and started preaching watered down swill. Yeah I guess some believers hung on to my stuff. Rod, Gerald, Bill....and where did it get them....yeah, you guessed....disfellowshipped and marked. Sometimes my own rules backfired on those who were relatively true to my doctrines. Oh well, Jesus Christ, I guess we both got our stuff messed with after our exit. Oh, the HELL you say!!! More to your story than what the Bible says? A prolonged stay? Can't believe a book that's been tampered with? Almost as fictional as my autobiography? I should read the Dead Sea Scrolls and Nag Hammadi Library? An in depth study--HERE? In the hall of records and knowledge? Is that near headquarters? Not the HEADQUARTERS I'm looking for? And it’s not all about ME! Says who? Oh, you! Well, well, well, you keep stealing my thunder Jesus Christ, so I need to relate it to my own dilemma. Pity pot? What the hell is a pity pot?

"So you're telling me that you went to earth to teach unconditional love? And that God is love. Am I supposed to know what that means? So what that I told the people that they had to EARN their salvation with WORKS...yeah, so what? Beats the hell outa them thinking they had it made in the shade and didn't have to tithe to get into the kingdom. Then what the hell would I do to buy jet fuel? Work? Not a chance!!! Shoulda taught them to love themselves? You have to be kidding! That bunch of losers!!!! Not even MOTHER'S LOVE could stomach the dumb sheep! Bah...bah...bah...bah

"Whatda ya mean I don't listen? I listen plenty!!! I just don't like what I hear! Claimed the plain truth and preached the plain crap? Jesus. For shame! Coming out of your mouth!!! Better than living in delusion? You know, Jesus Christ, you weren't the focus of attention in MY CHURCH!!! I put you up on a pedestal as God number two, but then ignored you completely! And as for the Holy Spirit, that son-of-a-gun was no more than an 'it'. I can't help but laugh when I remember how I made everybody cross out 'he' and 'him' in their Bibles and write in 'it'!! And the idiots did it! What the hell do you mean I don't have a clue about the Holy Spirit? Boo boo to you too Holy GHOST!!!! Boo, did I scare you? Ha ha ha ha ha

"You're not laughing? I robbed people of their Holy Spirit? The unpardonable sin? Blaspheme of the Holy Spirit.....yeah, yeah, yeah...I know all that....remember I wrote the BOOKLETS. Whatda ya mean those goddam booklets? Jesus Christ! How can you talk that way? Don't you know that God can hear you and.....Shut up? How dare you tell me to shut up! Duck tape? I don't believe you!!! Mmmm Org mumpf asfmmm....

"THAT WASN'T FUNNY!!!! Made me listen to your damn sermon for two hours! How do you expect me to listen that long? Oh, because I made my followers listen to all those boring sermons. This is only the first of how many HUNDRES OF HOURS I'll have to listen to? So God's time isn't measured like earth time? A day is as a thousand years? So how many hours is that, Jesus? How many?

"And whatda ya mean everybody's got the Holy Spirit? Without my permission!? Whatda ya mean that being true to the Holy Spirit means being true to self? Whatda ya mean that blaspheme of the Holy Spirit is self-betrayal? What a bunch of bullshit, Jesus Christ, are you a heretic too? Oh! According to the church you would be? Humm...interesting...”

*"A Search for the Historical Jesus" by Professor Fida M. Hassnain, Down to Earth Books, available at:

to be continued...  

Chapter Nine - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"What is the Unpardonable sin? You asking me, Jesus Christ? I'm sure you're going to tell me now that you've got me as your captive audience. Just desserts? Collectively speaking, if I have to pay my karmic debt I'll be sitting here listening to you longer than YOU could stand being with me? More than one millennium would pass? I'd better listen the first time? You gonna fill me with that spiritual crap now? Shut up? You certainly don't show any respect to God's apostle, Jesus Christ. Duck tape? No, no. I'll shut up and listen.

"We are more than just personalities living on earth, you say? We're sojourners and come from the spirit world where our roots run deeper than our physical ones...ya mean being the seed of David is not big deal? It was for you in your incarnation, but I was a weed seed? Not nice to say, Jesus Christ. Not nice at all. Shut up so you can go have some pork chops for lunch? You too, huh? You buying?

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're the children of God. I preached that myself!! But there's more to it than that? The core of our being is the holy spirit inside us? That life force is a spark of life like a chip off the old great spirit, God? No. I never heard any such thing before. Must be some New Age jargon! Yeah I saw it in the Bible but I didn't preach that God is within. So what you're telling me is that the dumb sheep didn't need me to tell them anything because they have God's spirit inside of them and that's what the Bible meant when it said that the 'kingdom of God is within'? So God speaks to everyone? So explain that one, Jesus Christ! I can hardly wait! That should be a good one. And you think I told whoppers!!! Whatda ya mean we're made in his image and if God is love then we're made by and in the image of love? Talk ENGLISH man! Talk English! I haven't got a clue what you're saying.

"The Bible's all fiction!!! You said it was full of fiction!!! Oh, now you tell me that some of it was true, just like in my autobiography. And both were deliberate attempts to slant the truth!!! Sure, Jesus Christ. Anything you say, Jesus Christ. Now can we go have those pork chops? I'm starved!!!

"So you have to throw it up in my face that the dumb sheep were STARVED to learn about God and all I fed them was bullshit! They were STARVED for truth and all I gave them was a little tin god, an arrogant runt of a man? Now you're insulting me!!! I wasn't THAT small!!! My image was bigger than life, but the plain truth was that I was like an inflated balloon? All hot air? And you, Jesus Christ, are the expert, of course! Just rub it in! Just keep pulling down my self esteem? I wrote the book on that too? Aw shit.

"So whatda ya want me to do about it? Put on a furry red suit and pass out packages to the grubby little monsters clamoring for presents? So, you think I look more like Scrooge McDuck playing in his money bins? A similar personality? A similar life's goal? Sound like him too? Quack! Whatda ya mean quack?

"No respect. I don't get no respect! This place is disgusting!! I'd rather be anyplace but here! Oh Jesus Christ!!! Now where the hell am I? I said it? Hell? I created my own? A state of being? Can't see the light? Darkness can't perceive the light? Who turned out the lights? Where in the devil am I? You've been waiting for me? Oh oh.....

"Whatda ya mean, even THAT was bullshit? No lake of fire? Are my toes hot yet? Stop harassing me! Whatda ya mean I could dish it out but can't even take a joke!? There really is no lake of fire? Wouldn't make any sense to have a place to burn things up when nothing of spirit can be destroyed? So you're telling me that the burning hellfire is the anguish of the spirit? That the agonizing truth can be very painful? And sometimes we live in delusion and denial and have to repeat our lessons until we get it? Get what? I don't get it? And who are you? Can't see a damn thing in here!!!

"You again!!!! John Trechak! Thank God its you! For a minute there I thought I was in hell and you were the devil. You're not, are you John? Stop laughing!!!! If I didn't believe my own lies I wouldn't be in the dark? Now you've got me confused, John. There is a dimensional plane where the evil sons of Belial exist in their vileness? No turning back? Only those with no hope go there? You mean I have a chance to turn things around, John? You'd never believe the things I've learned since I've been here! Completely contrary to everything I ever thought was true. Like a revelation? Yeah, John. Some of the stuff people have told me just never occurred to me. I shudda studied more than just ONE book. Who's Belial, John? Read more books, John?

"Oh, of course I remember I told the dumb sheep that secular knowledge was not true because it wasn’t God's truth. Yeah, I guess I did forbid them to seek out information because I told them that God worked only through me. If I hadn't written it, then it wasn't inspired by God because I'm his apostle...There I go again? Where to this time, John? I just don't get it.

"Come on, John, lets go eat. You're sicka pork chops? Want some shrimp? No, you've been hanging around shrimps and all they do is whine? Sure John, we'll have a hearty steak if you wish! Steak and wine! Went right over my head? Because it's so close to the ground? Now you're hitting below the belt, John. You wouldn't go there? Where wouldn't you go, John? John? Now where the hell did he go? Said he couldn't stomach me anymore. Like I want to associate with expo-saint! Saint JohnTrechak, the expo-saint. Kinda has a ring to it. I'll have to remember that the next time I see him.

"You again? Jesus Christ!! Taking a group for another training session? You want me to hurry up and follow you? Follow you, Jesus? Ha! Like the Pied Piper? Just follow you around like a blind fool? I am a blind fool? That's not nice. Not nice at all to call your apostle a blind fool. The plain truth is the plain truth? Sure, Jesus Christ, whatever you say. Please, no more duck tape! Yeah, it’s a deal!! If I couldn't talk I'd explode, especially here in this strange place. I can't think of anything worse than duck tape....Oh? You have plenty of things that are worse, like fasting? I made my followers fast and pray? How many days do I have to fast? Oh shit! I should have settled for duck tape.”

to be continued.....

 Chapter 10 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side"  (c) 1999

"Constipation of the brain, diarrhea of the mouth, he said. What an e-val by the great Jesus Christ himself! Said he never wrote a word himself, but is quoted and misquoted all over the place, and that I did my own running amuck from the mouth and the written word! That I deserve all the bad press because I claimed truth and had none of it! At least he was kidding me about the forty days and forty nights of fasting! Don't think I could have stood it that long! It’s no fun to be hungry and thirsty. I still don't like it here any better than I did before.

"I wonder what all that commotion is over there. Guess I'll have to go ask somebody. Hey Joe Tkach, what's up? Do I hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth? Yeah, so who's bellyaching now? Where's that coming from? Oh, the other side? The hell you say!!! So who's the dumb sheep that's praying now? Mike Tyson? He's repented of all his sins and promises he'll never bite anybody again if only his children won't be like him? So you think we're off the hook again, Joe? Think God will spare us from being born black? You know being a descendant of the seed of David insures a pure race, Joe. Lets us pray that we ...Joe? Mike is thanking God? Was really worried? Off the hook? Pretty good deal he cut, huh? Hey Joe, where'd you go? He's got other plans for us? Wants to see me about "Pagan Holidays or God's Holy Days"? Where'd he get the idea I'd look good in red? No Joe! I'm not riding in a sleigh with flying reindeer! Think I'm nuts? Joe? Joe? Oh dammit, Joe. Get up off the ground! Only Trechak rolls around in the tulips! You were only kidding? Not funny, Joe. Not funny at all. Stop laughing!!!!

"Black, white, red, yellow, brown....all the same? Color isn't important? We're all the same color inside? What color is spirit, Jesus Christ? Since you've horned in on Joe and me thought I'd pick your brain! Not a matter of color? Skin isn't important but our spirit is? More jargon, Jesus Christ! Just a bunch of religious jargon!!!! Universal truths, not religion. What the hell are you talking about? Universal truths? So name one. I wouldn't understand yet? And why not? Don't you know I'm God's apostle and came here to set up his kingdom? Delusional? A nice word for being full of shit? Gotta start over back in the basics before I can go on to meatier things like universal laws? Still suckin' the bottle? Hardly contain milk? Oh that Diarrhea business again!!!! That's what I told the dumb sheep and now I'm one! How dare you, Jesus Christ, compare me to my lowly followers! Whatda ya mean I ain't no 'good shepherd'! And you think you are, Jesus Christ?

"I was given the ten commandments and couldn't even keep them? Yeah, so what? Does anybody keep them? Oh, they do? Learn something every day? So tell me another of these so-called 'truths'!! God? Just one God? Not two? So Christians aren't supposed to put you on the pedestal, Jesus Christ, just God the Creator? Oh, I see. Hum. So tell me more! You already did when you told me about the spark of God dwelling within each human being. OH! Yeah! I didn't know that was THAT important! Everyone has the God-given right to truth? That's one of the universal laws? Oh. And I screwed up their ability to seek truth by turning them outside instead of in? Huh? Say that again!!!

"Oh, you're telling me that everyone has access to the truth inside themself? Since everyone is created from a spark of God, God's truth dwells within them? Interesting concept. Sure wouldn't bring in any tithe money though if they thought they didn't need me to preach to 'em! Doesn't pay to even try to educate me? Dense? Dunce! Try to steal everyone's crown! Yeah! I used to warn 'em. "Don't let anyone steal your crown" and it was so funny to hear them mimic me! All the while I was 'stealing their crown'? Yeah, guess I was, old buddy, old pal, Jesus Christ! Not your buddy? Not your pal? You'd like to crown me? The old fashioned way? Throw the book at me? Not a nice attitude, Jesus. Not a nice attitude at all towards God's apostle!!!

"I shoulda told them about their Chakras? That their crown was their crown chakra? And miss all the fun of watching them squirm? They would have thought they walked around with antennas coming out of their heads if I'd told them that! Would have been more accurate than what I told them? Some good things were revealed in eastern religions and not in Christianity? A whole bunch of chakras throughout the body? Normal body parts? Nothing exotic about them? Functional energy centers? Lots of good books on the subject. Oh yeah, I only read ONE BOOK. Back to the library?

"You'd tell me more of the universal truths if I wasn't such an idiot? How dare you? I'm living proof? Life after death, not soul sleep? Oh I figured THAT out already! I wonder if the rest of the flock is sleeping someplace or running around looking for headquarters like I am.....You mean then that I was wrong about all those resurrections? So now I have to rethink all that I preached? Really are many dimensions of existence, not just one or two? So I wasn't dreaming after all? That's like another dimension? Oh? Just another reality? So the physical life is like a dream? Nightmare sometimes!!!! And THIS IS REALITY???? Oh SHIT! I miss my jet!!!!

"I'm no better than anybody else? We were all created equal? I don't deserve to have a jet paid for by so many poor people. I'll have to learn to travel more modestly? Like walk? Power of thought? What's that? Like when I say somebody's name and they are right here? I was beginning to notice that myself. About time I lifted out of the dense fog? I've heard enough for awhile or I'll explode!!!! Of course I remember the verse about the old wine skins! Can't put new wine into an old wine skin or it will burst!? So what's your point, Jesus Christ? Why are you pulling your hair out? What do you mean frustrated? You think you're frustrated!!! Just look at me standing here, hungry and tired, and you're telling me all this stuff I don't understand and don't give a damn about! Oh, I'd better give a damn if I don't want to cross over to that other side? You mean with what's-his-name, not to mention names of course! I learned that much already since I got here! Tomorrow's another day? You'll try again when you have regained your composure? I'm a hard nut to crack? No respect, Jesus Christ! God's apostle gets no respect....”

to be continued......

 Chapter 11 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Whatda ya mean its time to go to headquarters? Who says? Who do you think YOU are giving ME orders? Oh, its you, Jesus Christ! You plan on taking me somewhere, huh? Oh, I am to see some of God's real government in action? And just what do you mean by that? Oh, there is a hierarchy of spirits in charge? One of the laws you were telling me about, huh. So I suppose they are ready for me to set up the kingdom now. So let’s get going. Oh, it has nothing to do with setting up the kingdom? There is already a kingdom established? God has had HIS kingdom functioning since long before I even mislead thousands of people down the path of lies? Whatda ya mean mislead? Let God be the judge of that? You saying that I'm no more than an minor tyrant compared to the powerful spirits I'm about to meet. Do I get to take a lawyer with me? Whatda ya mean I don't have a case! Whatda ya mean things here are handled with complete knowledge of all the misdeed that have been done to everyone involved! There IS NO ESCAPE?????

"Enough! I tell you, ENOUGH!!!! I can't TAKE anymore! Stop parading all these children in front of me who claim I stole their childhood, caused their parents to be mean abusive tyrants!!! Stop them! I can't listen to their sniffling any more! I have NO CHOICE? Since I forced them to spend their childhoods listening to me and my ministers drone on and on and deprive them of friendships, loving relationships with their parents and in many cases downright abuse, including sexual and physical abuse, not to even mention emotional and spiritual, I have to endure this and face every single one of them? Every jot and tittle of abuse that was caused on account of my doctrines has to be accounted for, brought to the LIGHT and EXPOSED to the entire world!!!!???? Each and every infraction of God's law of love? What the hell is God's law of love?

"I should know? Unconditional love of God is what the law of cause and effect is about? I should have known that since I preached it over fifty years? An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth? I have to suffer the pain of each and every one of my victims in order for me to balance my karma? And just what do you mean I'll have plenty of time to repent because I have eternal life to do it in? Its either God's way or I can go for a one way ticket to Belial? And from there--there really is no turning back? A generous offer you say? Considering how hideously destructive my doctrines were and the severe damage it did, especially to the children forced to grow up in the Worldwide Church of God under my UNGODLY laws?

"So you're really going to SOCK IT TO ME aren't you Jesus Christ!!! Oh, you're copping out now and saying you're 'just the messenger'......ha ha ha ha....where have I heard that before. Damn ministers used to blubber to me all the time....'I'm just the messenger', please don't put me out of the church for reporting to you..blah....blah....blah... And now you're pulling the same crap!!! Its not crap? It’s the WAY IT IS here and I've been given my choices? Do I want to meet with Belial and see how I'd like it in HIS kingdom? Sure.

"Greetings to you in the name of....well...uh...I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, founder and Pastor General of God's one true church on the planet earth, and God's one and only twentieth century apostle! Whatda ya mean what about Joe Tkach? The hell with him, he was only at MY post by default! Anyway, I'm glad to meet you and your....... Who the hell are they? All those dense, dark, vile looking............. Your government officials? Oh? I can join them if I want to serve UNDER THEIR AUTHORITY? I wouldn't have ANY say? I'm NOBODY here? Laughing stock? Entertainment?? They thrive on jackasses like me to entertain them and cater to THEIR whims? They'd enjoy playing with me, especially cat and mouse! I get to be MOUSE? Mental anguish and torture for what I've done? No means to repent and change here? Will eternally reject God and live in complete DARKNESS? Would I like to stay? ......................Oh God!

"Since I called on God there is still a shred of hope for me because I recognize God exists? I have HIS ETERNAL LOVE FOR ME to thank for my opportunity at FREE WILL? It’s my choice? I can go either way but cannot STAY undecided?? Well, I guess you can bring me the next bunch of losers that I messed up. I don't like Belial and his gang of henchmen. Reminds me of Rod and a few others I trained so well to be like me. This ain't gonna be easy. I've been this way for a long, long time. Oh you KNOW THAT already and are sick of my whining! Ain't seen nothin' yet?

"Who are these gaunt women staring at me? They look like SCARECROWS!!! They're like that because I wouldn't let them wear make up? Who said that? Oh, it’s you John! Trechak, don't you have anything better to do than to interfere in MY repentance? No? Getting your jollies? Makes YOUR life of sacrifice worth your while?? Hey, Jesus, bring the BABES on again....Trechak was buggin' me....

"They are to be treated with RESPECT? Can't address them as BABES? They are misguided women who were unfortunate enough to get tangled up in my web of lies and lived with tyrant husbands who were trained to be brutes by ME and MY ministers? Brow beaten, SUBMISSIVE WOMEN who were destroyed emotionally and spiritually because they believe they had to, to please God, huh? Wasn't God's way--but was Herbert Armstrong’s way! Some of them died of diseases like cancer? Could have been treated and eradicated by doctors but because of my doctrines wouldn't go for medical help...Yeah, yeah, yeah... So tell me something I don't know!!! It was God's will!!!!

"It WASN'T God's will??? I'm not convinced? God allowed those men and women of the medical profession to administer to his children ........ ALL HIS CHILDREN. It was a BLESSING God gave to HIS CHILDREN to have the medicines the earth could provide through drug therapies and treatments??? It was MY WILL and DOMINANCE that required them to SUFFER and DIE NEEDLESSLY!??? Laying it on me pretty heavy there, don't you think? Jesus? Why are you crying? Because you're so angry you'd like to do WHAT to me? Pulverize? Anger is a SIN!!!! Get your hands off my THROAT!!!!

"We are all created in the likeness and IMAGE of God? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all that! After all, I preached the GOSPEL all my life...blah...blah...blah.... You're telling me that since we are created in God's image that GOD GETS ANGRY so therefore there is such a thing as GODLY anger? Oh.

"He's being 'Godly' angry...I'd better keep my mouth shut .... this once.”

to be continued...


 Chapter 12 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Finally got a break from all those people staring at me with empty eyes. Haunts me!!!! I MUST find some alcohol to dull the feelings. I HATE feeling ANYTHING for ANYONE except ME, of course! Disgusting! Pitiful wretches!!! Where's the bar? Hey you over there, where's the nearest bar? Have to have an I.D. card to qualify for alcoholic beverages here? Haven't been in REFORM long enough? Would abuse the privilege? Would use it to dull the impact of my misdeeds of the past?!!! No Shit! That's why I want to drink!!

"I'm NOT pouting!!!! DENIAL? Dammit! Everybody's judging me! Can't have no fun at all. All I get is my nose rubbed in shit. Shit, shit, shit, that's all I have here. I'm reaping what I have sown? SHUT UP YOU MORON!!!! Who the hell are you anyway? Wearing your Halloween costume, I see? What big EYES you have!!! That ain't no costume? So you telling me I'm seeing aliens from outer space? You've got a bone to pick with me too? Called all alien life forms demons? NOT demons? Children of God from other worlds? Worlds who never heard of Herbert W. Armstrong and are mighty grateful for it, now that you MEET me? You've been trying to help the earthlings for a long time because of their ignorance due to people like ME? Kept in ignorance by government and church leaders? Dark ages? Never read Ezekiel with the same zest as the REST of Old Testament? Would have had to explain CHARIOTS? Eric von Daniken didn't write fiction!? Exposed truth? Caused people to think?

"Shit. I must be dreaming and having another nightmare! Now I'm seeing aliens and worse than that......talking with them. I preached and preached that all things of a spiritual nature and all things like UFOs were demons. It was easier to have them all believe that, than to explain all the strange stuff that goes on in the world. Like ESP....called it influence by Satan. Now that goofy clown told me its one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Bah Humbug!!! If I'd have let 'em believe that these were gifts of God, then I couldn't claim their inner voice was of Satan the devil. So now they're ON to me and I see I have to deal with all these spirits and aliens.....Shit. I can't fool anybody here. They've got the truth. The plain and simple truth. Not the perverted bullshit I preached. But of course, I'll never admit to that to anyone. This is only my personal thinking. At least no one can read my thoughts.

"Whatda ya mean telepathic? Not one single thought goes uncensored here? Jesus Christ! Here you are again, freaking me out! You're kidding, of course! You're NOT KIDDING!!!!? How the hell can I exist with everyone knowing my THOUGHTS? Should have seen that in the Bible too? Wasn't all fiction. Some important truths recorded for posterity..... Especially since I ignored the GOOD STUFF? Whatda ya mean I zeroed in on all the negative crap I could find and then twisted it on top of that for my own purposes? Especially the SUBMISSION OF WOMEN!!! So? They are inferior!!! Made in the image of EVE. MOTHER EVE!!! Punished eternally for causing ADAM to sin!

"I've got a lot to learn about THAT too? Not ready to hear about the beginnings of the FIVE root races of mankind including WOMANKIND! Advanced knowledge? I'm still in diapers?? Haven't been weaned from the tit yet? Drink more milk? Got MILK? I'm thirsty. Can't get a beer or whiskey, so Got milk? NO! I'm NOT kidding. So Jesus Christ, tell me about the five root races! This autta be good! So this planet has been here more than six thousand years? The hell you say!!! Billions and billions???? Meet Carl Sagan sometime because now he's here too? He's on a much higher plane than me? Got a better track record than me? Would I believe it if you told me that the five races came here in separate pairs, not all out of 'Adam and Eve' as I taught my followers? And they were five different races? All equal in the eyes of God? Seeded by aliens from outer space I suppose you're going to tell me next!! I can't stand it!!! I just can't stand it!!! I've got to have some whiskey!!!! I can't stand to hear all this bullshit!!! What do you mean I wouldn't recognize the truth if it hit me in the face because I've lived with so much nonsense!!!?????

"Whatda ya mean I figured something out all by myself!!!??? Jesus Christ! Are you telling me that that guy in the Halloween costume wasn't really wearing a costume? Are you telling me that there are all kinds of God's children throughout the universe and that earth is just one of the planets that is inhabited? Some of my book, 'Mystery of the Ages', wasn't as fictional as I thought it was? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? Oh that I alluded to God's unlimited ability to create wonders we did not understand? Oh.

"Could have understood more if the piles of bullshit had not been laid on so thick! Not just my WORK but many other half-cocked religious nuts? Truth is coming to light now because it’s the end of the patriarchal era? Don't tell me WOMEN are going to take over the world? Oh, they're not. Their reign was destroyed in order for the men to have their reign? Witch hunts? Inquisition? Whole villages purged of women accused of witchcraft when all they were doing was healing with herbs, oils and spices..... What do you mean, like I condemned doctors and forbade people to seek medical treatment..... Now it’s time for the insanity to end? But it just started here, Jesus Christ! It’s just started. I have to face all the crap from my eighty plus years of abusing God's people. Now I'm 'gettin' it' ???????

"Shoulda read more than just the Bible? Some secular history books record events on planet earth...especially recent publications like that one about *'the dark side of Christian history'? Took a woman to write about it? Not a good track record? There've been many genocides in the name of God? Not just Hitler and the Jews, but throughout the world from time long since forgotten? The inquisition, the invasion of the continents of the Americas and the killing of the indigenous people, the so-called 'Indians'. On and on it goes. The list is endless? Not just the Irish Catholics and Protestants, but scores of battles fought needlessly. Humans just don't know any better than to stop fighting? God will put an end to it? Reveal the truth? We're entering the fifth age? Sorta like the world tomorrow coming, but NOT. Can't go on like this? Changes coming? Surprises that will upset the world as we know it, but not destroy it?

"Should read the prophecy of the White Buffalo Woman? A sign of the times? Other prophecies really did come true, unlike mine? There was a white buffalo calf born on August 20, 1994 in Janesville, Wisconsin just as the prophecy said would happen?...Check it out you say? It was born white, and turned red, brown and yellow, and when it turns white again it will already be a time of world peace? Each color of the buffalo indicates one of the four ages of mankind and we're just completing the fourth? The prophecy also said that three days after this buffalo calf was born its father would die signaling the death of the patriarchy... And you say he did die? And if YOU believe THAT Jesus Christ, I have a bridge to sell you!! I don't own any bridges to sell anyone? Burned all of mine? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah....take me so damn serious all the time!”

*"The Dark Side of Christian History" by Helen Ellerbe, Morningstar Books, 1995, ISBN 0-9644873-4-9

to be continued…

 Chapter 13 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Argh!!! Buffalo chips! Dammit! I already did a six month in-depth study of the Bible! Who wants to READ? NOT ME! I should read? EVERYBODY SHOULD READ? Just because I caused people to be NOT able to read from the MIND CONTROL, doesn't mean that we should not at least TRY????? Many libraries here now on this plane? Not filled with all the crap like I wrote in my magazines and booklets? The truth is everywhere, but sometimes hidden? Nature is a great teacher of truth? What the hell does THAT mean?

"Oh, I'm supposed to go lookin' under rocks now I suppose and watch ants? They are more honest than ME? Could learn a lot from them? And you call me nuts, Jesus Christ???!!! You weren’t kidding. Truth? Too dense to understand God created nature in and of himself? God is all in all? Bible had some things right on? I didn't emphasize the simple plain truth? Are you done with your harangue? Haven't seen anything yet? Only just begun? Now what???

"Since I asked, you have some more people who want to see me? They were men in the Worldwide Church of God that abused their wives and children and have been here because they either died a natural death or committed suicide. So what do they want to see me for? They blame me for bringing out the worst possible human characteristics in them? They stopped listening to their own conscience and began to listen to me? I told them their conscience was the voice of the devil? Couldn't trust Satan? Must shut off voices...all except mine and ministers. They have much repenting to do now because they got caught up in my bullshit religion!? It was not a church but a cult just like so many other cults out there in the world...I used the same techniques that Hitler used to subdue and control his people to do his ungodly bidding for him.... totalitarianism, terrorism, assault and battery on all levels of mind, body, spirit and emotion... Now these men have to FEEL AGAIN TOO just like I DO? They can't drown their pain in booze either? Have to FEEL IT and live IN IT? Just like all their victims had to live with their abuse in the world?

"You weren't done telling me about the equality of beings throughout the universe? A web of life? Everything is connected? The hip bone's connected to the leg la la....the knee bone's connected to the shoulder la la... ha ha ha SHUT UP? Jesus Christ, I always thought you were some wimpy womanish wretch of a man, and here you are bellowing out orders and telling me to......SHUT UP!!!! Oh keep your sandals on!! I'm listening. Can't quite stomach that hair though. It’s past the neckline of your robe! Should get it cut. SHUT UP? You don't give a damn about long hair? Stupid doctrine? Made it up? STIFLE MYSELF OR I'LL BE BALD, SHORTER AND WHAT???? Oh, Jesus Christ, you wouldn't take THAT away...not yet anyway!!! ? Would you?

"Sometimes I'm better off not knowing? Fate? What do you mean, born again? Oh we're back to threats again? Not a threat? A promise? No woman willing to bear me? Not even as a newborn? May have to spend a long long time in re-training with YOU? You don't always like your job either? Gonna get help? Can't take any more shit from me? Can't stand listening to my diarrheic mouth? Prolific producer of rhetoric... repulsive...redundant...rhetoric flowing out of orifices like raw sewage...

"Now I'm feeling picked on. Tip of the iceberg? Makes the Titanic sinking look like a pebble in the water? You need a break, Jesus Christ? So let’s do lunch. Is that all I can think about is carnal needs? Yeah. So?

"Well. He couldn't stomach me, he said. Had to go for some R & R to get his batteries recharged. He said while he's gone I should think about D & R, not R & R. Divorce and Remarriage doctrines I set up for the Worldwide Church of God brethren. Said I was a cruel son of a bitch to make people who loved each other and were married, separate because they'd been married before and divorced. Said that I kept the doctrine so that I could control people and get them to submit to me, that God would have allowed them to separate from their abusive mates, or mistake marriages. He told me that God divorced Israel and that God knew when it was time to give up on a hopeless union. He told me God's love is beyond measure and that love does not require pain and suffering, but I did with my stupid doctrines. He also told me that I screwed my own marriage vows sacrilegiously because I let Loma die in misery, and failed to get her medical help, and that all the other people that died because of their absolute obedience to me, were on my conscience too. He also reminded me of all the interracial couples I forced to separate because of my bigotry. Told me God never forbade the races to intermarry, that was MY law and not God's. Told me I had to suffer all the pain each of these people suffered even if it takes me through the whole new millennium plus a few more. I guess he really is pissed off at me....

"Oh well...I coulda gone to hell. So I guess I'll just mosey on down the path here and see where it leads me. What the hell is this? Stairway? Slider's enter here? I wonder what this is all about. I wonder if John Trechak knows. Hey John? You around? Whatda ya make athis? Just like on the TV show? Long after I came here? Doorway to other dimensions? Other planes? Too numerous to mention? It'll be a long time before I can flit around anyplace else. Purgatory? You say the Catholics called this place purgatory? Did you say get used to it? Could be worse? Yeah, been there too. Didn't like the 'guy in charge' or his cronies. Reminded me of my kingdom, the Worldwide Church of God. I guess I am starting to see ...

"A long way to go, John? Yeah, I suppose so. Hey, have you had breakfast yet? Wanna go for some jelly rolls or something? You're sicka me too? Spoils your appetite when you're with me? Find another sucker to listen to me whine?

"Hey Joe? Are you around? Joe Tkach, are you around? Hi Joe! Wanna go for breakfast. No, I'll buy. It's good to see you Joe. I've been having some adjustment problems. You too? Found out you've got major time to make up for brow beating your wife in the name of God? Extra time for pushing her beyond her mental capacity to endure your abuse. Will have to help all the women who'll tolerate you, to assist them in their recovery from Worldwide's abuse? That's going to be quite a chore, Joe. You'll have help? A few evangelists are floating around here too? Peons I wouldn't remember, you say. If you say so, Joe. Lets go eat."

to be continued...

 Chapter 14 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

 "Burp! Ah! That was good! Burp!! Well Joe, thanks for the treat. Haven't had heavenly pancakes like that since Loma cooked for me. You got anything lined up for you to do today? Oh, you've got a mandatory lecture series on humility. I see. Well I've got some free time, so I'll see you around, buddy. Wonder where this path leads... Since nobody has paged me I'll check it out. Interesting... Looks like an old court house... Humm... Nobody's around. I don't think anybody'd care if I just... Look at all those files!! Wonder if there's one with my name on it... Should be right here in the 'A' section... Sure enough... here it is "Herbert W. Armstrong". Humm... Look what we have here! They plan to sign me up for consecutive lecture series on developing humility, reversing narcissism, eradicating sex addiction, alcoholism, sociopathy, arrogance, and rehabilitation therapy for delusion busting, and hypnotic trance therapy, appropriate manners instruction, and Pied Piper complex therapy... humm ...I wonder what all this means? Oh, it means I'm going to be very, very busy? And who are you? Keeper of the assignments... Oh, do you have a name?

"What am I doing here? I'm snooping! What are you doing here? Your job... Oh, I see. And what job is that? Making sure all residents are assigned to their appropriate educational programs. I see... And when do I start? I've already started the informal part of the series called, 'random contact and socialization with fellow residents'. Oh. I see. And it was random that I ran into Jesus Christ and Saint Pete? Intentional? Oh, you telling me they can lower their frequencies and come to this plane but don't live here? Anybody on a higher plane can come here to 'visit' but anyone assigned here cannot go to a higher vibrational level. Oh, so what does that mean?

"You're telling me everything is energy? Naw... Electrical? How so? Just like radio frequencies? Every plane of existence or world operates on its own 'frequency'? Hum? Like a humming bird beating its wings... can't hardly see them... so when they stop you see wings, when they are in motion you don't. The faster the speed, the less you see. Like a fan on high speed, the blades disappear? Yeah. I see. So the reason we don't see those on higher planes is because their energy operates on a higher frequency? Something like that... Unhuh... Uh, Where did you go? Hey you!!! Come back here!!! Oh, you're still here I just couldn't see you because you raised your frequency again and then disappeared. You didn't disappear really? I just couldn't see you at a higher frequency like the fan blade or wings on the humming bird. Humm... Too bad I didn't think of that. I could have written booklets on it... No more booklets? Wasted enough of earth's forests on junk mail? Single handedly destroyed acres and acres... No respect. Dammit. I don't get no respect!!! I don't like it here!!!

"What the hell? Now where am I? All I said was I don't like it here and now I'm gone someplace else and everything is changed. I'm getting a taste of thought response activation? Better get used to it? The modus operandi here!!! Wow!!! Oh its you again, Jesus Christ. Lowered yourself to my level here, huh? Just the frequency you say? Yeah. Now I get it. Wish I'd catch on to other principles as fast? Hard headed? Some stuff is more important than others, you say? Some things a matter of physics and some things a matter of choice. I'm to work on matters to redeem good standing with God? You mean there really is a God? I WAS beginning to wonder. After all, I AM DELUSIONAL. Elective Delusionalism? Hope to cure it, huh?

"More people here to confront me? Lined up outside? Who are these people? I never met them before. They all wear funny robes like yours... and funny hair... need hair cuts too! All of those people from the Bible that I dishonored by my doctrines? Saints Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Jezebel, and Mary Magdalene to name a few? Mary has something she wants to tell me? She wasn't the harlot and slut I made her out to be? Oh, so Mary, what were you then? You were Jesus companion and you loved each other very much... I don't know anything about real love? There was another woman who was a harlot and I liked confusing your attributes with hers? Well, EXCUUUUUSE ME!!!

"Yeah. There I go again with my arrogant outbursts! So sue me!!! Ok, ok...I'll back off. What are you here for? Because I twisted the scriptures to back up my twisted dogma? Insult to their integrity? So, Jesus Christ, what is integrity? I wouldn't know because I never had any? Oh.

"So anything else you guys wanna complain about? Pitiful excuse for a preacher? Stop using their names in vane? Stop misquoting them? Stop all preaching and begin listening? Need to be educated to the REAL plain truth. It’s going to be the 'painful truth' for me!!!? Everybody's going to get a taste of the 'painful truth'? Oh well, like I always said, 'no pain, no gain', heh heh heh...

"Whatda ya mean all I ever said was 'no pay, no salvation'? I never said that!!! Not in so many words anyway! Held people's soul's for ransom? Big price for something they already possessed and didn't realize it because of all my bullshit! Don't I get it? Don't I get what? I'm supposed to take responsibility for my actions? At least 'own' what I did to all these people? Admit it? Stop denying it? So Religion has been doing that for eons, why single me out to blame me? Got to stop the cycle of abuse? Could be a better world if they knew the truth, the whole truth and only truth... And you thought I WAS IDEALISTIC??

"Exactly what God wants? Everyone should be aware and live the 'love' way? Yeah, that's what I preached for years... live the way of give, not the way of get!!! Whatda ya mean I lived the way of 'gimmie, gimmie, gimmie...? I did too need a jet to get around, and a fine mansion to live in, and... You aren't buyin' it? You didn't need a jet, or fancy clothes, or fine crystal and chinaware, and a mansion and college campuses... and you preached the real truth of the kingdom of God... and even though people got a lot screwed up they still have some of the right principals you taught... Well, Jesus Christ, you've made your point, now can we go to lunch?

"Can't stomach my indifference? Can't take my abrasive attitude? Attitude adjustment school? Major training program? Only a few of the worst have had to go there? Christopher Columbus, Adolph Hitler, Napolean, Joe Tkach..etc.. and Herbert W. Armstrong!!!? Joe passed with flying colors? Got him in right away because it wasn't going to take as long as me? Had to provide long term arrangements for me? Some of the others had a bad attitude about sharing the program with me? Wanted to graduate before I got in? So there's an opening waiting for me? Oh, good grief!”

to be continued...

 Chapter 15 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Whatda ya mean Armageddon? Whatda ya mean I'm going to learn first hand? Whatda ya mean it’s my turn? Oh oh!! I'm in big trouble now!!! Yeah, that's what I just said, Jesus Christ. I'm in big trouble now!! I'm facing a total transformation of my spirit? That's what Armageddon is all about? What about all those scary guys on horse back? The ones from the book of Revelation? Symbolic? Armageddon is a rise in consciousness? I have a long way to go? The only way to go is 'up' or to the viper pit with Belial? That's what all these programs here are for, to help me get to a higher consciousness? Oh.

"That was more bullshit I preached... to scare the hell out of people... so I could control them and insure their tithes coming in to my coffers. Scrooge? Made scrooge look like a nice guy? What the dickens you talking about? Oh, its you again!? Do I want to go for a little journey with you? No. Not really. I'm going anyway? Where to this time, Chuck? A lot of 'Tiny Tim's' in my wake? See the damages they suffered because of my damned dogma? Parental abuses, beatings, robbed of their childhoods, lived in poverty because their parents had no money left after tithing to me, ostracized from society because they were weird, couldn't celebrate holidays, stole Christmas, birthdays, any kind of recognition to demean them as human beings, allowed sexual abuses, mental abuses, spiritual abuses, emotional abuses, destroyed their will to live...etc.... So this is my wake?

"All these ragamuffins come to my funeral wake? Oh, you're talking about the ship that sailed and sunk? Huh? Whatda ya mean by that? Ohhhhhhhh! I get it...!!!! So they got a little catching up to do, huh? Don't look so outraged! Geezeee! I destroyed their futures? Used them and abused them, stepped on them like dirt and then left them to die in their misery... You sure can lay it on thick, Chuck! Can't come close to see all the damage I've done? Broke hearts and families like toothpicks and threw them away like garbage... Ya Chuck. Ya got me there. I never did like fraternizin' with the lowlifes.

"Whatda ya mean they'll reap a prize greater than anything I'll ever see? They've already done their suffering and they'll be exempt from all the extended training? Had their humility training? Will need to be revitalized with lotsa love therapy? Have to be taught all over again to love themselves? Have to be shown how much God really loves them? Have to be reminded that their place is secured here? Jesus Christ told them that his father has many mansions awaiting them...and I get the mud hut out back? Nice work, Chuck! I don't even deserve that much? Already had my mansions? Stop whining? Shut Up???

"Whatda ya mean we're going to spend a few years in the archives looking at all of my abuses to all of the people I encountered on earth? Have to take responsibility for all I've done? Can't get away with anything here. I ain't nobody here? Just another hot air balloon that will get deflated in time? God's days are as a thousand years...just like I taught... so get used to it?

"When can we go eat, Chuck? I had breakfast a long time ago? I sure would like some of those fancy pork chops again! You don't DO lunch? Find another joker to break bread with? Not many people here still practice the carnal art of eating food? Spirits don't have to eat... Just psychological conditioning makes me think I need to eat? A hard habit to break? I have a lot of hard habits to break? Most of them much worse than eating?

"This is really feeling like a nightmare! I just want to wake up! Not a chance of that, Jesus Christ? Someone here to see me? From the dreamtime? People who live on earth dream and their spirits can travel all over? I didn't know that! Who are you? Never heard of you Patti . What do you want to see me about? Spent a lot of years believing my dogma? True believer? Baptized member for many years? Tithe payer? Ha ha, another sucker!! You're laughing now because you KNOW the REAL truth and don't have any more of that religious crap in your head? Damn near destroyed you? Destroyed your life? Killed your loved one? No I didn't!!! He killed himself because you wouldn't marry him? Because of my damn decree against interracial marriage and some of his blood wasn't white? Couldn't obey 'god' and marry him too? Did all the wrong things for all the right reasons... to do God's will? Dumb sheep that followed me for years? Questioned the actions of a minister of God? Wrote to headquarters? Minister forced you out of Worldwide Church of God because you wouldn't choose 'God and the church over the truth' and you say you knew the truth and so did God, so you quit the church... expected to land in the lake of fire... refused to let minister come with his henchman and harangue you one more time... did it several times and almost snapped your mind... knew he'd destroy you if you let him come back... disfellowshipped and marked and then slandered from the pulpit for years coast to coast... heard about it from others who didn't shun you? Attempted to divide and conquer! Some couldn't be divided??? About 30 people came out of church because of the uproar? How dare they break my commandments!!! Some of the brethren still talked to you? I'll have to... Oh. That's right. I'm no longer Pastor General. I'm dead. Deader than most?

"Questioned the doctrines because of MY FRUITS and the FRUITS that TOOK OVER after I died? My absurd teachings caused you to do an in depth study? Six months? No? The past twelve years... Read all the books I forbade? Found out I was full of shit! Threw everything I taught you away and started over? Thought you knew everything when you were in Worldwide, but now you know you were programmed to think this and realize you don't know much... Now know just the basics? Enough? Enough to not worry anymore... or pay tithes to anyone anymore... or take anything at face value... or believe anything a preacher or politician says... Don't like nightmares either? Don't want to be around the likes of me even in a nightmare? She's gone... Wonder why she didn't sock it to me any stronger than that!!! I really screwed up her life. Took the best years of her life, destroyed the potential she had. Squelched her creativity. Guess that pissed her off the most. Never got to do the things with her life she had set out to do before she got tangled up in my web, she said. Just another daughter of EVE. Whatda ya mean, Jesus Christ... There'll be no more put downs of women!!!? Not unless I'd like to meet all the female former members in my dreams... Good grief!!! Nightmares! No, please....

to be continued...

Chapter 16 -  The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Discernment... discernment... huh? So there's a difference between judgment and discernment? And you people here aren't JUDGING me? You claim to have the ability to DISCERN? God will judge me in the final judgment? 'Till then I will have to judge MYSELF according to all the acts I have done and all the misery I have created in the world? And all the lies I have told? And as I judge OTHERS I will be judging myself? I'm in big trouble... REAL BIG TROUBLE!!!

"Whining again? Naw. I'm just hashing over what everybody's been telling me. Talking to myself! Nobody wants to listen to an old man anymore. An old DEAD man I might add. Pity pot? There's that damn term again. Will somebody please tell me what the hell a pity pot is? Your name is Bill? Bill W.? And you'll tell me all about it if I'll go to some meetings? I'll learn a lot about myself if I go to these meetings? I'll learn twelve steps to a new way of life? I'll think about it, Bill. Thanks. Might just take him up on that offer. I'd sure like to know what the hell a pity pot is!

"I'm going over to that library Jesus Christ was telling me about. I want to look up some stuff he mentioned and... Oh... you're on your way to the library too? A teacher? Used to call you a great philosopher? Plato? Oh sure, I heard of you. I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, founder and Pastor General of the Worldwide Church of God in Pasadena, California. I used to FORBID my followers to READ your writings!!! Heh, heh... How could I convince them the earth was six thousand years old if I let them read about the sunken continent of Atlantis that you wrote about? ...*And a 50,000 year old petroglyph map in Ica, Peru that shows the island in the Atlantic! Hell, then they'd have realized that those who survived the sinking island fled to Europe as well as America and thus my claim of British Israelism would have been out the window. Hell, even Adolf Hitler's claim to a pure Aryan race would be down the toilet. Deliberately deceived people? Yeah. So what? Paid the rent... heh heh... You calling me pitiful? Plato is a jerk! No sense of humor!

"Now I forgot what it was Jesus Christ told me to look up... Oh yeah... It was a book about the Tree of Life. Let’s see here. Oh yeah... found it! Hum, interesting. **Another book I forbade my 'sheep' to read. Heh, heh, heh... Shows the creation... How God first designed the macrocosm... means universe it says here.... and the microcosm.... human beings... and what keeps the universe in balance... Wow. Deep stuff! Humm... the visual diagram is the symbol of the tree in the garden of Eden! Holy SHIT!!! And it says here that it shows the four worlds, and the trinities... TRINITIES!!! Plural!! NO SHIT! Boy oh boy am I in trouble now! After all the preaching I did that there was no TRINITY!!! Here is ancient knowledge of the trinity... I'm not sure if I want to find out... but if I don't read the damn book, Jesus Christ is going to be on my case, so either way, I'm going to have to report back to him... May as well read it... its kind of interesting anyway... Hey, this is the same stuff that old keeper of the assignments was telling me about electricity the other day, electrical currents and positive and negative poles... says here that the trinity is the underlying principal of the balance within the universal laws of life... it says here that the three are as one and one is as three... Oh shit! Hum...all things were polorized... positive masculine... negative feminine. Shit! I could have told 'em that!!! ...electric or magnetic… This shows the equality of the feminine and masculine!!! I can't stand to read this! It’s against everything I hold dear!

"And just what do I hold dear, you ask? Jesus Christ, you again! Well of course, the superiority of the male gender!!! NOT! You're blasting my illusions, man! Better get used to it you say? I'm still in kindergarten? Time to learn about our androgynous creator God, Herbert? Whats androgynous mean? Having both genders? OH MAN! You're getting too weird for me! No superior gender? Created equal? Women are Not to be submissive to men? I can't stand it, Jesus! I can't accept that they are equal. After all, my whole life has been dedicated to eradicating women's power.... Not something I should be proud of? Have to repent? MOTHER EVE DID NOT SIN? I can't stand it!!!! I just can't stand it!!!! God punished her with pain in childbirth because of her sins.....!!! NOT??? Counsel of Nicea's way to subjugate women started long before I was on the scene? They were able to impute their motives into scripture? Many of the Hebrew words were mistranslated? Many words had higher or multiple meanings and could not be expressed in other languages adequately? The Catholic Church was instrumental in translating the Bible texts? You mean to say that I was right about them?

"Oh... you don't like me calling them Babylon, the Great Mother of Whores? Do I realize I was one of them? One of whom, Jesus Christ? One of the whores??? I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never a whore. A whore hopper, yes, of course. But never a whore! You were speaking collectively of my organization, the Worldwide Church of God as being one of the daughter's of Babylon? Oh. And all that preaching and all that prolific writing was in vain... An abomination? A total misnomer? Should have called it the Worldwide Church of Crap or the Worldwide Web of Deceit??? Or like David Robinson wrote in his book, The Tangled Web. Oh, I really did a good job of weaving, didn't I?

After all these trips to the library and the training sessions, you're going to send me to the archives where I can look up my REAL ancestry? You mean to say that I can't claim King David as my great-great greeeeeeeaaaaaaat grandpa? Not even related except that he was human too? Wouldn't want to admit to having a descendant like me? Would disown me if I was descended by some fluke? Already has enough grand descendents? Too much significance has been given to his lineage anyway? Some day I may understand the great plan of God and realize that there was a real plan, and that no human being could have interfered with it, not even me? And that there will never be any ONE human being who will be the ONLY human God communicates with and if anyone ever tells people that again, people should run like hell... because it’s probably somebody like me? You know, Jesus Christ, it’s not fun anymore being an apostle."

* "Mitakuye Oyasin" (We are all related), by Dr. A.C. Ross (Ehanamani), Bear, Box 480005, Denver, CO 80248; 1989. ISBN 0-9621977-0-X

**Kabbalah, Your Path to Freedom, by Ann Williams-Heller, Quest Books, 1990, ISBN 0-8356-0656-2

to be continued...


Chapter 17 -  The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Why am I sitting here on a park bench pouting you ask? Well Saint John Trechak, if you would be keeping up your life's work of following me around and snooping and reporting on me then you wouldn't have to ask.!!! Now would you!!! Been through hell and back these last few days. Got a lot on my mind. Have a lot of reading to do. Just books and pamphlets and videos and materials that take up all my time. Jesus Christ has been on my case and just makes me study everything. Says that I'm an over-bearing hard-headed nut case! No respect here John. I don't get no respect. And then they tell me people from higher planes can come here to visit by lowering their vibrational level but that anybody assigned here can't go any higher until they earn that right. Oh? You knew that? That was one of the first things they taught you on your plane? You mean you already are on a higher level and... You LOWER YOURSELF to come and see ME??? Just your VIBRATIONS!!!! Not your integrity? There's that WORD again... INTEGRITY!!! What the HELL is INTEGRITY John? Stop laughing!!! John...

"It’s all in the dictionary? Your dictionary says that it means HONESTY? Words like SINCERITY, UPRIGHTNESS, WHOLENESS, SOUNDNESS come to your mind? And like you said I don't have any of these characteristics? What do you mean PERSONAL INTEGRITY? Whatda ya mean I messed with people's personal integrity!!! I'm not responsible for other people, John!!! I am so? Because of all my lies, I led them into corruption? Caused them to not think for themselves? Did their thinking for them, therefore took responsibility for all of them? Took away their ability to think by using mind control techniques? Shouldn't have patterned my practices after Hitler?? Integrity is a personal choice? When a person's free will is taken away and interfered with as I did to my followers, then their FREE WILL CHOICE is also destroyed?? So you're telling me, John, that they weren't responsible for their own actions? That they were 'just following orders'??? So I'm responsible for all of them?

"Jesus Christ. Right on time. Here's John Trechak giving me a short course on something I've never heard of before. Integrity. Know anything about this, Jesus Christ? Been listening to us telepathically?? Oh. Forgot about that!!! John, did you know about telepathic communication like they use here? Oh, you knew that a long time ago? When you first got here already? Before you got here? Oh. Guess you did some READING in your spare time then, huh John. Weren't always reporting on me and my organization? John? Stop laughing. It isn't funny.

"It’s God's job to decide who is responsible? Everyone is responsible for their own behavior but God takes it into consideration when they have been abused with mind control and gives them a special dispensation? Those who do the mind control however, get double-barrel treatment? Boy oh boy...have I heard THAT a lot here!!! God's love is in balance, remember? It’s the TRINITY that keeps everything in balance... There's THAT word again too. Jesus Christ, I never believed in a trinity. Taught all my followers there were two Gods. Now the Holy Spirit is gonna GET me? Because I slandered her? HER??? OOOH SHIT!!!

"Feminine aspect of God??? Suppressed? Goddess? This is one lesson that I don't want to hear about, Jesus Christ!!! I am not in any mood to discuss it!!! If there is such a thing, then I don't want to know about it!!! You can't force me to learn!!! No choice in THIS matter? Can't deny A*N*Y part of God if I want to stay HERE...!!! Feminine ASPECT is a part of GOD!!! Whatda ya mean I might be surprised to learn that the feminine aspect of God could very well be incarnated on the earth today?!! This is too much, Jesus Christ!!! This must be another one of those nightmares!!!!

"John, I have to get out of here!!! Will you go for a walk with me? Let’s go get some pork chops. I am NOT a HYPOCRITE!!!! How can I eat pork chops after all the years of abstinence from them? Do you actually believe, John, that I, THE APOSTLE had to be ABSTINENT? That was one of the tenants of the Worldwide Church of God, but as the APOSTLE I did not have to obey. I GAVE the orders John, I didn't TAKE them!!! Whatda ya mean THINK about that and I might understand INTEGRITY ...or lack thereof??? John? Where are you going? You and Jesus Christ are going out for breakfast? Bacon and eggs sound good. Can I come along? Have to read the booklets on "Integrity" and "Shekinah, The Feminine Aspect of God"... THEN I can go eat...!? It’s not FAIR!!! It’s just not fair!!! They get to eat and I have to stay here and read. And nobody told me SHE had a NAME. The SHE-god. Shekinah. Not a bad sounding name though. Shit. Who would have ever guessed that God had a feminine side! He has always been masculine in my mind.

"I wonder if Joe Tkach ever heard about THIS? Hey Joe? Can't you HEAR ME??? Everybody on this PLANE can hear me bellow? That's not nice to say Joe. They can hear me telepathically and then they can hear me with their other senses too? Oh. Loud? Demanding? Spoiled brat? Kindergarten? Diapers? Ok Joe. Enough compliments already. I just called you because I was lonesome and wanted to ask you about 'her'. Did you ever hear of 'her'. IF YOU READ MY THOUGHTS, DAMMIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. NO TIME TO PLAY STUPID, JOE!!! Oh, you've known about 'her' for some time already? One of the first lessons they gave you because you were so cruel to your wife, who was made in the IMAGE after all, of God...the she-god! Oh Joe. Do you think we'll ever learn all this TRUTH??????

"You aren't supposed to take anybody else’s truth as your own? Supposed to look inside and find the truth there? That's what the Bible meant by "the kingdom of God is within you"? Oh, so we're back to the Bible, which has so much fiction, and so much non-fiction that I don't know which is which!!! Yeah, I do think I've got troubles! What do I think of all the people I deceived with my lies? They are still picking the fly shit out of the pepper? What the HELL does THAT mean Joe? Means it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes between the truth and non-truth? I spent a lifetime confusing the two. Now I have to join the ranks and pick up the pepper shaker and get to work???? Everybody else has to do this too? PICK THE FLY SHIT OUT OF THE PEPPER?????? This place really bugs me. I don't get no respect. Have to read all these goddam booklets. Have to listen to all these lectures....and Ach choooooooooooooooooo!!!! Now the goddam pepper!!!!!

"You were only kidding, Joe??? Joe, you sonofa BITCH! Whatda ya mean watch it or the SHE-god is gonna get ya... Shut up, Joe. Just SHUT UP!!!!”

to be continued… 

Chapter 18 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"That damn Joe. Thinks he's so smart! Pick fly shit out of pepper!! Just doesn't give me the respect I deserve!!! As the twentieth century apostle, I should get more respect. Oh, so I should have gotten the 'hint' by now that I'm not really an apostle? And who are you? Paul who was Saul and who has seen it all? Ha ha ha.... finally somebody with a sense of humor!!! So whatda ya call yourself now? Oh you're one of God's Apostles. A real apostle? One of the originals? Imposter? You're calling me an imposter? Not just an imposter but a self-righteous egotistical self-centered IMPOSTER! No sense of humor there. Just another GROUCH! I'm outa here! Have to find some peace and quiet! Where's that pathway to the park. Oh... here it is...

"Why am I tossing pebbles into the pond? Because I'm disgusted with everybody here... who's asking? Oh, it’s you Jesus Christ. What now? You want me to just sit here and watch what I'm doing? I'm just tossing these little pebbles into the water, one after another. You want me to wait a minute and then toss just one in and watch the ripples? Then what? Just watch, huh? Ok. So now what? Yeah, I see the ripples. Just one pebble makes all those ripples. Yeah. So? Compare me to a pebble? You think I'm just a pebble? Oh, that's not what you said... make an analogy? Like I'm the pebble...? And all the ripples I've caused... oh. Everything I've done in my life is like this pebble... having a ripple effect long after its sunk out of sight... oh yeah? How so?

"Do I know the status of the Worldwide Church of God since I died? Yeah, sure, Joe Tkach took over as Pastor General. Do I know what he did with my doctrines? Yeah, sure. He and his son changed just about everything. Got rid of the ban on medical treatment, changed the Sabbath, turned it into just another protestant church... everything deteriorated like a row of dominos tumbling. That's not all? What then? Oh, lots of people left Worldwide because of the changed doctrines... yeah, can't say I blame them. Offshoot groups? Rod, Gerald, Bill and lots of others set up their own groups? Lots more people got recruited? More abuses? Some groups carried on in Armstrong style? No? STRONG ARM style, brow beating women and children... still a dangerous cult only now instead of one it’s a whole bunch of them... Yeah, just like I said in the old days... when you cut down the main trunk of the tree a bunch of offshoots spring up like weeds!!!! Nothing to be proud of? I'm responsible for all these people too? They'll be suffering the 'ripple effect'? Even though I'm long gone from there, they are still under my thumb and doctrines...

"That's one of the universal laws you were telling me about? What affects one person affects all of us? The web of life? Each a strand in the web of life, sorta like a spider web... I single handedly pulled down the consciousness of thousands of people, generations of people and it still continues because my 'trainees' continue to teach what I taught... And it will be a long long time before the mess will be cleaned up and the people will understand they were all duped. I wasn't the only one? All kinds of organized religion will be called on the carpet for their misdeeds? No shit? All religions are man made? All cults are pseudo-religions and are created by stereotypical egotists like me who are power and control freaks!! You've been reading my mail... heh heh

"No one needs RELIGION to reach God? Prayer is US TALKING TO GOD... Meditation is the way we HEAR GOD TALK TO US!!!!!??? I have to learn how to keep QUIET so that I can LISTEN instead of talk all the time? If I meditate I will hear my guidance? Never could before because my EGO got in the way? All of my life I've been on one big EGO trip?? Geeee, thanks a lot!! God had no way to reach me? I Claimed I had the only channel to God and here my channel was plugged with BULLSHIT? You telling me that it wasn't my guidance I followed but my EGO? Humph!!! Did I ever do anything RIGHT? NEVER LISTENED? ALWAYS A KNOW-IT-ALL ARROGANT WART-HOG!!!??? Now you're name calling! Got my ATTENTION? Yeah... yeah... yeah...What guidance? We all have a spirit guide or guardian angel? Unlike what I taught that all beings that were spirit were evil DEMONS. Our guides are usually someone from the spirit side who knows us well and agrees to be there for us throughout our lifetime on earth. Mine RESIGNED? Went AWOL??? Put an ad in the Ambassador Report looking for a replacement!!! No resumes? Not even an application!!! STOP LAUGHING!!! I don't think it’s a BIT funny!!!

"So Jesus Christ, if I sit quietly, keep my mouth shut, quiet down my thoughts I should be able to hear God? That's the idea? You don't think I am ready for that? You don't believe I could STOP TALKING for any length of time? You're not sure God is interested in talking to me right now? Disgusted with my attitude? I should read some more books. Good one just written by a renowned psychic, *Sylvia Browne still on earth... about the 'other side'... lots of good information explaining the TRUTH about spiritual stuff. Not lies like I wrote and preached for years? So why are you making me read all these books written by WOMEN, Jesus Christ? Because for once in my life I'm going to have to listen to them and learn from them??? Fat chance they can teach ME anything, Jesus Christ. Never learned anything from one yet!

"Well, if you're finished with me for the day, Oh... You're not? You would like to show me how to pick fly shit out of pepper? You too?? Think you can fool me with that TRICK? A lesson in discernment!!? That WORD again!!! True discernment IS picking the fly shit out of the pepper..? Oh... I never needed to sort it before. Yeah... yeah... yeah... You saying I was better off delusional? No? You're saying I was NEVER DECEIVED. KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING... FULLY AWARE... R*E*S*P*O*N*S*I*B*L*E FOR MY ACTIONS? Yeah, heh heh heh, aren't we all!

I sure can't figure out what the BIG DEAL is! Wish I had my jet. I'm bored.”

*"The Other Side and Back" A Psychic's Guide to Our World and Beyond. Sylvia Browne with Lindsay Harrison. Dutton. 1999. ISBN 0-525-94504-0

to be continued...

Chapter 19 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999  

"What NERVE!!!!  Called me a 'warthog'.  Said the 'W' in my name stands for 'Warthog'.  How insulting can you get!!!!  No respect here.  I get no respect.  Arrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!

Just pisses me off!  Makes me so damn mad!!!  Dammmmmmn mad!  God's apostle being treated like a warthog.  Whatda ya mean at least I'm feeling SOMETHING????  Whatda ya mean the 'love of many has waxed cold' thanks to my doctrines???  You blaming me for a bunch of lost sheep!???  Heh heh?  You are...  Oh.  Over burdened them... caused their circuits to overload... caused them to shut down emotionally... caused them to stuff all their feelings... caused them to suffer posttraumatic stress disorder?  What the HELL is that?  So you're telling me that when they break free of my mind control, their emotions thaw out?  Then they feel ALL OF THEIR FEELINGS at once and  the pain of being DECEIVED by the 'one and only true church on the face of the earth' and then all their past feelings they never dealt with are 'in their face'??  And who made you the expert?  Who are you?  Am I supposed to know you?  

"No, we never met?  Then how do you know so much about me?  A friend of Patti who was never sucked in by the Worldwide Church of God?  So whatda ya want with me, bucky boy?  The name's Mike?  You don't like being called 'bucky boy' just because you have native blood?  So you're not of the pure Aryan race like I am, huh?  Stop laughing.  I don't think you're one bit funny!!!  So you say you lowered yourself to come here and look me up?  Oh.  Just the vibrations, not the integrity.  I've heard THAT before.  So you told Patti I was just one of those "Holy Rollers" and tried to persuade her to stay away from me?  Told her about the Great Spirit and the powers of the four directions?  Pagan crap, huh and she wouldn't buy it!!!  Not pagan crap?  Same Great Spirit that created ME?  Same four powers Christians call the archangels?  Oh?  Same stuff, different lingo, huh?  So she couldn't understand because she was raised Catholic?  The Great Mother of Harlots religion I always say!!  Catholic Church taught her that anybody who commits suicide goes straight to hell?  I always taught that hell was the grave.  Not what the Catholics meant?  

"So when you died she couldn't stand the thought that you'd gone to hell?  Couldn't believe it because you were so spiritual?  Talked to her sister's ministers from the Worldwide Church of God and they told her you were asleep in the grave and would be resurrected after a thousand years and be given the opportunity to learn of God's truth then?  Yeah, that's the way I taught them.  Was ok for her to think that while she was in Worldwide but when she left she realized we'd lied about EVERYTHING else and she had to know where you really were!!!  Ha, I'll bet that kept her busy!!!  She went back to your people and learned your beliefs?  Then she studied all the other possibilities from secular books... the ones I wouldn't let anybody read!  Read Emanuel Swedenborg's prolific works?  Yeah, he was a 'wind bag' too.  Ha ha...  

"So you killed yourself because she joined Worldwide?  You didn't kill yourself?  Everybody thought you did?  Somebody just as bigoted as me put an end to your life?  Wasn't suicide.  She thought it was for many years until a spiritualist told her otherwise? Must have been a sorcerer, huh?  Wasn't?  Just an ordinary man with a gift of the Holy Spirit?  Gift, not demon possessed?  Yeah, I used to teach all gifts of the spirit were demonic.  Ha ha. Kept them out of tarot cards!!!  Except for the ones I... Oh never mind.  

"So you're telling me that fourteen years later she had posttraumatic stress disorder because all her feelings came out when she began grieving for the brethren who shunned her?  Like they all died at once?  Too much grief?  Triggered her own personal grief from the past that she didn't deal with because she went into Worldwide for the next fourteen years?  So?  What's your point?  

"So you're blaming me because if it hadn't been for my articles against interracial marriage the fact that you have native American blood as well as French blood,  wouldn't have mattered and she would have married you?  Then you'd have been together and the likelihood of your death would have been less.  So your saying it’s  MY fault?  Am I supposed to care?  Callous?  No feelings?  I do too have feelings!!! I feel like BARFING from your SOB STORY!!!  So you weren't blaming me?  Just checking me out?  Now you know what she's been through?  Lots of people lost love ones because of me?  You've forgiven me?  Doesn't matter anymore?  God's plan so vast that lifetimes on earth are just a small part of the picture.  You'll be together again?  Love never dies? The only thing we take with us besides our knowledge and spiritual growth... or deficit like in MY CASE??   

Going back to your plane?  Yeah, wish I could go back to mine, but I can't find it. Was a nice jet too.  Bought it with tithe money, yeah.  Part of it belonged to Patti?  And all the brethren?  They never got to ride in it???  So what's that got to do with anything?  Oh, you're just pointing out a few realities?  A few realities I never gave a damn about, 'bucky boy'.  Say where'd he go?  Just vanished!!! Damn Indian!  Savage!  Pagan!  

"Whatda ya mean I'm the real SAVAGE?  And who, pray tell, are you with your skin the color of molasses?  Name's Mahatma Gandi?  Did I ever have my picture taken with you?  You don't remember? Wouldn't have wasted your time?  Had more important things to do?  Helped your people in India march peacefully against the British rule?  Now you want to help influence those on earth under mind control so they can find peace in their hearts and not waste feeling bitter towards me?  What would they find to be bitter about, Matma...? Mafa...?  Moo Moo???  Or whatever the hell your name is?  Oh, like you said in the first place I'm the savage?  Nice guy!  And YOUR mother eats SACRED COWS!!!!  Ha ha ha  No self respecting PAGAN would have anything to do with the likes of me?  Pagan is a good way to go?  What ROCK you been sleepin’ under, Moo Moo???  Insolent?  Insidious?  INSULTING  if you ask ME?  Didn't ask, but I'm that too?   Mr. Molasses has SPOKEN!  So it must be so!!!  Damn ugly... Watch my mouth or I'll find myself incarcerated?  And who says so?  You again, Jesus Christ!!! Sure are some weirdoes here..."  

to be continued...       

Chapter 20 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000  

"Harrumph!!!  Can't find my jet.  Nobody likes me.  I don't get no respect!  Get called a Warthog... just because I'm short.  I'm not THAT short... That's NOT what the 'W' in my name stands for.  Just being victimized by all these holier than thou SAINTS!  What a bummer!  I just want to find my jet and go back to Pasadena.  There is NO ESCAPE?  Someone once told YOU that?  And who are you?  No saint? The Quicksilver?  What the hell is a 'quicksilver'?  Oh I get it!!  Mr. Mercury Man!  Ha ha.  Just having a routine nightmare?  Oh, friend of that damn Patti ?  Oh, not a friend, she doesn't like you any more than she likes me?  This should be interesting.  So why'd you come here in your dreamtime?  Bored?  Oh, I get it!  Looking for a little excitement, huh?  Checking me out?  Heard all about me from 'HER'?  All that Bible bullshit?  Hey Mr. Quick, that's not nice to disrespect the Bible.  After all, that is God's truth, you know.  You don't know?  Oh, so tell me about it.  

"So you're telling me the Old Testament was done away?  It was pre-empted by the New Testament, according to the Christian church fathers who geared the writing toward that end?  So you're telling me that Bible thumping isn't your bag?  You're a hippie from the sixties.  Yeah, you look like a hippie with your tie-dyed shirt and long blond hair and beard?  Ever shave?  You know God doesn't like long hair.  Bullshit you say?  So what difference does hair length have to do with anything?  I made it a major doctrine?  Sure.  You know how it is when you want to control the masses.  Have to create a creed for them to follow.  Have to get them to OBEY all the rules.  If they don't obey the little things, you know you can't get them to obey the BIG STUFF, like tithe paying, heh heh...  

"Energy?  Everything is energy!?  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard that countless times since I've been in this place.  I exuuuuuude negative energy?  Like a big fat dust bunny?  Harrumph!!! So you travel between the various planes in your spirit?  Who the hell are you?  Some kind of demon?  You've been called worse?  So what do you want with me, Mr. Mercury?  Had to check me out?  Had to see why that Patti was having such a hard time understanding the psychic energy stuff you tried to explain to her?  Mind control? She trusted me implicitly and then the rug was pulled out from under her?  Was a true believer?  Totally dedicated to my stupid organization?  Was her whole life?  Then when she was unceremoniously forced out the mind control began to crumble?  Like she stepped off the edge of a cliff and there was nothing under her feet? Brain warp?  Had to Unlearn everything I taught her through my stupid organization?  She threw it ALL OUT and started over with NOTHING?  An empty slate?  Now you understand why she had to know EVERYTHING!  She couldn't stand any more LIES and DECEIT.  That's why you and her don't get along anymore?  You lied to her?  She got your number too?  Borrowed money and promised to pay her back and never did?  Dumb sheep, that one.  Believes anything you tell her... ha ha ha, I see...  

"So about the Old Testament being done away.  What's your version of it Mr. Quicksilver?  Oh, you took care of that in your out house?  So what's an out house?  A two seater?  Never heard of such a thing!!! That's where your Bible was located?  Your so-called 'study'? Oh, I see... And that's where your version of the Old Testament was 'done away' a page at a time?  I should think about that? So Mr. Quick, since you came to see me, you wanna do lunch?  I'll buy the pork chops!  You're a vegetarian?  Won't eat that crap?  Won't put dead animals in your body?  So you wanna go for pancakes then instead?  No appetite while you're sleeping?  Have places to go and things to do that are INTERESTING?  Not impressed with the likes of me?  I should meet the ROOSTER?  What the HELL is the ROOSTER???  Somebody who has something to crow about?  Used to be your friend?  Got your number too?  So how do I meet him?  

"You don't look much like a rooster!  Where's your BEAK?  heh, heh, heh!!!  A nick name because of your spiked blond hair?  Of course you KNOW you need a haircut!!!  I am NOT your OUTSIDE AUTHORITY?   So why are you here?  Having a nightmare?  Patti told you all about me and you're here to check me out?  So what do you see, Mr. Beakless Rooster?  And why do you think I would take my precious time to talk to the likes of you??  I never even heard of that damn Patti until she came here in her nightmare!!!  Oh, she told you how I made off with the tithes of all the people and used them for lewd purposes?  $l,500.00 hair cuts!!!  Prostitutes on board my jet!!? Heh, heh!!!  Yeah.  So what's your point?  Preached that the 'widow's might' would give the dumb sheep a special blessing and all it did was get spent on my frivolous bullshit!  A waste of your nightmare?  You'd rather dream about something worthwhile, like Nancy?  Who the hell is Nancy?  

"Nobody I know? So Rooster, the impression I've gotten from all these dreamtime visits is that I am a pretty popular person!  DELUSIONAL?  You don't even know me and you call me delusional?  Know my type?  So what's that supposed to mean?  A petty dictator?  Little tyrant?  Little Hitler?  Not even original, just another IMPOSTER?  How dare you come here, you miserable BIRD and talk to me THAT WAY!  It's your nightmare and you can dream anything you want?  So why do I have to participate?  My choice?  I didn't have to accept your visit?  So I could just go pooft and leave?  My EGO couldn't stand to say NO to the ATTENTION I'm getting from these visits?  I still think I'm some apostle when all I am is an inflated balloon and you'd like to see me deflated? I'm just a crumb like the rest of you?  There's not "GOD" and "NOT GOD"?  And what's that supposed to mean?  What you crowin' about BIG BIRD?  Insulting you?  So?  So you're telling me that God is ALL THERE IS?  Bible says God is all in all, even me?  Off the hook, little man?  Part of God?  A very very very SMALL small part, unlike my delusional grandeur?  Like a fly speck?  Oh, no!!  Not THAT again!!!  I've heard enough about fly shit to last me a lifetime?  Or THREE you say?  Plenty of lifetimes ahead to make amends for my depraved ways?  Thousands of places to incarnate?  You mean like that alien in a Halloween costume was telling me?  He was right on the money?  Hey BIRD, where'd you go???”  

to be continued...  

Chapter 21 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000

"Whatda ya mean, I called you?  Halloween man!!!  Do I wanna go see the universe?  In your space ship?  I'd rather take my jet but I've misplaced it temporarily... it’s not equipped to go where we're going?  Oh... I see.  What on earth is that???  Not EARTH?!!  I can SEE that!  More spectacular than anything I told my dumb sheep?  Lied to them and told them they'd be rulers of cities and globes and universes... yeah, so what's your point?  These cities are ruled by God's laws of LOVE?  Oh, how boooooorrring!!!  Yeah, I can see they are something else.  Look like something out of Disneyland!  Domes and stuff... like space city... oh, look, there goes a flying saucer!! Duck!!  Heh, heh.  No sense of humor Halloweenie!!  No sense of humor at all.  Better get with the program!!!  

"Oh hi there, Bill W.  Program?  I need your program?  Yeah, yeah.... attraction not promotion, but you couldn't resist reminding me of my alcoholism?  Bad habit?  Drunk and disorderly conduct?  Do YOU HAVE TO tell EVERYONE???  Anonymity?  Never talked to anyone else about it but me?  I never heard of THAT concept... true.  

"Just because I liked a few drinks now and then, he calls me an alcoholic.  Yeah, I guess it was written about in that damn book, the one about my so-called tangled web.  Damn ministers ratted on me!  Tattle tales!!  NO I DID NOT CALL YOU, ROBINSON!  But now that you're here I have a bone to pick with you!!!  You know all about my habit of eating pork chops even though I wouldn't let my followers eat them?  So?  You wouldn't pick any bones with me because you can't stomach me?  Oh, you and whose army, Robinson?  Won't qualify that with an answer?  Disgusted?  Going back to your own plane?  You too, huh?  Guess I'm stuck here all alone.  Where'd Halloweenie go?  Oh, we're back home?  Can't take someone as bigoted as me to other civilizations because my vibrations cause the people to get sick?  You some friend of that damn Quicksilver?  You've spent some time together?  Visit other civilizations together?  Don't like him much either, but at least he wears bright colored shirts?  Better than my drab garb?  So what's wrong with my bathrobe, buddy?  

"No dignity?  No class?  So who are you to judge me?  Not judging?  Just observing? Had to come to this plane anyway to visit me to see if I've learned anything yet?  Now you understand why I'm still here after all these years?  Enjoying visiting on your own plane with John Trechak?  He come with you?  So where is he then?  

"Hey there, John!  How the hell are you?  Been feeling great living in your own vibrational environment?  Not healthy spending so much time on the LOWER LEVEL HERE?  Save the insults, John.  Stop laughing.  You'll buy me a pork chop supper?  Hey man, that's the best offer I've had in a long time!  So let’s go eat!!  First you have to give Joe Tkach a message?  He's gained three points towards his exoneration?  Only has 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,003 points left to regain his status and move on up?  You're going to celebrate by taking him along for pork chops?  How sweet it is, John!  How sweet it is!!!  Have I gained any points yet, John?  Not a joke!!!  Stop laughing!  Damn you, John!!!  I was just asking a simple question!  Haven't had a good laugh since last time you ran into me?  Shut up, John!  Just shut up!  Forget the pork chops?  Lots of CROW to eat!!?  Damn you, John.  

"Whatda ya mean I'm all washed up?  I haven't had a shower yet, John!  Figure of speech?  Have to get dressed up for my evening with you?  Didn't think you were still going to take me along, John, after all the insults... Not insults?  Truth hurts?  You've been exposing me for so long that you forgot what a bigoted arrogant hypocrite I am?  Whatda ya mean, John?  I thought we were starting to become friends?  A cold day in hell?  

"Some 'friend'!!!  I wish I could just fly outta here on my jet... No place like home... I'm really sick of this place... but hell, if he's buying the pork chops, I'll take a shower and get dressed!  Always did enjoy a free ride!  I mean meal... and if he's sucker enough to buy, I'll take him up on the offer, heh, heh...  

"Yeah, I'm ready now, John.  Do I have my wallet along?  I'm buying?  Whatda ya mean I'm buying?  I lived off other people long enough and now its payback time?  Damn you John!  Who made you my judge?  Not a judgment?  Just the facts, man?  The plain truth?  Of COURSE I've heard of the PLAIN TRUTH, John!  I invented it!!!  

"Burp!  Not bad pork chops, John.  At least the shrimp salad was fresh.  Nothing worse than stale shrimp.  Whatda ya mean, I should know that for a fact?  I just don't get it John.   John?  Where the hell did he go?  One minute he's here and the next... he's laying in the tulip patch again, flattening the tulips.  Tiny Tim is going to have a fit!  John?  Stop laughing John!!  You shouldn't laugh on a full stomach... John?  Damn fool is going to explode if he doesn't stop his hysterics!  I don't have a clue what’s so funny.  Hey Joe?  What’s he laughing about?  Stale shrimp?  Go look in the mirror? 

"I wish Herman and Stanley were here with me and I wouldn't even mind listening to that damn Gerald... well, almost.  These holy rollers are making me crazy!  Now I have to pay for the pork chops!  And no tithe money coming in anymore... how do they expect me to keep up this generosity?  It goes against my spirit!  Not to mention my pocket book.  Maybe I'll have to see if Loma will cook for me from now on... then I wouldn't have to foot the bill... Oh hi there, Loma.  Who's that man with you?  Your boyfriend?  How DARE you betray our marriage vows, woman?  Don't you know I AM YOUR HUSBAND?  Whatda ya mean NOT ANY MORE?  Whatda ya mean 'till death do us part' and we are now 'parted'?  I was just going to come over for lunch tomorrow so we could visit... Not interested in seeing me anymore?  Too difficult to come to THIS LEVEL?  Not YOU TOO??? Lowered yourself to come here...  Yeah, yeah, yeah.... VIBRATION... NOT INTEGRITY!!! Damn it!  No damn respect.  I don't get no respect. And now my WIFE has a new boyfriend!  Damn women!!!  Daughters of EVE!!!!  Whatda ya mean what about all the WOMEN I had after you came here?  Loma, I would never betray you... You KNOW that... Whatda ya mean I'm full of bullshit?  My middle name is bullshit???  Shit.  That’s even worse than warthog...”  

to be continuted...  

Chapter 22 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000  

"Damn WOMEN!!!  Can't use them HERE!  Too Damned smart!!!  I'll have to see who I can con into padding my wallet... No damn privacy either... Who are you?  How come there are so many of you women here?  Whatda ya want with me?  Oh, so you're the widows from the Worldwide Church of God... yeah... so whatda ya want?  Came here to confront me about exploiting you for all your money?  Took what little you had away, and then squandered it? Yeah, so?  What's your point, ladies?  I wasn't the one who signed over your property to the church... had my ministers do that.  Talk to them, not ME.  Not interested in talking to them... they were taking orders from me... oh... just taking orders, heh, heh, heh... trained them well, did I?  Heh, heh... yeah, so the Bible says we should leave an inheritance to our children, and you think I stole their inheritance?  Stole their childhoods too?  Promoted child abuse?  

"Hey, get off it, ladies!  You KNOW I'm God's apostle and that you are subjected to HIS LAW!!! And if THAT LAW says that you are to GIVE EVERYTHING you own to HIS CHURCH, then you must OBEY!!!!  So you OBEYED God's law.  What does that have to do with me?  Not God's law?  Herbert W. Armstrong's LAW?  Heh, heh...  Worked, didn't it?  And TAKE OFF THAT LIPSTICK!!!  You look like a WHORE!!!  Mother of HARLOTS!!!  Jezebel!!!  Another FALSE LAW?  Heh, heh... the old hag!  She thinks a little lipstick is going to make her look decent... what a dope.  What a dumb sheep!  Makes my day!!  All these stupid women JUMP when I speak... heh, heh.  I really ENJOY THAT!!!  Makes me feel POWERFUL... was starting to feel dejected... now I've had my 'fix' for the day... heh heh...  

"Whatda ya mean APOLOGIZE?  To whom?  Those women?  You've got to be KIDDING, Jesus Christ!!!  I'm not the least bit sorry.  I will be eventually and will WANT TO MAKE AMENDS to EVERYONE I OFFENDED?  Sure, J.C.  Sure...  heh, heh... Whatever you say, J.C. ... fat chance.. heh heh...  

"You're going to enroll me in a film series?  Oh, just the films of the families I broke up with my stupid doctrines?  Oh, this ought to be good... turned husbands and wives against each other?  Created a mini-cult in every household?  Set the men up to be little tin gods like me and rule over their wives and children mercilessly?  Yeah... so what's your point?  Gave men license to abuse their families?  Children and wives were subjected to physical, spiritual, and emotional abuses because of me?  So you telling me that it is NOT appropriate for a man to RULE HIS ROOST?  Oh, so that's EXACTLY what you're telling me, that it is not acceptable for men to dominate women?  The PATRIARCHY IS DEAD?  Long live the Shekinah?  HER AGAIN?  Do I have to listen about HER?  I can't stand it!!!  I just CAN'T STAND IT!!!  

"My doctrines forbidding divorce forced women to stay in abusive marriages and there was no escape for them or their children?  So?  They didn't deserve to have it any better, the damn whores!  Not whores?  Gotta change my attitude?  Women are created in the image and likeness of God, just as men are?  God androgynous??  Both male and female aspects are Godly?  I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!  I CAN'T LISTEN ANYMORE!!!  LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!  

"I'm not leaving?  Have nowhere to go?  Jet was SOLD?  Guess who got the money?  Lives high off the hog, just like I did?  Had a "good" teacher!  Both me and Joe?  Where is Joe, anyway?  Maybe we can go to supper.  Hey, Joe... where are you?  Won't answer?  On a mission back to earth to try to influence him?  Fat chance, you say?  A chip off the old block?  

"All I wanna do is take a little trip... maybe to Thailand, or Taiwan... like those little Asian women because they're so submissive... but no, can't have my jet... says its gone... sold... I just don't like it here... so many people bugging me... have to pay my own way... take responsibility J.C. says... Never did that before... don't want to now... wish I had a Jack Daniels... just wish I....  Pity pot?  You again?  Telling me I need a meeting?  Where's the meeting?  In the basement of Ambassador Auditorium?  Just kidding?  Not FUNNY!!! Not funny at all Bill.  You'll take me there if I promise to behave myself?  Oh, I suppose I'll go.  Nothing to do here anyway except listen to these damn women whine!  

"Powerless?  Me?  Powerless over ALCOHOL?  First step?  LAST STEP folks!!!  I'm outta here!!!  I AM NOT POWERLESS!!!!  I have ABSOLUTE CONTROL!!!  I am GOD'S APOSTLE!!!  I HAVE ALL THE POWER!!!  

"Whatda ya mean Jesus Christ, that I'm a pitiful little impotent man?  I am NOT IMPOTENT!!  Remember, J.C. I had implants to insure that I was NOT IMPOTENT!!!  You're not talking about sexual impotency?  What other kind of impotency is there?  I have no POWER here?  Can't push my way around like I did throughout my life on earth?  Have to break my EGO?  My EGO runs ME?  Has absolute control over ME?  I am POWERLESS and ADDICTED to power and control, among other things?  Whatever a person is addicted to in their lifetime on earth, they carry over and have to deal with it here?  I have many addictions I will have to overcome?  So tell me, Jesus Christ, what are MY addictions?  

"Had to ask, didn't I... Says I'm addicted to alcohol, sex, my penis, religion, the Bible, totalitarianism, dictatorship, power, money, wealth, material possessions, women... damn women..., authority wielding, and writing booklets, to name a few things.  Says that here I don't have access to a typewriter, so I can't pollute this plane with my prolific writings... doesn't appreciate my twisting the scriptures to say what I wanted them to say... even if they misquoted him... it was closer to what he said than what I said he said...  

"Stewing?  Who's asking?  Oh it’s the Rooster... Look out or I'll throw you in the stew pot, heh, heh... Having another nightmare?  You're glad J.C. is putting the TRUTH in my face and confronting me with it?  It’s your job to CROW and wake people up, but in my case it'll take more than a ROOSTER?  The BIG GUNS?  Jesus Christ has his hands full?  There really is NO ESCAPE?... is there?”  

to be continued…

Chapter 23 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000  

"IDOLATRY?  Whatda ya mean I am the EPITOME of IDOLATRY?  That I set people up to worship ME instead of God?  That I transferred their worship, love and devotion from God to myself, and then abused the hell out of them?  Used this position of authority AS GOD to beat the hell out of them spiritually.  Spiritually RAPED them, like I raped my daughter!?  Have to throw THAT in my face again too, don't you, Jesus Christ?  Because you want me to admit to my insidious behavior?  Because I seduced all of my followers?  Because I had incest with all of my followers by setting myself up as 'the father' God figure, and then raping the hell out of all of them, and exploiting them to the fullest?  By putting myself in the position of authority I became their 'god' and they dutifully snapped into submission through my use of mind control techniques developed by the Nazis... yeah, yeah, yeah, heard this all before, J.C., so are you trying to make a new point?  

"So you're telling me that by hiding behind closed doors and lying about the rape of my daughter when the hotel manager heard her cries for help, and telling him that my 'bride' was a bit shy, is like I'm doing now, hiding behind my delusions, refusing to face the TRUTH of my activities as Pastor General and Founder of the Worldwide Church of God?  That I am in CONTEMPT for using God's name, for claiming my 'church' was a real church of God, and being "GOD" to all these people, I am guilty of idolatry in the worst sense of the word, plus I'm guilty of seduction, rape and betrayal of all of my followers?  You're serious, J.C.?  Oh, DAMNED SERIOUS!  

"No laughing matter?  God takes issue with anyone who deceives his 'little ones'?  Those dumb sheep you're talking about now, right?  Shut up?  Now, now, J.C.... watch your manners!!!  Your patience is wearing thin?  And you think mine isn't?  ...for once I don't matter?  For once my EGO is being FORCED to listen... for once all of CREATION is going to learn about me and my TRUE CHARACTER... OR LACK THEREOF?  

"Once and FOR ALL TIME?  The likes of me is going to be exposed?  And those like me?  My evangelists?  Ministers?  Deacons?  Many of them were just on power trips like me?  So tell me something I don't know... I used to see them squirm when they thought I was displeased with them... used to like to watch them grovel for their positions...and kiss ass for every minute promotion up the ladder... STOP REMINISCING ?  Not something to take pride in?  

"You're giving David Robinson a promotion here for writing that book, "Herbert Armstrong's Tangled Web"?  Deserves a promotion for telling it like it is?  Exposes some of my cronies too?  Yeah, I knew that.  Had it banned in Tulsa, remember?  Oh, you DO remember!  Public information now... everybody should read it?  You would like to promote it as much as I promoted the book, "Babylon Mystery Religion" by Ralph Woodrow in order to destroy people's beliefs in standard Christian holy days and holidays... heh, heh... worked!  Didn't it!!!  Not wrong to expose TRUTH in ANY form.  Woodrow's book a terrific example of exposing origins of FALICIES?  You saying you approve, J.C.?  You approve of TRUTH.  JUST THE FACTS, oh I see... You approve of Woodrow's book, but NOT how I used it to twist everything?  I took away the myth people believed about the origins of the Christian religion and then replaced them with even more absurd dogma... yeah, so what's your point?  Exasperated?  You, J.C. are becoming exasperated?  NOT BECOMING... already frustrated beyond... the call of duty?  Guess you and I are not compatible?  Huh, J.C.  Where'd he go?  On vacation?  Just like THAT???   

"And who -- prey tell -- are you?  The BIG BAD WOLF?  Names aren't important here?  Have work to do?  You're going to show me the category I fall into, in the book of life?  Right up there with Jim Jones, David Koresh, to name a few... not very popular?  Others like me still on earth... Jim Bakker, Tammy Faye the queen of eye make-up Bakker, and the list goes on and on... so?  What's your point, "what's your name"?  Oh, your point is that FALSEHOODS created in the name of religion, in the name of GOD are in fact an ABOMINATION to the REAL GOD... and only God is capable of purity in TRUTH and has dispersed the TRUTH throughout the ages to ALL of creation?  Just here on earth MEN got so egotistical as to replace God's truth with their own and make a total mockery out of it all... So You're telling me that SPIRITUALITY  has NOTHING to do with most of the world's religions?  They are basically man made rules?  Some reflect some of God's truth, but many are made up of the LAWS OF MEN... yeah... I figured that out in my six month in-depth study of the Bible at the library back in the days when I was just getting started... right after the mud pack era... Oh you're not interested in hearing about me selling mud as a beauty product for women's vanity to be nurtured?  Oh... heh heh... I thought it was a great idea!! Shut up?  

"You're telling me that true spirituality can be found in simplicity like the twelve steps Bill W. created in his Alcoholics Anonymous program?  So what are those steps, "what's your name"?  Yeah... I really want to hear them!  To see if I could have done a better job of creating God's one true church on planet earth... Pay attention?  Stop my delusions?  NOT

God's true church?  Listen for a change?  Admitted we were powerless?  Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity?  Turn our lives over to God? Made a searching and fearless MORAL INVENTORY of OURSELVES?  Admitted to God, self and another the exact nature of our wrongs?  Ready to remove these defects of character? HUMBLY???? asked God to remove our shortcomings?  You've GOT to be KIDDING!!!  Ha ha!!!  NOT KIDDING?  Shut UP?  Ok.  I'll listen... Made a list of ALL PERSONS we had harmed and became willing to make amends?  Not a long enough bolt in the whole industry of paper making to make a list long enough for my list of people I've harmed?  Yeah, yeah, yeah.... so what else?  Make amends to them all?  Keep taking personal inventory and ADMIT when we are wrong?  Fat chance, bub!  Fat chance I'll ever admit to anything!!!  Shut UP?  Oh... I forgot... heh, heh... Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God... as we understood HIM... see what did I tell you, bub, GOD IS A HIM... even in this SPIRITUAL program ... heh heh...Shut up or you'll get the duck tape...  Ok...what's the rest?  Pray ONLY for HIS WILL for us and the power to carry that out?  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, carry this message and practice these principles?  Whew!  What an order!!!”  

to be continued...


Chapter 24 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000  

"So here I am under the bed with the REAL dust bunnies!  No way am I going to anymore of those damned meetings!  No way am I going to get SPIRITUAL!  No way am I going to admit to being POWERLESS!!!!  IAM NOT POWERLESS!!! I AM HERBERT W. ARMSTRONG, GOD'S ONE AND ONLY 20TH CENTURY APOSTLE!!!  Whatda ya mean its not the 20th century anymore?  Ancient history?  Have I been here THAT long?  Long enough to have begun to accept the changes I'm expected to make here?  Not doing so well? So who says?  Oh, YOU AGAIN, Jesus Christ!!  By now I should recognize your voice, but I'm too preoccupied with myself to observe other people?  So here we go again?  Another damned meeting?  Other plans for today?  Time to visit earth?  And other realms? Oh boy, I can hardly wait!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

"Where are we, J.C.?  Whatda ya mean this USED TO BE Ambassador College Campus?  Whatda ya mean this USED TO BE Ambassador Auditorium?  Times have changed?  No longer associated with the Worldwide Church of God?  Where are we now, J.C.?  This doesn't look familiar? Who are those people, J.C.?  Followers of Gerald’s?  They still worship the ground I walked on?  Hey, man, THAT'S GREAT!!!  Not great?  Still deceived?  Still worshipping in vain?  Oppressed people?  Can't wear make-up?  Can't go to doctors?  Still living in the time-warp I created?  Still responsible for all of them?  Who me?  You're holding me responsible even though I'm NOT THEIR PASTOR GENERAL?  Oh, you are...  

"Do I know what happens to people from living under this kind of oppression?  No.  Can't say that I ever gave it a thought, J.C.  No doubt you're going to tell me, huh?  By making them focus on "The World Tomorrow" instead of today, they lose their will to live?  Their bodies become diseased?  Tomorrow never comes, and they are not living a healthy life, 'one day at a time'...?  Instead of being present in the moment, they are 'enduring 'till the end' like I commanded them to do?  Enduring is not a healthy way to live?  Bare survival mode? Extreme stress?  Causes them to wear out... live a miserable existence?  And when they find out it was all a hoax it gets worse?  Disillusionment causes them to lose hope?  Hopelessness causes depression?  Hopeless helplessness causes despair?  I've rendered them hopeless and helpless?  You calling me responsible for all their woes?  Aren't they on their pity pots, J.C.?  

"Boy, was HE ever PISSED OFF AT ME!!!!  Can't even ask a simple question and he gets mad!  How come people can tell me I'm on MY pity pot when I'm feeling sorry for myself, but when somebody else does it, it’s all MY FAULT?  It’s not FAIR!!!  It’s just NOT FAIR!!!  

"Oh, you're BACK!  J.C.!  Not your favorite assignment?  You mean you take orders too?  Heh, heh... Time for us to go out for supper?  Hey, that's great!  I'm starving!  All that reminiscing makes me hungry!  This is a great place to eat!!!  John Trechak took me here a few times.  Great pork chops!  Sure I'll have some more.  Mmmmmm these are good!  Do I want to sprinkle on some pepper?  Pepper you ask?  What the hell do I want with more damn pepper?  I suppose you want me to sit here and sort it out from all the fly shit!! I can't stand it!!  I just can't stand it!!  Oh... this is already sorted?  Just asked if I liked flavoring on my pork chops?  Nothing to go ballistic about?  Stop laughing.  Damn it, stop laughing!!!  

"Something you want to talk to me about?  Now what?  Free will... huh?  So what about it, J.C.?  God gave us all free will as a gift?  We are to treasure this gift?  Yeah?  So?  By my dictatorship as Pastor General of the Worldwide Church of God I  implicitly told people WHAT  TO  THINK, depriving them of their ability TO THINK?  Oh?  So what's your point, J.C.?  Your POINT is that I deprived them of their God-given gift of free will?  Don't you mean they gave me their wills, J.C.?  No?  By my constant demands to adhere to my doctrines, I essentially took away their ability to think for themselves and made them dependant on me and my ministry, like little children?  Yeah, so that was the whole idea, J.C., to get them to SUBMIT!  By doing so, I deprived them of a gift God gave to them, and now I'm responsible for all the misery their subjugation caused?  Broke their spirit?  Broke their will?  Trained them like Pavlov's dogs?  Yeah... they did salivate when I talked about how great it was going to be in the world tomorrow!!!  Really got them going!!!  

"Do I know what happened to Pavlov's dogs when he changed the rules?  Sure, some of them went berserk!  So what's your point, J.C.?  When I changed my doctrines back and forth like the make-up doctrine, on again, off again, I created chaos and cognitive dissonance?  What the hell is cognitive dissonance???  Its psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs held simultaneously... according to Webster's dictionary???  Yeah, so I told them that psychology of this world was NOT  God's way and forbid them to go to psychologists!  That's another matter altogether?  Cognitive dissonance caused constant inner conflict?  Do this, don't do that...yeah?  So?  So many DOs and so many DON'Ts jam up their brain's computer program?  Conflicting messages?  Stifles them completely?  Shuts them down eventually?  Some go crazy... some just SNAP?  Some walk around like zombies... like Joe's wife?  Oh... Now I get it, J.C. Damned if you do!  Damned if you don't!  Something like that?  

"Do I realize the severity of all this?  All WHAT, J.C.?  Do I realize how many thousands of people both living on earth and on the other side that are still dealing with the effects of the mind control that I inflicted upon them?  Many will go to their grave never being able to recover?  And even once they are here, they will have to be re-educated and healed of their afflictions?  Some are still asleep, believing that they have to sleep when they come here, for a thousand years, while they wait for YOU to return to earth?  They bought all that, did they, J.C.?  They're sleeping?  Where?  Oh... I see some of them in that dormitory... looks like angels ministering to them, watching over them.  Boy they really look angelic!!  I always told my followers that all spirit beings were demons!  Those angels don't look like demons!  They're not?  Nursing the injured spirits?  Soothing their miseries?  Gently helping them to wake up from their sleep, so they can move on?  Their disillusionment is difficult sometimes because they believed I was going to be there to help them set up God's kingdom after the resurrection, and they look for me?  But, I'm here, J.C.!  What about that?  I can't GET TO THEM?  Can only see the damage I've done?  Oh...” 

to be continued...

Chapter 25 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000  

"So you're telling me, J.C. that I left them bruised and bleeding, brow beaten and robbed of their life-giving spirit... Huh?  A pretty big accusation, J.C., even for you!!  Not an accusation?  Only a matter of fact?  The TRUTH   I S  THE TRUTH!!!  Yeah, that's what I used to say!!!  But I called it the PLAIN TRUTH!!!  Shut UP?  Boy, are you in a BAD MOOD!!!  I ain't seen nothin' yet?  Geeeeeze already, J.C.!!  

"Yeah, I told them they couldn't go to 'worldly' psychologists or psychiatrists!!!  That's what the ministry was for, to go to them for whatever problems they had!!!  Didn't train the ministry for that?  Of course not!  They were trained to handle problems with interrogation to get at the root of the SIN!!!  You KNOW, J.C. that the WAGES of SIN.... A bunch of bullshit?  How can you say that?  Truth?  So you're telling me that sin is OK?  Oh that's NOT what you meant?  Sin is the wrong terminology?  Huh?  Now what the hell are you talking about?  You're confusing me!!!  Any time a person breaks a physical law or spiritual law, it creates a result?  Yeah... that's what I told 'em... REALLY!!!  But you're saying that this means to maintain good health one must eat the healthy foods... to maintain mental health one must live in a healthy environment... to maintain spiritual health one must be in close personal communication with God... NOT A MIDDLE MAN?  So NOW I'M A MIDDLE MAN????  Not a middle man?  A middle man would be someone who was a liaison, a go-between?  I was an IMPOSTER? Put myself in place of God? Set myself up as total authority AS IF I was God... yeah, so what's your point, J.C.?  

"Your point is that because of my interrogations, harangues, and assaults on people, that I caused them to SNAP and become totally dependant upon me and my ministers?  Yeah... that was the whole idea, J.C.  Break them down!  Get rid of their rebelliousness!  Whatda ya mean there is a difference between rebelliousness and free God-given will?  God did not require them to be absolutely submissive... so why should I think I could do that?  Because how else would I get them to OBEY ME?  Your  whole point is that I was WRONG to demand their obedience?  Oh... I get the point.  

"First time for everything?  No business getting between people and God?  An abomination to God.  She's really pissed????  She who?  She God?  Damn!  I don't like the sound of this, J.C.  I usurped God's place thinking he was a he, and now you're telling me she is a she?  Stop laughing!!! Damn it!!! Stop laughing, J.C.  It isn't one bit funny, you sigging a SHE-GOD on me!  

"What the hell are you doing here again, John Trechak?  Stop laughing at me!  Came to relieve Jesus Christ of his duties, so he can take a break to get his batteries recharged?  Oh, so now I have to put up with your miserable sense of humor too?  I'm sick and tired of J.C. and his damn SHE-GOD and so now he brings you back to haunt me some more!  Damn it!!!  All I want to do is find my jet and get the hell outta here!  This damn place is giving me a complex!!!  Stop deluding myself?  No jet here...!  Yeah, I know!!!  I'd be back on earth in a heart beat if I could escape!!!  Yeah, I've already been told by some freaky hippy that THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!!  And J.C. has seen to it that I get to see all of the miserable dumb sheep brethren that I screwed one way or another... I'm sick of it all... sick of it all... dammit John, isn't there anything else I can do or place to go where I can distract myself from all this hell?  I shouldda thought of that a long time ago?  So now you're my conscience, John?  Just tellin' the truth... yeah, yeah, yeah...  

"NO!!!  I don't want to go to any damn meetings!  I don't want to be here! I don't want YOU around!  I don't want...  Whatda ya mean what I WANT doesn't matter anymore?  Yes it does, John.  It matters a LOT.  Not to anyone but me??  Here it doesn't matter?  All that matters here is GOD'S WILL?  Oh shit.  

"Whatda ya mean that for the first time in my miserable life I have to STOP and LEARN SOMETHING from other people, including YOU!!!???  You've volunteered to help me because you KNOW ALL ABOUT ME from investigating me for the Ambassador Report all those years?  Well, what are you looking for, a medal?  No reward?  Just would like to see some change for the better?  Won't hold your breath?  

"So now you want to remind me of some more crap that I pulled?  Wouldn't put it THAT way?  Whatda ya mean it was bad enough what I did to the adults, by misleading them, but a thousand times worse for the children?  Because they never had a basis of REALITY to go back to?  Grew up on MISINFORMATION?  Their foundation was not established before they were inundated with my bullshit?  So their foundation is made of BULLSHIT? As a result they grow up abused, battered children, broken in spirit?  So, John, isn't that the point?  To break their spirit so they'll obey?  Not what God intended?  God intended the human spirit to flourish?  Love, guidance, and an abundance of positive attention builds healthy self-esteem in children??  Worldwide church of God children grow up with low self-esteem, broken spirits, a hole in their soul that leads to addictions and a lifetime of trying to fill the insatiable void?  So isn't that normal, John?  John?  Whatda you blubbering about John?  What a sap!  Tears running down your face like a damn fool!!!  

"What the hell do you mean that EMOTIONS are a GOD-GIVEN GIFT?  Are you TOTALLY CRAZY,  John?  Go check out the book of Genesis?  In their image created he them?  Made in the image and likeness of God, including emotions?  NO SHIT, John!  You believe it’s ok for MEN to be emotional?  It is obviously a WOMAN'S WEAKNESS that she is EMOTIONAL!!  I spent my entire career preaching how weak those emotional women are, and now you’re telling me MEN can cry?  You're NUTS, John.  Just plain nuts!!!  What a damn wimp.  Crying like a baby!  Here's my handkerchief!  Mop up your damn tears!!!

Whatda ya mean, GO TO HELL???  John?  John?  Where the hell did he disappear to? Oh the hell with him!  I'm sick of him and his self-righteous attitude!  I'm hungry.  Time for some scrumptious pork chops!  Yum... yum!!!”  

to be continued...


Chapter 26 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000  

"Mmmmmmm!!!!  Sure love those pork chops!!!  I can hardly believe that my followers actually lived according to the Levitical 23 law of clean meats all those years while I enjoyed my delicious pork chops!  They never knew I went out dancing on Friday nights either because they were all home keeping the 'Sabbath' from sundown to sundown, heh heh... funny they never wondered why I didn't make them keep ALL the Jewish holy days... heh heh... like Purim.  Didn't figure I could get them to pay their holy day offerings for the commemoration of delivering the Jews from being massacred by Haman, since after all, MINE was a Christian church, NOT a Jewish church.  Oh well... I managed to have enough holy days to collect lots of offerings anyway.  Yeah, it was a good plan I had... I could advertise the FREE LITERATURE to the whole world and tell them I'd never require money from the public, and all the while squeeze the pockets and pocket books of all my devotees... heh, heh...  worked like a charm...  

"Whatda ya mean interesting line of thought, Jesus Christ?  EVESdropping on ME AGAIN I see!!  Don't I get ANY privacy here?  I don't?  Every thought?  Every word?  Censored!!?  Damn!  Can't even talk to myself anymore without getting in trouble!  Not in trouble?  You already knew all about how I used the Jewish holy days to exploit innocent people who were seeking to do God's will?  Just misguided folks, most of them... yeah.  Except for the ones like me?  You mean to say there are others LIKE ME?  I taught them well?  Created a whole lots of big ripples?  Oh yeah.  I remember.  We talked about this before.  So now what, J.C.?  Do I get to do some fun stuff?  I don't?  Had my fun on earth?  Now its time to repent for REAL?  You serious?  You really are serious, J.C.?  I can start by apologizing to John Trechak for being so callous when he began to cry?  After all the shit he has reported on me you expect me to apologize for one little incident?  You do?  John was following the dictates of his heart to expose me and my lies, when all I was doing was insulting him for having feelings and hurting for my victims?  Geezeeeee, J.C.  Whatda ya mean I even chastised my 'brethren' for saying "Geeze" or any reference to you?  Yeah, so what?  Take my own advise?  That or shut up?  

"You're going to take me on a little journey?  Can we go on my jet?  Don't have a jet anymore?  This time we fly by the seat of our pants?  Just go in spirit... invisible... no one will see us?  Oh they will see us? Wow... like ghosts?  Really?  This sounds like FUN!!!  Where are we?  Oh, back on earth... who are these people?  Hey, J.C., they're real ghosts!  Are we going to be ghost bustin'?  Not a game!  Shut up and listen?  Discarnate spirits?  Never heard that term before... demons?  Not demons!!!?  People who don't realize they are dead?  Wow, never heard of such a thing before!  Some of these people were in the Worldwide Church of God and were so afraid to die because they thought they would be oblivious in the grave that they were afraid to go to the LIGHT when they died?  What the hell does THAT mean?  What IS the LIGHT?  Didn't I EVER read the Bible?  You, J.C., are the LIGHT?  That part was TRUE?  Oh.  So these people wander around earth, not believing they're dead, and are stuck between planes?  Oh.  I'm supposed to go talk to them and tell them it’s ok to go to the light, that they won't have to sleep in oblivion for a thousand years?  Me?  Talk to GHOSTS?   S*H*I*T   N*O!!!!    S*H*I*T   Y*E*S  you say?  Oh Shit!!!  

"Greetings to you in the name of Jesus Christ, brethren, my name is Herbert W. Armstrong and I'm here to...  how does that sound, J.C?  It'll do?  Oh, for once I did something right?  For once I found a "gentle" way to break the news to someone... the plain truth... oh, had to get that little dig in, huh?  Shut up and get to work?  Ok already....  Greetings....blah blah blah.... I'm here to inform you that you're dead and it’s ok to go to the light because the light is Jesus Christ and he'll lead you to the other side where you won't be asleep for a thousand years like I preached.  Don't believe I'm HIM?  Too SHORT?  Too FAT?  Too OLD?  TOO NICE?  Now whatda I do, J.C.?  Keep talking?  Had enough practice to squirm myself in and out of many fiascos, this should be a piece of cake?  Yeah yeah...  Yeah, I'm really him, brethren.  I died and ended up on the other side and found out I was still alive and not in the first resurrection and here I am trying to make amends... Confusing you?  What the hell is the other side?  All DEMONS there?  Boy... I guess I did really confuse them, J.C.  They don't believe me now.  

"Try to word my spiel with a little more finesse?  Ask them if they'd like to reunite with their loved ones who have died?  Ask them if they would like to meet you, J.C.?  Ask them if they ever had a pet that died that they'd like to see again?  Huh?  You NUTS?  Pets survive death too?  NO SHIT!?  Ok, let’s see how I can do...  Hi folks... remember me?  You do, huh? Never saw me in person but watched 'The World Tomorrow' program faithfully, read the 'Plain Truth', paid your tithes and holy day offerings... tried to endure to the end... so folks, would you like to come with me and meet Jesus Christ?  You want to know, is this the millennium?  Well, yes and no... more yes than no... It’s the year 2000 and... NO Jesus didn't come back yet... well he's here... but he's not exactly BACK... confused?  I'll try to explain... if we go towards that bright light over there, we'll meet up with Jesus Christ and he'll give you the details... and by the way would you like to see your deceased relatives and maybe your cat or dog?  NO I AM NOT A CRAZED DEMON!!!  Wouldn't follow me anywhere?  Imposter?  Don't even look like Herbert W. Armstrong?  He wore expensive suits, not a ratty bathrobe?  Get lost?  

"Well, there you have it, Jesus Christ!  Nobody believes me!!!  You'll give it a try and I should watch?  Ok... I'll watch... this autta be good...  

Oh my GOD!  They're shrieking and running away!!!  Screaming DEMON at Jesus Christ!!!  I can't BELIEVE it!!!  They're TERRIFIED!!!!  He's trying to explain to them who he IS, but they THINK HE'S A DEMON or SATAN THE DEVIL!!!!!!!  Jesus is CRYING...  NO HE'S SOBBING!!!  What's happening?  Who are those people???? Oh its Buddha, Mohammad, Mary Magdalene, his mother Mary and they are surrounding him and blending in with him... WOW... They are RADIATING BRILLIANT COLORED LIGHT!!!!  AWESOME!!!!  I can feel the warmth from their light!!!  They are escorting him away....  they're gone...  everybody's gone...  I'm here alone...”

To Be Continued… 

Chapter 27 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c)2000

"Wow!  Was THAT something!  I never saw anything LIKE it!!! Now whatda I do?  Hey, you guys... Brethren... please... listen to me!  I was telling the truth... the real truth... Nobody will listen... they're still running away and hiding.  All because they think I'm some kind of demon.  Who are YOU?  My spirit guide?  My guardian angel who spent my whole life with me on earth... UNTIL you resigned in frustration. Oh.  I never really believed in that guardian stuff.  Doesn't matter?  Truth is the truth even if nobody believes it.  Difference between beliefs and truths?  Oh.  Where are we going?  Back to the other side?  Oh, good.  Its rather disheartening here, if I do say so myself!


"What place is this?  Just wait here and Jesus Christ will be coming to spend some time here with me?  As soon as he feels up to it? He has some special assignment for me?  Books he wants me to read before I can leave here?  No leaving until I'm finished reading them?  ALL of them?  How many is ALL OF THEM?  About 18?  How the hell can I read 18 books?  Made people read a hell of a lot more of MY STUPID BOOKS!!  Yeah, so?  Drop the attitude?  No more patience with me?  Jesus is coming?


"Greetings to you in the name of... uh...huh... kinduv a habit, J.C. speakin' in your name and all... best to pay attention while you can speak civil to me? Running low on patience?  So, what's up, Doc?  CAN the attitude?  Show some respect?  Yeah, yeah, J.C., what's it this time you want me to do.  That guide guy told me you want me to read some books... 18 of 'em.  How the hell am I going to read 18 books?  Start with the children's book?  "Mountains, Meadows and Moonbeams"?  Has all the basics in it that I need to learn?  The truth?  The plain truth, no pun intended, huh?  Plain and simple... Written by someone NEAR and DEAR to your heart?  She's still on planet earth, writing the books you want her to write... No? Books GOD wants her to write... you're only the messenger... So is she... doing what is hers to do... Oh, I see. Another FEMALE author! Huh? So who wrote these books?  Her name is Mary Summer Rain?  Never heard of her, J.C.  I'll get to know her by reading her books?  Oh.  No choice?  Always a choice... oh good... let me outa here!  Not until I've read the books?  Choice is mine how soon I want to leave... AFTER I've read them?  Oh.


"I have to read them in the order you tell me?  Reason for this?  Get the basics first, the bigger stuff as I go along... Can't handle the heavy-duty truth until I understand the little things like are in this kid's book... Another kids book then... What's the name of that?  "Star Babies"?  About astronomy?  Not exactly... oh.  Book of origins.  Hummm... The next one is "Spirit Song", then "Phoenix Rising", then "Dreamwalker" and then "Phantoms Afoot"?  Sound strange to me... what are they all about?  Basic truths given to all mankind that have been lost and forgotten... oh.  Explains all these ghostly things, huh, Doc?  You're not "Doc" and wish to be called by your name.  Ok, ok Jesus Christ.  I was only being playful.  No time to play now?  Days of playing are behind me for awhile?  Read or no more pork chops?  That's not fair, J.C.  Just not fair!!!  It is fair?  Only way to convince me to do something is reward me like a little kid?  Thanks a heap, J.C.  Yeah, yeah.... I'll read!

"Wow!!!  This 'mountain' book tells how people travel in their spirit while they dream... just like all those who came here to visit me in their nightmares!  Wow!  This is going to be interesting!  Wish I had some pop corn to munch on while I read!  Oh, here's a bucket of it right from the theater, huh?  Hot from the popper?  Thanks.  Hey, this is great!  Now if I had a beer... don't push my luck... huh.  Ok.. I'll settle for lemonade, J.C. since you insist!

"After I read these we'll go back and see those discarnate spirits again.  Take some helpers along who know how to do the love meld?  What the hell is a love meld?  Oh, that's what those people who came to help you, J.C., did when they were glowing?  Hum... It takes LOVE to bring discarnates to the light... lots of LOVE and I never had real love... too freaked out already when you tried to help them... yeah... I noticed that, J.C.


"You're going to bring me the stack of books now?  Read the first six and then read them all in the order they're stacked...  "Earthway", "Daybreak", "Soul Sounds", "Whispered Wisdom", "Ancient Echoes", "Bittersweet", "Mary Summer Rain's Guide to Dream Symbols", "The Visitation", "Fireside", "Eclipse", "The Singing Web", and lastly, "The Seventh Mesa".  I hope you'll be bringing me more than JUST POP CORN while I read ALL THESE!!!!  I'll have to do another SIX MONTHS IN-DEPTH STUDY!!!!  Whatda ya mean a day is as a thousand years here?  Whatda ya mean TAKE ALL THE TIME I NEED???  Plenty of pop corn on hand?  Even pork chops in the fridge?  Learn to cook, too?  THAT'S  W*o*m*e*n*s  WORK....  NOT?  Not.  Oh Shit!


"Now I have to read all these damn books.  Here I sit all by myself and I hate it.  I just hate it.  Nobody to fetch my slippers.  Nobody to run my bath water.  Nobody to listen to me whine?  At least I can whine if I WANT to... I'll WHINE whenever I want to!  I'll do whatever I WANT if I WANT TO!!! After all, I'm God's apostle!!!


"Hummm... says here that everybody has a spark of God inside them.... hummm...I suppose when the BIG BANG exploded that’s when everybody got sparked!  Heh, heh... Close to the truth?  Chips off the Great Spirit?  Not an accidental explosion?  You're back? Yeah, J.C. I've been readin' in here.  Interesting... Almost confirms some of my writings in "Mystery of the Ages"... Oh, except that Mary Summer Rain's books aren't laced with bullshit like mine?  Even her book of fiction, "Seventh Mesa" has more truth in it than any of my writings?  That's not nice to say, J.C.  Not nice at all!!!!  The truth IS the TRUTH?”


to be continued...

Chapter 28 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000

"That was GOOD pop corn!  Lemonade wasn't too bad either.  Book was really refreshing!  All kinds of things I didn't know before, exactly.  Like I had the healing stuff all screwed up.  We do have the ability to heal the physical, but we have to be shown and instructed in the right way, how to help ourselves, not go off on a guilt trip over SIN.  SIN really is just another word for disregarding the universal law of LOVE.  Self LOVE.  Loving self is taking care of self on all levels.  Hummmmmm... My way was destroying people.  The right way, is to live a healthy and balanced way on all levels...  Not too much of this or too much of that... balance... Too bad I didn't know all this stuff before, I could have...  You again, Jesus Christ! You say its better that I didn't have any more knowledge?  A little knowledge is sometimes a dangerous thing?  I'd have MISused it?  Yeah, you're probably right, I would have found a way to make MONEY on it.

"How's my reading coming?  Just finished the "mountains" book.  Great stuff.  Learned all kinds of things!  Yeah, I'd like to take a break!  Where we going?  What place is this, J.C.?  Better to ask when, not where?  Ok, so when are we.... Crossed the time line??  Went back in time?  Place is near where I lived?  Oh... So these people all lived here back before recorded history?  Pay attention to them?  They are worshipping God in true spirituality?  Following the instructions that were given to them by God's messengers?  Have a real spiritual life??  Direct communication with spirit?  All of them?  They do!?  Wow!!  Look at those lodges with all the steam coming up from them!  The lodge is the womb of Mother Earth?  That's where they go to pray and receive the answers to their prayers from spirit?  Really a foreign concept, J.C.!!!  Not foreign?  I'm the one who has foreign concepts?  I'm the one who created chaos and complicated the plain and simple truth?  Me and a whole lot of other false prophets and preachers!?


"So, J.C., you're telling me that God gave all of the people on the earth the truths in the beginning of time and over the eons it got contaminated with falsehoods and dominating people like me, saw the opportunity to control the people and enslave them so they could subjugate the people in order that they could live in luxury at the expense of others?  What's that over there?  Oh, it’s a village... Lots of children running around... happy and playing... old people too, enjoying themselves... enjoying the children... oh, and there's some young men bringing in supplies of food and giving them to the elders first, and then dividing up the rest between the families in the village... so everyone's needs are taken care of, J.C.  Is THAT your point?  One of your points... Another is that all are equally deserving... everyone has what they need... no reason why anyone on all of earth should go hungry if they had continued to live this way?  Nobody NEEDS more than they need?  Get caught up in WANTS like I did?  Want everything?  Like jet planes, fine Chinaware, jewelry...  Not wrong in itself, unless it is gotten at the expense and exploitation of others... modern society advocates stepping on anybody, everybody in order to get ahead... Not God's way?


"Unfortunately many people are not interested in living God's way... Yeah, I sure wasn't, J.C.!  You know that!  I preached the way of 'give' and that was ok, but never lived it myself... that's true.  Lots of things I preached were ok, but the bad thing was I was a hypocrite?  Too much to sort out what was ok and what was not ok?  Like picking fly shit out of pepper?  Yeah, I see what you mean.  Best to start from scratch and learn everything over again!  Like I told people they had to get rid of everything they had learned and start with a clean slate?  But then I poured spoiled wine into their emptied wine skins?  Oh, I get it!  Like the scripture says about putting new wine into old wine skins... The spoiled wine I put into their old wine skins caused them to rot from the inside out?  I should think about that?  Good analogy for what a cult like mine does to human beings?  Did YOU say CULT?  You DID!!!  Mind control, money and POWER CULT???  Just as much a CULT as ANY CULT   E*V*E*R   WAS???

"Some cults are more damaging than others, but ALL ARE DAMAGING???  All cults have some of the same common characteristics?  Not all cults have ALL the same characteristics?  So tell me, J.C., what are the common characteristics of cults?  People get isolated from others and from outside information... one persons sets themself up as the one and only source of information... like my apostleship, huh?  Yeah... and what else?  Keeping the people so busy with reading and activities within the group that they don't have many outside connections... change their eating habits... sometimes sleeping habits... demand obedience... use guilt and spiritual blackmail on them... make them think they need the cult for their salvation... their eternal life is held for ransom... called tithes or offerings or service work... make them pay and pray... boy...did I do all that?  And MORE?  Up there with the WORST of them?  LOTS of EZEKIEL 34 perpetrators like me?  Those who gather a flock and then feed THEMSELVES rather than the flock... more to it than that but an example?


"Whatda ya mean I 'conditioned' people to stop thinking for themselves and then since I was God's apostle and the only source of information they had, told them exactly what to think and believe?  Whatda ya mean I didn't allow them to ask questions?  Whatda ya mean I forced them into conformity to MY RULES?  Whatda ya mean I created massive FEAR in all my followers?  FEAR controls!!?  You mean I created a false sense of belonging to "God's one and only true church" and then could play all of my little and not so little CONTROL games on them??  Like what?  Made them dependant on me and the ministry to make all their decisions like they were little children... changed the rules so they'd stay confused and afraid in case they did something that could cause them disfellowshipment... left them no privacy... fear that their secrets revealed to the ministry would be broadcast to the brethren... demanded absolute loyalty to MYSELF, disregarding God, spouses, children, family...


I can't stand it!!!!  I just can't STAND IT!!!!  You know everything I did, Jesus Christ!  How can I hide anything from you?  You KNOW everything I ever did and everything I ever thought and now there IS NO ESCAPE, is there????  None.  I have to live with the knowledge of what I've done with the life God gave me?  And how I misused all of my LIFETIME to MANIPULATE and CONROL people for my own PERSONAL USE... Oh I hate it when you put all this in my face, Jesus Christ!  I just HATE it!!!”


To be continued...

Chapter 29 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000

"Shit!  I burnt the damn pork chops!  The popcorn too!  I'm a lousy cook!!!  I hate having to do all my own STUFF.  I wish I had my DOMESTIC HELP like before!  I wonder if I can hire a maid here... sure would make my life tolerable... and I have to read all these damn books!!!  Just wasting my time holed up here like a mole when there are places to go... things to do... babes... God!  I miss the babes!!! I wish... WHO are you luscious lips?  I mean Miss... Oh!  You're God's answer to my request?  What request?  Oh THAT one... heh, heh, heh, for babes... yeah... you're quite a dish... like some popcorn?  Don't like burnt food?  Pork chops are charred!?  Yeah, yeah... I know... my maid service quit and I'm having a hard time here... Should have learned to cook many, many lifetimes ago?  Yeah, but... But I was too busy pursuing OTHER interests...  So what's your name, uh... er... Miss?

"You've come in place of J.C. because he's on another mission?  Discuss some of what I've been reading?  Like what?  Oh, you mean that spiritual stuff in these Mary Summer Rain books!  Kinduv interesting!  Learned lots of things about paranormal abilities and various dimensional realities.  Yeah, lots more than I could distinguish before.  Called all spiritual beings DEMONS.  That's what I taught in my church.  Easier to explain everything away rather than pick the fly shit outa the pepper, you know... Oh, you DON'T know... well, that's a phrase I learned here... means discernment... Now reading these books I'm learning to discern all these various entities and states of interdimensional travel... Yeah, I see that adept people can do some really incredible stuff... Never realized this even in my six-month in depth studies of the Bible... Takes a lifetime of study and research, not just six months... not all answers are recorded in the Bible?  Yeah, I've been hearing that since I've been here... Many other valid resources to learn from... Yeah, I did limit my followers to the Bible and MYSELF as their sole resources for information... I'm not too popular here because of this?  Yeah, I'm beginning to figure that out... I may have been SOMEONE where I came from, but I'm just another tarnished soul here?  Never heard THAT description before!  I'll be hearing lots more in the days to come?


"Did I like the first four books in the No-eyes series?  Those the ones about Mary's learning from her teacher?  Yeah... not bad.  Not bad at all... the one about coming earth changes was kinduv scary though... like the tribulations in the Bible... the same you say?  Not future events?  Happening all around the globe of the earth right now?  Earth quakes, floods, weather changes, volcanoes... more of the same to come... and a rebirth of true spirituality... yeah... even after all the damages I've done, and others like me, God will cause the universal truths to prevail and religion will finally fall and crumble... yeah, interesting stuff... and the ghost busting... helping people to go to the light that are caught in between planes... like those discarnates that J.C. and I tried to bring here... showed how the love between people was necessary to extend to these unfortunates, and then with the help of their loved ones from this side, they could be convinced they were dead and finally move on instead of being stuck... yeah, some have been stuck for hundreds of years... explains lots of the ghosts stories we heard about on earth.

"Would I like to go for a walk?  Hey, sure!  Anything to get out of this place!!!  I've been so absorbed in reading these books and trying to COOK that I've lost track of time.  Time here doesn't exist?  We are experiencing ETERNITY here!!!?  That's where we're going now?  For a walk into another... WHERE ARE WE?  Alternate reality?  THIS is what COULD HAVE BEEN?  Has to do with FREE WILL?  Hey that's ME and LOMA, and those are our KIDS... Ted... Richard... Dorothy... We're sitting around the table together laughing and talking... and the grandkids are there playing... around the Christmas tree...  CHRISTMAS TREE????  WHAT THE  H*E*L*L  IS A CHRISTMAS TREE DOING IN   M*Y   HOME?  oh... yeah...  I forgot this is another reality... a possible lifetime... or parallel one?  Oh SHIT!!!  Now I AM confused.  Did I ever watch Star Trek on TV?  Sometimes the crew of the Enterprise or Voyager would experience meeting up with themselves on a parallel universe?  Yeah, so??  More truth than fiction?  Simultaneous realities IS reality???  No REAL linear time?  That's only our perception of time on earth???  Have you been DRINKING Miss...???

"NO I WAS NOT  being disrespectful!!!  NO I DID NOT SAY YOU WERE FULL OF SHIT!  But I WAS thinking it... Yeah... so you're reading my thoughts too.  Damn it!!!  I can't get away with ANYTHING here!  Damn dame comes here with all this bullshit cramming it down my throat, and I can't even THINK IT in my head and she reads my MIND and CALLS ME ON IT!!!  Whatda ya mean if I had really READ the Bible I'd have noticed that it says "time was made for mankind" and that truth is stranger than fiction?  It SAYS THAT?  Not in so many words, but yes... God is UNLIMITED!?  I made him out to be some subservient distant tyrant in battle with an equal but  evil enemy, Satan... Yeah... so Satan IS evil!!!  Whatda ya mean Satan is the invention of the Catholic Church??? There is NO devil equal in power to God?  GOD  REALLY  I*S   A*L*L   I*N   A*L*L... think about it...???  All there is IS God?  Oh... All there IS, is God.


"Go back and read that Kaballah book?  More books?  Damn it!!  I just got finished reading six books, and now I should go re-read THAT damn book?  Not a DAMN book!!!  God's plain and simple truth!  Read it!?  Quit whining?  Back to my reading room and burnt pork chops?  Can't we go to lunch?


"Well that DAME wasn't ALL bad.  She let me come here for lunch, John.  I'm surprised to see you here, Trechak.  Like their pork chops too?  Couldn't eat any pork while in Worldwide?  Or lobster?  Or shrimp?  Or Clams?... yeah, I know I made the rules... so that's why you're having the sea food plate as a side dish?  Oh, they're for Joe Tkach?  He's holed up in some remote place reading books?  Ha ha ha ha ha!  Atta way to go, Joe!  Hey, John... did you know that BABE that escorted me here?  Just got back from a major earth mission just about the same time I got here?  Read about her in some books?  I did?  Really?”


to be continued...


Chapter 30 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000

"Whatda ya mean its time to GO BACK TO THE FUTURE?  Can't I let my pork chops settle in my stomach first?  Not REAL pork chops in my stomach?  Just an illusion?  Oh SHIT!  I can't take it anymore!!!  I just can't take it!


"Where are we, Miss?  Not where?  When..  Look around?  Oh.  This is what COULD have been had I NOT created the hideous entity I called the Worldwide Church of God?  These are the people living their lives WITHOUT my intervention?  They look happy!  Oh, there are some of the little kids I met here that died before their time... they grew to adulthood... had their own life experiences... had their chance to advance their spirit... the chance I cut short by refusing them medical attention... Their parents are happy in their homes, retired and content... have enough savings in the bank to see them through their retirement... not stripped of their futures like the reality I created by cheating them out of their money and homes?  Oh and there's me... I'm still selling mud... Only my business grew into a major corporation... an HONEST cosmetic firm that developed many excellent products to benefit people...  You mean I COULD HAVE succeeded in THAT business?  If I'd have put my energies into it like I did my pseudo-religion?

"So, Miss... does this mean that I get to go back and try again?  No?  My life as Herbert W. Armstrong was a one-time shot?  Next time I have to go back as somebody else?  Only go around once?  Same spirit inside, different costume?  New 'wine skin'...? Different parents?  Different group of people to experience?  Sometimes same groups of people..? Called Soul groups?  All have different personalities?  Never the same person twice?  I will have to review all of my lifetimes and decide what I need to accomplish, and then pick the parents that can provide that experience?  That WILL BE a FUTURE life, so to speak?  In linear time's 'future'... Oh I get it... It's time within eternity...  like a bubble of time floating in eternity?  Yeah, I got it?  Hey, that's great!  I got it!!!!


"Got what, you ask?  Who wants to know? Your name's Levi?  Do I know you?  Collected lots and lots of tithes in YOUR NAME?  Oh THAT Levi... son of Jacob who became Israel who had twelve sons?  Yeah... glad to meet you, I'm Herbe... oh you KNOW who I am!!!  Whatda ya mean that tithing was done away?  Whatda ya mean that it was established because all of the other sons of Israel were given land except the priesthood 'tribe of Levi'?  That because the priests were given no land and needed to eat too, the others were required to give one tenth of their livestock and goods...  not one tenth... not exactly???  I always thought a straight across the board tenth... Not always?  Not if they only had nine sheep or nine goats... then they didn't have to give any?  Oh.  I required people to give a tenth of everything?  Not the right thing to do when people had so little?  Robbed them of their goods?  Their food?  Their homes?  Their quality of life... because of my greed?  Yeah, I've been told that HERE... So then when the Levitical priesthood was done away with, so was TITHING!!??  Should have been the END of it?  Still used today to extort money from faithful church goers?  So I'm not the only one?  Lots more creeps out there?  Maybe I can TEACH them when they come here if I've learned enough?  Wow, THAT would be a day in history!!!  Not everything is HIStory... ???  Some day there will be HERStory told too?


"OH, SO WE'RE BACK TO THAT, ARE WE?  Gotta get those DAMNED WOMEN THEIR DUE!!!!  What ever happened to me to turn me so AGAINST women?  I dunno... I never THOUGHT about it!  I just KNOW women are the weaker sex... blah blah blah... Shut up???  Not so?  Equal?  Only physically weaker?  Mentally stronger?  Have endured more?  Have been experiencing their FEELINGS all along?  So?  What's your point, Lu lu Belle?  I don't wanna MESS with you?  You can turn me onto my feelings that I've STUFFED all of my life, and leave me a whimpering heap of EMOTIONS?  But it’s WOMEN who are the emotional ones...  blah blah blah... A bunch of bullshit???  Men who have shut down their feminine side are sick?  Macho?  Need to get therapy to address the emotions they've stuffed all their lives?  Once they get out of their HEADS and into their FEELINGS they'll be WHOLE HUMAN BEINGS???  Androgynous?  Both male and female in all of us?  Like God?  LIKE GOD IS?  DAMN!  I was trying to FORGET the SHE-God!  Nobody will let me forget!!!!

"So you're telling me that once I get outta my HEAD and CAN the logical, literal thinking, I can get outta my own way and get EMOTIONAL?  Like do you think I'm ready for the LOOOONEY BIN?  At some point, some TURNING point, I will HAVE to get in touch with my FEELINGS?  In order to progress on my spiritual mission of completion I will have to be IN MY FEELINGS????  Not so bad?  Women have been doing it for years and they're doing just fine?  Jesus Christ an excellent example of a WHOLE  being?  Lives in full acceptance of his FEELINGS?  That's why he can be angry when it occurs to him to be angry and yet cry when something touches his gentle spirit???  Was God's emissary?  One of God's chosen messengers to bring God's message to earth?  Made more out of the messenger than they did out of the message?  Message confused and distorted by RELIGION?  Original message was one of LOVE?  Brought information of spiritual realities here to bring human beings out of stifling, controlling organized religion?  Came here to set human beings FREE OF ALL THAT?  'Powers that be' refused to allow the perpetuation of HIS message, but instead made a martyr out of him... yeah, I heard that story before... Wait 'till I get to Mary Summer Rain's book, "Eclipse" and find out that she confirms what that other author,  Professor Fida Hassnain wrote about in his book, "A Search For The Historical Jesus"...? About Jesus' life span?


"And then you're giving me still ANOTHER BOOK TO READ?  Don't you think I have enough reading to do?  No?  Must read, "The Dark Side of Christian History", by Helen Ellerbe?  Oh yeah... that FEMALE author?  Jesus Christ told me about that one!!!  Why didn't I listen to him?  Just another female author, that's why!  Whatda ya mean women are just as capable of deciphering the TRUTH and recording it in print as any MAN is?  Not the LAST female author I'm required to read?  Just got started?  Oh SHIT!”


to be continued...


Chapter 31 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000

"Harrumph!!!!  Damn books.  There's just no justice!!!  Here I am holed up in this rat trap with piles and piles of books to read!!!  That's all these people have on their minds, is read, read, read!!!!  Like I've got an empty attic and have to fill it with trash!!!  What a bunch of crap!  All that nonsense about spirits and dimensions and time suspended  in eternity and ghosts and ghostbustin' an..... You again?  I thought you were on another mission, J.C.?  You're finished for the time being?  Not everyone takes as long as ME to get set on the right foot here?  Some take only a few earth hours?  Oh that time stuff, again, J.C.  It’s just drivin' me nuts!!!  You shouldda seen all the stuff everyone's been shovin' down my throat!!!  Oh... carried out your instructions?  So it’s ALL YOUR FAULT?!!!  How much did I get done?  Six of those and half a dozen of the others?  Warped sense of humor?  Another lesson?  Do I want to take a break from reading?  Hell, yes!!!  Hell, no?  Not hell?  Dammit!  Be so damn technical, J.C.  Of course I didn't mean hell -- the REAL HELL!  Just a figure of speech!!!!  So where we going?

"Oh we're off to see the WIZARD.... blah blah blah... the wonderful wizard of oz.....  yippie kai yai oh.... off we go... back in the saddle again.... blah blah blah... Quiet?  I'm getting on your nerves?  A lousy singing voice?  Can't carry a tune?  Sound like a drunken sailor?  Can't get the lyrics straight?  Mixed two songs?  Ok, ok... I'll shut up!!  Where the hell are we now?  Oh, we're here to see a demonstration?  Of how matter is created?  Watch closely?  No SCIENTIFIC PROOF YET for this?  Just beyond what scientists on earth now understand?  How the spiritual condenses into various levels of solid matter?  Like the vibrations, J.C.?  Wow!!  I'm gettin' it?  Surprises you that I came up with that analogy?  Getting the hang of things?  Hey, that's great, man, that’s just great!!!!


"So this is what science will discover through quantum physics? Called “String Theory”… Wow!! On the verge of new understanding?  Unlike MY new understanding that I conned my followers with every now and then?  This is nothing new?  Humanity will see it as a new discovery, but it has been this way as long as time has existed?  Remember 'time' is encapsulated within space, which exists within eternity...?  Ok, if you say so, J.C.


"Wow!!!  So you're telling me that spirit condenses, becomes more dense as the frequency at which it vibrates is lowered, until we come to the lowest plane of existence, which is earth, made of matter?  Wow!!!  So everything that is on earth, is really made out of spirit?  God is truly ALL in ALL?  Everything that exists is BY and OF God?  Now I see it, J.C.  This is really sumpthin'!!!!!!  Really sumpthin'...


"So where are we going to now, J.C.?  Back to the reading room?  Oh shit!  I was just getting interested in something and you tell me I have to go back and read some more?  Now I'll understand the books I'm going to be reading, because you've shown me a basic element of the universal truth?  Now I'll comprehend more of the metaphysics of Mary Summer Rains books?  Also more of what the Bible meant to say, but because of mistranslation and misinterpretation, has lost?  You mean this knowledge was known back in the Biblical days, J.C.?  It was known from the beginning of CREATION and lost along the way?  Not by everyone... just by many...?  The indigenous people of the earth retained these truths?  Aborigines of Australia... Native Americans... people who were given the continents they lived on originally and dwelled there longest, retained truths uncontaminated the longest, because it took longer for MISSIONARIES to reach them and destroy their civilizations?


"So now, J.C. are you going to tell me that Christopher Columbus WAS NOT A HERO?  Ranks right up there with Hitler and Cortez?  Stole natives of Americas and sold them into slavery?  Murdered?  Destroyed?  Plundered?  Started the whole invasion of the Americas and was as brutal to the natives as Hitler was to the Jews?  Holocaust not the first genocide?  Many massacres throughout history, of innocent people?  Because of greed?  Power?  Control?


"HIStory only reports what the conquerors want remembered?  Don't want future generations to realize how blood thirsty they were?  Cover up the real truth?  Sound familiar to me?  Whatda ya mean, sound familiar?  Oh, the part about covering up the real truth?  Yeah, yeah, yeah... so whatda ya want me to do, J.C., get down and my knees and beg for your mercy?  A good place to start?  Haaaarrumph!!!!  I walked right into THAT trap!

"I just wanna find somebody to go have lunch with, I'm hungry!!!! Whatda ya mean, is THAT all I think about, MY STOMACH?  No, actually, J.C., that isn't all I think about, but it is the ONLY VICE you'll allow me to indulge in here.  I can think of lots of things I'd rather be doing, but since you restrict my behavior... I guess I'll settle for a succulent lunch... no succulent babes here anyway!  Get my MIND off the carnal?  Isn't that what I preached?  Yeah, so what's your point?  Point well taken?  Time for a break?  Halla lu ya!!!


"So here we are at the best restaurant in town!!!!  I can hardly wait!  You going to join me, J.C.?  Got better things to do?  I'll find somebody to chat with while I stuff my face?  Not nice, J.C.  Just stating the facts, huh?  Bye.  See ya.  Oh, I'm off to see the wizard... well, well, well... who have we here?  Hi Joe.  Haven't seen you in a coon's age!  Where you been keeping yourself?  Back in the woods?  No? At a huge library?  Been doing a lot of reading, huh?  Female authors too, huh?  Sockin' it to us?  Really cuttin' through the SHIT?  Giving us the plain truth, without all the BULLSHIT???  So Joe, you enjoying reading?  More interesting than MY DAMN BOOKLETS?  THAT was uncalled for, Joe!!!  The truth, Joe?  The PLAIN TRUTH?  I'll find somebody else to CHAT with, thank you!  Hey you over there!  Let me introduce myself... blah blah blah... my name is Herbert W. Armstrong, founder and Pastor General of the Worldwide Church of God....

"Where'd he go so fast?  Dammit!!!  Nobody likes me here!”


to be continued...

Chapter 32 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000

"Get down on my knees!!!!  Yassir!!!!  I appollllloooogizzzeeee for alllll my shortcomings!!!!  I appolllloooogizzzeeeee for all my LONGcomings!!!!  I appollllooo...?  Hi dee ho ho to you too, J.C., and what brings you back to my HUMBLE spectrum ?  Interesting word choice for my "frequencies of sound waves"...?  My mega ad nauseam prolific wordiness?  Mouthful, huh, J.C.?  So what's on your mind?  Travel?  Time travel?  Back to the hay day of my earthly existence?  You heard my apology and came running in case I was serious?  Knew I was being sarcastic... Oh.  Can't fool you, can I?


"So what's the purpose behind this latest visit, J.C.?  I need to understand the severity of the impact I had on my followers?  Oh.  So sock it to me, J.C.!  Not a joke?  Pay attention and get serious?  So show me...  Oh, these people have lost their sense of who they are!  They cannot listen to their own inner voice because I've told them it was carnal and Satanic, so therefore they hold no credibility for their own instincts or  feelings... rely solely on my corrupt base of references... can no longer make their own decisions... soulless wanderers?  So when the rug was pulled out from under them either by disfellowshipment or eventually the doctrinal disintegration, they were disillusioned at such a rapid rate that they lost their bearings? Ya mean ta say that the foundation I built under them disintegrated and they fell apart???  Couldn't even pick the fly shit outta the pepper because I stole their ability for CRITICAL THINKING???  So some of them went crazy?  Some of them couldn't cope and committed suicide?  Some of them let the pieces crumble and fall to the ground... and gradually regrouped at a HIGHER level?

"So some of 'em weren't so bad off, huh, J.C.?  Some learned to rebuild their lives?  Went to professionals?  Many were very misunderstood by the professionals who had never dealt with cult related issues before?  Couldn't recognize these symptoms?  Thought the people were just nuts?  Had to spend lots of time building credibility with professionals?  Now some recognize the validity of the post-cult syndrome?  Still lots of cults and lots of misunderstanding???  Some lingering effects are not erased??  Like what, J.C.?  Trancing out at various times when watching TV or listening to lectures or radio?  THAT all?  Not all?  Lost the ability to cope with normal aspects of life? Lose ability to spell correctly?  Stutter?  Short circuits the brain in some way by overload of senses???  Triggers posttraumatic stress?  So you're holding me responsible for all this, J.C.?  Only if I admit to being the founder and original pastor general of the Worldwide Church of God?  Oh.


"Not all?  More problems caused by my cult?  Readjustments to REAL world after living under my LAWS made them NOT FIT IN with the general population?  Caused many to do things contrary to their PERSONAL INTEGRITY, so therefore they have had a difficult time forgiving themselves for their behavior while in the cult?  So, J.C., everyone knows that the 'world's a stage and each must play a part', like good ole Billy boy Shakespeare once said!!!  Only correct to a point?  The script writer is still responsible for the "play" because he is the one who tells the "players" what to say?  The director is still responsible for the "play" because he is the one who tells the "players" how to PLAY THE ROLE?  And the PLAYWRIGHT of the Worldwide Church of God IS ME?  Therefore I am RESPONSIBLE for all the actors upon my STAGE?  I STAGED quite a performance, huh?


"One of HIStory's many box office ironies?  A tragic irony???  Whatda ya mean it was a flash-in-the-pan SMASH?  Had its hay-day?  Disintegrating now like bubbles in a cold tub of water?  Down the drain?  The baby has truly been thrown out with the bath water?  Caused enough plumbing problems?  Plugged up many brains and many drains???  Getting carried away there on your analogies, aren't you, J.C.?  Haven't even begun to explain the corruptions I've caused?  Will take many more trips back here to even make an impression on me?  I'm THAT dense?  Still bogged down in my E*G*O???


"So, J.C., I thought I was making some progress?  Reading all that stuff and learning all about the REAL spiritual truths...?  Kindergarten stuff?  People like me have caused earth's people to lose their God-given facts of life?  Pukin' sick of the likes of me?  Would like to leave me off for a lengthy visit with MY CO HORTS?  Would like to bundle up the whole LOT of us and suspend us in OUTER SPACE?  Except that there's enough pollution there already?  No respect, J.C... I don't GET no respect!!!  I GET what I deserve?  Respect is something one GETS from GIVING?  Not a free gift?  Must be EARNED?


"Whatda ya mean, unlike God's gift of free will, RESPECT is a commodity that is only gained through GIVING IT FIRST!!!!????  Whatda ya mean I caused all of my followers to try to GAIN SALVATION through their own EFFORTS, disempowering GOD's REALITY of the GIFT of UNCONDITIONAL  ETERNAL LIFE, and CONNED THEM into a FALSE respect for a FALSE APOSTLE whose message was BOGUS BEYOND SANITY, much less reality???  Not nice to say, J.C.!!  Truth isn't ALWAYS NICE?  Some truth is the 'painful truth'?  I don't get no RESPECT because I don't GIVE NO RESPECT?    N*O*W   I've GOT IT?  Just the idea... NOT the respect?  Oh.

"Harrumph!!!!  Whatta buncha shit!  All I get is shit!  Whatda ya mean if I didn't eat so damn much I wouldn't get so much?  Give me a break, dammit!!!  I'm NEW HERE!  I DON'T KNOW THE ROPES, YET.  Whatda ya mean I've been here long enough to have moved on to higher planes, but my ARROGANCE, EGO, ATTITUDE and HUMAN NATURE have caused me to be STUCK in my own pile of SHIT?  Think about it???


"Now he's thrown that damn HUMAN NATURE stuff at me!!  Dammit, just because I used that on my followers all the time, now he's turning it on me!  Whatda ya mean its my KARMA????  Whatda ya mean I've earned the RIGHT to wallow in my own HUMAN NATURE same as in my own MANURE?  Whatda ya mean I've excreted a great deal of refuse?  Another word for GARBAGE?  Whatda ya mean it’s my free will choice to either stay in my shit or progress to another level of existence by my own choice?  The freedom to choose is mine?  Now I'm confused....”


to be continued...


Chapter 33  - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000

"Hopeless!!! It's just PLAIN hopeless! Nobody likes me. I don't get no respect. I can't read any more books. I can't even eat my pork chops because I burned them again. I can't cook. I can't leave this place. I don't have any friends. I miss Herman. Even Stanley. Almost miss Gerald, but not quite. I'd even settle for a visit from John Trechak... just a friendly face. But NO. J.C. says READ!!! Read those damn books. I've read... Only got one left. Can't read NO MORE. Can't even sleep. Can't do much of anything. I'm just on OVERLOAD????? Oh, it’s you J.C. You say I'm on OVERLOAD? Just a temporary state of mind YOU'VE IMPOSED upon me???? You mean YOU DID THIS O*N P*U*R*P*O*S*E??????? Made me read until I couldn't anymore? Piled all this on me until I couldn't function? HOW DARE YOU, Jesus Christ, DELIBERATELY cause me to.... You say, STOP???? Reason for all this????


"Sometimes the ONLY way to get your point across is to SHOW me??? Let me EXPERIENCE it for myself??? I'm too slow? Need to make some progress? Even Joe Tkach has earned three points since he's been here and I've been here a LOT longer and should have made some points by now??? So what INDEED are YOU trying to SHOW me??? As far as I'm concerned THIS WHOLE THING IS H*O*P*E*L*E*S*S!!!!!


"EXACTLY? What the HELL do you mean by "EXACTLY"????? You mean that I am absolutely CORRECT in stating that this whole thing is HOPELESS???? Exactly??? Now you're pissin' me off, dammit!!!! I can't READ!!! I can't THINK anymore! I can't COOK! And I can't STAND YOU and your DAMN IDEALISTIC BULLSHIT!!!! So there, Jesus Christ!!! Whatda ya think of THAT??? Made your POINT? A successful demonstration of what I did to my followers? Created in them a state of HOPELESSNESS by making them live in the FUTURE, not the PRESENT, overloading them with information, putting them on SENSORY OVERLOAD like I'm experiencing now??? Also created in them an INABILITY to READ? Whatda ya mean I didn't let them READ? So you're telling me that by my forbidding them to read outside materials I cut them off from the real world? Yeah? So what??? And then by REQUIRING them to read all MY stuff and constantly HARPING on my DOCTRINES I caused their brains to SHORT CIRCUIT? Didn't have PERMISSION any longer to READ?

"Awwww WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!!! Not bullshit? You're saying that’s the way I RAN MY CULT, caused people to be at SENSORY OVERLOAD, caused them to NOT BE ABLE TO READ, caused them to NOT BE ABLE TO THINK???? I caused them to not be able to CRITICALLY THINK???? Yeah... so? I'm thinking pretty critically right now myself!!! That's because I was NEVER UNDER MIND CONTROL???? But my followers WERE???? Yeah, yeah, yeah, J.C. So you're laying a lot of shit on me now and holding me RESPONSIBLE.... so what do ya want me to do now, REPENT?


"Not impressed by my empty REPENTENCE? Can't be trusted to REALLY change. Still arrogant, puffed up in my own importance and addicted to power and

CONTROL!!??? Yeah, so I'm in a bad mood. Sue me!!!


"Sit in it??? You're telling me to SIT IN IT???? Sit in my FEELINGS???? EXPERIENCE MY FEELINGS??? OVERCOME??? Whatda ya mean, OVERCOME IT???? I can't stand it!!! I JUST CAN'T STAND IT!!!! Call you when I've overcome it? A day is as a thousand years???? All the same to you??? Dammit!!! I Can't STAND IT!!!


"I wish everybody would just leave me alone.... just leave me alone... Can't because that would be leaving me to my OWN DEVICES???? Going to have a talk? I've got NOTHING I want to talk to YOU about, Jesus Christ. I'm all talked out! Leave me alone!!! Never ALONE? Always someone with us? A guide? A guardian ANGEL? Oh THAT BULLLLLSHIT again!!!? Yeah, I read the message from the archangel.... about following the commandments.... in the "Visitation" book.... yeah... even ten lousy commandments were somewhat screwed up in how humankind understands their meaning... but would be a good place to start... yeah, J.C., that archangel's prophecy is really sumpthin'... oh and it will come to pass, unlike all MY FAILED PROPHECIES????? Really know how to hurt a guy, J.C... Truth is truth? I'm responsible for my own feelings? Gimmie a BREAK! Lots of breaks?


"Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know that archangel guy explains a lot of stuff that even I didn't know about.... like the 'IMMACULATE CONCEPTION' and the PYRAMIDS!!! Levitation!!!! Harrumph!!!! Levitation... built by levitation? Whatda ya mean, just like I built MY CHURCH on a lotta HOT AIR? Whatda ya mean, well almost an analogy??? STOP LAUGHING! Dammit!!! Stop laughing! Its NOT funny.


"Whatda ya mean we've been watching holographic images for a LONG TIME, trying to explain their cause??? Whatda ya mean examples in the Bible??? The burning bush? The Magi star??? Apparitions? Whatda ya mean walking on water and parting of the Red Sea were done by levitation???? Are you telling me that I can't believe my OWN EYES??? That's what I told my followers? Not to believe their own eyes... ears... feelings... senses... instincts... but my reasons were not the same as God's? My reasons were selfish in nature? My reasons were to control the people and create an illusion to HIDE truth, while God's reasons were used to create illusions to ILLUSTRATE and DEMONSTRATE unconditional, eternal LOVE and TRUTH???

"Harrumph!!! Just layin' a guilt trip on me!!! I'm sickuv it! Now I'm supposed to believe that killin' is more than murder, but killin's manipulating, twisting, deceiving, and destroying QUALITY of LIFE so now I'm a murderer too! Dammit!!! I think this WHOLE THING is just a HOPELESS PIT!!!! Like the HOPELESS pit I drove my followers into? More GUILT slinging, J.C.? Not? You're allowing me to FEEL the HOPELESSNESS that my followers FELT??? Sit in it? Stop whining? Oh



to be continued...




Chapter 34  - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000


"So John Trechak, you came DOWN here because you heard my request to see a friendly face? Just wanna see what's goin' on so you can report on me? Not writing the Ambassador Report anymore? Just being nosey? Oh, I see! You just want to know what I'm up to? Not much, John. Not much of anything these days. I've been doing a lot of READING... just one book after another. Have even lost my appetite because the pork chops are burnt. Well, sure, I cooked them myself!!! Why didn't I just IMAGINE them cooked and the power of THOUGHT would have taken care of it for me here? You're shittin' me, John!!! I should try it? Ok. John...


LOOK AT THAT!!! It worked! And all this while I was slaving away in the kitchen trying to cook! Now I can have anything I want just by THINKING IT????? Hey, where's that luscious babe that I saw walk by the other day?? Heh, heh, heh???


"Free will? Not just my whims fulfilled? EVERYONE, including the luscious babes have the POWER to exercise their free will? Would have to agree to come and see me? No takers?? Their FREE WILL just as valid as MINE? Oh, I see. Can't order people around in this place? No authority here? Oh... yeah... I NOTICED!!!


So, John, you just came here for a visit? No? Have another assignment? So you're taking orders these days? No? Volunteered for the job because no one else would do it? Came to take me to experience something new? Ya mean I can get outa here for awhile? Yippie!!! I'm ready to roll!!! Where we goin', John? Can't tell me? Just be patient, huh. We'll be there in a minute! Hey that's great man!


"Wow!! Look at all those mirrors!! The hall of reflection? Never heard of such a place, John. Why we here? Because I need to do some reflecting? Have to sit in that chair in the middle of the room, so that no matter where I look I see myself? Seems weird to me, John, but anything's better than READING... You'll be back? Ok, see ya, John....


"Boy, this is really uncomfortable... I don't like looking at myself. I wish I was taller... And not so FAT... too many damn pork chops! Sure do love 'em though. Wish I had some that weren't burnt... oh! Look at that! A plate of 'em right here! Wow... yum, yum.... chomp...chomp... oh... do I ever look awful chowin' down these chops... never realized how I looked when I ate before... now that the mirror is here, its rather disgusting... Hummm, I need a tooth pick... heh, heh... works every time! Now for a glass of lemonade... oh HELL, I'll have a whiskey-sour!!! Hey... it worked... burp... that was great! Gimme another one... burp! Bring on the whole bottle... heh heh, why ration it... heh heh....

"Hey, bub, you over there! Shorty! You're lookin' pretty whacked out... heh heh... teetering a little bit too, bub... so have a drink on me... burp! Now wasn't that good! Never run out... heh... heh... now need a juke box and some music... and a babe or two... oh, listen to that music... hey babes? babes? No damn babes.... that DAMN free will... heh heh... oh but what fun it is to...


"Looook at myself in the MIRRROR? Hey J.C.!!! We're havin' a party!!! A party of ONE? No, me and that short, fat little guy over there, heh, heh... and that one ovveeeer there, and bub ovveeer there too, burrrp! Heh heh... like you said, a party of ONE... ??? Whatda ya mean party's over??? We just got started....... OVER? ... go home and sober up? Incorrigible? Burp? Who me??? Lockin' me up? Confined to my rooooom? Burp? You'll be back tomorrrrrow??


"Who's there? Quiet down! Have some consideration! Man! My HEAD HURTS!!!! I'm coming... just a minute... Oh... J.C. it’s you. Now what? Whatda ya mean since I have turned my opportunity to take a realistic look at myself into a fiasco, I can come with you to time travel? Show me my behaviors David Robinson wrote about in his book so I can refresh my memory... since I already have the hangover? You sure are cruel, J.C. Not cruel? Just showing me my life as it really was... was I THAT drunk? Oh... don't go so fast, J.C. Effects are an illusion... just like the booze was? Sober up? Get serious? Get a load of THAT!!!


"Whatda ya mean, didn't I get enough drinking and partying back on earth? Looks like I was having a GREAT time, J.C. Whatda ya mean, don't I have ANY remorse? No. In all honesty, J.C., it was the best time of my life. I mean... all the food, drink, women... travel... dignitaries... mansions... anything a man could want... I had it ALL!!! Whatda ya mean, what about LOVE? Whatda ya mean, does all that partying make me love myself? Isn't that what it’s all about, J.C. Living it up? Partying? Enjoying life?


"So you're telling me I've got to be SOBER and SOMBER and CELIBATE? NO!!! NO!!! NOT THIS!!! I CAN'T LIVE THIS WAY.... snore... snort... zzzz "Snore.... sputter.... zzz... argh! 'Mornin' John... Whatda ya doin' here? You told me you'd be back? Huh? Where am I? Same place you left me? Huh? But I thought... I must have been sleeping? THAT was a dream? Oh SHIT! Hey that's great! I thought it was REAL!!! Another reality? Here we go again!!! PLEEEESE tell me that isn't so!!! Can't? Have to tell it like it is? Dreams are real? That's why you're paging through that book on dream symbols? Dreams help to make sense out of what is going on? Sometimes we're not aware consciously? Dreams tell us? Sometimes people in dreams tell us things we need to know? Sometimes dreams are really visits to other places? Oh, like that HIPPIE and those other people that came to see me in THEIR dreams??? Oh. Hey... I was dreaming!! I don't have to be sober, somber and celibate then, do I? Sounds more like a NIGHTMARE, John? Yeah, it does, doesn't it, John! Stop laughing... John... John...


"Dammit! It’s not FUNNY! I can't even tell the difference anymore if I'm awake or sleeping! Give me that DAMN BOOK! Maybe I can figure out what all this means!!! Damn dreams! John, you're not making matters any better! Stop laughing, John!”

to be continued...


Chapter 35 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000


"Haaaarrrrumph!!!!  No DAMN respect!  I get no respect at all!!!  Mirrors!  Who wants to glare at themself for hours!!! Vanity!!!  Just vanity!!!  And those damn NIGHTMARES!!!  I can't stand it!!!  I JUST CAN'T STAND IT!!!  At least I'm back here in my reading room.  One last damn book to read... oh... and this one is about ME!!!  I wonder why Mary Summer Rain would write a book about ME?  Herbs... says here that the way to good health is through Herb....s... awh.. she means 'herbs' not 'Herb's'...  awh NUTS!  Them too?  You EVESdropping on me again?  Heard me talking to myself and just couldn't resist the temptation to 'drop in'??


Stop laughing!!!  I mean it, J.C., STOP laughing!  I DID TOO think she was writing about ME!!!  Not about me?  About all the gifts of the earth to mankind?  That's why the title is 'Earthway'?  Shows what medicines can be gotten from the earth, and what they'll cure, and all about how the planetary alignments, and moon phases affects humans???  I don't have to MEMORIZE the book?  Just read it... yeah... I guess I can do that... and then you want to talk to me?  AFTER I read just one more book?  Another BOOK?  NOW WHAT!!?  I thought I just had ONE left to read!!!!  This one is by Edgar Cayce?  Who's he?  As a child he put his homework books under his pillow and absorbed everything in them by sleeping on them?  Had special gifts from God?  Lead an exemplary life?  Drew his information from the collective conscious?


"So you're telling me that this Edgar Cayce guy was quite a prophet?  His prophecies come true, unlike mine!?  Called him the SLEEPING prophet because he got his prophecies while unconscious?  Even SLEEPING he was more accurate than me? I was just a FRAUD and Edgar Cayce was the REAL THING!? Rub it in, J.C., just rub it in... hope it makes you feel better... doesn't make you feel better?  Excited to share this great truth with me?  Shit, J.C. I've been preaching the PLAIN TRUTH for so long never thought I'd get somebody else's version of TRUTH shoved down MY THROAT!!  Not forcing me?  I have free will??  Can always choose to go to Belial?  Who the hell is this Belial anyway, J.C.?  Read the book?  Damn it, it’s not FAIR!!  Can't you just explain it to me?  Don't have time?  Whatda ya mean you don't have TIME?  I thought you said a day was as a thousand years here?  Point well taken... glad I understand???  Dammit, J.C.  You're pissin' me off!  What's the... oh... you've already got the book here for me?  "Edgar Cayce's Story of The Origin and Destiny of Man" by Lytle Robinson... any relation to that damn DAVID Robinson?  STOP LAUGHING!  It’s NOT funny!  J.C. I was just ASKING!!!  Whatda ya mean you're not a genealogist?  Lots of lineages named their children after them... adding "son" to their first names...  like Herbertson..?  Yeah, right!


"So this book will tell me about Belial and the Creation?  Also about some other facts left out of the history books... like the rise and fall of Atlantis?  Hummmm... maybe it won't be such bad reading after all... better than having to look at myself in all directions... HATE that... not FUN to see myself...'re still here, J.C...  What else?  So this Edgar Cayce is the opposite of me you say?  Gave his entire life to helping other people?  Used his GIFT to assist thousands of people in healing and helping them understand the real truths of things as he was given them.  Unlike me who did an 'in-depth' six month study of the Bible and Mein Kampf and used it to EXPLOIT PEOPLE for my OWN SELFISH GAIN... yeah, so what's your point, J.C.?  Just read the damn book, huh?  Ok.. ok..  

"And when I get done with that you've got a few more important books I need to read?  You aren't going to QUIT are you?  J.C.?  You're going to just keep it up, making me read all that stuff!  What's your POINT?  I really want to know, J.C... What's your point?  He wouldn't want even ONE to be lost?  Not even me???  NO SHIT!?  Not even ME?  Not even me...  Well, I'll be damned!  Not be damned?  That's the whole point?  So you're telling me, J.C. that I'm NOT damned even after all the shit I've done?  That's right?  I've just got a LOT to learn and all the TIME of ETERNITY to learn it... ?  but if I want to get on the band wagon, I'll have to make some effort to LOOK at myself and get HONEST?  I KNEW there was a catch to it, J.C.  I KNEW there was some IMPOSSIBLE BRICK WALL I could NEVER...  one brick at a time?  A few short of a load anyway?  Get out the chisel?  Whatda ya mean A metaphor? Think about it?  Haaaarrrumph!


"Whatda ya mean maybe you'll give me another book to read from the Edgar Cayce material?  About you, J.C.?  About your incarnations?  You mean YOU were recycled too?  Lots of times?  Many trips to earth?  Really saved mankind's ass?  And NOT by dying on the cross?  What?  Went to earth as a spirit to save the souls who'd incarnated into flesh... tried to lure them back to God...  time and time again....?  In spirit and flesh? Was rough?  Whatda ya mean NOT by dying on the cross?  Whatda ya mean that WOULDN'T HAVE SAVED A*N*Y*O*N*E?????  Whatda ya mean that was a trick by the Romans to make a martyr out of YOU?  Consider the possibility?  Would change everything???  HOLY SHIT!!!


"So you mean to tell me, J.C. that you didn't really DIE on the cross?  All that stuff in the Bible about you being crucified is bullshit?  NOT bullshit?  I don't get it, J.C.  Now I'm confused... so you spent a lot of time in the middle east learning about yoga and many truths that were known to the ancients?  Didn't sit around preaching or knocking over money changers tables ALL the time?  Had a lot of stuff to LEARN too?  Had many teachers?  Traveled all over the place?  Was part of the Brotherhood of the Essenes?  They knew the dangers?  Protected you?  Saved your LIFE?  Brought lots of medicines to heal your body?  Restored your health?  Let you travel incognito for a long, long time afterwards, fulfilling your mission?  Never meant to start a new religion?  Was never even a Christian?  Would never want to be one?  Not made-to-order 'Christian' by those who made a martyr out of you?  Hummm....


"That's lots to take in, J.C.  Lots of information contradictory to everything I've ever believed... beliefs AREN'T truths? Time to clean out the bullshit and learn the TRUTH?  The plain truth? Whatda ya mean I need to read "E.T. 101" first?  By Mission Control and Zoev Jho?  ANOTHER book?  Oh shit!”


to be continued...



Chapter 36 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000


"Lumps!!!  These DAMN lumps!!  I can't sleep!  I've tried and tried, and these books are just more than I can take!!!  I thought maybe if I'd sleep on them like Edgar Cayce did that I could get out of reading them... like HE did... Osmosis would make it soooooo much easier!!!  But NOOOOOOOO!!!  Not my luck!!  I have to READ the damn things... word by word... sentence by sentence... paragraph by paragraph... then HE brings me MORE!!!  'E.T. 101' like I'm some kind of kindergartener!  Harrumph!  Might as well get up and READ!!!!  

"Interesting stuff here... sure takes me back beyond the six thousand years I taught of the existence of man on earth... this 'Origin and Destiny of Man' ... guess I should have studied more books... Whatda ya mean there's no time like the present to learn?  Still another book?  Hey, J.C., I couldn't sleep as it IS with all THESE books to read!!!  Whatda ya mean you found the other one you want me to read?!!!  Another one???  This one's a biography about YOU?  About your incarnations on earth?  Hummmm... THAT might just be interesting, J.C.  Lets see it!  Says here your name was Amilius when you tried to rescue your brothers and sisters from the physical... you were still a spirit and tried to influence them, but it didn't work...  hummmm... So this book, "Lives of The Master" by Glenn Sanderfur is going to show me some of your incarnations besides that of J.C.?  Wow... and your names were different each time, huh?  And here there's stuff about Belial and the Sons of Belial... guess I'll read this, J.C.  Looks really, rEEEEally interesting!!!!


"Hummm... says here you were the Alpha and the Omega... first and last... first in the beginning... helped create the physical bodies for mankind... then your soul was divided... not a rib... mistranslation... hummmm.... rib means 'side'.... soul divided into twin souls, male and female.... hummmmm so a helpmeet was created and she has reincarnated with you throughout all time?  Many times?  All from the same Alpha?  All ONE.  Wow!!!  NOT a SEPARATE  MOTHER EVE?  Not!


"Bits and pieces?  Whatda ya mean, J.C.?  "Bits and pieces"???  Not all truths are known by anyone... have to read lots of books to find the bits and pieces?  Sending me along a trail to discern the bits of truths that have been retained by humankind?  Hummm... I should have read more books when I was your Apostle, J.C.  I could have...  Was never rEEEEEly an apostle?  Oh yeah... I forgot... But if I'd known more I... yeah... you're probably right... If I'd have known more, I'd have used it to confuse the truth even more...  Well at least now I'm getting things figured out... And don't have the MEANS to influence anyone else?  Yeah, that's true, J.C.  Not with you 'readin' my mail!!!  No mail here?  Figure of speech, J.C., just a figure of speech... not UP on slang?  Ok... I guess we DO understand one another at any rate... Get back to the books?  Ok, this is really interesting....


"Oh... you're back, J.C.  To WHAT do I OWE this PLEASURE?  Brought me ANOTHER BOOK TO READ!???  Geeeeezus... how can I read all these books?  All the time in the world here?  This one is huMONgous!!!  Hummm.... Manly Hall... actually heard of him, J.C.  He was quite a guy... "The Secret Teachings of  All Ages"... yeah... borrowed from his work a bit, J.C. heh, heh... Obvious?  Oh... didn't think you'd notice... heh, heh... Hard NOT to?  Even the title with a twist?  Heh heh... can't ignore a good thing... huh, J.C.?   Yeah, he published through his 'Philosophical Research Society'  in L.A.  We were neighbors at one time, J.C....  J.C.?  Where'd he go?  

"You're back!  With a visitor?  Meet Manly Hall?  Just called him from a higher plane?  Was reluctant to come down here?  Only came because YOU asked him to?  Can he autograph his BOOK for me?  No???  Why not, J.C.??  These aren't MY books?  Belong to the Hall of Knowledge Library???  Just checked out and must be returned???  Oh... So Mr. Hall, did WE ever have our pictures taken together?  No time for nonsense?  Had limited time to finish your life's work?  Had to get back here to get ready for your next incarnation?  Oh... I see...  Me too!  But they tell me it’s gonna be awhile.... J.C. here tells me I have a 'fixated ego'... guess that means it’s gonna take a lot to jostle the pivot point... don't care to listen to drivel?  Not MEANT as an INSULT... just the plain truth?


"Harrumph!!  No respect!!  I don't get NO respect.  Damn ARROGANT jerks!  Just because THEY... just because they made better choices with their free will?  Finishing my sentences for me now, huh, J.C.?  Filling in the TRUTH where I lack it?  Oh... well exCUUUUSSSSE me!  I MUST get back to my READING!  Harrumph!!!


"Hummmm... says here there was a lot of genetic manipulation in Atlantis.... drones were created... humans genetically manipulated to be slaves... downfall of Atlantis... super technologies too, like today’s world of computers.... misused power to subvert a whole bunch of people and exploit them... hummmm... I wonder if I had anything to do with this in a past life?  Maybe that's where I started this power and control path?  EVESdropping again, J.C.?  Just wanted to mention that if I want to know for sure, I can sometime check the Akashic Records for all of my incarnations?  I might be surprised where my spirit has been?  Not every lifetime took me backwards?  Advanced my spirit in some?  I wouldn't be this FAR had some NOT been advancement?  So I'm not as bad off as I think I am?  Not as bad off as I COULD be?  Did fulfill some good things out of my lifetime as Herbert W. Armstrong?  Caused many people to become DISILLUSIONED with the STATUS QUO and begin to THINK for themselves once they got past the MIND CONTROL?  Caused them to advance their spirits?  I get credit for all of my karma, both bad AND good?  Not ALL BAD?  Only God can really weigh it all out because only God has the infinite knowledge of all of our deeds?


"Hey, that's COOL MAN!!!!  God uses people like me to pull the religious rug out from under people because they are complacent and don't QUESTION what they've been told is REALITY?  God wants people to SEEK?  Too many never seek?  Just follow?  Get into trouble this way like dumb sheep?  Yeah... I've heard THAT story, J.C.  quite a bit lately...”


to be continued...

Chapter 37 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2005


“Harrumph!!!! Now where the hell am I?  Just when I was getting used to the idea of reading all these damn books, pooft!!! And I’m here. Hummm... I wonder what this is all about... “Hey you over there!!! DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM??  Whatda ya mean you never saw me before? Whatda ya mean I’m ugly?? Whatda ya mean uglier than my photographs?  Where’d you ever see my photographs?  Whatda ya mean in the Worldwide News?  Who the hell are you?  Oh, just one of my devotees?  Oh, so you DO KNOW who I am?!!! How DO you DO?  Whatda ya mean, What the hell do I care? Never cared before, why the hell should YOU CARE now?


“Harrumph!!! What a sour puss!  Reach out to TOUCH someone and they bite you! I’ll just find my own way around here and see what is going on...  Hey you!! Nurse!!! You in the uniform!! What’s the name of this place? Hey, can’t you hear me??? I’m Herbert W. Arm............. Oh, you know me, heh heh... glad somebody does.... tell me miss, who are all these people? Whatda ya mean I should recognize all of them?  I never saw them before in my life!! Whatda ya mean they were all part of my church?


“So, what am I supposed to do? Now they’re all staring at me! Hey, guys, gals, just keep your distance... not too close now.... I’ll sign autographs for each of you, just give me time... Hey nurse!! Got a pen?  How about some paper too?   Whatda ya mean you’re not looking for autographs.... you want what?  Oh, you are looking for autographs... only on checks??? Oh. You want your money back?  Oh, heh heh... there is no money... I spent it all!!!  Heh heh... hey go look... heh heh.... down in Pasadena... Big Sandy... Joey got it all folks.... honest!!! Just go take a look... Hey fellas.... I’m, broke...


“Let me outa here!!!!! HaaalllPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!! Sommmmmmmmebody!!! Get me outta this place!!! These people are all nuts!!! I wanna go home!!!!


“What the hell do you mean, I should click my heels together?  Worked for you?  Huh?  Dorothy?  From the Wizard of Oz?  No of course I wouldn’t mistake you for my daughter!!! Whatda ya mean I’m the original tin man--no heart!!!?  Whatda ya mean, you’re the one with the magic wand now and can use it to send me where?  What did you say?  I can go to ........................... Oh shit! Back here again!!! Damn that bitch! 


“Heh... heh.. howdy folks.... Yeah, just passing through... heh heh.... oh sure Belial... you’ve got my number on your list... heh heh... so does everybody got my number these days.... I was just visiting with Dorothy and she zapped me and here I am.... Stop laughing!!! It is NOT funny!!!


“Whatda ya mean she swiped the wicked witch’s wand?  Where the hell am I anyway? Whatda ya mean Oz?  Who the hell created THIS fantasy? Why am I in their fantasy? Whatda ya mean I drove them nuts? Whatda ya mean that since I drove them nuts now I can live with them in la la land??? Whatda ya mean these are the dumb sheep of Worldwide who lost their minds?  Whatda ya mean they can’t hear the voice of the good shepherd because all they hear is what I programmed them to hear?


“Sure, blame ME for all their stupidity!!!! Blame me because all they hear is fairy tales. Blame me because their pied piper is ME?  What the hell do you mean, I’m the Pied Piper?  Oh shit!!! Now they’re following me.... Where the hell can I go??  Got the whole damn string of them behind me... wonder if they’ll follow me out here.... sure, here they come.... hummmm... nice grounds... reminds me of Ambassador College campus with all this green grass and gardens.... hummmm ... what’s this?  Oh, a sign.... hummm... it is Ambassador.. WHAT THE HELL???????? AMBASSADOR INSANE ASYLUM??????????????????????????


“Holy Shit!!! How’d I get here?  Dorothy’s free will zapped me here?  She was one of the dumb sheep that lost her way?  She lost all her marbles because she followed me? Heh heh... not her sheep?  Oh, she’s not little Bo-Peep... heh heh... Whatda ya mean, Shadup?  Who do you think YOU are telling Herbert W. Armstrong to Shadup?  Oh, you’re the LION, huh?? Got your courage now, heh heh... can tell me off, you dumb pussy cat... heh heh...


“Woops!!! At least I fell on some straw... oh... The STRAW MAN SCARECROW......... well, exCCCUUUUUUSSSSSSSEEEEE  me. I didn’t mean to squash you, heh heh....


“I wanna go home.... I wanna go home... I wanna go home.... Whatda ya mean if I wasn’t so fat I wouldn’t have to lay on the ground to click my heels together!  Stop laughing, dammit!!!! How else can I get outta here??????


Whatda ya mean, just say the word and I’m............. gone. Oh. Shit. I forgot!”


to be continued....


Chapter 38 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 2000


“Well, well, well, what the hell!!! Whatda ya doin’ here Stan?  Its been so damn long since we rubbed shoulders!!!  Last time, let’s see... was that on my jet over the Pacific, or maybe over in Thailand??  Heh heh... So what the hell are you doin’ in my neighborhood, Stan?  Just havin’ a ‘near death experience’?  No shit!  As near death as you can get?  Hey man, you’re dead! Well I’ll be a son-of-a-bitch!!!  I didn’t think I’d see you for a damn long time.  You’re in good company Stan!  Why just the other day I ran into Trechak again.  That snoop won’t ever get off my case!!!  And I took a trip to oz, and ran into all the folks there in la la land!  You wouldn’t believe it Stan, all the crap I’ve had to put up with here!


“Well, well, well Stan the man!  I just can’t believe my eyes... Here you are, big as life, and maybe now I’ll get some action around here!  I need a damn good lawyer after all the shit they’re putting me through here!  Oh? You’re not for hire?  You’ve been behaving yourself for awhile since I’ve been outa your life?  You’re shittin’ me man!  Heh heh!!  Oh, for a minute there you had me goin‘!!!  You found out that you couldn’t take it with ya, huh?  Ya, I know whatcha mean Stan. …all that nice green stuff… gone with the wind.


“Oh look out, Stan!  Duck behind here... here comes that damn Joe.  He thinks he’s still the big cheese, my heir to the empire!  Nobody wants to tell him he’s got enough karmic debt to last him quite a few rounds on the ‘wheel’...  Whatda ya mean he won’t be spinnin’ past me cuz I’ve got the award for the most reruns?  Stop laughing, Stan.  It’s not funny.  Not funny at all.  Besides, you haven’t even been oriented yet to this place.  Look out when old J.C. gets hold of you!  You’ll be bucklin’ to his whims in no time.  Oh shit.  Soon as I thought it, there he comes.


“No! I was not leading this newcomer astray, J. C.!!  Who me?  Lead a lawyer astray?  Naw, J.C. I was just thinking of hiring him as my attorney here so I could get some of you guys off my case!  Whatda ya mean there ain’t no legal ‘reps’ in this place?  Most of them toasting awhile, heh heh, with the old man with the pitch fork?  Heh heh? 


“Insolent?  No, J.C.  I didn’t mean to be insolent!  I was just funnin’ ‘im!  Ole Stan and me are old buds!  Oh, you knew that!  Ya, you would.  No, I’m not going to sell him a bill of goods!  Whatda ya mean, ‘in cahoots’?  Whatda ya mean the two of us are mirror images of  the worst of the worst?  Whatda ya mean I have to take him on the orientation tour?  Oh no!  Don’t tell me I have to introduce him to all those damn holier-than-thou nut cases that I was dealin’ with yesterday?


“You wouldn’t believe who I’ve met here, Stan!  Why the devil himself met me at my door!  He even escorted me to his place a few times... heh heh... but didn’t want me there.  Nobody here likes me much, Stan.  Sure is good to have a good buddy again.  Whatda ya mean I’m an old fool?  Stan, don’t you like me anymore either?  After all we meant to one another?  Why I would never have been able to rub shoulders with all those mucky muck entertainers and world leaders if you hadn’t been there to arrange all that...


“Oh, and Stan, the pork chops here are great!  Have ‘em for breakfast every day!  Oh!  I forgot you’re Jewish, Stan.  I forgot you’re really really Jewish and not one of my ‘converts’ to psuedo-Judaism even if we did baptize you a time or two just for the sheep’s sake.  Oh for Pete’s sake, Stan. Lighten up!  


“Got any news from back home?  Did you ever run into any of the old gang before you ended up here?  Lots of them are here now too, Stan... just like you and me.  There are a few though that are livin’ high on the hog.  Stole my whole show, Stan.  Hootin’ and a holleran’ from the pulpits.  They took everything of mine and some watered it down and spread it thin, and some tightened it up and are worse than I ever thought to be.  Real dictators those devils!!!  But there ain’t no hurry Flurry and thy Rod and his staff are still pounding their fists!!!  Fire and brimstone!!!  Heh, heh... ah... the good ole days, Stan....


“Oh J.C., you’re still here....?  Nothing to brag about?  A couple of scallywags?  Lowlifes?  Crud of the crop?  Aw J.C. lighten up!  We’re just gettin’ reacquainted here, Stan and me.... oh alright... I’ll show him the REAL plain truth... follow me Stan.  This is gonna hurt me more than it is YOU....”


To be continued......


Chapter 39 – The Adventures of HWA “On The Other Side” (c) 2002


“Well, well, well!!!! What do we have here!?  Surprise, surprise, surprise, you old blabbermouth!!!  Heh heh!!! So much for my peace and quiet!!! You thought you’d be sleepin’ for a thousand years!  And don’t I wish!!! Heh heh heh!!! You’re going to wish you were asleep in the grave like you preached too…. Heh heh … cuz you’re going to be listening to ME for a change!!! Heh heh, and have I got a bunch to tell YOU about this place!!!  For once in your life ole Geraldine Watergates, have I got news for you!  And look out, you’re never gonna believe who all is up here!!  Damn old Trechak had to croak, and he still can’t quit trailing me to make sure I’m living up to the rules and regs here!  Caught me the first day he was here chomping my pork chops!  That rotten no good son of a... well, you know what I’m talking about Blabberhouse, he never could mind his own business that snoop!!!  Ole Joe is here too!  The old baton twirler who swiped my Apostleship!!! That son-of-a-gun struts around here like a banty rooster, whining all the time that I had a longer stint than he did.  Well, well, well.... I guess nobody had a longer stint than you old man!!! Still preachin’ ad nausea till the very end!  Only you abdicated the old trunk-o-the-tree with Junior running the show.  Guess there wasn’t room enough for  both of you in the old WCG trough!!! Yeah, I’ve been keeping an eye on that old scoundrel!  He’s almost as rotten as me, heh heh!!!  But of course, no one could walk a mile in my shoes!!  Not with what I filled them with, heh heh!!!


“Yeah, No shit, man!  You’re gonna encounter lots of folks here that aren’t too happy with your legacy.  Why to deceive all those damn sheep.... uh... err... I mean DUMB sheep with that story about me living beyond a normal life span to take all the ...tisk tisk.. Petra... to the place of safety... heh heh...  Safety my ass! With all the heat brewing in the Middle East, you’d have them all fried in the sun and turn them into raisons!  Heh heh... if they didn’t get nuked or sprayed with bio-warfare and exterminated!!!  While you made off with the big bucks on a fancy jet... heh heh... Of course I know what you intended to do you old son-of-a-bitch!  Who’d you think taught you all you know!!! Heh heh!!!!


“Oh yeah, you can eat all the pork chops you want here!  Come on into my kitchen and grab a chunk of ‘em outa my freezer, man and fry away.  I bet I fried up a dozen pigs when I first got here, man, I was so hungry for my favorite meal.... and all those damn sh...I mean dumb sheep were eating kosher and paying for my pork!! Heh heh!!! Yeah, those were the good old days, GW...  oh yeah... now you can’t use your initials ‘cause they stand for the pres.... yeah... how time flies when you aren’t on earth!!  Junior running the show back there too I see.  Wonder if he’ll make any of my prophecies come true or if I’ll keep my record of 100% zilch!  Oh well, I wasn’t much of a prophet, but I sure as hell had fun preachin’ bout the end of the world.  Now look out and someone might just push the wrong button and we’ll be crowded up here with all those ‘true believers’... And you think you had to convert the multitudes for the thousand years of the millennium, heh heh.  Well, Blubbermouth, guess who gets to listen-up for the next few millennium and to repent of their running off at the mouth!!!  Oh, you are criticizing me now????? Is that what I hear, Man??  Well, well, and I thought you were my buddy!!!  I ain’t takin’ no responsibility for your crap!!!  You believed every word I said?  And you think that’s MY fault?  Boy have I got news for you!!!  And a bridge I’ll sell, real cheap!!


“Oh, Jesus Christ!!! You again!!! Yeah, yeah, I know he’s new here!! Oh, give YOU a chance to straighten him out before I corrupt him some more?!  You mean he could be corrupted more than I already did? Oh, shut up?  You’re telling me to shut up, Jesus Christ?  Well Jesus Christ!! I never shut up for anybody!  Until now.  Mmmm Grsmym bsmfwwumph!


“Oh I know you were just kiddin’ JC!!! I won’t steer him wrong no more!! Honest!!!  Of course I’ll tell him about the meetings.  Of course I’ll tell him about the books he has to read.  Of course I’ll tell him about having to listen to lectures 24/7 multiplied by how many people he made listen all those years.  Hummmmm and you say this is heaven?”


to be continued…


Chapter 40 – The Adventures of HWA “On the Other Side” (c) 2005


“Well I’ll be the son of an unemployed masseuse!!!  If it ain’t my yungun’ ole Teddy boy!!!  Garner Ted in the flesh…. Ahhh… errrr… ummmm I mean …. What the hell you doin’ here boy?  This is HEAVEN!!!  Well… that’s what these good folks call this hell-hole.  It was more fun bangin’ those co-eds on campus… if ya know what I mean…. Heh heh …  Keep a log, son? 


“YEAH!!!  I was just kiddin’!  Damn it!  Have to be so serious?!!  No!! I was NOT confusing YOUR behavior with MINE!  You KNOW I had to keep my flog log.  Heh heh… who else woulda?  Heh heh… Chip off the old block… the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree or sumpthin’ like that… oh yeah… I remember now… “A good tree cannot produce bad fruit and a bad tree cannot produce good fruit”… so to hell with fruit I say!!!


“So this is IT son!  That FRUITcake in the sky… That GRAND world tomorrow we’ve been preachin’ about ad nausea, only we ain’t the big CHEESE we thought we were going to be… Damn!


“If you haven’t noticed yet, old J.C. himself traipses around here in his sandals and robes like he owns the place!!!  Oh hi J.C…  I was just talkin’ ‘bout choo to my son here… this is Ted.  Oh, you know Ted… heh heh…. Chip off the old block you say…  different than Richard… more corrupted… more time with the old man you say… Dang it J.C., you’re hurtin’ my feelin’s!!!  Makin’ me out to be such a bad guy when all I wanted was a little fun!!!  At whose expense you ask?  Well… a man has to tithe anyway, so why not to ME?  I was a damn good Apostle until old Joe stole my baton.   That old scalawag!!!  Oh hi there Joe, speak of the devil… heh heh… remember Ted?


“Oh we have to show Ted the ropes now?  Ok… let’s see… be careful what you wish for son.  Here you just say something and wooshhhhh….. you’re comin’ or goin’ faster’n you know what to hang onto.  Here… hang on and we’ll go for a spin…. I’ll show you some of the scenery…  Oh come on J.C…. I wouldn’t lead him astray!  Not AGAIN!!!  You know me better than that!  Oh……  STOP LAUGHING!!!  Dammit J.C.  It isn’t THAT funny.  Ted.  Get up!  I said get up!!! Quit rollin’ on the ground!  Damn I don’t get no respect!!!


“You’ll get the hang of it, son.  Just follow me.  Oh… look out!!! Damn that Treschak.  You’d think he had something better to do now that he’s dead.  At least he could HAUNT somebody.  Instead he snoops.  I guess I’ll never get away from the damn snoop!!!  There… he’s gone.  We gave him the slip…


“Dammit John!!! Do you have to sneak up behind an old man?  You could have given me a heart attack!  Whatda you mean NO HEART?  Dammit John.  You’re not being very nice.  Even after I offered to take you out for all the pork chops you could eat.


“Ahhh Shit, Ted… now you know where I spent my Sabbath mornings.  Yeah… right in the best restaurants in Pasadena… having pork chops for breakfast while you and all the other subordinates had to preach … and eat kosher.  Now I eat CROW…. FEATHERS and all… Damn!!!


“I get no respect.  Just like old Rodney Dangerfield…another newcomer I ran into the other day... Only he got paid for being a comedian.  Here I just get laughed at.  STOP Laughing Ted!!!  It ain’t THAT funny…


“Looks like our tour is about to begin… hang on.  Things really get interesting Ted, old boy.  We get to see lots of old… uh… er… friends… and ah er.. not so friendly folks.  Some of those we screwed-over are not too happy with us.  We’ll be gone a just a little while cuz here there’s no time.  NO.  I didn’t mean we won’t have time.  We DON’T have time.  There is no such thing here.  We are simply HERE in ETERNITY.


“Quite a tour, huh? Ted.  How’d ya like that that Library of Knowledge.  Bigger than Ambassador Auditorium!!!  Oh for crying out loud would you get load of the newcomer!! Hey!!!!!  Herman!!!  Hey you old son-of-a gun… Dam!!!  Hey…  Hermie Hey…!!! You old history buff!!! How the hell are you?  We musta been gone awhile cuz you weren’t here when we left… I was just givin’ the grand tour to old Ted here… ya know… the chip off the old block.  Lets all go out for supper!!! I’ll spring for the pork chops!!  Ya… we eat a lot-of-em here Hermie!!!


“Hail, hail, the gang’s all here…all my original evangelists ‘cept for ole Rod.  Merrily merrily merrily-dith… heh heh… he’s still preachin’ that old gospel gobbledygook… just like I taught him!!! Heh heh…  Old Ray Cole, met up with him the other day.  We had quite a visit.  I never knew that he was… Oh hell… I’m just happy to see you old boy!!!   Get set to do a lot of reading.  Old J.C. here is just full of ‘suggestions’ for us to get our act together, as he puts it.  Oh… here he is now… be careful what you say… it’s like an invitation for them to drop in.  Faster than the speed of THOUGHT… and whishhhhhhhh….. you got company!!!


“Yippie!!!  Yippie!!!  Yippie!!! All my old cronies are here now and we can all go out on a bender and……………. Oh? the hell you say, J.C.  We’re going to do some community service?  We’re going to be doing some reading?  We have a whole bibliography to cover??? We’re going to be re-educating ourselves before we get recycled… RECYCLED???!!!  Oh that horrible word again!!!  I don’t want to go back!!!  Not if I have to be…FEMALE!!!! BLACK??!!! Oh!!! … You’re going to send us ALL back… SOON… to deepest Africa???  To learn how it feels to be on the other end of the spectrum of the haves verses have-NOTS.  We’re all going to be HAVE-NOTS… 


“Damn books!!!  Eyes are crossed!  I’m hungry!!! Musta spent a damn year in that library just crusin’ through those volumes!!!  More than my six months in-depth study of the Bible back in the forties when I was creating my smorgasbord religion to sucker in the dumb sheep.  A little o’ this and a little o’ that…  sure was lucrative… wasn’t it guys… hey.. What’s going on?  Whatda ya mean we just had “our millennium”?  Whatda ya mean life as we know it is over?  Whatda ya mean where we’re going we will learn what it’s like to be oppressed, hungry, brutalized, victimized, women?   Where’d you say we were headed, J.C.?


“Oh I don’t wanna gooooooooooooooooooooo………………… Oh shit!!!  It’s dark in here… what are those noises?  Drums?  …hmmmm  …”your momma don’t dance and your daddy don’t rock ‘n roll…” la de dahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…  Oh Oh… “What Do You Mean, Born Again?”… Guess I got it all wrong… Here I go againnnnnnnnnnn……”


to be continued…. NOT as Herbert W. Armstrong!


Additional recommended reading:  “The Ambassador Report” available online at the Painful Truth website (link below), all of Sylvia Browne’s books, Neal Donald Walsch’s “Conversations With God” series and “Tomorrow’s God”, etc., Books published by the A.R.E., Edgar Cayce’s foundation, books by Mary Summer Rain, Professor Fida Hassnain, Gregg Braden,  Eric Von Daniken, The Nag Hammadi Library, and “On Angels Wings: A Spiritual Journey”.  Check your online book sellers for theses titles/authors. and Barnes & Noble carry them as well as other outlets.

For expert cult information, go to

The above article is strictly a satire, based on the teachings of Herbert W. Armstrong and his evangelists and cohorts.   For more information and his “Plain Truth” legacy, check out the “Painful Truth” website. index.htm



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