"My Name Is Toxic Shame"

by John Bradshaw & Leo Booth

{"And How the Abusive Franchises [churches] Use It"}

by Glacier Gruff

 

I was there at your conception

(Baptism? Maybe I'm not worthy of this? Minister...I'm not sure _________'s Baptism "took".... Oh, _______left the "church"...must not have been converted anyway... I always knew there was something wrong with him/her...}

In the epinephrine of you mother's shame

(You've brought your OOOOOLllllllddddd pagan habits with you... You just don't have the strength of CHRIST.... You HAVE to trust Christ....i.e. HIS ministry....and you Don't... You are still out there in the world....}

You felt me in the fluid of your mother's womb

(Satan's been out to get you as soon as you got interested in US....

I came upon you before you could speak

(You aren't crying out to God for forgiveness.... You just don't trust Christ....

Before you understood

(I'm sorry, you can't come to services until you get your family under control... You need to study Romans 6 and 7 before we can baptize you... Not yet, you are still living in sin...}

Before you had any way of knowing

(You HAVE to change or you will keep getting sick... You just don't GET IT, do you.... These people aren't getting it at all....

I came upon you when you were learning to walk

{You NNNEeeeeeD to know these things.... As long as you sin, you are going to have trials... I'll bet some of you are timing your prayers to exactly 30 minutes... You keep STUMBLING because you don't have faith in his MINISTRY...}

When you were unprotected and exposed

{YOU are the problem.... Some of you tightwads are tithing to the PENNY...you don't think God knows you are stingy with HIS money....}

When you were vulnerable and needy

{Haven't you prayed about this problem?.... You HAVE to pray and fast and study...Haven't you, at ALLLLLLLLL... No, you don't have a job...maybe you have been cheating God in your offerings?

Before you had any boundaries

{Your heart isn't right.... Tell me about your marital situation..... Why aren't you obeying your husband...you're the reason for the trial... What is this white sugar doing in your cupboard?.... You better watch your children while they are in the bathroom.... Sure you're having problems, you're a LOUSY husband, haven't you read the bible at all?....}

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I came upon you when you were magical

{You DIDN'T tithe on your interest income?.... Who do you think YOU are, questioning MY authority as a minister... The best part of your speech was when you SAT DOWN.... You call THAT Special Music? You DON'T need to rehash the WHOLE sermon in your closing prayer...}

Before you could know I was there

{You'd better get busy and memorize the memory verses... No you can't come to services yet, you're not ready.... Sorry, you have to finish the first 12 lessons of the CC before you can come... I don't think you have REALLLLYyyyy repented, so, not baptism yet...}

I severed your soul

{You KNOW the policy about ordaining American Indians.... Sorry, you are living in sin, you'll have to separate... Your children are OUT of control at services...}

I pierced you to the core

{Your sins are coming back to haunt you... The reason you're children are bad is you are terrible parents.... You can't be ordained because you have never been married... When you speak you sound like an "Okie".....}

I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective

{You're 37 years old and NOT married.... You are ALL a bunch of REBELS.... The reason you are not married is you are not marriageable....}

I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt

worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness

{You are going to the LAAAAAKe of Fire because you overeat and its a sin.... Someone here is talking to people in the world... You are just like menstruous rags.... You are NOT worthy to take the Passover until you REPENT... You have to have a SHEPHERD because you can't make proper decisions...}

I made you feel different

{You won't be accepted by "the world".... Christ has to die every day for your sins... You obviously haven't repented of your ways...}

I told you there was something wrong with you

{Go on to perfection means there is a LOT wrong with you... I just don't think they will ever get the point... I've told you before, half of you are going to the Lake of Fire...}

I soiled your Godlikeness

{Listen to the bread break, it was for YOUR sins... If it had been ME, I probably wouldn't have called most of YOU.... A LOT of you are NOT going to make it.... Your prayers won't even go past the ceiling.... A LOT of you are going to be in the TRIIIIIBULATION....}

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I existed before conscience

{The reason Abel slew Cain was LOUSY PARENTING.... My mother conceived me in SIN.....}

Before guilt

{I'm not sure my baptism was valid... I can't baptize you because of your illegal marriage... You quit working on the Sabbath and you can come to services....}

Before morality

{Your children can't understand what we preach.... You are harboring secret sins...}

I am the master emotion

{What do you mean fear, God didn't give us a spirit of FEAR?.... You need to HAAAATE the sin that is IN you.....}

I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation

{You know you cheated God in your tithes and offerings... Look at Mr/Mrs _______fine clothes...I look so bad today... Was my opening prayer OK? You KNOW you brought this trial upon yourself by your _______...}

I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any mental preparation

{I know they know I have been overeating... This sermon is about ME, I've done it again... _________, why can't you keep your children UNDER CONTROL?}

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I live in secrecy

{You think you can keep it secret, but GOD will reveal your sins... Everyone knows they aren't paying their tithes, look at their trials...}

In the deep moist banks of darkness depression and despair

{No, God isn't going to help you if you are sinning... The reason you keep getting sick is you keep SINNING... Depression is a SIN to be repented of...}

Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through the back door

{The whole church is going to hear she is pregnant.... What will they think?.... Didn't you know that doubting is sinning?}

* Uninvited unwanted

{Lost your job? I'll bet you've been breaking the sabbath.... or robbing God in Tithes and offerings.... Better examine yourself....}

The first to arrive

{You DIDN'T know about the 2nd tithe? Wearing lipstick here is a SIN.... Young man, your long hair is an ABOMINATION.... You didn't know about PORK?}

I was there at the beginning of time with Father Adam, Mother Eve

{Who told you you were naked? Satan is WORKING on YOU.... You HAVE to bring your lusts under control...}

Brother Cain

{Cain was a murderer because his parents didn't train him properly.. Your kids are going to be JUST like CAIN if you don't control them.. You are responsible for your kids misbehavior...}

* I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents

{You are still lusting after Babylon...}

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect - perfectionistic systems

{I'm not coming to visit you until you get your life straightened out... You can't come to church until you complete the correspondence course.. Have you PRAYED about your problem? If you are late for opening services, it is because you were lazy... Don't expect God to bless a lazy person... Mr. ________ doesn't believe in church government

(from pulpit) Take your CHILD, Mrs. ______and don't come back in until you have it UNDER CONTROL

(from pulpit) GLUTTONS will NOT enter the Kingdom, Mr/Mrs. __________

I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage

{You've made a FOOL of me in front of the minister.... What in the WORLD is the matter with you at services.... God will put you into the Tribulation if you don't obey your parents! What on EARTH prompted you to dance with that BLACK girl? Do you kids WANT to be in the Lake of Fire?}

The cruel remarks of siblings

{Dad said stay away from that kid, his hair is too long... You can't take her, you KNOW she is dating out of the church...}

The jeering humiliation of other children

{You can't come to the church pre-schooler's party... You can't come to the youth dance because you dated out of the church...}

The awkward reflection in the mirrors

{I'll never be like Mr. ___________ I wish I could be as good as the minister's wife.... You need to follow Mr. ________'s example, stand up, speak up, sit down, shut up....}

The touch that feels icky and frightening

The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust

{Don't be afraid to SPANK your child...you MUST BREAK that rebellious attitude... You come with me RIGHT now, young man/lady... I said....SHHHHHHHH.....and I meant it......}

I am intensified by A racist, sexist culture

{Why are you asking me, don't you have a husband? If you obeyed your husband these things wouldn't happen to you... The MAN is in CHARGE of his family, and don't you forget it! Women are not allowed to preach... The Blacks sit on one side of the aisle, whites on the other... Blacks can NOT dance with WHITES at the youth dances! Inter-racial marriage/dating is a SIN before God... God SEPARATED the RACES and Satan is trying to mix them...}

The righteous condemnation of religious bigots

{Those people are blinded by Satan.... They are in the WORLD, avoid them, you are NOT in the world... They don't know the TRUTH....}

The fears and pressures of schooling

{I'm sorry but I have to take some days off for church holy days.. You can't take part in Christmas activities... You can't go to track meets on Saturday...}

The hypocrisy of politicians

{I am a deacon and I'm telling you your attitude is a SIN... You will carry my brief case.... My lawn needs mowing this week...}

The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems

{You are not remembering the "hoary head," and that is a SIN... When are you going to start remembering the widows.....}

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black person, a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into A bitch, a kike, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, a selfish little bastard

{They belong to BABYLON the MYSTERY RELIGION.... They are PAGAN, and God HATES them....}

I bring a pain that is chronic

A pain that will not go away

{The reason you are depressed is you don't trust CHRIST.... You don't have the FAITH it takes to get well....}

I am the hunter that stalks you night and day

Every day everywhere

{You have to behave properly out in the world, everywhere.... You never know who is watching your example..... You might be responsible for someone falling away.... You husbands are not loving your wives.... You wives are not honoring your husbands...}

I have no boundaries

{Your dreams tell you what you are thinking about too much.... You have white sugar in your cupboard... Her home is a MESS.... You know this church by the junk car parts strewn down the highway on the way to .....}

You try to hide from me

But you cannot

Because I live inside of you

{I know I can't be like him... I know God can't hear my prayers... I can't be worthy to take Passover... God is punishing me for my sins.... This trial is because of my lack of faith...}

I make you feel hopeless

{If you don't repent, you will wake up one morning and EVERYONE will be gone to the Place of Safety except YOU... Not many wise or noble are Called....just look around...}

Like there is no way out

{You will hear the soldiers marching and it will be too late...

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

{You men have to go to Club if you want to grow... You people need to CONTROL those children... If you can't obey headquarters you don't belong here... You can't GOVERN until you learn to be GOVERNED.... If you want to serve, sign up on the lists in back.... If NOT....someone will be doing your job for you...}

My pain is so intense, You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment, and unconscious ego defenses

{Yes, I took the Passover.... Yes, I went to the Feasts.... You kids are going to learn the story of ELIJAH and how ELIJAH killed the bad priests... You know the TRUTH, and they don't.... Sorry, my kids don't play outside on the Sabbath... If you'd join the choir and get busy IN the Church.... They are OUT there and you are SAFE, in HERE, fellowshipping..}

>My pain is so intense That you must numb out and no longer feel me.

{Isn't it wonderful when you end a fast.... We have church activities almost every NIGHT.... The family is having more problems because we let up on daily bible studies... You wouldn't have that problem if you'd study your bible 30 minutes a day, and pray 30 minutes per day...}

I convinced you that I am gone - that I do not exist - you experienced absence and emptiness

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I am the core of co-dependency

{You have to LEARN to lead by learning to be OBEDIENT... You can't be a leader if you don't take part in ______Club You are not working hard enough at being a CHRISTIAN... The women's club subject this week: Being a better wife! You are not being part of the Body if you don't take part in all the church activities....}

I am spiritual bankruptcy

{So it is not correct, God will straighten it out.... If you don't feel like submitting to authority, there's the door... You can't be in the Body of Christ, be divorced and remarried...}

The logic of absurdity

{If you sin, you will DIE in the LAKE of FIRE... God ordained you, but I can and WILL take away your credentials! Christ can't save you if you wilfully disobey and keep smoking/ drinking/overeating.... Christ can't save you if you disobey and intermarry....}

The repetition compulsion

{Sabbaths, Holy Days, Picnics, Youth Activities, Sabbath School, Choir practices, Men's Club, Women's Club, Graduate Club, Deacon and Elder meetings, Money Raising Projects, Pre-school Parties, Elementary School Parties, Youth Ski Trips, Youth Days, weekly bible studies, Men's basketball, laity operated summer camps....}

I am crime, violence, incest, rape

I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions

I am insatiability and lust

I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner's Flying Dutchman,

Dostoyevski's underground man, Kierkegaard's seducer,

Goethe's Faust

{Each of you harbors LUSTS that will destroy you... No, at this rate he WON'T find faith when he returns...}

I twist WHO YOU ARE into what you do and have

{You can't be made perfect if you get in the way of Christ... You can't be resurrected if you SIN.... The reason you are POOR is you are a POOR steward of what God has given you... He is a deacon/minister because he PROVED it to the ministry... You want to be blessed like me, get your PRAYER life in order...}

I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations

{This Church can trace it's laying on of hands right back to the APOSTLES.... Your apostle can trace his heritage back to DAVID.... Your ONLY hope is to repent and try to stay close to God...}

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

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