Witte: Cute Furry Animals on a Boat

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, God decided everyone on the earth had become so incredibly evil that he just couldn't take it any more. The only one who God chose to communicate with directly in all the land was Noah, who he spoke to in dreams and visions. Apparently, Noah was favored in God's eyes because he was blameless, a "godly" man. For this reason he was the only one fortunate enough to be in the loop when it came to God's expectations and intentions. He took old man Noah for a walk one day and let him know how disappointed he had become with his human creations. In fact, he was downright angry that these beings he had brought into existence had fallen so short of his desires. It's not appropriate to say God makes mistakes -- that would be blasphemous -- but he did regret all that he had created. And just as you would expect with any reasonable Creator, he blamed the creation instead of the creator. He had grown tired of waiting for his human creatures to figure out how to live their lives to please him. They just weren't figuring things out. Perhaps like a potter who realized that the clay he has molded just wasn't shaping up as he had originally envisioned he decided he would need to destroy it.

Now realize, the Bible, which eventually became God's recognized "guidebook" for mankind wasn't around in those days, so people had even less of a clue what the great God wanted. But who's in a position to point fingers here? You can't blame God for that. There were those few that believed God spoke to them in dreams. And they expected others to listen when they'd pass on the supposed words of God to them. But most just laughed at these people, unlike you would expect people today to react if someone claimed that the great God spoke to them in a dream. We're a much more God-fearing creature today and truly listen when someone makes this claim. I mean, come on, if you believe God is talking to you in a dream, then you better believe people are going to listen to what you have to say. You'll never be called crazy. But I digress.

Sure, the great Creator may have been a little vague and uncommunicative about his expectations, but that was no excuse as far as he was concerned. God did create human beings with the ability to choose their actions. And God decided that their evil ways were too much for him to stand. So, he decided to wipe every living creature off the face of the earth and start over with a few souls he'd save that would repopulate the earth later. Now, you might think God would snap his fingers and in a painless instant stop every heart from beating, where no living creatures knew what hit them. But God had a much different plan. He wanted to really make his point with a slow painful death, something more dramatic. So, he decided to flood the entire planet Earth with water. But how would he save the few that were to repopulate the earth? That's why he was talking to old man Noah, you see.

He instructed Noah to build a huge boat out of wood called an ark. So for hundreds of years Noah and his family built this vessel of all vessels -- as tall as a skyscraper and longer than a football field. People lived for hundreds of years in those days, which came in handy when God gave you a project of this scale to tackle. It takes a lot of man-years to put a boat together of this size when you've only got hand tools and animals to work with. The plan was for the ark to not only hold Noah and his family, but also a male and female of each kind of animal and living creature on the earth. It may be hard to believe two of every type of living creature could be housed in even a boat this large, but hey, when you've got God on your side, anything is possible.

Needless to say, folks thought Noah and his family were pretty crazy for spending such an inordinate amount of energy and time building an ark of mammoth proportions when it hardly rained. And shame on the people for not having more sense to recognize that nobody in their right mind would go to this kind of effort unless they were certain a flood was coming. Sure, it may have been a dry climate and all, but that's just stupid to think it couldn't happen. But, the people still thought Noah was a crazy old man. Like fools they laughed themselves silly. But they were much more stupid in those days. Today, for example, if someone were building an ark in the Arizona dessert, nobody would think they were crazy; at least not anyone who is really God-fearing. So anyway, they finally got the ark completed. The cute little animals marched into Noah's ark two-by-two. And then Noah, his family and all the animals were tucked away tight in the ark. And even still the stupid people were laughing themselves silly.

Long story short, God ended up flooding the whole earth with water, just like Noah said. All the little children from around the world were ripped from their parent's arms by violent rushing waters. Everyone, including parents, grandparents, teenagers, toddlers and little babies, were all slammed against trees and huge jagged rocks by the rushing water. If not killed by the violent blows to their bodies, then they were eventually suffocated by churning waves of water. Now this might sound horrible, but remember, these people were stupid and evil. Well, maybe not the innocent little babies. But, hey, God brought them into the world, so by all means he has every right to take them out in whatever way he chooses, no matter how unnecessarily violent it may seem to you and me today. Besides, it was a much less civilized world then, people were used to more violent deaths. In fact, God had grown tired of the violence, so he decided to kill everyone in a violent manner, even the children who didn't know better.

So the whole world, man, woman, child and beast was wiped out by drowning waters sent by our loving, merciful, all-powerful and just God above. So, remember. Be good and seek God, because he might get so angry that he won't just kill you, but he might decide to make you die a painful agonizing death through drowning. And don't get yourself all in a wad about it, because after all, he is God and he has every right to torture his human creations in any manner he sees fit. Oh, but I forgot the rainbow! God made a rainbow appear as a sign of his promise to never flood the earth again! God IS good!!! But wait, what about all the natural disaster like floods, earthquakes and hurricanes? I'm confused. But... ummm...God IS good!!!

I love this story. It's a perfect story for impressionable little children. You've got this amazing ark, Noah and his loyal family and the cute little animals that rode out the big scary flood brought by God to punish the evil people of the day. It was God's way of saying "oops" and starting over. This is why I love to see expecting parents decorating their baby rooms with the "Noah and the Ark" motifs. It gives me goose bumps to walk into a child's room and see cute pictures of giraffes sticking their big long necks out of the ark as it floats upon the blue waters that covered the earth.

Why don't they depict the babies and children gasping for air stuck under huge rocks and branches, water slowly covering their heads as their mommy and daddy watch it all. Evil babies and children. Evil mommy and daddy.

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