Just in!
Russell has broken the Source Code used for programing the Mindless, Misleading, MONEY Hungry, Ministerial Robots of the xcg's.* This code courtesy Russell
* This source code is proprietary and should not be shared outside the
* ordained ministry of The Cult. Any violators will be sued for every
* penny they have, their daughters will be molested by our leader, and
* you will turn an ugly shade of green as all your blessings are removed.
*/
include/* Our leader's mouth */
include/* We didn't have much choice but to string our members along. */
include/* for backward compatibility with previous versions of leadership */
define MEMBER "sucker"
define MEMBER2 "mindless drones"
define CHANGE "lip service to Hank Hannegraaf"
define HWA "he was a goodman. Honest. Oh that dildo? Well, I, uh..."
define VICIOUS_INTERNET_LIES "that molested daughter who never existed"
define Worldwide Church of God "the One True Church"
define UCG "the One True Church"
define PCG "the One True Church"
define GCG "the One True Church
define HERETICS "those who are not members of the One True Church"
define HOLY_DAYS MONEY_DAYS
define MONEY_DAYS HOLY DAYS
ifdef Worldwide Church of God_MEMBER define MANTRA "You're welcome to worship any way you want. Just send the money." endif
ifdef UCG_MEMBER
define MANTRA "We're running out of money. Bye bye ministers!"
endif
ifdef PCG_MEMBER
define MANTRA "You're mine! All mine! Send your money or else!"
endif
ifdef ICG_MEMBER
define MANTRA "Pay no attention to that man wanking under the video camera, I have a church to run!" endif
define OTHER_DENOMINATIONS "Threats to our money base."
define MEMBERS_WHO_HAVE_LEFT "Unsaved heathens who stopped sending us money"
define MEMBERS_WHO_STAYED SUCKERS
int main() {
if (PERSON_WHO_WRITES_SOURCE_CODE_WRITES_IN_FORTRAN_OR_PASCAL) {
printf("Sorry, you don't know a real programming language.");
}
if (MEMBER_IS_ABOUT_TO_LEAVE) {
if ((CHURCH_VERSION == BEFORE_CHANGES) &&
(CHURCH_TYPE == Worldwide Church of God)) ||
(CHURCH_VERSION == MIRED_IN_THE_PAST) {
printf("You heathen! You'll burn!");
} else {
printf("Does this mean you'll stop sending us
money? :(");
}
}
if (MEMBER_HAS_LEFT) {
if ((CHURCH_VERSION == BEFORE_CHANGES) &&
(CHURCH_TYPE == Worldwide Church of God)) ||
(CHURCH_VERSION == MIRED_IN_THE_PAST)
printf("You're dead. We hope you repent. We'll
never speak to you again. By the way, keep sending money.");
} else {
printf("Does this mean you'll stop sending money?
:(");
}
}
if (VICIOUS_INTERNET_LIES) {
printf("You don't have the spirit of christ");
if (WARNING_IGNORED)
rant();
rave();
get_kicked_off(list_or_whatever);
exit(1) /* error status */
}
}
if (SOMEONE_SAYS_SOMETHING_WE_DONT_AGREE_WITH) {
tell_person("You are lost");
tell_person("You're not christian");
tell_person("You're gonna burn");
rant();
rave();
fill_with_righteous_indignation(self);
act_hateful_and_spiteful(for_their_own_good);
}
if (PERSON_MAKES_YOU_UNCOMFORTABLE) {
tell_person("You are lost");
tell_person("You're not christian");
tell_person("You're gonna burn");
rant();
rave();
fill_with_righteous_indignation(self);
act_hateful_and_spiteful(for_their_own_good);
}
if (PERSON_DOESNT_AGREE_WITH_YOUR_NARROW_VIEWPOINT) {
tell_person("You are lost");
tell_person("You're not christian");
tell_person("You're gonna burn");
rant();
rave();
fill_with_righteous_indignation(self);
act_hateful_and_spiteful(for_their_own_good);
}
if (BLACK_PERSON) {
tell_person("We're not racist");
spread_rumor("He's a troublemaker");
disfellowship(BLACK_PERSON);
rant();
rave();
if (BLACK_PERSON_IS_BITTER) {
tell_person("It's all in the past now");
expect(black_person_to_forgive);
}
}
if (MEMBER_HAS_NO_JOB) {
note_to_self("Member can't send money anymore");
evaluate(attitude);
tell_person("You have an attitude problem");
disfellowship(person_with_no_job);
if (PERSON_COMMIT_SUICIDE) {
cluck();
tell_everyone_else("He had a demon");
ask(for_more_money);
if (CHURCH_VERSION == CHANGED_WCG) {
printf("He's in heaven now.");
} else {
printf("He's going to the lake of fire");
}
}
if (RUNNING_LOW_ON_MONEY) {
ask(for_more);
} else if (RUNNING_REALLY_LOW_ON_MONEY) {
ask(again_using_guilt_trip);
}
if (MONEY_KEEPS_FALLING) {
tell_members("Church in jeopardy, God's not happy with
you");
}
if (OUT_OF_MONEY) {
sell(property);
charge(subscriptions_for_magazine_noone_wants_anyway);
tout(good_stewardship);
pay_off_ministers();
ignore_members_who_sweated_and_toiled_to_pay_for_the_new_car_every_two_years();
laugh(in_members_faces);
}
if (REALLY_OUT_OF_MONEY) {
look(pitiful);
}
if (EX_MEMBER_IS_BITTER) {
make_fun(member);
ignore_member();
member_has_a_daemon_anyway();
}
if (LIES_ARE_EXPOSED) {
tell_person("It doesn't matter now anyway.");
tell_person("You're bitter and spiteful");
if (NEW_CHRISTIAN) {
tell_person("This is an obvious sign that you're not looking to Jesus. You're gonna rot in hell if you don't repent");
tell_person("You need to find Jesus like I have!");
tell_person("I am so much more righteous than you");
laugh_at_person();
ignore_person();
close_mind();
wallow();
} else {
stay_confident(THEY_RE_GOING_TO_BURN);
look_smug();
laugh_at_person();
ignore_person();
close_mind();
wallow();
}
}
if (PERSON_HAS_WEB_PAGE) {
try_to_crack(web_page);
try_to_get_provider_to_take_down(web_page);
raise_holy_hell(about_web_page);
tout("I'm doing God's work by ruining this person's web page");
grumble();
rant(when_web_page_doesn't_come_down);
rave();
wank();
}
if (PERSON_SHOWS_SIGNS_OF_INDEPENDENT_THOUGHT) {
tell_person("That's dangerous");
laugh_at_person();
rant();
rave();
}
if (SOMEONE_SPEAKS_TRUTH_ABOUT_DEAD_LEADER) {
rant();
rave();
rant();
rave();
become_impotent_with_rage();
rant();
rave();
act(like_your_world_is_falling_apart);
venerate(DEAD_LEADER);
dead_leader(COULD_DO_NO_WRONG);
ignore_facts();
live(in_your_own_little_world);
rant();
rave();
spout(spittle);
drool(with_righteous_indignation);
}
look(for_more_money);
main();
}
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