And The Worldwide Church of God Monkeys
In a cage there are five apes. In the cage hangs a banana on a string over some stairs. Before long, one ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana, but as soon as he touches the stairs, all the apes are sprayed with ice cold water.
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -- all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
After awhile, if an ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it .
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Replace another original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
Here Are Some Questions About The Monkeys
1) Would they have to tithe on the bananas they did get? And if they did, would they tithe the gross banana or only on the banana after the peeling was removed?
2) Was there a council of elder monkeys who actually decided how to administer both the bananas and the cold water?
3) Who was actually in charge of the cold water? Did they assume that the cold water was a punishment from God?
4) Did the original monkeys have an apostle sent forth to gather the first bananas?
5) When the original monkeys left the scene, how were the new leaders of the monkeys selected? Was it a simple majority? Did it require 2/3rds vote of the general council of monkeys? Were the new leaders elected for life, or did they just get 2, 4, and six year terms?
6) Did the original leader of the monkeys commit incest with its progeny?
7) Did the leaders of the monkeys deny treatment for the other monkeys sprayed with cold water and insist that they had to get warmer by faith alone? Did the leaders themselves get preferential treatment and were they allowed "corrective warming"?
8) What were the rules surrounding monkey families: Were divorced monkeys allowed to remarry, or did they have to remain celibate after divorcing, because it was sin to remarry? Also, were the leader monkeys exempt from the rules?
9) Were any of the prophecies of the leader monkeys ever disproved by water not spraying?
10) Did the leader monkeys tell the others that the cold water was retribution from God for lusting after the bananas (the way of give, versus the way of get)? And was it later proved that the leader monkeys were in cahoots with the experimenters and were secretly supplied bananas THEY lusted after?
11) Did the successor monkey leaders change all the doctrines concerning the banana gathering?
12) Did the leader monkeys teach that by denying themselves the privilege of the bananas that they would enter into a kingdom filled with bananas after they died? And did they teach that if they did not believe with all their hearts in the doctrine, they would be denied access to bananas for all eternity, and be peels under the feet of the righteous monkeys?
13) Did the council of monkeys explain that the cold water was there to "build character"? Or did they explain that we couldn't know the ways of the cold water, since it had understanding on a higher plane of existence?
14) Did the council of monkeys brag about the fact that they published a magazine about "The Good News" about the return of access to the bananas?
15) Did the council of monkeys hold festivals to celebrate the time that the bananas would return? Did the follower monkeys have to a second tithe to attend the festivals?
16) Did the council of monkeys commission a new song book celebrating the bananas? Or the cold water? Or both?
17) Was the president of the council of monkeys fired from his job under mysterious circumstances? Did he make a telecast pilot on the cold water and the bananas which was never aired?
18) Were booklets issued about the cold water and bananas? "Does cold water exist?" "Why must righteous monkeys suffer?" "The seven laws to get bananas?" "What happens after we get wet?" "Is there a banana after cold water?" "The proof of cold water?" "Pagan bananas or cold water festivals, which?" "Tithing for bananas" "The Plain Truth about getting warm after climbing for bananas?"
19) Did Mike Wallace ever interview the unconverted leader monkeys on 60 minutes? And did he make fools out of them? Who made the best secret tapes?
20) Was there an evangelist monkey that went around to all the monkey sites preaching about the wonderful banana world tomorrow, and what it would be like? And were his sermons over three hours long on average?,
21) Did any of the monkeys ever figure out the ruse and decide that the whole cold water thing was just a cult?
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