MYSTERY OF THE AGED
by Herbert W. Armstrong

CHAPTER I
THE GREAT MYSTERY OF LIFE.

Did you ever ask yourself: "Who am I? What am I? Where can I send 40% of my pre-tax income on a regular basis?" Now you can understand!

WHY DID I WRITE THIS BOOK? I lived a long, active, intestinal-packed life. I lived through the horse and buggy age, the automobile and industrial age, the no sex from Loma age, and the let me talk about the two-trees-again age. I saw the twentieth century develop into a state of mind-boggling advancement technologically. I now find online pictures of girls that remind me of my daughters at 12 years old!!! Paradoxically, I have seen alarming escalation of GHASTLY evils, like people who DARE to question God by questioning ME.

CHAPTER II
THE MYSTERY OF BEING REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT.

I have traveled over this globe we call Earth in modest but high-quality Gulfstream III. I have visited with captains of industry, emperors, kings ( its a photo-op if you have cash) and the owner of a spa in Switzerland. I have rubbed shoulders (and a few other things) with the rich and the very poor (primarily church members), but the rich are a lot more fun. And through this long and perverted life I have asked myself many questions that were deep mysteries to me, and remain unanswered and unexplained mysteries to a WORLD HELD CAPTIVE.

CHAPTER II
THE MYSTERY OF MY EARLY YEARS.

When I was five, my father said I was going to be a charlatan when I grew up because I was always copying things without giving due credit. I wanted ATTENTION. I craved ATTENTION. After so many years I realize now that God has given me the ATTENTION I deserve, a mystery that remains an enema in the carnal mind.

How did all this happen? I was reared in a Protestant church, but I never heard these plaguing questions explained in church. If they had the answers, why couldn't I ever get Loma to take her top off? That question puzzled me and is the mystery to be cleared up in this volume. How I came to understand began at age 34, but it only began there. The final CRYSTAL-CLEAR reason that IMPELLED me to write this book did not fully reveal itself to my mind until December of 1984 when I was walking around my hotel room in the nude. It was a MIND-BOGGLING realization -- a pivotal TRUTH -- INTESTINAL FORTITUDE!!!!

CHAPTER III
THE MYSTERY OF INTESTINAL FORTITUDE.

    The opening my mind to the truth began in the summer of 1926 after constant nagging from Loma. While pondering if this ice-queen will ever thaw to me, I began to ask myself: "Who am I? WHAT am I? WHY is there so little INTESTINAL FORTITUDE in the world today??? I tried to REASON out the answer, but I couldn't. It was a mystery.

    I was forced into an in-depth study into the theory of elimination. From the restroom of the  Eugene Public Library, I studied the works of Charmin and Scott, leading me to question everything. Plus, it was a chance to get away from Loma's constant nagging and relentless angelic visions.

CHAPTER IV
THE MYSTERY OF INTESTINAL FORTITUDE.

    These worldly intellectual thinkers had become aware of the increasing knowledge about processed foods. I quickly uncovered that in the thirty-five years of life expectancy people had until the twentieth century, MAN ate unprocessed foods and pooped regularly. Life was full and ABUNDANT, lived with ZESTFULL joy!!!! Today, with a life expectancy of seventy-eight, people are dying because they IGNORE God and his laws.

    Man has been mystified by his inability to solve his problems, like providing enough restrooms for women at large events. All these mysteries were long ago revealed by the one supreme authority of all knowledge, but in a coded message not allowed to be revealed and decoded until our time when I figured it all out.

CHAPTER V
THE MYSTERY OF THE WONDERFUL WORLD TOMORROW.

    After many months of virtually night-and-day intensive study in the library stall, the answers were REVEALED to me with proof that was POSITIVE, ABSOLUTE, although with a slight earthy odor. What came forth was to become the FOUNDATION of my revealed knowledge, of which I would eventually issue to the church on a regular basis.

    I learned, in this night-and-day library study stall, that the full explanation or truth of any one subject is seldom made COMPLETE and clear in any one sitting. A true and full understanding of this VITAL subject is profitable only when perhaps several other passages, scattered throughout GYCG literature, are put together in an incomprehensible way by me.

    Someday, I was going to build a feast site with concrete-block bathhouses every 100 yards. Big Sandy is simply a fulfillment of prophecy!!! In the World tomorrow, there will be bathhouses galore, with stalls for all the firstfruits!!! However, everyone except the ministry will be on the cleaning crew,  just like the church today.

 

CHAPTER VI
WHAT MYSTERY? I TOLD YOU I KNEW THE ANSWERS.

    As you read and reread this book, compare it constantly with GYCG literature. See these truths with your own eyes, in your own stall. And open your mind to TRUTH as you do. After one hundred readings, it will make sense as nothing ever did before.

    Time will prove this to be the most important book ever written. Not because of literary excellence or the language of scholarship, but because I never finished high school and learned to bluff so well.

 
CHAPTER VII
MYSTERY SOLVED: SEND MONEY NOW!

    And now, as a living-impaired Apostle, I have been led to write this book after this life ended, my revealed knowledge of the mystery of the aged- if one is only willing to commit to brown sugar, whole wheat bread, non-pasteurized milk and giving 40% of your income to me.

    Yet some continue to reject this revealed knowledge, and are responsible for the death of my wife of fifty years. They became a spiritual bowel blockage to the church, earning them a spot in the LAKE OF FIRE. Don't let this happen to you!  SEND MONEY NOW!!! YOUR ETERNAL LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!!

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