House built on tithes

We've had a peek at the Weinland house already. Now, whose modest home is this?

According to an unconfirmed posting on an LCG board, this is the abode of Dr. Roderick C. Meredith, Presiding Evangelist of the Living Church of God.

Nice.

It's good to know that the Eternal is taking good care of his faithful commander-in-chief.

If you'd like to contribute to the upkeep of the gardens, remember, Rod's meager stipend is made possible through your generous, sacrificial tithes and offerings.

Update: For details on the Meredith domicile - all from publicly available records - click over to the Mecklenburg County Real Estate Lookup System, enter Rod's name in the search field and, ta-da! Click on the photo link at the top of that page and you'll find that the picture is indeed genuine (though perhaps a little dated.)

Bye bye BI (II) - Hose(a)d Off

A further excerpt from Presiding Evangelist Rod Meredith's current editorial.

Many biblical prophecies predict what is starting to happen to the U.S. and British-descended peoples. The entire book of Hosea, in fact, is a dual prophecy - describing what was going to happen to those nations in ancient times, and what is about to happen to them today, during the prophesied "time of the end."

Say what?

The entire book of Hosea?

Says who?

I'm currently suffering through a 200-level paper on Old Testament Prophets. The content is fascinating despite a truckload of reading. The focus is on the so-called "minor prophets", including Hosea, so I've been hitting the books and cruising the commentaries. Here's the thing, none of them mention this supposedly self-evident "fact."

Frankly, I don't think Meredith has a clue about the prophets. I can almost guarantee that he's never got off his fat half-acre and familiarized himself with scholarship on this section of the Hebrew Bible.

Which is fine, most people are too busy living their lives to fuss about such obscure things... unless of course they set themselves up as experts on the subject.

People like Meredith, Flurry, Pack...

Here's my challenge to Meredith, or any other BI defenders: find one genuine scholar in the last fifty years who finds the "fact" of "dual prophecy" present in Hosea. Cite one recognized academic publication that gives credence to this position.

But it's worse than that. Qualified commentators (those who've done the hard yards Meredith hasn't) not only fail to mention this curious "fact", but instead find a whole level of meaning in these ancient texts that have nothing to do with BI. I'm willing to bet Meredith and his myrmidons are totally ignorant of that: a whole, gaping "missing dimension" to their understanding of the prophets.

Am I saying Meredith hasn't got a clue? Absolutely!

BI doesn't self-destruct solely on scientific grounds such as DNA research (although you'd think that'd give the densest champion of British-Israelism pause for thought), but also because it turns much of the Bible into a caricature of itself.

More on this later.

Bye bye BI

Good wines are said to mature with age. Age in homo sapiens, the adage goes, brings wisdom.

Well, that ain't necessarily so.

Take Roderick C. Meredith for example. Here's a clip from his July-August "personal" in Tomorrow's World."

Many thousands of you know that the British-descended and American peoples are, in fact, the end-time remnant of the ancient "House of Israel" which was conquered by Assyria more than two millennia ago, then was taken into national captivity before it supposedly "disappeared."

Many scholars describe those "disappeared" nations as the "Ten Lost Tribes of Israel." But, although most historians lost sight of them, they did not disappear! Today, the descendants of those nations can be identified clearly as the peoples of northwestern Europe, Britain and the former Commonwealth nations, and the United States.

Baloney.

First, Spanky can't even get the facts straight about the Commonwealth. Big news Rod, it's still in existence. Not that Rod really means Commonwealth countries - which would include a whole bunch of nasty non-Anglo nations. No, Rod means the nice "white" commonwealth. Rod doesn't seem aware that these countries - such as Canada, Australia, New Zealand - are anything but "former Commonwealth nations." Pretty appalling geopolitical ignorance.

But Rod blunders on regardless: these suitably esteemed Anglo nations, along with Old Blighty and melting-pot USA (!) "can be identified clearly" as the "Ten Lost Tribes."

Poppycock.

British-Israel theory was cooked up by a gaggle of dotty Poms in the days of jingoism and Empire, and even then nobody much took it seriously. In these days of ethnographic studies and DNA research poor old Rod is left as high and dry as a Flat Earther.

BI provides a biblical veneer to justify the cultural arrogance, economic exploitation and blatant racism of a past age. You can't get there by any possible method of biblical exegesis: only by a disregard and contempt for both history and scripture - 100% pure eisegesis.

But Rod has spent a long and privileged life learning nothing. The grammophone needle is stuck somewhere between "our English speaking peoples" and "three to five years."

Which is, when you really think about it, pretty pathetic.

Trouble in LCG?

From the Yahoo LCG Board:

Dana Glatz, an elder in the Montana area, left LCG and formed his own tiny group. That is sad. We met the Glatz's at the Feast in Malaysia years ago and are sorry that they have taken this step. Thus, unless he repents, he has apparently decided against being part of the major work to proclaim the gospel for his own priorities. I have heard that there will be something called the Associated Churches of God, but its website is not yet up (as of 11:55 a.m. PDT) it states: "Coming Soon..."

This follows reports of other recent ructions in Dallas, Texas and Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Update: Douglas Winnail's comments (re-posted to the comments section) -

I am writing to inform you that Dana Glatz, an elder serving in the Helena, Montana congregation, has notified us that he no longer desires to be part of the Living Church of God. Mr. Glatz has some different ideas about how to understand and apply the instructions in Matthew 18 for dealing with interpersonal differences within the congregation. It is not clear at this time what Mr. Glatz’s plans are for the future. Several other couples may depart with him, but that also is not clear at this time. Mr. Glatz was asked to come to Charlotte recently to discuss issues related to resolving interpersonal differences within a congregation, however, no details of his doctrinal differences with the Church were mentioned at that time.

Dr. Fall, the Regional Pastor for the Western Region, and his wife were in Helena last Sabbath with 23 in attendance. The Fall’s have visited with members in the Helena area over the weekend—including the Glatz’s and several couples who appear to share their views. I have also been in contact with some of these individuals. Mr. Arnie Lallum, an elder in Great Falls, will work with Dr. Fall in serving the Helena and Great Falls congregations. Your prayers for all concerned will be appreciated.
** This memo is not for public announcement in your congregation—it is merely to inform you of the situation so you can deal with questions or rumors that may circulate.

Rod of Authority

Bare breasted lictors gather unto Rod. Rod of God. Wicked William Ferguson has uploaded prime cuts of oral Meredith to Ekklesia. Head over there now and click on the 1997 Rod of Authority Parody link at the bottom of the page... of the page... of the page.

From the Presiding Plonker

Fred Coulter gets a spanking! I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it, but it's a bit rich when the treatment comes from Mr. Exile-in-Hawaii, Spanky Meredith. You can still read the Herbal letter that put Meredith firmly in his place online... on that basis I'd suggest whatever Spanky says about Fred goes twice for Spanky.


From the Presiding Evangelist

It has come to my attention that a few of our members are meeting with ex-ministers of the Church of God who have been disfellowshipped and marked. One notable example is Fred Coulter. When Fred angrily and very disrespectfully confronted Mr. Herbert Armstrong back in 1979, God's Apostle personally disfellowshipped him. Then Mr. Armstrong immediately called me — as Director of the Ministry — and instructed me to disfellowship and mark Fred Coulter which I did at the time.

In my opinion, Mr. Coulter has continued to poach members away from those who are actually preaching the Gospel to the world and is conducting himself as an enemy of the Church. This is what he did when he opposed the servant of God who taught most of us the Truth, Mr. Herbert W. Armstrong.

Therefore, in the name of Jesus Christ, I am now instructing loyal Living Church of God members not to meet with or fellowship with Fred Coulter—a dissident who was personally disfellowshipped by God's Apostle, Herbert W. Armstrong, and publicly disfellowshipped and marked by me personally.

— Roderick C. Meredith


When Rod writes "in the name of Jesus Christ, I am now instructing..." you just have to wonder if this is the same dude who wrote the old Ten Commandments booklet. Clearly a case of taking the Lord's name in vain.

Smitten with an angry Rod?

The following email was in the in-box today. It has been slightly edited:

Rod Meredith visited the churches in southern California this past weekend. His Sabbath sermon at La Crescenta (Los Angeles) was, from what I hear, very harsh. He is very concerned that all 3 churches (L.A., Orange County, San Diego) are falling apart. He gave 5 keys as to why LCG is the true Philadelphian church. He mentioned that a man he used to teach in Bible class is now claiming to be a prophet. This was thought to be a reference to Weinland. He then yelled that anyone to talks badly about LCG or causes trouble in any way by saying anything bad about the ministry will be removed. He was VERY strong. He said that NO ONE is to attend any of the splinters. The threat of disfellowshipment was clearly implied.

I left LCG last summer. Rod is right; the churches in southern Cal are falling apart. One big reason in Los Angeles is, in my view, Jim Meredith, Rod's son. He was ordained an elder in the spring of 2006, but his qualifications for the job aren't obvious... Many people left LCG the very day of Jim's ordination, and others left when Jim said things like "If you're not totally with us, you should leave." Another problem in L.A., in my view, is Jeff Fall, the former pastor. His position is that God is sifting out people and Jeff sees it as his job to force that sifting. He seems to deliberately offend people to test their loyalty. Many said hogwash to that and left. The remaining are loyal and blind and non-thinking. The third problem is what is going on at LCG HQ, which has been well-documented on AW. This is pretty much the sole reason for the destruction of the San Diego church from over 50 to under 20.

Anyway, the entire church has become much more cultish on hierarchical government... It is almost to the point that only the dumb sheep are left.

Uh oh. Not the picture of contentedness you'd glean from reading Bob Thiel's blog is it?

What Meredith knows about Atheists

The aged Presiding Evangelist awoke with a new question buzzing between his gray temples. It was clearly a visionary experience, for when was the last time he had stumbled upon a new question? 1953?

Moving with remarkable rapidity for one so advanced in years, he grabbed a sharp yellow pencil with shaking hands and wrote the question down on the back of the draft co-worker letter he had been working on the night before:

"Why Atheists?"

Not "why atheism?", which might seem the more logical title, but "why atheists?" Clearly this was a case of divine inspiration. The Eternal Himself had appeared to His servant in a dream of Danielic proportions and planted this very question. If only he could remember the dream itself! Perhaps the great God needed to keep his faithful servant humble. Humility, the Presiding Evangelist mused, is no easy thing, but I do my best.

Over the next several days the number three person in the Government of God (under, of course, God the Father and Jesus Christ) pondered deeply on the new question. Long decades of sinless living provided him with keen insight and soon he was penning the profound truth - soon to be published for all the world to see in the March-April issue of Tomorrow's World.

Why atheists? How plain the truth actually is! Atheists have been deceived by the theory of evolution into ignoring the undeniable proof of Bible prophecy!

And if anyone knew about Bible prophecy it was the presiding evangelist.

Perhaps without realizing it, today's atheists basically "hide their heads in the sand" and simply ignore the awesome prophecies of the great God, as recorded in His inspired word! Yet they are not being fully honest intellectually, unless they admit into their minds the knowledge of the great God of creation, and how He has intervened in the past and even now is intervening in human affairs!
(Emphasis in original)

Naturally, it would be problematic to list any or all of those awesome prophecies: it was unlikely, but there's always a smart-ass who insists on checking them out in Eerdmans Commentary or some such "intellectual" reference work, and that would cause problems. If they were tithing as they ought to there shouldn't be a problem - they simply couldn't afford a copy, but nothing could be guaranteed in these Laodicean End Times. Best to keep it general - a quote from Isaiah 46 in the NKJV about "declaring the end from the beginning" should do the trick - and then he could move on to swat a few more dead flies: the six-day creationist types who willfully ignore the gap theory share in the blame for atheists. The question of suffering is checkmated by the concept of free will. False Christianity has muddied the waters...

The presiding evangelist sat back in his leather swivel chair and paused. The new question was answered. It was another inspired article - almost (a little thrill ran down his spine) God-breathed... but one must be humble, and he whispered the word to himself again: almost!

Bob's Ph.D

From Bob Thiel's latest upload:

While I normally do not post corrections here to what blog posters say about the Living Church of God or me, today I thought I would comment on two I noted yesterday from a particular ”author” at a site that seems to bash the COGs (and no, not Gavin Rumney’s site this time).

Well, there's another nail in my reputation. But more interesting is the fact that Bob doesn't name the site he's taken umbrage at. Curious.

Anyway, to be fair to Bob, he's entitled to set the record straight. Here's what he says (in part):

I do have a Ph.D. and it is from the Union Institute & University. And Union is regionally accredited (the highest accepted accrediting standard in the United States for universities and colleges). I also have a Master of Science degree from the University of Southern California (which, of course, is also regionally accredited). I never was a student at Ambassador College. So to post that my academic credentials are from there is false.

And now it's my turn to set the record straight. I'm not "anti-COG" as such. A quick perusal of the recent posting on COG7 demonstrates that (or at least I'd have thought so). Or a check on what I've written about people like Pam Dewey. No Bob, not so much anti-COG as highly selective. Anti-hierarchic? Yes. Anti-manipulation? I hope so! Anti-junk theology? Guilty as charged. Anti-BI? Indubitably. I'd rather put it positively though: pro-critical thinking, pro-accountability...

It's just my opinion of course, but LCG appears to be hierarchic, manipulative and theologically challenged. But everything is relative, and compared to some other sects the Meredith faction is all sweetness and light.

Perhaps Bob himself might be construed as "anti-COG" for his bashing of all COG communities - other than LCG.

Caught by the camera is Bob in the company of the illustrious Dr Meredith (who, unlike Bob, has a shonky doctorate from you-know-where).

In Man's Own Image

Many have tried to twist God’s omnipresence to portray Him as some kind of shapeless “blob”—even though the Bible clearly shows that God has a body and a shape—and it is a shape like ours! Consider Genesis 1:26, which tells us that man is made in God’s image and likeness—words that do convey a sense of shape. We do not use human philosophies to avoid the clear statements of Scripture! Consider, as well, the passage in which God says unambiguously that He has a face, a hand and a back (Exodus 33:18–23)! The only way to understand this passage from Exodus without making a mockery of God’s word is to agree that God has a shape and a body!
I'd forgotten just how numbingly literal Armstrongism was in its doctrine of God till I came across this bit of nonsense in the latest Living Church News. The writer is Wally Smith, the bright new hope among the sect's geriatric generals, but the guy is clearly not an original thinker.

The Armstrong god was always a bit of a monstrosity, and anthropomorphic from His (definitely His) graying head to his neatly trimmed toenails. There's not the slightest subtlety here, the concept of metaphor never reached through the wooden mindset of HWA and his sometime-beloved disciple, Roderick C. Meredith. Does the Eternal have divine genitalia, one wonders? If He does (and if He means He it seems inevitable), they're composed of Spirit, whatever that might mean, and without a Mrs God in evidence, it seems a moot point.

This vision of God, as a man-shaped Sky Father, is about as pagan as you can get. The Old Boy adorns the Sistine Chapel in Rome, and sits enthroned in classical mythology as Zeus and Jupiter Olympus. Among the Israelites this crass literalism was mercifully offset by forbidding images. The Sky Father is a time-honored idol, and a projection of the imagination for those without much imagination.

It's not that the Hebrew Bible doesn't contain anthropomorphisms - as Wally indicates by citing the revelation of Yahweh's "back parts" in Exodus... but honestly, what purpose does he think the celestial buttocks serve? If this is God, then we should all be atheists.

The Ten Terrors of Spanky M

"My friends, in the 58 years that I have been carefully watching world affairs, I have never before been so sobered! I have never before seen such a broad pattern of events begin to come together to clearly indicate that the prophesied Great Tribulation will soon be upon us!"

So writes the Spanker in a November 8 letter to Tomorrow's World subscribers, a copy of which was passed on to me today. Nothing new here. 58 years of crying wolf and getting it wrong. But wait...

"... I now alert all of you to "Ten Terrors" now facing the United States and our British-descended allies."

New truth brethren! But all of you Irish folk, people of Scandinavian descent, Maori, Chinese and others can relax. It seems Spanky thinks you're peripheral - second class observers in the great drama of the ages.

But what about these "Ten Terrors"? Here they are:

I. Increasing Drought, Floods, Fires and Earthquakes!
(yawn)

II. The Growing Power of Islam!
(well, I guess that's a nice change to the growing power of Germany or the EU.)

III. Over 12 Million Illegal Aliens!
(uh, wasn't America built on the sweat of illegal aliens... just ask the Native American folk about those pesky, land-grabbing Pilgrims.)

IV. China on the March!
(another exclamation mark, another failure to mention the Assyrian hordes pouring out of Frankfurt am Main. Do you think Spanky has forgotten the Fourth Reich?)

V. Russia a Growing Threat!
(Russia?)

VI. America Is the "Most Hated" Nation!
(honestly, I think America comes a distant third after a couple of more obvious candidates. I mean no New Zealander is bothered much by a country that doesn't beat us in Rugby... but even if it was true, the US could instantly reverse the trend by canning all those awful reality TV shows exported around the world, and sending Benny Hinn back to wherever he comes from.)

VII. The United States Dollar Heads DOWNWARD!
(excuse me, but when was the greenback declared sacred? But even here, when Rod Almighty has the chance finally to do some serious euro-bashing, he muddies the water by also referring to the Chinese yuan, the British pound [!!!!] and "many other currencies.")

VIII. The Growing Power of "Gay Activists!"
(does this dude read history? Does he know anything about classical Greece? Now that might be a worry... oh but wait: "as I have stated and will prove in an upcoming article in Tomorrow's World magazine, hundreds of respected doctors, psychoanalysts and scientists acknowledge that people are not "born that way."" Do you reckon he's dusting off the 1960s "Queer Men" article?)

IX. Disease Epidemics Coming Soon!
(hey, I have a cough right now!)

X. Our SINS Will Bring Us Down!
"My friends, will we really wake up? ... We are trying to warn America and our British-descended brethren of what lies just ahead."
So if your name is Patel or Singh, slumber on.

Two thoughts: (1) despite all the palaver about sticking to Armstrong's Philadelphian truths, Meredith is clearly de-emphasizing the Assyrian captivity schlock. Shock horror - could Chuckie Bryce and the Packatollah be the genuine voices of the Philadelphia Era after all, and Rod a mere waterer-down of prophetic truth?

The second is just how downright racist, jingoistic and insular the Meredith gospel is.

The country cousins come a callin'

"Next Wednesday, Mr. Ames, Mr. Apartian and I will be visiting the UCG office in Cincinnati. About a year ago, when two representatives from UCG visited our office in Charlotte, they invited us to make a return visit. We found the visit last year was helpful to maintain lines of communication when issues arise of mutual concern."

Douglas Winnail, LCG Update 11/29/07

Well, well. Which issue of "mutual concern" do you think might have arisen? Nothing about this on the COGwriter blog... puzzling because Bob has heaps to say when the Catholic and Eastern Orthodox churches hold a pow-wow (which, unlike this, is hardly "news of the Churches of God"). Could Bob's reluctance be because he's just made his annual unflattering comparison between LCG/UCG financial statements?

Of course they could just be exchanging Xmas cards...

Revisionist history

Remember the Global Church of God, publisher of The World Ahead?

A gaggle of the good and the great departed from the Tkach Dominion in an effort to turn back time. Principal among them, Roderick C. Meredith and Raymond F. McNair.

To cut a long story short, the Global Board dumped the Meredith ego, but the dumbest of the sheep followed the Imperious One into exile. A new all-Meredith sect was established - one where all the less-than-leading evangelists (i.e. everyone other than Rod) - knew their place. Thus was the Living Church of Rod formed.

Meredith took the mailing list, Global was gutted, the GCG defaulted on loans, crashed and burned. A few of the loyalists - those who knew Meredith too well to go whoring after the Imperious Leader - ultimately, like Larry Salyer, ended up in UCG.

The brave attempt to see Meredith off occurred nine years ago, and to mark the occasion Bob Thiel has posted a little revisionist account of the event. Rod is the noble hero, along with his boot-licking cabal. LCG, Bob tells us, has had 2,600 baptisms since then.

Well, with the amount of tithing and obligatory fasting LCG requires, it'd be surprising if there hadn't been a swag of baptisms, and 2.6k indeed sounds impressive compared to some other Armstrong sects.

But what I'd like Bob to share with us all is the retention rate. How many of those who sign up to the pseudo-Philadelphian Work of Rod last twelve months, 3 years, five? WCG itself had a revolving door, and turnover in PCG and the micro-splinters can reach well beyond 50%. How many have been seduced by Chuckie Bryce, Dave Pack, old Uncle Tom Cobleigh and all? In the time I've been following the fortunes of LCG there has been a consistent pattern of hemorrhaging.

The big drama is still in the future when the sweet chariot swings low for the Imperious Evangelist himself. Hands up all those who think there will be a smooth and enduring transition? Alas, Rod's hierarchical mentality can only bequeath a bunfight among the pretenders to the throne. Then the question of the hour will surely be which way Bob will jump.

When will they ever learn

The latest issue of Tomorrow's World is out, and Spanky and his gang are performing their seasonal beat up on Xmas, along with the usual butchery on the text of Revelation.



Notable too is this back page photograph of the Four Horsefeatherers of the post-Herbal Apocalypse. That's Wally Smith, Rod the Ranter, Dickie Ames and Rod the Aussie. Pretty scary, huh.

But fear not, little flock, here's the word from Team Charlotte:

We are definitely living in the “last days”! Christ will undoubtedly return within the lifetimes of the young people growing up today—and many older people may also live to witness this awesome event. (Rod Meredith, p.7)
Well, I bet no-one here has heard that before!

Travail of the Rodomites

An email from a kindred observer of the COG scene arrived today, drawing attention to this little gem of exhortation to the dumb sheep from LCG's Dougie Winnail.

Guidelines for the Feast of Tabernacles (CONDENSED from the September 6 issue of The World Ahead)

To Be Read in All Churches

Beach Parties—Appropriate Swimwear Guidelines

The Living Youth Camp swimwear policy has been adopted for LCG Festival sites. Appropriate attire for women is a modest one-piece suit; men should wear boxer style trunks. Two-piece outfits for women and “Speed-o” type bathing suits for men are not acceptable.
Dance Guidelines

1. All music must be chosen carefully with the approval of the Festival Coordinator or an individual he specifically assigns this task.

2. No “free-style” dancing is permitted.

3. Fellows should politely ask a young lady or woman to dance, i.e.: “May I have this next dance?” If the lady accepts, he should offer his arm to lead her out to the dance floor. When the dance is over, he should lead her back to her table or chair.

4. We discourage “pairing off” of teens at our Church-sponsored dances and encourage dancing with many partners, particularly noting who sat out the last dance. Older singles and engaged couples who are of age may be exempt from this rule.

5. Music should not be so loud that those who prefer not to dance have a difficult time carrying on a conversation.

6. Lighting should not be turned down so low that the average person could not read a book with ease.

7. At any dance organized primarily for youth, all parents are welcome to visit.

8. Appropriate dress for a Church dance in the northern hemisphere is slacks, coat and tie for adult and young men and modest knee-length dress or long gown for adult and young women.

9. A minister should be present for the entire function.

10. Small children should be supervised and not allowed to run or engage in horseplay. These rules and traditions should apply for all our ballroom dances, because they are based upon godly principles of love toward others. Some of these rules obviously do not pertain to square dances, barn dances and dances in other cultures.
I guess it's a mercy to know that Rod and Dougie will be refraining from wearing speedos at the poolside, but beyond that, as the correspondent states: "Sounds almost solidly like the old rules from back in the '60s and '70s. And please note the most important one: A minister must be present for the entire function. Whatever else might have changed within loyalist Armstrongism over the years, one thing that hasn't is that lay people cannot be trusted. Aren't you glad you're out of that crap?"

Pathetic Penmanship?

Bear with me on this one...

I have a friend from WCG days, a foundation member of the church here in New Zealand, now retired, whose anonymity I'll respect (though I know many NZ readers will know exactly who he is.) Let's call him Bill. Always a quick wit, Bill writes humorous verse. He's had his work published in local newspapers and read on air by appreciative radio hosts. His interests are political (no great fan of "political correctness"!) and he does a fine job in gently poking the borax at the troubled events unfolding in the Churches of God.

I've been blessed with poetic missives from this source for several years now, as have many others who know the writer from a shared past. Having a pre-Tabernacles poem arrive on your fax machine, or in the post (Bill usually avoids email) is a rare pleasure. Some of his contributions even featured on the old AW site. That said, he's far more traditional than most readers here when it comes to theology, retaining a lively interest in British-Israel. Usually he signs his work with a nom-de-plume, but everyone knows who it comes from: this Kiwi COGster is definitely in a class of his own.

Okay, so there's the scene set. Now the tale.

Some time back Mr Kinnear Penman, representative of the Living Church of God in NZ, contacted a friend of Bill - another longtime member who has since moved on - to discuss a reunion of folk who were members of the Auckland congregation from the beginning. Bill's email address was passed on to Mr Penman on the assumption that an invitation would be issued.

Nice, huh? Despite the parting of ways, Church of God people can still talk over old times and renew friendships.

Now it turns out that Mr Penman has been on Bill's mailing list too. Mr Penman is not, however, famous for his self-deprecating sense of humor.

In any case, true to his word, the LCG minister did contact Bill.

Now what, might you imagine, would he say?

Dear Bill

I hope you don't mind me contacting you with this email address. Jim kindly passed it on so I could give you advance notice of a forthcoming reunion of church members from the old days. I'll pass on details just as soon as they come to hand.

Thank you for sending me the occasional poetic opus. Life is pretty busy at the moment, and I don't often get the chance to read them through, but there's no mistaking your style! Perhaps in the meantime you could drop me off your list and save postage. I know you'll understand where I'm coming from.

In any event, I'm looking forward to renewing acquaintance at the get-together, and hope you can make it. It should be great to catch up with so many from years past.

With warm Christian greetings
Kinnear Penman
Well, he could have written something like that.

But instead he wrote this.

Bill (or [nom-de-plume])

We are getting sick of receiving your pathetic doggerel. We have absolutely no interest in it. Please desist. Haven't you got something better to do with your time? I guess not.

If you were proud of your miserable efforts at poetic commentary why did you go to such lengths to try, unsuccessfully, to hide your identity? A rhetorical question - no answer expected or wanted.

Go away.

Kinnear Penman
And the title of that email? Surprise!!

Any further comment on my part would be superfluous. Anyone willing to put $5 down on a wager that Mr Penman will get over his outburst and follow up with a fulsome apology?

No, thought not.

God smites LU

The champagne corks were meant to be popping this week as the Meredith Church launched its own niche Bible College, Living University (LU). Instead there were red faces, dark mumblings from church staffers and frustrated students all in a panic judging from what AW has heard.

"Living University was supposed to have gone online either Wednesday or Thursday, but apparently the $30,000 software package purchased to run the whole shebang failed. A number of their first batch of students were calling in, all worried that they wouldn't get credit for what they were taking if they couldn't get online to listen to the sermons, er, college lectures. Great start! So I think some in-house I.T. people were working well into the night Wednesday night and last night to try to write their own program to get things kicked off.

"Don't know if they'll get the $30K back or not... Maybe they finally kicked off today."

Or maybe they just got kicked in the keister by a dissatisfied Deity. I mean, how could this happen to God's remnant Work? Oh wait, silly me, obviously the LCG brethren haven't been praying hard enough. Maybe Rod should call another fast.

Run, Spot, Run

Bob Thiel helpfully reminds us that Living University opens this week with a raft of unaccredited qualifications on offer. Not that Bob uses the "u"-word, and you'll certainly have problems finding any admission that it's an unaccredited operation on the LU website.

But, what-me-worry. Check out the "university" "bookstore" (use of two sets of quote marks is intentional) and you'll get a good idea of the quality of papers on offer. Teaching "Life, Ministry, and Teachings of Jesus" from a Harmony of the Gospels? How unique! The other three key texts are all published by fundamentalist Baker Books.

One text you won't find at LU, I suspect, will be Lester Grabbe's Ancient Israel, the latest offering from a highly respected biblical scholar who just happens to have started out at Ambassador College. Grabbe perhaps uses too many big words to meet the reading age requirements of LU's teaching staff, let alone the students, but the truth is that the guy has real grunt in the academic world. Ancient Israel will be released later this year, but is already available for preorder.

Prospective LU enrollees might better be served by brushing up on their "Janet and John" readers.

Glenn Mattson on LCG

Worth checking out is a raw and honest piece - appropriate perhaps for the season - by former LCG member Glenn Mattson. It was originally posted to the JLF board, but was picked up by Felix Taylor at Post-WCG Life & Theology. I think a lot of us have been where Glenn is at the moment.

Oh Susanna!

The postings have been a bit slow lately. I blame Susanna. Yes, that's her in the painting. She won't mind, she's used to it. In fact I got carried away with the lady and her story, which you'll find in the Book of Daniel, chapter 13.

Susanna has been the subject of the last assignment for Interpreting the Old Testament. Indulge, said the lecturer, in the "hermeneutics of imagination." Herman who?

Some wiseacre is going to point out the fact that there is no Daniel 13. Quite right, but there is in the Septuagint. Grab a Catholic translation (New American Bible, New Jerusalem Bible) and there it is. Feminine beauty, randy old men, spineless husbands, scandal, Perry Mason...

But while I've been dallying in the garden with Susanna, events have moved on in the Living Church of God. What's going on in Canada? Who is Ross Abasolo, and is he really joining Chuckie Bryce? Apparently so. Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

And income is down, sort of. You brethren better dig deep for those Holy Day offerings.

"...there are a number of projected programs we will have to "cut" if the income level does not increase substantially. Satan's recent attacks have certainly had an effect... I am requesting that you ask the brethren to go "all out" in supporting God's Work at this critical time. Please remind them to set aside some extra large offerings for the upcoming Holy Days."
See, I wasn't kidding. Same old, same old... Susanna was a lot more fun.

I suppose it's proof - as if we needed another example - that houses built on sand wash away at full tide.