Brexit: stupid, stupid, stupid

The prophecy pundits are already rattling their tonsils about just how correct their oft-sozzled apostle was (see the cover of the Flurry sect's Trumpet Weekly). The ex-COG commentators are busy responding.

The one comforting thought as Britain shot itself in the foot this week was that stupid prophetic speculation wasn't a factor. A few thousand voters may have been directly influenced by this kind of dispensationalist nonsense, but the size of the winning margin made them totally irrelevant.

While the drama unfolded in the small hours in Europe, those of us half a world away - and lucky enough to have both the time and the technology to do so - could follow events over the course of daylight hours. I monitored BBC coverage (BBC News channel and World Service radio) to start with then moved across to ITV. For light relief I cushioned my disbelief with a panel discussion on Channel 5 once the results were known.

It's increasingly clear that a few old adages are appropriate: (1) be careful what you wish for, and (2) repent at leisure.

Brexit was a project of the far right (think Nigel Farage) appropriated by some of the vilest, self-serving figures in the Conservative Party establishment, think Boris Johnson. David Cameron took on the referendum for purely mercenary political motives and will now go down in history as one of country's worst Prime Ministers.

The reality is that the disadvantaged demographic in England and Wales that fell for the dog-whistle anti-immigration rhetoric - believing the unbelievable promises about prosperity and increased social funding - will now be the first to feel the effects of a downturn that they voted for. Labour was utterly ineffectual - and internally divided - in presenting an alternate, realistic narrative.

And so, what will happen over Gibraltar?

More importantly, what will the effect be of dropping a lighted match on the delicate equilibrium in Northern Ireland?

How will the Scots respond? A version of the Danish enigma (Denmark belongs to the EU but two territories - the Faroe Islands and Greenland - don't) or a fuller independence?

The scary thing is that many British voters simply didn't think through the consequences, and particularly the baby boomers, sucking at the teat of nostalgia and a world that has now passed into history.

I'd be surprised if Johnson is ever elected Prime Minister - though he may be appointed after Cameron - as he has alienated young Brits. As reality hits home to the rest of the community it's unlikely that he'll ever be flavour of the month. He can expect a lot more booing.

Prophecy? No. Stupidity? Yes, in spades.

Brexit - on the countdown with Mel

Not being a Pom, I don't get a vote. But I do have an opinion, as does COGservative blogger Melvin Rhodes.

Earlier James McBride of COGM issued his encyclical on the matter. To give James fair credit, he is a Brit and has a right to express an opinion, however misguided.

Melvin begins his June 21 commentary thusly:

The street murder of Jo Cox, a British Member of Parliament (M.P.), a few days ago, is having a big impact on the Brexit vote due on Thursday.

Until the murder, the “Leave” campaign was winning in the polls; now the “Remain” vote is gaining steam.

The killer, a middle aged white man, was motivated by politics, making this an assassination. He shouted out “Put Britain First” as he was killing her.

That's a fair and accurate introduction. But look where he goes next.

His action showed the frustration of many people his age who are concerned that they are losing their country, that England is being taken over by migrants and its independence seriously threatened by the European Union.

Jo Cox was in favor of Britain remaining in the EU; she was also very supportive of Britain taking in more Syrian refugees. At the same time, she seemed oblivious to the grooming of young white girls by older Muslim males in her own backyard, a scandal that has received a great deal of coverage in the press.

This is a classic example of “The Dream and the Nightmare,” the dream being the social engineering of the liberal-leftist Establishment; the nightmare the frightening consequences that ordinary people have to live through as they try to cope. The politicians behind these decisions live in their affluent suburbs away from those consequences and never have to face the reality.

I know Mel will bridle at the suggestion, but this is clearly blaming the victim. This neo-fascist creep had - according to Mel - justification for his loathsome act. Jo Cox was to blame for holding views that both the murderer and Mel share in common. It's then a cheap shot at the "liberal-leftish Establishment", and the inference that Jo Cox was living a sheltered existence far from the realities that are so obvious to insightful geniuses such as Mel.

Reality check: the current "establishment" in Britain is Conservative (both with and without the capital letter) to the core. British PM David Cameron is anything but "liberal leftish".

And Jo Cox was a Labour MP, not traditionally associated with the affluent, entitled classes. Her constituency is quite a diverse one. A sheltered existence you say? She spent time working for Oxfam before entering Parliament, which is no country-walk, and was something of an authority with lots of real-world experience on the Syrian refugee situation. She certainly knew a lot more about it than Mel. All of that Mel dismisses in favour of a few parroted armchair talking points.

Now Mel is naturally entitled to his view, but it's a blatantly one-sided one. He goes on to blather about largely irrelevant historical matters ranging from Charlemagne to the Treaty of Rome, then delivers the coup de grace.

These revivals of the Roman Empire were actually prophesied in the Bible. Students of the Bible are aware that there is to be a final resurrection of the Roman Empire. You can read about it in Revelation 17:12-14. This passage shows that ten kings, or nations, will come together to form this final version of the ancient Roman Empire. It will clearly be the final revival as the Kingdom of God is established shortly after it. Also note, it’s not going to be the 28 countries that form the EU.

In the event of a Brexit on Thursday, perhaps we will start to see the EU unravel, to be replaced by the ten-nation union that the Bible talks about.

No, the EU is not a resurrection of the Roman Empire. Revelation 17 is not about modern Europe. There is no ten-nation union "prophesied" in Europe. Mel would know this if he invested in a decent academic commentary on Revelation, or sat down with a book that explained the genre of ancient apocalyptic literature. Seems he could never be bothered. His views on Brexit haven't been fashioned through sober, objective analysis; too much like hard work and conducive to headaches in the noodle. No, they've been predetermined by his fundamental (it's tempting to add lazy) misunderstanding of the Bible.

Which is not to say that Mel isn't a fine fellow, generous to small children and kind to companion animals. I've been informed by private email that Mel is in fact a good listener and can be a compassionate counselor. That's commendable. Politically though he's a danger to anyone who takes his views at face value or assumes they're based on fact rather than lurid exegetical fantasy. His "weak tea apologetic" for the brutal murder of a remarkable woman is simply vile. His dragging in of eighteenth-century biblical interpretation to pontificate on these events is deplorable.

However people vote tomorrow in Britain, one can only hope (and perhaps pray) that they don't take fanatical prophecy peddlers seriously when reaching their decision.

If you're looking for a harlot, LCG, try a mirror

Life is tough in Iraq for Christians. No surprise that there's an increasing sense of common identity across old sectarian divides. Nothing unites people like a common threat. The 'prophecy team' who write for LCG's weekly update seem to have been smoking unverified substances, because they've leapt on this as an example of prophecy in action and a foretaste of a Roman Catholic takeover of other "professing" Christian churches.

LCG has a hard time understanding co-operation between churches. The idea of joining a local ministers' fraternal would probably appall them. Seeing ministers and lay people from different traditions participating together in community groups and charities must be deeply puzzling for these exclusivists who are reluctant to even tell us that they've been having nice little chats with cognate groups like COGWA. That they project this inanity on other denominations says more about them than the churches they're commenting on.

As for the Catholic Church, you'd have to be a moron in a hurry not to recognize the deep problems they face in coming to terms with a rapidly changing world. At least they're attempting to make a transition, which is more than you can say for the 'curia' in LCG's gerontocracy.

A COGish view of Brexit

Britons are heading to the polls in a few days to decide on their future in Europe. James McBride, a British-based minister for COGM, formerly with WCG then CGI, has recently opined on the subject. You can read his analysis here.

James' views aren't exactly subtle: "The future of the United Kingdom hangs in the balance, the core question being the vital one of national sovereignty." Surprisingly, "The nation is a divine institution. Nations develop from original family units that have grown large, each developing its unique language, culture, traditions (see Genesis 11)."

But it gets better: "The fusion of disparate nations - different in language, heritage, culture - in a union flies in the face of God's wise decision to establish mankind in sovereign nations."

Uh... where to begin. How about the "United Kingdom" itself. Do we assume James supports independence for Scotland and Wales? On this basis shouldn't the US abandon American Samoa and Puerto Rico?

Then again, might one ask James exactly which "original family units" were responsible for modern nations? In a North American context are we talking about Native American roots? I doubt that's what James means. In a Kiwi context are we talking about the Maori tribes that arrived on great sea-going canoes from Eastern Polynesia? Again, methinks James has something else in mind.

This kind of logic probably made sense in the Europe of the eighteenth century, an age of rampant jingoism. Today, not so much.

Focus on William Miller

The father of Adventism, and hence the Churches of God, was William Miller, an American Baptist preacher active in the 1800s. Know about Willie, know something about the backstory that led to not only Herb Armstrong and the COGs but Seventh-day Adventism and a motley bunch of somewhat related sects which at various stages "cross-pollinated" with the Adventist movement.

Pam Dewey has an excellent discussion on "the Great Disappointment", the inevitable let-down when Willie's prophecies failed dismally, and ties it in with the theory of cognitive dissonance. I found it interesting that Miller wasn't the stereotypical wild-eyed ranter that many assume, and actually moved from a non-controversial Deism to premillennialism over a period of time. Then, as we know, he got caught up in all those confounded numbers in Daniel and Revelation. As do many even unto this very day. Another Willie for example (to wit, William Dankenbring) is currently promoting a new and novel interpretation of the "Seventy Weeks Prophecy" in Daniel chapter 9. Having taking countless pratfalls on prophecy in the past you'd think he would learn to keep his speculations to himself, but alas no. There are lots of dates tossed around in his Prophecy Flash newsletter (affectionately referred to as the Prophecy Flush by some) and long outdated commentaries (Jamieson, Faucett & Brown; Adam Clarke, Alfie Edersheim) are dusted off to back his convoluted logic. You'd need to be a more determined person than me to wade through the schlock in detail but, in the end, Dankenbring determines that 2016 is prophetically significant; fancy that!

But wait, there's more. In the midst of "the week", which the highly knowledgeable Mr. Dankenbring has determined to be a period lasting from 2016 to 2022, the Messiah will return.

Well, it makes about as much sense as 1844 or 1972. The difference is, I guess, that Miller eventually stepped away from prophetic fantasies and number-crunching after he'd made a fool of himself. Our Willie, however, seems ever willing to give it another try.

Maybe he should read Pam's article.

Donald Trump in Prophecy, or Here Come the Germans

It takes a Don to know a Don and Don Billingsley seems to think he has the prophetic 'real oil' on Donald Trump. You might even say that the latest issue of his Philadelphia Remnant mag is "the Trump issue". Trump is - according to Billingsley - playing into the winds of prophecy.

Yeah, right.

There's also a lot of huff and puff about those darn Germans coming to put your loved ones in concentration camps, with more of the same promised for the next issue. Can't wait. Don even writes of "the inherent nature of the average German".

German agents are currently active within the United States as they were before World War II! They are operating behind the scenes in many ways without anyone realizing their mission! Consider and seriously think about the recent massive riots in Chicago against Donald Trump with the foregoing writings of this book in mind; people used, such as George Soros a renegade Jew; instruments used by the unseen underground power players in Germany. 

With all this in mind, we would do well to remember the promise of Germany that is yet ongoing and will soon be realized: “One day we shall come back. Until then, A’ bientot (= goodbye A’ Soon)” (p. 41)

Looking at the cover you might think that you've seen it before. You have. Billingsley, one-time college chauffeur, keeps things simple by using the same cover art over and over again. Not a particularly smart strategy, but as you can see that's nothing compared to the contents.

Don has kindly provided access to his ravings in flipping book format (so that should render it almost completely unreadable to most folk.)  Dig around and you'll find you can download it as a PDF, but you'd be best advised - for sanity's sake - to avoid doing so. Be advised that there are formatting errors throughout the publication. Not a professional look.

As for "prophecy", all these years and Don has learned... nothing. What a waste. Just regurgitating nonsense he heard from Herb and swallowed whole back in the 1950s.

Isn't it a bit ironic that with all the inane drum beating over Germany and a return to Naziism, the real Nazis - authoritarian leaders in the "government of God"-type COGs - get a free ride. How many times was the CAD referred to as the Gestapo?

It's undoubtedly true that Don is an embarrassment to many good, thinking people involved in more moderate COG fellowships. And yet it's also true that such profoundly stupid extremist views were once mainline in Radio Church of God/WCG days, and that a bitter aftertaste remains even in the more respectable bodies. Would it be too much, for example, to expect that the more balanced COG groups should explicitly reject this perverse mixture of racism, cultural myopia, exceptionalism and twisted prophecy?

Apparently it is. If UCG or CGI (for example) were serious about presenting their message in a meaningful way, they'd long since have publically washed their hands - no weasel words - of this hogwash. The cost, though, would involve lost tithe-payers. The benefit? Some modicum of credibility.

The PDF is available to download

The FB format is available here

"Urgent Understanding"

The Midnight Cry calls itself "a magazine of urgent understanding". Not so urgent in that not a single issue appeared last year. But wait, 2016 has kicked off with an overdue reappearance.

Cry is published by the Church of God's Faithful, a breakaway from PCG, led by Robert Ardis. Though it has a low profile among the splinters, it manages to operate mailing addresses in England and New Zealand as well as its main office in South Carolina.

Ardis obviously believes that he is a key figure in the great scheme of things.

I have stated quite a few times that I believe we of the CGF have as much or even MORE faith than many of the righteous characters of the Old and New Testaments! (p.3)

I have not seen God or heard His voice. But I have, on many occasions, felt His presence and have been directly guided by His Spirit to certain verses of Scripture that He wanted me to apply in my life. The CGF is God’s true Church, and we use the Holy Bible, through which Christ speaks to us. (p.3)

 And wouldn't you know it, CGF is mentioned in Bible prophecy.

Gerald Flurry was raised up to lead the Laodicean work of Jesus Christ and to reveal the apostasy in the WCG. But, as predicted in Revelation 3:14-20, the Philadelphia Church of God (PCG) became a lukewarm church doing Mr. Flurry’s work instead of the work of God.

However, God had reserved a few faithful brethren to carry on the Philadelphia work of the sixth candlestick of Revelation 3:7-13. And they were ready (although they did not know it) for the Day of the Lord and the secret coming of Jesus Christ as “a thief in the night” (II Pet. 3:10). This happened 12 years after Mr. Armstrong gave his final message to the WCG at the Feast of Trumpets 1985! The Gospel of the Kingdom of God had been successfully proclaimed to the world as a witness to all nations. Now it was time for the message, “The Kingdom of God is at hand,” to go out in power!

On the Feast of Trumpets 1997, the Day of the Lord came as a thief in the night, and the living Christ came suddenly to His Temple (Mal. 3:1). A new 19-year time cycle also began on that date on the sacred Hebrew Calendar and we have now come to the 19[th] year of this time cycle. Has God given us this one 19-year period to get the bride of Christ ready for her Husband? If He has, we have much work to do. (p.3)

Yes, those 19-year time cycles are back.

This is a sure thing. Revelation 3:9 will be fulfilled, and I still wonder whether we have only a little less than two years to complete our work of preparing the bride! (p.4)

 Ardis relates a personal testimony to his faith.

I am a sick, old man and it is difficult even to write this article... I look forward to the healing that God is going to do for me soon, and for all of us in the CGF... I have been afflicted with cancer of the bone marrow for seven years. It has been a “thorn in my flesh”! (p.4)

So here's the reason for the blip in publishing. Yet Ardis' health issues don't seem to have led him to secure a smooth transition for his church. Nor has he taken the tough option of reconsidering the prophetic speculation that led him to create CGF. Once he passes from the scene, as we all must ultimately, his work will be forgotten. The hosts of heaven are not coming to his rescue at the end of any imaginary 19-year time cycle. "Urgent understanding" is required, but seems in limited supply.

 I wonder whether this will be one of the last issues - if not the very last - of The Midnight Cry.

Somehow it all seems a bit sad and pathetic.

The PDF is available for download.

Update: Robert Ardis passed away less than a week ago on St Patrick's Day, March 17, according to correspondence on the Exit & Support Network. He was aged 84. Thanks to Redfox for passing on the information.

Aaaarrrrggghhh!!!

LDS leader Gordon Hinckley has passed into the Great Beyond, and Bob Thiel provides a COGgish spin...

Because of their belief to store food for emergencies, I suspect that once the USA is taken over that the few that survive and do not become slaves will partially exist on food that the LDS have stored.

The year is 2008, Herbert Armstrong, Garner Ted Armstrong, and Herman Hoeh have all long preceded Mr Hinckley into the grave, and Rod Meredith probably isn't far behind. It seems fairly certain to me - though perhaps not to Bob - that Adolph Hitler is not hiding out in the jungles of South America planning a resurrected Fourth Reich (as The Plain Truth once trumpeted.) Warfare in the Twenty-first Century is no longer waged with huge conscript armies, and the mass deportation of conquered populations makes little sense. Slave labor is inefficient in the Info-Tech age, and Germans are, if stereotypes are to be believed, anything but inefficient.

So what the blazes is Bob doing by advocating this incredible nonsense about the Anglo world being swept away by the German hordes, the citizens of the white English-speaking nations being taken away as slave labor or slaughtered?

Oh sorry, I forgot: the more sure word of prophecy.

This is the price of Biblical illiteracy. Armstrongists knew a lot of things about the Bible, could quote proof texts and flick through to the book of Obadiah more swiftly than your average Baptist, but when it came to the important stuff we knew sweet little.

Genre for example: Poetry, Apocalyptic, etiological legends.

The price of mind-numbing literalism can be deadly: ask King Charles I, who literally lost his head, in part because the Puritans thought he might be "the tenth and final horn on the fourth beast described in the Book of Daniel..." (Spurr, English Puritanism 1603-1689, p 113)

But then the Puritans had an excuse Bob and the weirder splinters don't; they lived in the 1600s.

The Bible does not predict world events in advance. Germany is not Assyria. The US and Britain are not Ephraim and Manasseh. The Tribulation did not begin in 1972.

My challenge to Bob, and anyone else who thinks they have the inside track on what's ahead because of Bible prophecy, is to invest in a good one volume commentary - Eerdmans or Oxford for example, and get a clue. It's interesting that both these commentaries feature significant articles by Lester Grabbe, a former Ambassador College lecturer who is now is at the top of his field in Old Testament studies.

Which just goes to show that there may be hope for all of us.

Including Bob.

The Plain Truth about Daniel's prophecies

Remember those lurid illustrations in The Plain Truth showing the beasts of Daniel's visions? The Ambassador College art department seems to have had a minor cottage industry going producing those for the publications and telecast. Remember the apologetics that went with the articles? Fulfilled prophecy - proof of the Bible's inspiration! Every detail fulfilled on schedule - making those things yet to occur certain: the more sure word of prophecy.

In fact, one of the first "reprint articles" I remember receiving, as a gawky, naive teenager, was something by Herman Hoeh (if memory serves) on the 2300 days of Daniel. I knew it had to be right because it made no sense at all - Dr. Hoeh's genius was so much more powerful than my poor ability to understand things too wonderful for me.

You can still find clone articles - complete with lurid illustrations - courtesy of the splinter groups. Prophecy marches on!

But, bear in mind the following data:

* Daniel says that Cyrus succeeded Darius

* That Belshazzar was the son of Nebuchadnezzar

* That Darius the Mede conquered Babylon

So what? Well...

* Darius actually succeeded the son of Cyrus

* Belshazzar was the son of Nabonidus

* Cyrus of Persia conquered Babylon (there was no such person as Darius the Mede)

It's gaffes like those that have led scholars to date the composition of the book to long after Daniel's alleged lifetime in the 500s BCE. Internal evidence suggests that the real author cooked the book in the 160s BCE.

In 9:2 Daniel is puzzled by a reference in the book of Jeremiah stating that Jerusalem would lie in ruins for seventy years (Jer. 25:11). The angel Gabriel fortuitously drops by to explain that it really means seventy weeks of years. Here beginneth the proud tradition among apocalyptic types of textual "nip 'n tuck" to retread failed prophecies.

In living memory we've had to deal with all kinds of off-the-wall speculation about the time of the End. 1972 anybody? The assumption is that the Bible holds the answer in some form of secret code not to be revealed till the End Time. The reality is that the author of Daniel, living in the age of the Maccabean revolt, simply made it up, leaving later generations (including the author of Revelation) to try and explain away the inconvenient fact that he got it all terribly wrong.

Notice what the introductory notes to Daniel in the The HarperCollins Study Bible say:

The book appearing under the name of Daniel is actually by an unknown author... The name of such a wise and legendary figure was probably chosen to enhance the text. The stories about Daniel in chs. 1-6 have a legendary character and are clearly fictitious.

And again:

The portrayal of Daniel as a Jewish exile in Babylon creates a literary setting in the sixth century BCE... The literary setting is not, however, the setting in which the book was actually written. The fact that ch. 11 obviously refers to Antiochus IV Epiphanes, the Seleucid ruler from Syria, makes it clear that the book took its final form during Antiochus's persecution of the Jews... The inaccurate description of the end of Antiochus's reign and of his death indicates that the book was finished before these events of 164 BCE.

The Jewish Study Bible concurs:

The book of Daniel, probably written in its final version in 164 BCE, is probably the latest composition of the Hebrew Bible... The anonymous author thus uses the period of the exile as a setting to address the challenging issues of Jews living under foreign kings.

Daniel could be described as a colorful inspirational novel, but it's got zero predictive value.

Ronnie warns the world

"The end-time has come. Hundreds of millions will die in the worst time of tribulation the world has ever known. You need to be informed so you can know how to respond."
(Ronnie Weinland's COG-PKG website)

Weinland claims that "this coming year (2007) is the preparation year for the church (His Church), he claims that 2008 is the year of the final witness to the world."
(WCG Alumni post)

The End is nigh! Prophecy is being fulfilled!

Yeah, right.

Since the disappointment of 1972, any number of self-appointed "watchmen" have been waggling their tonsils and announcing the impending tribulation. Take Willie Dankenbring for example. "His latest significant failure was in stating that Bill Clinton would be successor to Kofi Annan as the U.N. Secretary" (WCG Alumni post)

The method of preference is "strongly suggested possibility." The typical Herbal Prophet begins with tentative phrases such as "could it be that next year will see X happen?" ... then they proceed as if it's a dead certainty before exhorting the sheep to "dig deep" for the final push.

Then they blame the sheep for jumping to conclusions when nothing happens!

But back to Ronnie. The former UCG elder, now running his very own designer sect, COG-PKG, has written a book all about 2008. And lo, he doesn't seem to be prevaricating about his chosen dates. Thus saith Ronnie:

"From now until the latter part of 2008, many prophecies are going to begin to be fulfilled, especially the Seven Thunders of the Book of Revelation, which the apostle John saw but was restricted from recording. Those thunders are revealed in this book, as well as detailed accounts of the final three and one-half years of man's self-rule on earth, which are recorded in the account of the Seventh Seal of Revelation.

"Some of these prophecies concern the demise of the United States over the next two years, which will be followed by man's final world war."

But let's cheat and flick to the last page of this insightful opus:

"As the spokesman of God’s two end-time witnesses and as His end-time prophet, I have fulfilled my responsibility in placing the contents of this book before you. What you do with it is up to you. Indeed, only a very short time remains before it will be evident that I am who I say or that I am not [Yes, it's all about Ronnie - GR]. In the past 1900 years, have you ever read or heard of a publication from any religious leader who has made such claims, laying out such a precise pattern for the near future with such precise timelines? You have not! [Yes we have! - GR] This is the evidence (witness, testimony) of the true God of Abraham!"
And pretty shonky evidence it is.

To his credit he's not selling the thing. You can get a copy for free either in hard copy or via download, and hey, I suggest you do. A perfect demonstration of the blind stupidity of the "prophecy marches on" mentality. Drag it out in 2009 and, once you've checked your kneecaps*, rejoice in the knowledge that the world is still here and that, despite all our human failings, the Super-Fascist Kingdom of Ron has not arrived.

Now THAT'S Good News!


*"Every knee shall bow," which led the Armstrong exegetes to speculate that the returning Christ might need to use his "rod of iron" to smash a few kneecaps in order to achieve the desired outcome.

The Two Witlesses

The following entry comes from the keyboard of Dennis Diehl.

In my 26-year experience as a Pastor, I had managed to meet 23 of the Two Witnesses of Revelation. I am tempted to say 11 pairs and one who thought he was both, but that’s not how it really was. Every one of these was a lone male, sometimes a pastor, sometimes a member, often times a lone religious renegade that no church would claim. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of the Two Witnesses, these are the two final humans, but some say they will be the literally resurrected Moses and Elijah, Moses and Aaron, or Amos and Andy depending, who will tell all of us on the earth why the end has come. As the Bible says, “This Gospel of the Kingdom of God will be preached to all the world, and then shall the INCOME, oops sorry, end come.” The competition among those Pastors and Apostles that are hoping to win the title and at times behave more like competing to be Larry, Moe and Curly, but that would be Three Witnesses, will probably be more astounding than any Two Witnesses of Revelation. The description is found here in Revelation 11.

REVELATION 11:3 And I will give power to my two witnesses, and they will prophesy one thousand two hundred and sixty days, clothed in sackcloth.” 4 These are the two olive trees and the two lampstands standing before the God of the earth. 5 And if anyone wants to harm them, fire proceeds from their mouth and devours their enemies. And if anyone wants to harm them, he must be killed in this manner. 6 These have power to shut heaven, so that no rain falls in the days of their prophecy; and they have power over waters to turn them to blood, and to strike the earth with all plagues, as often as they desire. (NKJV)

While I personally feel that the chance of any two human beings being taken seriously in this role is about nil, it is none-the-less a very big part of the prophetic hopes of many literalists, especially those in what have become the remaining splinters of the now defunct Worldwide Church of God. It still exists, but it just doesn’t know it has become irrelevant and uninfluential in the world of theology and religion. Tis more like a glorified Sunday School than a Church, but I spare you. The Two Witnesses would never come from the Worldwide Church of God because yelling, “woe unto you, we don’t know the answer to that either, be warmed and filled…” etc, is just not a credible message these days and certainly not scary enough. The kind Jesus of the Gospels gets lost somewhere between John and Revelation as well. Angry books make angry churches.

However, even if there were ever such a modern day thing as the Two Witnesses, here is why it would not work. No two human males in the entire Church of God menagerie of splits, splinters, slivers and dust mites could ever get along long enough to come up with the same coherent message. Frankly, they would smite each other before they ever smote you and I.

The Book of Revelation, which probably is not near as up to date for today as most think, nor written with the events of today in mind as many are taught requires the Two Witnesses to get along and agree with each other for a time of 1260 days or about three and half years. No way! I have yet to meet any two of the Church of God ministers, especially the Lone Rangers of “My Church is the one true church,” mentality to be able to agree on anything or get along for much more than a few hours, if that. This is way short of the time these two men will have to live, eat and agree together on the next day’s rants against the people. Let me illustrate what I mean.

Ronald Weinland was a minister in the WCG, then a minister in the United Church of God (UCG), but a number of years ago declared himself a prophet—(even though I prefer the idea that Churches be NON-PROPHET) he did that many years after the Philadelphia Church of God’s Gerald Flurry did the same. Both of these minister types were Worldwide Church of God pastors before the crash. Both went on to start their own one man shows. In an email inquiry of Mr. Weinland, by Dr. Robert Thiel of the Living Church of God, as to whether or not he claims to be one of the Two Witnesses, Mr. Weinland replies:

Yes I do make the claim. I am one of the witnesses. The subject is already covered in sermons on our website and will be covered far more thoroughly in a new book that will be out before next Feast of Tabernacles.

So we have that settled. We have the first of the Two Witnesses, even though he was never on my original list of 23. So now we have 24. Hey nice! That’s the same number of Elders around the throne of the Son, or the hours in the day around the SUN, whatever you like!

Next enter David C. Pack, founder and sole authority in the Restored Church of God, also a sliver offshoot of Christianity. While Mr. Pack has never said that that he is one of the Two Witnesses, he has said in sermons that they will come out of the Restored Church of God, come UNDER his supervision as Witnesses are not higher than Apostles, of which he is one, and that HE will train them for their 3.5 year assault on the world. Pretty cool stuff to spend your life planning I think!

At any rate, Dr. Thiel goes on to note:

There is a rumor going around, which I never posted, that Ronald Weinland claims that David Pack is the other of the two witnesses. This is not true. When I asked him, I received the following response: ’No I haven’t said such a thing about Dave. We are not going in the same direction.

I did post the above response so that those interested in the truth would realize that the rumor was false. I do have a concern that now that this rumor is out and now that Ronald Weinland claims to be one of the two witnesses, that it would not surprise me if one who has taken titles to himself (Gerald Flurry comes to mind) may decide they need to claim to be one of the two witnesses.

So now we have problems. There are my 23 of the Two Witnesses, Gerald Flurry of the Philidelphia Church of God…maybe in time, Ron Weinland for sure and the two, yet to be announced in the Restored Church of God under Dave Pack. Let’s see, 23+1+1+2=27 Two Witnesses. And these are just the ones I know of. Perhaps there is significance in 3×3x3 Witnesses, but I don’t know what it might be so forget that.

Ok, but here is the problem even bigger than too many of them.

5 And if anyone wants to harm them, fire proceeds from their mouth and devours their enemies. And if anyone wants to harm them, he must be killed in this manner. 6 These have power to shut heaven, so that no rain falls in the days of their prophecy; and they have power over waters to turn them to blood, and to strike the earth with all plagues, as often as they desire. (NKJV)

Of course people are going to want to harm these guys. At least if they are the ones mentioned. And with that much firepower, well they say way too much now in Church that can’t be backed up with reality, so someone is going to get burned. Letting them smite us all “as often as they desire,” is just going way overboard on God’s part. I think some of the smitting could degenerate into a bad case of “oh yeah…blam,” “oh yeah…bash,” “Oh yeah…crunch.” A Way too human a way of getting everyone’s attention. Personally I think, with the bad record churches and men have for being false prophets and witnesses and just plain looney, I would prefer that God just call a weekend seminar, serve nice food, and personally explain to all of us just what seems to be the problem. I respond better to that kind of thing rather than having people I don’t trust in the least think they can smite me at will for not believing them personally. I still feel that when we speak to God, it can be called prayer, but when God speaks to us, we might need medication and not a following… But the real problem and the real reason we don’t have to worry about the Two Witnesses coming out of the Church of God movements that have sprung from the demise of the Worldwide Church of God is best summed up in the observation by Mr. Weinland himself.

”’No I haven’t said such a thing about Dave. We are not going in the same direction.’”

This is our salvation! The fact is that no two men in any of these groups can get along for even a minute is the key that unlocks the truth of Revelation on this topic! Mr. Weinland can’t abide Mr. Pack. Mr. Pack won’t credential Mr. Weinland or Mr. Flurry. Mr. Flurry can’t stand Mr. Pack and doesn’t know Mr. Weinland and my personal list of 23 all agree that no way are these new guys invited into the final contestants for the job! Can two walk together unless they be agreed? The answer is no, so in no way will any of these guys be the Two Witnesses for 3.5 seconds, much less years.

Now Mr. Pack insists that he will select the Two Witnesses and train them out of his own Church. I doubt that because Mr. Pack so loves titles, “The Watcher”, “End Time Apostle”’ “Mr.” etc, that I am sure he’ll want to be, hmmm…both of the Two Witnesses himself. There is more control over what is said, less overhead and less dispute over who is the chief smiter, firebreather, plague giver, blood maker and drought causer. Somewhere and somehow, Mr. Pack will find a way to give a four to eight hour sermon on how the Greek word for ”two” is really the word for “twoo” as in “true” and Witnesses is really supposed to be singular. It is the Twoo Witness, which of course, will be Mr. Pack.

The good thing will be that if the others oppose this, he can incinerate them with the word of his mouth and plague ‘em. Well maybe not in that order. Well anyway, won’t happen in reality.

So relax everyone! Since no two male ministers of the same group or Church of God, and certainly no two in opposing groups can get along long enough to remotely fulfill the 3.5 years the Two Witnesses of Revelation will have to work together, we are all safe! Any two from this bunch will plague, drought, smite and incinerate EACH OTHER long before the sun goes down on the first day of their prophecy!

***
You can check out more of Den's remarkable writing by clicking on the link in the right hand column.

Trade War!

“...your Bible predicts a great TRADE WAR between the economic power in Europe and the United States. It predicts terrible financial collapse of this country...” (The Plain Truth, December 1963)

Trade War has been a constant jeremiad in COG circles. The bad guys vary: Germany, Japan and now China. The good guys? Well shucks, it's the US of A, who else?

I was introduced to the concept with the second or third issue of The Plain Truth that I received as a teen in 1970. I may be misremembering, but I believe the bad guy de jour then was Japan.

But lo, nothing changes in the copycat sects. The latest issue of Meredith's Tomorrow's World (he even stole the title of his magazine from the 1970s WCG) is “U.S. - China Trade War: Coming Soon?”

Notice the question mark. The strategy is to suggest very strongly – so strongly the reader is meant to conclude that there's no doubt about it at all – but not actually say it. Weaseling is also a fine COG tradition.

Then there's that helpful little word “if.” “If China were to stop buying U.S. Treasury notes...” “If China were to sell its U.S. Securities...” “If the dollar declines in importance as the international currency...” (All quoted from the article in TW.)

All of this ties into the wacky prophetic scenarios advanced by Herb Armstrong and his Adventist predecessors. If the path to Last Trump appears to disappear behind an occasional fog bank, fear not, the outcome is assured: “The Bible reveals that at the end of the present age...” “Regular readers of Tomorrow's World understand that the prophecies concerning the house of Israel just before Christ's return tell the future of the U.S. And the British Commonwealth nations.” “Tomorrow's World will continue to keep you informed...”

Ironically the Editor in Chief, Rod Meredith, has an editorial in this same issue entitled “Biblical Ignorance: A Real Problem.” Naturally, he's not talking about brain-dead ignorance in his Living Church of God, he simply doesn't exhibit the degree of introspection to make that even a faint possibility, but then Rod was always more enthused over splinters than logs.

So maybe it's apt to end with a quote from someone who can address this Biblical ignorance issue with a little more authority. John Collins isn't a COG member and, as far as I know, has never speculated on Trade War with anyone. He is a past president of the Society for Biblical Literature, a professor at Yale, author of a commentary on Daniel, along with many other books including Introduction to the Hebrew Scriptures (from which the following quote is sourced):

“The responsible use of the Bible must begin by acknowledging that these books were not written with our modern situations in mind, and are informed by the assumptions of an ancient culture remote from our own.”

If that's where you begin, then Spanky and his band of merry men in Charlotte have yet to step up to the starting line. In fact they're running in quite the wrong direction.

Middle East Ignorance

Why is it that COGism is so obsessed by the Middle East? I don't mean the Middle East of antiquity, the cradle of Judaism and Christianity; that would at least make some sense. To understand the Bible you need at least a little knowledge about the way societies operated back then, otherwise you just end up projecting modern assumptions onto ancient writings.

And of course, COGism does just that. Herbert Armstrong knew nothing about the culture of "Bible times." When someone came along who did know something (Charles Dorothy or Lester Grabbe) the old fossil quickly sidelined them.

No, you could line up all the scholarly articles WCG, UCG, LCG and the CG-tiddlers have published on the world of the Bible end-on-end and not reach the distance from the couch to the refrigerator. However, it's another matter entirely when you're talking "profussy."

COG magazines are saturated in what they call prophecy. Whole periodicals and websites are dedicated to wanton speculation parading as insider knowledge. The UCG isn't the only guilty party, but consider the not-so-subtley titled World News & Prophecy. Month after month of drivel as writers (and now even podcasters!) "cry wolf" again and again and again. If it's still around ten years from now you know they'll still be trotting out their one-trick pony.

Herb used to claim that one third of the Bible was prophecy. That's bunk. The only reason he thought so was that he knew next to nothing about the Bible (though he was pretty good at sewing out-of-context proof texts together.) What he did, at its simplest, was buy into discredited Adventist scenarios. Garbage in, garbage out.

Currently COG publications are in shriek-mode about the Middle East. One more article by Melvin Rhodes and I'll be shrieking too. Things are dire enough in that part of the world without a bunch of fringe fundamentalists racing around like Chicken Little. All that energy could surely be far better spent in doing something, well, Christian.

In Search of ... Spanky's Brain

"It's WWIII...!"

Time May Be Short!

How Will It All Turn Out? How Will This Affect You? What Lies Ahead?

The Situation Is Urgent

So wrote Roderick C. Meredith in a recent letter to Tomorrow's World subscribers. All in extra large, screaming bold font. The first statement was quoted (approvingly) from the New York Daily News, the rest is pure Spanky.

Meanwhile, over in Edmond, Oklahoma, the Six-Pack Prophet's most inflated organ, The Philadelphia Trumpet, features the cover story War in Lebanon: Is This World War III?

No, Rod. No, Gerry. Are these guys THICK or what? The cries of imminent doom have been their stock in trade for decades. The End is just around the corner, Bible prophecy comes alive! DIG DEEP, BRETHREN.

The blood and tears of ordinary, powerless people are appropriated to fuel the apocalyptic frenzy-making of these absurd "prophets". Nothing like a little fear and apprehension to tug extra tithe dollars out of the pockets of the credulous.

The Trumpet cover shows a young boy standing in the ruins of a destroyed Beruit suburb. Just grist for the mill as ghouls sit in their plush offices and monitor their donor income. Compassion? Not likely!

I suppose there are more despicable acts, but right now I'd find it hard to top this one: the abuse of human suffering in the cause of a loveless, legalistic, self-serving "gospel".

Christianity has rarely been reduced to a more shallow, facile, two dimensional caricature than this kind of apocalyptic fear mongering. And of all the sects of Christendom, Armstrongism is the most blatant. One example from the files: the February-March 1955 issue of The Plain Truth. The lead story? World War Is Here - Now! by Garner Ted Armstrong. Page 2 through 5 showcases two full page illustrations by Basil Wolverton with an accompanying article by Herbert Armstrong. The first shows volcanoes exploding and the earth opening up while terror stricken people attempt to flee. The caption begins: "STUDY THIS PICTURE. Will you be one of its terrified victims, when these super-tremendous earthquakes occur?"

The second shows ulcerated victims of plague. The helpful caption advises: "Now STUDY this picture... every movement of their sore-covered bodies will mean excruciating pain..."

The Wolverton apocalypse reappears on page 12 with fire descending from the skies on hapless men and women. "Could anything be more painful - more indescribably horrifying? ... Yet, if you won't really repent and turn to God now... then, when THIS plague actually scorches you with fire, you will only CURSE the very name of your Creator and Savior..."

Fear religion.

And who is listed on the masthead as the Associate Editor of this issue?

Roderick C. Meredith.

Decades pass. A half century. What has he learned?

Absolutely nothing.