The other "Watch"

Ambassador Watch and Twenty-first Century Watch. Not to be confused.

The latter is the quarterly rag produced by the remnants of the Holy Family, the Armstrongs; namely Mark, grandson of Herb and son of Ted.

The Living Armstrongism blog describes the MA style as "venomous, misanthropic invective". I completely agree. MA's writing drips with bitterness and stereotyping. It's hard to imagine anything less likely to reflect the sermon on the mount. It's a loveless message that owes more to nationalistic exceptionalism and loathing of progressive views than anything you'd identify with the teachings of Jesus.

When it comes to political invective, this Watch leaves little to the imagination. MA and his colleagues just spew it forth. If CGI is the slightly brighter side of Armstrongism, ICG - the gloriously misnamed Intercontinental Church of God (which seems to be a pet poodle sect tied to Mark Armstrong's Garner Ted Armstrong Evangelistic Association) is a bilious cul de sac.

TFCW has an editorial policy wrapped up in misanthropic and shallow readings of Bible passages. In the latest issue:

• MA has a hernia over "the Green solution to terror". Hint: Green isn't a good word in the Armstrong vocabulary.
• James Ricks provides a Bible Study (??) on the perils of socialism. How seriously you take a guy who thinks Karl Marx is spelled Carl Marx I'm not sure.
• Michael Armstrong (another member of the Holy Family?) postures as an expert on Venezuela. 
• Garner Ted Armstrong is exhumed once again with an article on heaven.
• MA is back to fire spitballs at the pope over his willingness to engage in dialogue with an Islamic leader.
• The other features seem to be lifted from various politically agreeable sources.

Then there's a selection of wheedling letters from like-minded souls.

Dear Mr. Armstrong,
Praise God for your grandfather, your Dad, and you! The USA needs more of your kind. Thank you so much for this information. I agree one hundred percent!

I can think of only one reason to download this drivel... simply to keep one's disgust fresh.

Who's the nuttiest of them all?

There are some interesting cult leaders out there in the GOGisphere. Some may be sane, some not. But who gets your vote for the loopiest?

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not suggesting that the gentleman mentioned below is anything other than a fine bloke, kind to children and small animals. Nor am I suggesting he's insane or a charlatan in the Elmer Gantry sense. He's probably thoroughly sincere in the "grumpy old man" sense of sincere. And, dear lord, don't we have a total saturation-level of grumpy old men in and around the COG conversations these days? It goes with an aging demographic. You get a fair taste of that even here on the various threads. A triumphalist contempt for anyone who doesn't see eye to eye with a previous published comment.

Every now and then - but not too often - I check to see whether Willie Dankenbring is still in the land of the living. He is, and still producing his Prophecy Flash newsletter. Willie, once a prominent Plain Truth writer, has a very low profile these days, but obviously still has a following of aging groupies. I've confessed before that, "back in the day", I had a good deal of respect for the guy, and still (goodness knows why) have most of his 1970s hardback books stashed away with a whole lot of other obscure "lit" from times past.

But time moves us on, and Willie has long since hardened into a prophetic prognosticator with an unenviable record for dismal failure. Not only that, but his writing is imbued with a hatred of anything smacking of reason and - heaven forbid - liberalism. In fact, he's so over the top that even the neo-con-leaning Beyond Today staff would doubtless cringe at his expostulations. He's right up there with Mark Armstrong, maybe leading by a head.

The latest issue of Prophecy Flash is available to download (known by some as Prophecy Flush). It makes Bob Thiel's rag look concise and focused by comparison, with long rambling articles.

Which is saying something.

Thiel Spiel

I apologize. AW has been woefully neglectful of the CCG and its wondrously gifted prophet Bob Thiel. That's partly because Bob is irrelevant, given to delusions of competence and self-proclaimed master of a puddle-sized splinter sect, but nonetheless he battles on, secure in his own fantasies, and he does manage to attract some small attention from two groups; those few poor souls who take him seriously and those who think he's just plain bizarre.

In any case, the quarterly Bob magazine, grandiosely titled Bible News Prophecy (shouldn't that be Bible News and Prophecy?) is out there and ready for eager readers to devour the prophet's primer-level, semi-literate prose. Two dead men wrote a couple of the articles - handily copyright free from long ago. One was Herb Armstrong (lifted from a 1977 PT), the other by Dibar Apartian (from a 1966 GN). 1966 - dear lord, that was the year before they relaunched Dragnet! Too bad Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon aren't around now to knock on Bob's door and sort the poor schmuck out. Apartian has been claimed by Thiel as a silent supporter of his unique gifts and a critic of his onetime idol-turned-nemesis, Rod Meredith, despite retaining his status as an evangelist in Meredith's Living Church of God at the time of his death, so Bob is attempting to twist the knife. Mind you, I doubt the old fossils who run things over in Charlotte have even noticed.

Apart from the reruns of Herb and Dibar's stuff, everything else comes from the prophet's very own pen. The lead article screams PROTESTANTS: BEWARE of the ECUMENICAL MOVEMENT!

Bob, sit down and let me explain something to you. Protestant churches - with the exception of a number of fundamentalist retard denominations - created the ecumenical movement.

Oh well.

To be honest, in my view Bob is a complete dead end. His tiny Continuing Church of God is a vanity project that has a future only as long as Bob's personal longevity, and nobody lives forever. I guess it generates a nice little income in the meantime. So why bother even mentioning him? Well, Bible News Prophecy is, if nothing else, a sobering example - or mildly amusing if you think of it from another angle - of extreme nuttiness and dilettantism parading in proof-texting drag. As they say, whatever spins your wheels...

Downloadable (but not recommended).

Regurgitating the Herbal hooey

Are the old boys at LCG even capable of an original feature article concept? Nope. They just regurgitate the same old, same old from years - decades - gone by.

How Would Jesus Vote for President? Gimme a break. Halloween Horrors? Oh please...

But, what me worry, here's the skinny on the September/October issue.

Rod "Spanky" Meredith provides an editorial called "Admit the Cause of Problems." Ironic really, but I guess the man is totally incapable of any form of introspection. Rod's solution is the Ten Commandments.

Rod immediately follows up with the feature article, How Would Jesus Vote for President? It has as much relevance as which brand of cola Jesus would drink. For those of us outside the US it's also hard not to wonder why Jesus wouldn't be as interested in how they vote in Australia, Sweden or India. Myopic Meredith. Anyway, bottom line, its Satan's world, and apparently Spankyites should steer clear of the whole, evil electoral thing. I'd be willing to guess that a large number don't, though. The secret is not to let your LCG minister know - what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Anyway, he'll probably be ticking Trump too.

More politics (but don't vote!) as Laurence Hartshorne burbles on about life in Canada and governments at the turn of past century.

Richard Ames writes on The End of the World. Nothing new here, move along.

Simon R.D. Roberts provides a British focus. He's been reading Simon Schama and has decided to bless TW readers with his insightful thoughts - specifically on "The Norman Apocalypse." Of course BI is tied in. You can almost hear Schama groaning.

Rod McNair bursts a valve over Halloween. Jonathan McNair has a twee youth oriented column that no self-respecting teen would be bothered with.

Dougie Winnail has a lightweight piece about the coming of Jesus Christ as a turning point in world history. Wally Smith seeks to educate us about hummingbirds. Mark Sandor wonders if you've missed the "long predicted" Brexit developments.

Yes, it's a precious and original issue. Downloadable. Just to be fair to the lads over in UCG, it's worth pointing out that no female writer was let near the editor's in-tray here either.

Beyond Belief

The latest issue of Beyond Today, published by the United Church of God, has been released. For a religious magazine, the cover seems incongruous, pimped as a current events magazine.

Inside:

Scott Ashley with an editorial on the Feast of Tabs.

Scott Ashley again with the lead article on "real leadership" (fitting in with the scary cover art). Alas, I'm not convinced Scott is much of an expert on this subject.

Tom Robinson stirring the pot on "The Immigration Threat."

Darris McNeely posturing as an instant expert on Brexit. Oh how exciting, Darris has it all tied in with prophecy. How unique!

Jerold Aust with a inspirational piece on "God's Greatest Miracle". Somehow he works his way from photosynthesis to the God Family.

Steve Myers on the Feast of Tabernacles.

Dear old Mario Seiglie with another festival article. Who'd have thought this was a festival issue with a cover like that!

Darris is back with a few thoughts about wise and foolish virgins in the parable.

Robin Webber on the holy spirit.

Some anonymous dude writing on "Amazing Examples of Prophecies Already Fulfilled". I wouldn't want my name on that article either.

Peter Eddington on low fuel in the gas tank. I couldn't be bothered to even skim this one, but I'll put a dollar on it being some kind of cheap metaphor.

Now brethren, do we notice anything here? Where are the articles by women? None. Not even a token women writing about something fluffy like the joy of flower arrangement for Sabbath services. Just when you thought the old fellows in the UCG were catching up with the 1980s (obviously the 2010s are way beyond them) they pull out a 100% chest-pounding old boy issue. Guys, guys, guys, time to retire. And to make it worse, still no women listed in the staff box.

Can we all say "misogynist" together?

Available online.

New Bible Advocate released

The September/October issue of the Bible Advocate has been released by the Church of God (Seventh Day). The theme of the issue is the Church. Nothing controversial, as we'd expect from the Denver-based mother church of COGdom, it's all good standard biblical fare in a faith-affirming sense.

Almost all of the articles are sourced in-house; in fact it's a while since ex-WCG writers contributed to the publication, something which was common a decade or so ago.

Available to download.

Tired, old Horizons

Obscurity, thy name is New Horizons. Or perhaps Really Old Horizons.

New Horizons is published six times a year by Church of God Outreach Ministries (COGM). It's old time Armstrongism somewhat toned down. While the postal address is in Tulsa, Oklahoma, the leading light in the movement seems to be James McBride, based in the UK. James was associated with Garner Ted's CGI way back in the early days, and serves as editor - obviously at distance.

This publication will win no awards for layout or design. Whoever is in charge of that needs to up-skill badly. Perhaps, to be generous, the small size of COGM should be taken into account. The ministry is supported - apparently - by only a handful of local churches and McBride's COG-UK. You'd think though that there'd be a teenager somewhere in those groups that could give the old fellas a clue as to swishing up the presentation.

Content-wise, it's not as awful as some of the slicker COG publications (which is pretty-much every other COG mag), but you get the strong sense of "same old, same old".

Hence the title of this piece. New horizons? Where, where? These old boys haven't seen anything new on a horizon for decades.

Available to download.

Real or Knockoff? The Pack magazine.

David Crowl Pack's The Real Truth mag reminds me - more than any of the others on offer - of The Plain Truth which arrived in the family letterbox when I was a teenager. There's a certain nostalgia in the layout, the fonts, even the graphics that take me back to 1970 or thereabouts.

Which is no surprise really. Pack apes "the Work" as it once was. He's not smart enough to realize that time moves on, and the gold standard for the PT in the seventies rapidly evolved by the time Herb Armstrong passed on to his eternal reward. If you're in your thirties, forties or even fifties, the trick won't work nearly as well, but if you're just a tad older you might well do a double take. It's as if time has stood still - only the bylines have changed.

For a start there are those long 'personals' from the editor. In Two Keys to Success! we learn about Dave's Uncle Frank who embodied the first key; out-thinking those who get in your way. The second key is perseverance. Wow, never would have thought of that by myself.

The cover story is The Real Story of American Freedom in which Ryan L. Caswell asks "Why is America Different?" Guess what? It's all to do with British Israelism.

Edward L. Winkfield writes about "The Hidden Economy of Drug Trafficking", while someone without a name opines on "What does God Think of Political Debates?" It must be nice to have the inside track on what God thinks about things that never existed in Bible times. David J. Litavsky is the designated expert on the Yemini civil war, and Packatollah Dave returns with "What is the Unpardonable Sin?"

Full page ads promote a reprint article (remember those?) titled Are You Being Called? (unlikely if you're reading The Real Truth), a booklet called You Can Build a Happy Marriage (run, run like the wind, and don't look back! Dave is the guy who said in a sermon "you don't have a voice woman") and on the back page Dave's slavish rewrite of America and Britain in Prophecy.

It's like stepping into a time machine and arriving forty plus years in the past. Unlike Discern and the unlamented Vision, you can apparently get The Real Truth in print form, though with Dave juggling those nasty bills who knows how much longer that will continue. Alternately you can download the issue from here.

Advocating a Different Spirit

I'm conflicted about the Bible Advocate. Years ago - we're talking the early 1980s - I was a hard copy subscriber. If nothing else it proved to me in my traumatized post-WCG state that a kinder, more generous form of COGism did indeed exist out there, albeit relatively small and distant. I still check out the magazine, though these days only online. It's not exactly riveting reading, especially for folk raised on the decadent triple-chocolate prophetic confections promoted by the mad-as-a-meat-axe Armstrong wing of the movement. The BA - published by the Church of God (Seventh Day) - is more like home made vanilla bread pudding. No artery-clogging additives, and "way healthier".

So why conflicted? Well, it's still a fundamentalist magazine, and for some of us that's now a very far country indeed. But it's not so "in your face", and gentler in tone than it's off-the-wall rivals. It's detractors in the shards of Herbal Empire might label it "Protestant", though I would question that ... who the heck knows what "Protestant" even means these days. Evangelical? Well, kind of, in an irregular sense.

The first thing that struck me about the July/August issue was the number of women contributors - Scott Ashley would have a hernia. The staff box lists a number of women too, including Associate Editor Sherri Langton. Fancy that.

The second thing that strikes an ex-WCG/LCG/UCG/PCG/whateverCG member is the absence of prophetic bullroaring. These folk actually know better. Compared to Beyond Today or Tomorrow's World the BA is positive, up-building and encouraging. If you're addicted to circus acts, you'll need to find an Armstrong periodical.

One item caught my eye in particular; a letter on the Questions & Answers page which asked: "Is the Holy Spirit a force or a person? What does CoG7 teach about the Spirit of God?" Interesting response.

Available to download.

Happy COG families, parables, Nuclear Neal, and Joel at Armageddon

Break out the milk and cookies, the latest edition of COGWA's not-a-magazine magazine, Discern, is its "happy families" issue.

Happy families? That's always been part of a wholesome PR that goes way back to the seventies, and doubtless beyond that. If you want to know how to break free of the real world, flesh and blood pains and ambiguities of marriage and parenting, do we have good news. Our experts (hack writers) can lead you into the all-American stereotype. Families with flashing white teeth, smiles, the embodiment of niceness and compliance.

Which makes it difficult to explain why so many church kids ditch the whole enterprise just as soon as they're free to walk out the door.

Having said that, there's probably some good advice in this issue. The problem is that good advice is hardly as useful as good example, and how are you going to raise strong, independent, autonomous kids when Mummy and Daddy are doormats to a controlling, high demand sect that tells them what to think?

This edition begins with sagacious advice from the editor, Clyde Kilough. Is Clyde a control freak? I've no idea, but there are a few folk from his days as Beloved Leader at UCG who probably have a well-formed opinion. Becky Sweat has the cover article, 7 Characteristics of Healthy Families. Amazing how that number seven keeps turning up when COG writers want to make a list. It's all very nice, but also somewhat trite (e.g. number 1: A deep commitment to one another).

David Treybig writes on lessons he learned from his parents. Again, there's nothing wrong with what he offers, but it's also fairly platitudinous (e.g. work hard). You might not be surprised to find that "encourage critical thinking" gets missed from the list. At least Dave didn't try to pad it out to the biblical seven. My reaction to number one is a bit jaundiced: "loving authority". Did you say authority?

If  the  Creator  God,  the  being  with  the  most  authority in the universe, can take the time to educate grown-ups on the consequences of their actions, shouldn’t parents do the same for their children?

Now, see, there's the problem Dave, starting with the word 'if' and then moving on to Sky Father imagery. Not that Dave would have a clue what I'm talking about I guess.

Mike Bennett ties in happy families with Sabbath keeping. Sounding semi-enlightened Mike proclaims "The Sabbath was made for man - and families." Maybe he's been dusting off one of the old Bacchiocchi titles. Treybig is back with a piece on the prodigal son parable. It has "overlooked meaning" apparently, so we're all very lucky that Dave can set us straight, courtesy of ten minutes skimming through the Expositor's Bible Commentary.

Jeremy Lallier writes about Putting Character to the Test, based on another parable, the good Samaritan. Then, wouldn't you know it, Mike Bennett is back with the encouraging news that "You can become a Saint!" (in the sense that all Christians are saints). But shouldn't that be you are a Saint?

So far, so vitamin-fortified, family-friendly biblical, but where's the precious (should that be precocious) prophecy? Fear not little flock, Neal Hogberg to the rescue with "New Nuclear Nightmares." Neal rarks up the fear factor, which is, let's face it, the tried and true strategy that has brought home the kosher bacon for COG sects since before the Radio Church of God launched in the 1930s.

Is there more? Erik Jones asks What Did and Didn't Jesus Look Like? (Hint: he had short hair. Yep, I'm as surprised as you aren't.)

No issue of Discern would be complete without a contribution from Joel Meeker. Joel plays on his experience as an amateur archaeologist with a one-page column on the joys of shifting dirt at Armageddon. I'm sure, once he'd finished, he uttered the words "Armageddon outa here!"

You can't read a hard copy issue because it seems COGWA does this on the cheap as a download only. The link at the top will take you to a page where you can do just that. Knock yourself out.

Satan's Alternative Magazine

You've got to give the LCG credit for a catchy title. The July/August issue of Tomorrow's World is themed around the title Satan's Alternative Universe. The world, as LCG brethren know, is a scary, upsetting place full of gun control advocates, gays, liberals, people with swarthy skin tones and Bible scoffers. To quote the Richard Ames editorial: "Truly, for those who are not responsive to Jesus Christ, our present world is descending further and further into outright evil, with the widespread conscious rejection of all that was once held as sacred by those who profess Christ." Verily, verily. Bring back the 1940s!

And wouldn't you know it, Rod Meredith has written the feature article on this very problem.

Very few people understand the significance of the massive changes underway in our entire society. Not since the time of Sodom and Gomorrah have people generally been as confused in so many ways. This is especially so right now because of the massive misuse of technology. By gaining almost total control of the media, a very real Satan the Devil is able to “manipulate” the thinking, the attitudes and the actions of billions of human beings - especially the younger generation.

Poor old Rod, the devil is making 'em do it. The wicked liberal media, the "wet behind the ears" younger folk (for Rod that's probably anyone under fifty). The world is going to hell in a handcart. Things just ain't normal anymore.

Ames is back with an article entitled Seven Keys for Peace of Mind. Fancy that, what with seven being a "biblical number" and all. Key One? "Take Part in the Great Commission." Excellent, that's the trick, send in your tithes without delay!

In the London Calling column by one Simon R.D. Roberts you might expect something on the Brexit issue, but the LCG missed the bus on this as much as their UCG brethren. Simon writes about Dolly the sheep instead.

Rod McNair has a major article on Why Does God Heal? Perhaps a more appropriate question would be "why does God not heal?" given the LCG's obvious misrepresentation of this whole issue. Indeed, you could make an argument that, when it comes to divine blessings, the Eternal has massively underfunded his LCG operation. In fact, Rod the Lesser seems to be intent on building a wall of qualifications and - of course - it's the dullard members who are really to blame.

Do you need divine healing? If you do, be sure not to blame God. Instead, look to Him with gratitude for His whole plan, knowing that He can and does bring about His will in your life, as you look to Him with faith and obedience. 

Translation: suck it up.

Douglas Winnail has been skimming Karen Armstrong's writings on the Axial Age and he isn't happy. Thankfully Dougie is here to put a COGish spin on it.

In stark contrast to the spirit of the Axial Age that looked to human reason, the Bible warns us to “lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). Scholars of comparative religion may speculate that God was revealing universal truths during the Axial Age to thinkers searching for answers within their own minds, but the Scriptures state that the Word of God is the source of truth (Psalm 119:142, 160; John 17:17).

There, so no need to worry about those silly scholars of comparative religion when you have handy, dandy proof texts to offer.

Wally Smith has an anatomical analogy to offer about The Tireless Human Heart. Quote: “Lub-dub... lub-dub... lub-dub...” Deep, Wally, deep.

There's more in the minor features, but that's probably enough to give a feel for this issue.

Available now to download.

Beyond Today... Neanderthal Apologetics

If you were expecting a dedicated Brexit issue of Beyond Today (formerly The Good News) for July/August, you're going to be disappointed. Instead its the tired old sawhorse, evolution. It seems the lads, all keen and bushy-tailed prophecy pundits, were asleep at the wheel, or - just like the Brits - didn't see it coming in time for the mag's release. Who'd have thunked they'd drop the ball on the biggest story of the year thus far?

In fact there's an anti-science whine throughout the issue. Even editor Scott Ashley manages to take a swipe at "the futility of Darwin's theory of evolution" while pouting about the parlous state of public "bathroom" signs. He's talking about toilets of course (why a euphemism like "bathroom" is used so commonly in the US is beyond me).

Mike Kelley kicks off in earnest with Evolution: An Article of Faith. What brilliant qualifications does Mike bring to this topic - other than being an in-house hack? No, I don't know either. Mike is immediately followed by Mario Seiglie who has a track record for writing this kind of guff with Answers from a Famous ex-Atheist about God. The person he's referring to is Anthony Flew who, at a ripe old age, did indeed change his mind. That's notable mainly because it's so unusual.

Then - holy guacamole Batman! - there's an article by a female writer. Scott, are you trying to make a point here? Anyway, Kayleen Schreiber is working on her PhD in neuroscience. Other than that we don't know much about Kayleen. Where is she studying? Is she a UCG member or some kind of generic fundamentalist? Scott clearly thinks you don't need to know. If you're expecting hard science here, think again. Snippet: "God made the physical world so wonderfully complicated that we will be studying it until Jesus Christ returns!"

Just when you thought you might escape from all this creationist drivel, along comes Dan Dowd with An Evolutionary Fantasy: Useless Body Parts.

Now you can relax and let out a short sigh of relief. But not for long as the next article up is Darris McNeely's Is the Bible True? Just what do you mean "true" Darris? As expected Darris takes a broad brush to the question and ends up painting the carpet. "Proof 1", in case you're in any doubt, is "fulfilled prophecy."

Next up it's the World News and Prophecy section. Brexit? What's that? To be fair, there are a couple of dumb references to BoJo the Clown (in an piece about German Leopard tanks):

Britain's next PM?

“The European Union is pursuing a similar goal to Hitler in trying to create a powerful superstate, Boris Johnson says . . . He warns that while bureaucrats in Brussels are using ‘different methods’ from the Nazi dictator, they share the aim of unifying Europe under one ‘authority.’ . . . “The former mayor of London, who is a keen classical scholar, argues that the past 2,000 years of European history have been characterized by repeated attempts to unify Europe under a single government in order to recover the continent’s lost ‘golden age’ under the Romans” (Tim Ross, “Boris Johnson: The EU Wants a Superstate, Just as Hitler Did,” May 15, 2016).

Beyond Today lapped it up. The authors (in the original Telegraph article) also mention that the reference to Hitler is "potentially inflammatory". You think?

Back to the toilet bowl with Tom Robinson sticking his head as far down as he can with an article entitled What's Behind the Transgender Movement? (You'll be as alarmed to know as I am that "bathrooms are just the beginning".) Behind? Movement? Sorry, just my scatological sense of the bizarre.

But wait. Tucked away toward the back of the mag is an article by Milan Bizic (that doesn't sound a very British name does it?) called What Made Britain Great? I looked to see if he mentioned the East India Company or colonial adventurism... but no.

On to a cherry-picked assortment of letters, then John LaBissoniere wrenches out as much significance as he can from the daily chore of washing the dishes.

Egad! Can our eyes be deceiving us? Another article by a female writer. Janet Treadway on Visiting Widows and Widowers in their Affliction. Obviously the drought has broken, even if it's left Scott a gibbering mess in the editorial room.

Robin Webber burbles on about something or other in A Promise is a Promise, and then somebody - perhaps Robin or maybe someone who isn't high-up enough on the totem pole to merit a byline - gets to write a feature entitled How Can You Correctly Understand God's Prophecies and Promises? Quote: "One awesome proof that the Bible is divinely inspired is its perfect harmony and consistency all the way through..." Has this guy actually ever read the Bible?

TV log, back page. Collapse over a coffee and take a moment to feel thankful that this is all a nightmare from the fundamentalist past. Once you've polished off the coffee and peanut brownies, take a drive down the newsstand and pick up copies of National Geographic and New Scientist. You're going to want to flush (ahem) this stuff out of your head as quickly as possible.

Available to download now.

One Accaudle

I'm sure you'll be as thrilled as I am to know that the June issue of One Accord, the COGWAddler member mag, is now available. The theme of the issue is the ongoing success of the Foundation Institute, COGWA's version of Living University, or the Ambassador Bible College etc. etc.

I've never worked out why the COGs don't just pack up their budding young ministerial recruits, provide a toothbrush (branded with the church logo) and a generous study allowance, and send them off to a real university to acquire a real degree. It'd certainly be a lot cheaper. But then, I guess, there'd be fewer jobs for the lads in suits, and you never know what crazy ideas the youngsters might pick up without the oversight of salaried enforcers.

But what a pleasure to see the gang lined up for group photos. And my, there's that nice Mister Jeff Caudle, former High Poobah of the UCG in New Zealand. No explanation as to why he was caught up in what seems a very basic program of study, though Jim Franks implies it's because he "recently relocated to the area from New Zealand." That's a reason? Presumably it was felt that he needed to be retreaded to re-enter the ministry. Funnily enough, just yesterday Jeff's name came up in conversation. And yup, there he is, large as life and apparently still keeping (perhaps) one step ahead of the Karma Fairy.

Other matters covered include an article on divorce (I thought Jeff might have written that, but it's by Cecil Maranville), news from local congregations, boot scoots (huh?), ox roasts, Doug Horchak on his excellent adventure in Africa (maybe he'll need remedial classes now too?) and an article by John Columbo on parenting using God as an exemplar... which could be a tad more problematic than John seems to realise.

Available to download.

CWGMR

If you've hung around this blog for any length of time you know that I don't have a high opinion of Greg Albrecht's Plain Truth Ministries, nor the slogan "Christianity without the Religion." Albrecht publishes a reasonably substantial quarterly magazine called CWR, the latest issue of which is now out, but I think it'd be more accurately titled CWGMR (Christianity With Genetically Modified Religion).

Which isn't to say that the burned-over constituency of the COGs won't find some interesting stuff here, particularly those who've traded down (or is it up?) to a less demanding, more evangelical type of faith. Hey, whatever works!

One article took my eye in particular. Zack Hunt writes some really good material, and he's a regular columnist for the "Gregoriana", so to speak. His blog is definitely worth the occasional visit (I even link to it over on my disgracefully inactive Otagosh blog.) In this issue he has a one-page piece with the provocative headline "Sometimes I Wish the Bible Had Never Been Written." Well worth the trip across to check out.

CWR magazine is available in - shudder - flipping book format, but you can hit the download button when that screen comes up and access the far more readable PDF version.

More United than usual

The United Church of God is enjoying a "breather" from the disruptions and discord that have characterised its development thus far. At least, that's what Vic Kubik seems to be saying in the May-June issue of United News.

"We value the current period of peace in the Church and need to constantly remind ourselves it is only in this environment we can have the growth and forward movement we all desire."

Growth, one suspects, needs more than peace in the ranks (though that certainly helps). It requires engagement with the issues that concern an up and coming generation. Forward movement requires the ditching of reactionary thinking. UCG isn't doing so well there. Beyond Today is becoming an increasingly shrill right-wing publication fixated on discredited prophetic speculation. The same might be said for the approach behind the spectacularly unproductive America: The Time Is Now! tour. No future in that.

For those who might miss the Good News moniker and logo, it has been absorbed into the UN as a section heading.

Included in this issue is an obituary for former WCG South African Regional Director Bob Fahey.

It's interesting to compare UN with its LCG opposite number, Living Church News. UN seems the more balanced of the two, containing more actual 'news' and not talking down - perhaps it's better to say talking down less - to the membership than its counterpart. It's notable that Meredith dominates LCN pages, whereas there is no real cult of personality apparent in the UCG publication. Credit where credit is due.

The PDF is available to download.

BA - welcome to COG alternity

You know you've slipped into a weird parallel universe when you pick up the Bible Advocate. Weird in a mostly good way. The first sign is a feature article that mentions (and quotes) both Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Martin Luther King in a positive sense. For that reason alone Israel Steinmetz's Kingdom Loyalties (on the subject of non-violence) is a few thousand kilometres down the flight path from anything published by the Armstrong derivatives. In fact, I don't believe I've ever seen Bonhoeffer quoted in any of the COG flagship periodicals (other than BA). And how many times have you run across an approving mention of MLK in Tomorrow's World?

I looked and couldn't find a single mention of "Bible prophecy" anywhere in this issue.

What you can find is an article by Ronald Gallagher on the crucifixion/resurrection, Calvin Burrell on the new covenant, Jason Overman on faith, Caitlin Meadows on abortion issues and a number of what I guess you'd call "devotional pieces." The closest thing to the stock-in-trade rigidities we've grown to expect in Armstrongism is a piece by former editor Max Morrow called Uphold the Faith!

Some of the distinctive beliefs of the Church of God (Seventh Day), which we believe are among “the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints,” are being tested: namely, divorce and remarriage, tithing, clean and unclean meats, observance of extra-biblical holidays, and participation in military combat. 

Morrow is clearly "old school", but it's interesting what he doesn't list: Bible prophecy. Bearing in mind that COG7 is an Adventist denomination that traces itself back to the early days, it seems remarkable that they're not preoccupied - perhaps obsessed is a better word - with the eschatological junk-food diet that now defines their granddaughter churches.

There's no getting around it, COG7 is a fundamentalist church and the Bible Advocate is, naturally, in that mould. But it's a different sort of fundamentalism to anything those in thrall to Roderick Meredith, David Pack, Gerry Flurry and their ilk have experienced. Dare one say it, there's a pastoral tone to the Bible Advocate, and you get the feeling that you could disagree with one or more of the writers and still be welcome.

The PDF is available to download.

(Next in the series, Greg Albrecht's Plain Truth)

Vision - the COG Edsel?

There's a quote from Stephen Elliot, one of the Hulmerous ministers who jumped ship in 2013, quoted on the anonymous COG News site.

The final print edition

"Our membership has declined, not grown. After 15 years and an estimated expense for Vision of $3+ million dollars for salaries, advertising, publishing, design, shipping, PR, video, travel and whatever, there has been no fruit from Vision or the Vision website. The only new members, other than children of members, have come because of a personal relationship with a member - not because of Vision."

Hulme's COGAIC looks more and more like the COG equivalent of an Edsel as time goes by. UCG was probably lucky when Dave slammed the car door and drove off into the sunset. The difference between Vision and Edsel? Ford only kept the thing for three years; Hulme kept throwing tithe money into the furnace for sixteen.

In what may be an attempt to airbrush the embarrassment of dumping their flagship publication, COGAIC has removed all PDF links to past issues. All you'll find now is a curated selection of articles from each back issue.

Tomorrow's World - Nice cover, shame about the content

Next cab off the publications rank this month is Tomorrow's World.

Rod Meredith has an editorial entitled Are We Ready for God's Intervention?

Dear readers, when we read the constant reports in the news about how corrupt governments all over the earth are oppressing and impoverishing their peoples, it is obvious that Almighty God will soon intervene!

As if corrupt governments, oppression and poverty were uniquely characteristic of our times... does this guy know nothing of history?

...you will see that this issue’s circulation number has gone down a bit. As many of you know, we ask those who have not been in touch with us for quite a while to “renew” their subscriptions. We are also finding ways to spread this message as cost-effectively as possible, and in ways to reach new audiences. Many of our readers, especially the younger ones, are “digital natives” who do most of their reading on the Internet - on their computers, or even on their smartphones. So, we are reaching out to those readers with a wonderful new “digital flipbook” version of this magazine. 

Harrumpff. Circulation is down, but it's okay, there's this cool flipping book version. Even Douglas will probably be less than impressed.

The lead article, Are You Willing to Change? is also by Meredith. Strange really, in that Meredith is the last person who has shown any willingness to change over long decades. His version of Armstrongism is firmly mired in the past.

Jonathan Riley writes the Canadian column, and he has the CN Tower in Toronto in his sights. The election of Justin Trudeau's government has rattled the LCG, it's a sure sign that all goodness and light is rapidly gurgling down the plughole. The tower has been lit in "rainbow colours in celebration of homosexual pride", hence Riley is doing a very credible Chicken Little impression ("the sky is falling!") Next thing he'll be comparing it to the Tower of Babel.

Oh, wait, he is.

In Genesis 11 we read about the construction of another tower in the Middle East... A people of one mind or purpose, whose desire was contrary to God and whose language was confused, bears striking similarities to the corruption, pride, vanity and nonsensical sociopolitical dialogue we see permeating Canada and Western society as a whole.

"Nonsensical sociopolitical dialogue"? Deeply fascist sects don't like the idea that people with different views can sit down and have a respectful conversion. It's God's way (which is, naturally, their way) or nothing. Kind of like the Taliban.

Global utopia is coming according to Richard Ames in an article that reads a lot like a precis of Herb Armstrong's Wonderful World Tomorrow booklet.

Who will supervise the twelve apostles in God’s coming Kingdom? Remember God called ancient King David “a man after My own heart” in Acts 13:22. Bible prophecy reveals that King David will rule over the united houses of Israel and Judah: “David My servant shall be king over them..."

Everything is obviously sorted; roll on 1972.

John Meakin has the inside word on industrial relations. Employee and employer groups might as well disband now.

But, if an employer is harsh, that is still no excuse to rebel. We read: “Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh” (1 Peter 2:18). We are also told to “count [our] own masters worthy of all honor” (1 Timothy 6:1).

John apparently feels that the relationship between employers and employees is a master/servant one. I guess that's how they run things in the LCG.

But wait, we've still got the cover article to come: Rod McNair, no less, has written The Great Unraveling. If you thought this might be a prophetic piece about what will happen in the LCG when Meredith goes to Sheol shortly, you'd be wrong. Read this and weep, fellow scoffers...

Scoffers—even some professing Christians—contend that the book of Genesis is myth and fable. But Genesis is Scripture, and all Scripture is given “by inspiration of God” (2 Timothy 3:16). Genesis includes the account of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden — and Jesus quoted from Genesis 1 and 2 (Matthew 19:4–6). Adam and Eve were real, and the choices they made produced consequences for the whole human family. They set in motion the social ills and societal decay we face today.

 So the way of salvation is through stupidity and ignorance of literary genres?

Jonathan McNair dishes up some gratuitous advice on boundaries for the younger readers - if there are any. Douglas Winnail gives a history lesson concerning "the post-Flood years of the Bronze Age". Post-Flood? You get the impression that LCG is staggering even further back into the mirror-arcade of Genesis mythology. How many other impossible things can LCG put on the early breakfast buffet? As if to confirm that TW has gone down the rabbit-hole, J. Davy Crockett, III (no, really, that's his chosen byline) has an article following called Chasing Two Rabbits?

To lend a veneer of scientific competence, Wally Smith has contributed an article called Einstein, God and Gravitational Waves. General relativity meets Armstrongism. Kids, a word to the wise, try not to quote Wally in your science assignments.

The PDF is available to download.

(Next time, The Bible Advocate)

Discern - "a sort of guide to the ultimate guide"

The latest issue (May-June) of COGWA's virtual mag Discern is now out. Is it any more impressive than the parallel issue of Beyond Today (reviewed here)? In terms of cover art, Discern is the clunkiest. More significantly, the quality of the analysis in Discern may be indicated by editor Clyde Kilough's decision to approvingly quote Joe Kovacs' eminently stupid book Shocked by the Bible in his introductory piece. If this issue has a theme, it's bad-to-the-bone Bible prophecy.

Jeremy Lallier in the lead article assures us that God knows stuff Google doesn't.

"we created this edition of Discern to serve as a sort of guide to the ultimate guide. Because it was written thousands of years ago by a diverse group of authors who lived in a wide range of cultures spanning multiple epochs of human history, the Bible can be an intimidating book — but don’t worry; we’ve got you covered."

Well shucks Jeremy, that sure is good of you.

David Treybig advises us that "For many professing Christians today, religion is just a few-hours-a-week thing. Many are passive, even apathetic." Not the COGWA faithful of course!

Theological titan extraordinaire Jim Franks brings us up to speed with the doctrine of the Holy Spirit in just two pages and puts the Seventh-day Adventists in their place at the same time.

Does God Exist? You thought that was a deep question? C'mon, this is COGWA. Rick Avent avoids tough questions like, what do you mean by God and, in what sense do you mean "exist" as opposed to things like toast, freedom and dandelion tea? Nope, Rick goes straight for the real dope (as in dopey), "fulfilled prophecy", ta-da!. Well, as long as you're happy Rick, but it rather begs the question, don't you think?

10 Ways to Protect Your Children from Technology Traps. Sounds a mildly useful article. Becky Sweat does a reasonable job at laying out some commonsense advice, but don't expect anything you haven't thought of already.

Back to the naive nineteenth-century prophecy theme. What's a COG without a pretend expert to make silly prognostications about the near future. COGWA is lucky enough to have Neal Hogberg (Gene's son?) and he's following in the family tradition of palliative prophetic punditry. Neal has written something called "A New Battle for Britain." Yup, Neal is a know-it-all about Brexit.

"Bible prophecy shows an end-time economic and military colossus composed of 10 core nations (Revelation 17:12-15; 18:9-19) that will be of one mind (Revelation 17:13). Other prophecies show this will not include Britain."

Gene would no doubt be proud of him. Bible prophecy, of course, shows no such thing. Have any of these guys bothered to do even the most basic research on the characteristics of ancient apocalyptic literature? (Rhetorical question, we probably know the answer already.)

The popular hymn that begins "Just as I am" gets pushed into a dark alley and beaten up by Erik Jones.

It's downright amazing how these geniuses know so much about the future direction of world news. Brexit has been covered, but what about the European refugee crisis? No worries, Joel Meeker is on the case. Joel "recently drove by The Jungle outside Calais in France." Guess that makes Joel a drive-by expert. Of course, Joel has the one-page answer - how could we doubt it - and it's (surprise!) Bible prophecy.

"Bible prophecy foresees intensifying refugee problems in the years ahead, as the four horsemen of the Apocalypse ride ever harder. But there is hope. The displacement of harassed populations will finally end with the establishment of the Kingdom of God. Under God’s protection, all people will be safe and flourish in their own homes and nations."

It's an interesting solution, Joel. I guess that means that millions of Caucasians like you will be deported from North America and the land returned to the Native Americans, right? Just following the logic...

Honestly fellas, if this is "a sort of guide to the ultimate guide", I think you just got everybody, including yourselves, horribly lost.

Anyone got Google Maps?

The PDF is available to download.

(Next in this series: Tomorrow's World).

Beyond Today - Clinging to the mold

(This is the first in the current series reviewing various COG publications)

The May-June issue of Beyond Today is out. If you thought the lads in UCG were interested in breaking the mouldy old mold by rebranding their flagship magazine, you must be hugely disappointed.

BI is back (not that it ever left) with a major back cover ad for the awful booklet some of us hoped UCG was quietly trying to drop.

Misogyny reigneth again. Not even one token woman listed in the staff box. There is an article by Janet Treadway though. Just a one-page reflection on the birth of a grandchild (congratulations Janet, lovely photo). But it still seems clear the lads wouldn't be happy having a female byline accompanying a big-boy-type article (you know, prophecy, tithing...)

The rest of the issue is pretty predictable. Scott Ashley editorialises his literal reading of the magic millennium. A "final crescendo" is building. The end-times armies will gather to Jerusalem to be wiped out by the armies of heaven. Happy days!

That well-known expert on the Middle East, Darris McNeely, pontificates on why Jerusalem is so very important. Darris was involved in "the big dig" in 1971, so he's clearly a pundit without peer.

Scott Ashley is back with an imperious bit of American exceptionalism, a flag-draped article about "The Global Power Vacuum". Let me get this straight, Scott doesn't vote, belongs to a supposedly apolitical sect, and yet races around his office on a mobility scooter chanting U.S.A.! U.S.A.!? The reason is - should there be any doubt - "Bible prophecy", which Scott naturally understands in great detail. The article concludes:

America is heading down a dark and dangerous path, and so is the rest of the world. Bible prophecy reveals where this path will lead—to a terrifying conclusion where, if not for God’s direct intervention, human life would be exterminated from all the earth (Matthew 24:21-22). 

You don’t need to tread this same path. You’re offered a much different way, a far better way, revealed in the pages of this magazine and your Bible. Instead of a vacuum of purpose in your life, you can fill your life with the understanding and real power that comes only from God. 

We hope and pray that you’ll choose wisely!

Then there's a nice little ad for their BI booklet to help make it all clear.

Apparently the US is heading toward some kind of election - who would have guessed it? - so Mike Kelley has radically rewritten the old chestnut article on voting. Mike assures us that "God doesn't oppose wealth", which is comforting given all the counterindications in the New Testament about eyes of needles and suchlike. But no, be ye reassured.

Helping those in poverty is often viewed as a hallmark of liberalism. But genuine concern for the poor seeks to alleviate their plight permanently through different means—by encouraging private charity and reducing wasteful human government programs and regulations to allow economic freedom leading to wealth creation and greater prosperity for all, including the poor.

Moreover, Jesus compared himself to a wealthy man. So there! The Koch brothers must love this guy.

The Bible does make a case for a liberty-oriented economy — what we would today call true capitalism or, perhaps better put, private property and free exchange.

Really? Can't wait for that booklet.

A number of readers may share Mike's weltanschauung, but it's hardly unbiased and is arguably inappropriate for a denominational publication. It does demonstrate the ongoing narrowing of COG engagement with the wider world, and a departure from the usual call for readers to disengage from the electoral process. I'm guessing - and I may be going out on a limb here - that Mike doesn't "feel the Bern".

Steve Myers writes about the Sabbath, "a precious place in time". Indeed, he describes it as "God's Sabbath benefit plan". Apparently it's the best thing since well before sliced bread.

Scott Ashley returns - obviously, he's been earning his salary this month - with an article on the Holy Spirit. Perhaps someone can explain why COG writers capitalize Holy Spirit when they believe it is a force not a person? Briefly, in the distant past, the WCG style guide seemed to flip on this issue and, for a very short time in the 1970s, it was holy spirit. Barely time to blink and it was back to capital letters "unto this very day".

Not to be outdone, Darris McNeely grabs his violin and pays a tithing sonata. Less said the better.

Someone who doesn't want to be identified by name has contributed an article called "The Valuable Benefits and Purpose of Bible Prophecy." As we say in this part of the world, "yeah, right!" Vince Szymkowiak writes about Pentecost and there's another anonymous bit of waffle about decision making.

This thing reads more like the Philadelphia Trumpet each month.

The PDF is available to download.

(Coming up next: Discern)