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Nature of God |
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Monotheistic -- One True God |
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Binitarian -- Two True Gods |
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Trinitarians -- Two Gods and a spare |
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Polytheistic -- Many, many gods |
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Atheistic -- No God |
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Agnostic -- not sure there's a god [what's the point?] |
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Everybody is God -- God is inside of you |
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Godlett -- everyone will be God as God but not God |
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What do you mean by that? *I* AM GOD and also the Apostle! |
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|
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Nature of Organization |
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Hierarchical -- ruled with an iron hand from the top down by one man |
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Oligarchical -- Hierarchical but with a group of men ruling with an iron
hand |
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Congregational -- ruled with an iron hand from the top down by a 'one
man show' but claiming a democracy |
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Anarchical -- nobody is in charge with everyone doing their own thing
ruled with an iron hand from the top down by a 'one man show'; Hey! you get
to vote on who's in charge--if we don't postpone the elections yet again
until the next seventh year! |
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Patriarchal -- hierarchical but with women and children being invisible |
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|
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Sabbath |
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Kept from sunset to sunset from Friday night to Saturday night |
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Kept from end of Evening Nautical Twilight from the end of the sixth day
of the week to the end of the seventh day of the week |
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Sunday from midnight to midnight |
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Every day is good for it since we worship all the time |
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Sabbath? Sabbath? Isn't that Jewish? |
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Friday and some day you infidels will all be Islam! |
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|
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Holydays |
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We keep them all but use man made postponements because we think the
Jews still have authority over Christians even though they don't |
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No postponements ever [don't you idiots study the Bible?] |
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Memorials of Christ to be kept in the summer during most people's
vacation times or on weekends in the Fall if it all |
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No postponements ever! We keep the sliver of the moon, usually two days
after the real Feast Day |
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|
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New Moons |
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You must be kidding!?! |
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Jerusalem time beginning at the End of Evening Nautical Twilight all day |
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Local time beginning at sunset until the next sunset |
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Local time at the End of Evening Nautical Twilight for 24 hours |
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Local time at End of Evening Nautical Twilight for a few hours until we
all get tired and go home |
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Local time at sunset for a few hours until we all get tired and go home |
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Local time at sunset until we get ready to go to work the next morning |
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Jerusalem time beginning at the End of Evening Nautical Twilight for a
few hours |
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Jerusalem time beginning at sunset for a few hours |
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Jerusalem time beginning at sunset until Dr. Phil comes on |
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|
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Clean and unclean meats |
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|
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That's a Jewish Kosher Thing right? |
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No pig no shellfish and no cannibalism |
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No biggie we're vegetarians |
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No unclean meats |
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No unclean meats but we insist that you eat lots of red meat for the
heme iron and drink lots of red wine with it and if you are diabetic that's
just too bad |
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Hey, I trust the butcher! |
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|
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Passover |
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The Lord's Supper kept the evening at sunset on Nisan 14 |
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The Lord's Supper kept the evening at End of Evening Nautical Sunset on
Nisan 14 |
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Passover is kept the evening of Nisan 15 |
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No it isn't! |
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Yes it is! |
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You're confusing it with the Lord's Supper |
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You're confusing it with the Night to Be Much Observed |
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No we're not, you're the ones who are confused |
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Wait a minute! You don't mean you keep the Lord's Supper on the evening
of Nisan 14 then keep the Passover on the evening of Nisan 15 after killing
the lamb on Nisan 14 at 3 PM and then staying up until after midnight on the
15th, do you? |
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That's right, genius |
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That's absolutely stupid! You're sacrificing on the night after the
Passover when Christ said explicitly that he was keeping the Passover and
then you eat a sacrifice when Christ's sacrifice was the ultimate sacrifice
and the animal sacrifices are no longer necessary? |
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Look, stupid, it's in the Old Testament and it will be kept in the
Millennium |
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Will not! |
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Will too! |
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Guys, guys! |
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|
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Boy we're sure glad we ditched the Passover for Good Friday and Easter,
sheesh! |
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|
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Nature of Christ |
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Christ is God and has existed forever |
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Christ never existed until he was born of Mary |
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Christ is God, just one aspect and he was on earth and heaven at the
same time |
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Christ was created by God first and is one of the Elohim as the sons of
God and Lucifer is his brother |
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Lucifer was created first |
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No he wasn't |
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Yes he was! |
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Anyway, Christ was the God of the Old Testament |
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Christ is Melchizadek |
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You misread the Scripture: He was of the order of Melchizdek |
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Christ was Michael the Archangel as one of the Elohim until he was born
of Mary at which time he had a handy dual citizenship |
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Christ had physical brothers and sisters, and his brother James wrote
the Epistle of James |
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Those weren't Christ's brothers and sisters, they were cousins |
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I'm not sure we can know one way or another since it was almost 2,000
years ago--we can't even agree what happened on the grassy knoll sixty years
ago; heck, we can't even agree on what happened in the 2000 US Presidential
elections! |
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Christ was just a nice man and a most excellent teacher |
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Christ never existed and is a myth |
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|
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Prophecy |
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Uh, oh! |
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Herbert was right about all his predictions, just a little late |
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Herbert Armstrong was a false prophet |
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Britain and the United States are Manasseh and Ephraim or maybe the
other way around--you know what I mean |
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British Israelism is true therefore the United States dollar is going to
fail and the US will go out of existence for invading Iraq |
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You're nuts! |
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The Bible says so! |
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Oh, yeah, where? |
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Uh, uh. Well it just is! |
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I thought so! |
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The end of the world is in 30 minutes and Christ will return |
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I guess it will take a little longer.... |
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You people are so nuts: Your prophecies have never come true yet and
never will! |
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Oh, yeah! You'll see! You'll be sorry! |
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Maybe so, but the pain will last for just a short while and then we will
have a wonderful beautiful world and people like you will be very unhappy
that there won't be death and destruction any more! |
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You forgot Satan will be loosed for a little season after the
Millennium--they'll be lots of blood and gore then! |
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Whatever! |
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|
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God's Plan of Salvation |
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Some of you will go into the Third Resurrection if you aren't part of
our group! |
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There is no Third Resurrection |
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Humanity is irrelevant--it's all about redeeming Satan! |
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What in the hell!?!!! |
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See, Christ gave that parable about the prodigal son: That was about him
and Satan and God the Father--the rest of us are irrelevant |
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You're crazy! |
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No, you just aren't seeing things right. At the end of the Millennium,
Satan will be loosed for a short season and after that he will die. He will
be brought back as a mortal man for the Great White Throne Judgment for 100
years and he will repent. Then he will be brought back as God's true
favorite son. He's the best looking one in the family anyway: He's smart,
he's talented, and as far as God is concerned, he's my son, the musician. |
| |
You must be kidding? Satan repents?! He's going into darkness and
blackness forever, just like it says in Jude--probably chained to a quantum
singularity. |
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Nope. He's going to be God's favored son again. |
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And just what about Leviticus 16, huh? The old goat was led into the
wilderness. |
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He's baaaack! Haven't you learned one thing about the Book of Job--that
wasn't about Job, that was God instructing Satan, as a first step to bring
him back into the fold |
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That's just nuts! You are interpreting the Bible and falling on the
sword! |
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Says you! |
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Yeah, right! |
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If you don't believe it now, you won't be in the First Resurrection and
I'll be over you for the 100 years of the Great White Throne Judgment! |
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Says you! You're in for a *big* surprise! |
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So are you! |
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Whatever! |
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|
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Evangelism |
| |
New Covenant doctrine on what a nice man Jesus was |
| |
The United States and Britain are going down! But mostly the United
States! |
| |
God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son that whoso believes
in him shall not perish but have everlasting life |
| |
The United States and Britain are going down! But mostly the United
States! |
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You can have joy and peace in your life if you will accept Jesus as your
personal savior |
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The United States and Britain are going down! But mostly the United
States! |
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Benny Hinn |
| |
The United States and Britain are going down! But mostly the United
States! |
| |
UCG: We're not sure but we are studying it and will have a paper about
it in about 10 years or the return of Christ which ever occurs first. |
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|
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Baptism |
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We sprinkle where ever it is convenient |
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We sprinkle in church next to the holy water fount |
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We plunge and submerge at either the swimming pool at the YMCA, a home
swimming pool or a local lake or river, but where ever it is you can be sure
you will freeze before it's over |
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Give me that baptism of fire! |
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|
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Tithing |
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Tithing has been done away |
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10% of your net income is required by God to do His Work |
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10% of your gross income is required by God to do His Work |
| |
10% of your gross income is required by God to do His Work and since He
is so bad with money, He needs generous offerings too |
| |
But you need to give your generous offerings graciously with joy and not
grudgingly just because we are robbing you blind |
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You need to give 10% of your gross income and use another 10% of your
income to go to commanded Feasts |
| |
You need to give 10% of your gross income, another 10% for Feasts and
twice in every seven years 10% more for the fatherless and widows, but which
goes for jet fuel, flying lessons for our evangelists and homes for God's
humble servants |
| |
Oh, yeah, and add offerings |
| |
You need to give 10% of your increase, use 10% more to go the Feasts and
give offerings, except in the seventh year of release, you don't pay any
tithes at all because you live on a farm and you let the land rest--thus
stealing tithe money from God if you happen to have a paying job--but it all
works out since your income doubled in the sixth year [which it never does]
and you can take the year off, hence the word "Sabbatical", but in the third
year of tithing, you give the second tithe to the fatherless, widow and
stranger and can stay home from the Feast except you should have had the
foresight to save money over from your tithes of other years because there
is no such thing as excess second tithe or tithe of the tithe, except, of
course, when the church runs out of money in the seventh year and doesn't
have any income and tells you to send in your excess second tithe for the
fatherless, widow and stranger because this is the year of the reading of
the law and everyone should attend if humanly or otherwise possible so you'd
better have your passports up to date in any event. Well, screw that! That
second tithe is mine to spend on the Feasts eatin' and meetin' and I ain't
giving it to nobody except as commanded and required by Law. |
| |
A tithe is any part of what you can spare of your income--it could be 3%
or 9% or 12% but we're hoping for a higher percentage with offerings, thanks |
| |
Give us all your money and we'll see what you can make out--after all,
the just shall live by faith! |
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|
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Family |
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All of humanity is a family |
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Our country is a family |
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Our community is our family |
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Our cult is a family and if you don't walk away from absolutely everyone
else you will be thrown into the Lake of Fire and get that baptism of fire
you were talking about! |
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|
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Doctrine |
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Every word of Scripture is inspired by God and is a guide for our lives
to give us joy, peace and love |
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Every word of Scripture is inspired by God, but you'd better have at
least two or three Scriptures to prove your point! |
| |
We're studying the subject; we'll change it surreptitiously when we make
up our minds and you won't even know it! Check our web site often--daily is
recommended! |
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What I say is doctrine! You can't go to doctors, you can't remarry and
you can't use makeup! Period! My word is law! My way or the highway! I'm the
apostle directly under Jesus Christ and you'd better do as I say, or else
it's the Lake of Fire for you! |
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|
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Ministry |
| |
Helpers of our joy |
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Helpers of our joy from 10% of your salary |
| |
We give sermons on Sabbaths and Holydays, which are pretty much the same
thing, really |
| |
What do you mean, what do we do the rest of the time? We're busy!
Haven't you noticed the pounds I've lost and the muscles I've built? |
| |
What do mean by that? Spending time with my neighbor's wife! Ridiculous.
No I haven't had your wife yet! I'm gay, dammit! I founded Anchor Magazine! |
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|
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Church History |
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Oh, no! Not that again! If you mention the Waldensians one more time,
I'll just scream! |
| |
There is a provable line of Christians from Christ and the Apostles who
kept the Sabbath, Holydays, Passovers and New Moons until the Twentieth
Century at which point it all went to hell under Herbert Armstrong who
adopted the postponements which had never been kept before his time. |
| |
Based on what? |
| |
Based on credible sources, like the Seventh Day Adventists from the
visions of Ellen G. White: Why the Bogomils are a fine example of
Christians. |
| |
Bogomils were homosexual mystics of the occult. |
| |
Were not! That's just what their enemies said. |
| |
Oh, grow up--it wasn't just what their enemies said, their friends said
it too! |
| |
Did not! |
| |
Well, the burden of proof on you, and so far, your 'scholarship' is
something a school boy would be ashamed of! |
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You'll never be in the first resurrection with an attitude like that. |
| |
Worth it not to have to put up with your nuttiness! |
| |
It doesn't matter, since you are a Laodocean either way! |
| |
And what about the Living [dead] Church of God--they have a name that
they are living but are dead: Doesn't that mean they are Sardis? Where does
the Laodocean church fit in all this? |
| |
Hmmm. Maybe you're Ephesian instead because it clear you lost your first
love! |
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You are vicious and don't have any love--what church era does that make
you? |
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|
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Christians are the spiritual legacy of Christ and there does not have to
be a provable line of churches to prove the love, joy and peace we have in
our hearts. Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you and persecute
you and God, the Father will redeem you through the sacrifice of Christ. It
does not matter who our brothers and sisters were through history, for we
will all meet them with gladness in the days to come. |
| |
You religious types drive me nuts: Read my lips, there is no God and
when you die that's it. |
| |
You poor dear. Let me get you a drink of cold water. Are you hungry? Do
you have a place to stay tonight away from the cold? Are you sick--we might
be able to help. |
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I give up! |
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|
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Education |
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I finished eighth grade |
| |
I have a high school diploma |
| |
I have a GED because of the advice of Bill McDowell who told me to get
one at the church picnic |
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I have a college diploma |
| |
I have a Master's Degree |
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I have a PhD |
| |
I have several PhDs |
| |
I have several PhDs, been a doctor, a
field researcher, a lab director, a professor, the dean of Yale medical
school, President of the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and member of the
Presidential Science Advisory Board. |
| |
The above person has no credibility in
the Churches of God, because we are the experts and besides he's demon
possessed. |
| |
I am an aposlte--I don't nead no piece
of worthless paper from Satan's collages and Universitys of this world to
proove that I are God's choosen won! University profesers are all controlled
by demons and the CIA. This world's education has brought on all the ills of
this world but God is going to destroy all the werld's edukasion systim to
establish a grate new agrarian systim where the women will keep there plase
at home bearfoot and pregnant and cook for their man, and the man will work
up a good sweat working in the fields 18 hours a day with a wooden hand
plough except for the Sabbath where they will all listen to me because I'm
God's apostle and nobody will need an education beyond what I'm tell you
today. |
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|
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Alcohol |
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No one in our church drinks alcohol |
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Everyone in our church drinks alcohol
in moderation |
| |
Everyone in our church drinks alcohol
to excess because alcohol is the finest part of the creation of God, it
makes us feel good and will have that third glass of red wine with that slab
of red meat rare beef along with our minister who told us to feel good about
alcohol and that God commands us to drink it. |
| |
The arrest report for your minister is
online |
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|
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Mental Illness |
| |
We welcome all people and will pray for
any affliction you or your family members may have |
| |
As long as mentally ill people are
successfully treated and stay on their meds, they can come to church |
| |
We won't have *those* people in the
church |
| |
If you have a mentally ill member of
your household, you'd better put them in a home or *you* won't be allowed to
come to church |
| |
All mentally ill are demon possessed |
| |
What do you mean the pastor suffers
from clinical depression and he's under treatment! You're lying! No, the
person writing about mental illness in our flagship magazine for the church
is not mentally ill! What do you mean he's under treatment, but isn't coming
to grips with his mental problems!?! You are nuts! |
| |
Your cult leader has his military
medical record online which shows he has paranoid schizophrenia, and no, I
will not give you the URL! Find it yourself! |
| |
|
| |
Safety |
| |
All of us are concerned with the
well-being of our members and will take action to insure their peace and
safety. |
| |
All of us are concerned with the
well-being of our members and will take action to insure their peace and
safety by casting out immoral people as commanded by Scripture so we may
worship decently and in order. |
| |
All of us are deeply concerned with the
well-being of our members, but what do you suggest we do? |
| |
No, you can't go to court. Do not call
the police! |
| |
All of us are concerned with the
well-being of our members and now that you have a court restraining order,
we have no choice but to honor it, but the minute it expires or we can get
it rescinded.... It's under appeal anyway, so you don't have much
protection! |
| |
At our church we have xray machines and
metal detectors which everyone needs to pass before entering church to get
past security |
| |
At our church all of our members have a
black belt in one or more of the martial arts |
| |
At our church all of our members have a
black belt in one or more of the martial arts and we carry guns and are
fully proficient with their use |
| |
Doesn't worry us, we're Arab Terrorists
who worship Allah, the Arab tribal god, Sin, and he was chief of our 360
gods and the most powerful of all before Mohammed came along and pretended
to do the monotheism thing; and, by the way, no one is safe with us around,
not even the other members of our tribe! You saw what we could do on 9/11 to
execute the wrath of Allah against the great Satan of the United States,
full of infidels who must be destroyed! |
| |
We don't attend church any more after what happened in Wisconsin |
| |
|
| |
Community |
| |
We are not of the world, but we work in the world |
| |
All of humanity is a global community |
| |
The United States is God's Chosen People |
| |
The people in Australia / New Zealand are righteous folk and will watch
the US tank |
| |
The church is a community and all Christians everywhere are a part of
that community |
| |
Only the Christians of our church are a true community |
| |
We in our church are a community and we are cut off from everybody else |
| |
We in our church are cut off from everybody else and are going to form a
commune |
| |
We have formed a commune for Sabbath Keepers |
| |
We are having a few problems in our commune |
| |
We are now suing each other in our commune |
| |
The public officials are getting involved in our lawsuits |
| |
Since the commune thing failed, I'm going it alone and there is no such
thing as "community" |
| |
Jesus intended his followers to work in the world and contribute to the
world community as we are able |
| |
|
| |
Accountability |
| |
The auditors come in once a year and give us a clean bill of health,
what more do you want? |
| |
And we've switched from Arthur Andersen, so there! |
| |
Why do you want a copy of our balance sheet--what possible good could
come of that? |
| |
It's posted on our website, but that page must be down right now [for
six months, already?!] |
| |
It's none of your business how we spend God's money! Like you've
contributed a significant percentage! |
| |
Who bloody cares: All you want to do is talk about it in your forums
anyway! |
| |
|
| |
Forums |
| |
Our church has a forum to encourage our people to do good works |
| |
Our church has a forum to help people to solve their problems |
| |
Our church has a forum so people can complain about their problems |
| |
Our church has a forum so people can complain about the church |
| |
Our forum condemns all churches but our own |
| |
Our forum condemns all churches and is open to the public |
| |
Our forum condemns all churches and is closed and is for members only |
| |
Our forum is closed |
| |
|
| |
Repentance |
| |
All have sinned and fallen short and do
need the glory of God |
| |
The goodness of God leads you to
repentance |
| |
Repentance is the first step to
salvation to enter into God's glorious kingdom by developing the gift of the
fruit of the Holy Spirit with such deep love, joy, peace, goodness and
temperance to enrich all of our lives today and the future |
| |
You evil people had better repent or
God will destroy the United States and leave Australia alone |
| |
You evil people in the church had
better repent bitterly and sing Psalm 51 |
| |
I have committed terrible sins against
you, Oh, God, and will deeply repent and make changes in my life because I
love you and do not want to disappoint you |
| |
I got caught--so what? |
| |
I am fourth in line just under God,
Jesus Christ, and Herbert Armstrong and I have never committed any major sin
since I've been baptized |
