(For the record, AW regards British
Israelism in any form as irredeemably fallacious, totally discredited, and
Also better known as "The Devil's Dictionary"
But he's not the one who defines the terms....
In order to really understand what is going on in the Churches of God, one must understand the terminology. Below are some helpful definitions. Otherwise, you just don't get it! You just don't GET IT! Exactly what 'it' is may be derived through osmosis from the definitions below. Unfortunately, this page will always be under construction.
The following pretty much sum up the past 70 years of hypocrisy in the Churches of God.
Abandon all hope all ye who enter here!
Eschatology: The illicit relationship Joseph Tkach, Senior had with Ellen Escat right in front of his wife in their own home; also, The study of the end time and end time events; Eschatology is usually speculative, and viewed in the time frame of those studying the subject for the last two millennia; Some modern views on Eschatology appear to be more closely related to Scatology.
Surrealistic: Surreal / Realistic; A mind twisting exercise in profound prophetic propaganda
CoG: An essentially unimportant part of a superset of religious organization; there are big CoGs and little CoGs, but they are all useless in the over all functioning of the machinery
Spit-off: Any church of God which derives its existence from the WCG and Herbert Armstrong
Godlett: God as God is God, but not God
Scoundrel General: Top of the paramilitary CoG
Klutzaphoria: Ability to be uncoordinated, particularly when kneeling in worship before your former Scoundrel General in tears in abject repentance asking him to take you back while you lick his boots
Wolfasps: Snakes in suits--being a wolf might be bad imagery but looking like the snake you are is far worse; besides, a cute little wolf pup is so appealing until he sinks his poisonous fangs in you
Fallen Host: Satan and the demons; also, defrocked ministers who manage to go from CoG to CoG without moving their home from the same city, even though they have raped 16 teenage girls and 8 of their mothers; also, a term used obsessively by a CoG that just can't get enough of Satan and the demons and discusses the 'fallen host' endlessly
Dumb as a rock: The 16 teenage girls and 8 of their mothers as described by the minister who was supposed to take care of the Fallen Host instead of having one shred of compassion for the victims
Innsinuendo: Insinuation / Innuendo; The Scoundrel General doesn't come right out and tell you that you are an infidel before waterlogging your disfellowship, he suggests it or makes mysterious statements without attribution
Disfellowship: Dissin' your fellow and sinking his ship
Hyposee: Hypocrite / Pharisee; any minister in the machinery of the CoG
Frod: A ministerial fraud of the Church of God
Sheople: Sheep people; Pastards sheer the sheople before taking them to the slaughter and eating them
Pastard: Pastor / Bastard
Chri$tian Mu$ic: An opportunity to make money off religious folk
UCGIA: Unethical Crime Generators, Imposing Aberrations
LCG: Living Dead Church of God--having a name that they are living, but they are dead; also: Sardis
WCG: Worldwise Church of Fraud
PCG: Pillaging Crazy Guys
RCG: Rotten Cultic Guys; also, Recycled Cultic Garbage
CGG: Cultic Grandiose Gobbledygook
Obsessive Compulsive: Spending hours with your concordance and four versions of Scripture discussing the meaning of Eloha, Elohim and Adoni while neglecting your wife and children
Mental Disorder: Ordering sanity from Amazon.com, but having the order fouled up; also, the required property possessed by every Pastard
Campus: Source of retirement money for the Scoundrel General; also a major place in the brain where lust is developed
Sermonette: A mini-sermon, but often taking much longer
Feast: An event where pastards live off the sheople
Awesum: The amount of money collected at the Feast by wolfasps after the sermonette; also, the amount of blood money collected for selling the Campus
Sersleep: Sleep during the sermon, usually after the Awesum is collected at the Feast after the sermonette in the afternoon after lunch
Five hours: Usual sermonette length by the traveling evangelist about Surrealistic prophetic events inducing Sersleep; also, the record length of time Joseph Tkach, Senior yelled at a woman member of the WCG for undermining the authority of the CoG even though she was a totally innocent victim
Heresy: Any teaching of a CoG
COE: Council of Evil, better known as the Council of Elders
General Council: Pastards of the UCGIA who don't have the power of either the Scoundrel General or the COE
Members: Attendees of CoGs who have no power, no ownership, no rank and no say in the workings of the CoG; also, sheople who are totally ignored by their pastards in the time of need
Ethics: A moral quantity derived in a CoG by dividing by zero; also, a new hypothetical mathematical model proposed by the COE in the UCGIA
Assertive Incompetence: A self-defining term as exemplified by the saying: "I do not know if pigs can fly, but management keeps tossing them in the air, hoping they will"; if we still wonder if pigs can fly, we should remember Herbert Armstrong and the Gulfstream Jet
Profesy: A professor pronouncing pedantic prophetic propaganda in the WCG; specifically, Dr. Hooey
Evangelist: Evil Angel Pastard
Buffy: A central character in the Watched Barely network's past TV seasons Buffy, the Vampire Slayer; also, short for "buffoon", a nickname imparted by Herbert Armstrong to a particularly clueless evangelist who exhibits klutzaphoria in front of Spanky
Spanky: George McFarland, a central character to the "Our Gang" movies, produced from 1922 through 1944; also, an evangelist renowned for spanking his daughter up to the age of 18 and bragging about it in front of the congregation in sermons [also see, LCG]
Apostate: The state in which the apostle is registered as a corporate sole
Smallville: Past Pasadena Campus of the WCG
The Plain Truth: Nothing of the kind
The Good News: Nothing of the kind
Tomorrow's World: Past, present and future of nothing of the kind
Forerunner: A model of a Toyota vehicle; also, the magazine with a ripped off format from Tomorrow's World, The Good News and The Plain Truth--a pretty good imitation of the competition
Tomorrow: The day which will never come; also, a cable access TV program produced by Howard Davis for the UCGIA in competition with the Good News Television Program and doing a darn good job of it
Fondler: A 70 year old elder in the UCGIA in good standing
Stalker: A sanctioned member in good standing of the the UCGIA, defended by deacons and elders willing to commit perjury by lying under oath to say he never stalked anybody and hasn't done it since last summer
President: A duly elected chief of state sworn to protect the Constitution of the United States; also, the figurehead of the UCGIA having an average term of three years and counting
Propaganda: What's good for the goose is also proper for the gander; also, anything that comes out of the mouth of a Pastard
Hymnal: A collection of original religious songs by Dwight Armstrong with plagiarized tunes and words taken mostly from the Bible; also, a collection of hymns used by ex WCG spit-offs who claim that they don't come from the WCG, but used Dwight Armstrong's collection of plagiarized original religious songs; also, WCG Songbook--the color of the cover determines which spit-off you are [red, purple, blue, etc]
Sarcasm: The result of listening to insinuendos of pastards
Resurrection: Every few years, the same ideas are recycled
Original: Plagiarism, mostly from Dugger and Dodd who 'borrowed' it from Ellen G. White, but also from G. G. Rupert
One True God: Binatarianism, Trinitarianism or polytheism
Hypostasis: There are several theories about this awful word, but near as anyone can tell, we all know what stasis is and that's where something is in suspended animation and hypo either means very, very, extremely, the most or it has something to do with needles and administering medicine, so it either means suspended animation by injection or very suspended animation, which makes no sense at all, and that's pretty much what we concluded when we listened to Dr. Stravrinedes live at the Feast when he talked about people who drove 60 miles to get a cheap boat with a plastic motor--it makes no sense; also, another possibility, though we won't be particularly dogmatic about it: That it is an invisible god as part of the godhead that got stuck in time and is in suspended animation and the other two Guys have to cover for Him
Diagnostic: n. A person who doubts the existence of two gods.
Postponements: Action taken by the UCGIA concerning papers on mental illness and demon possession; also, man made Feast Days
Depression: An event marked by a stock market crash; also, an even marked by a pastard's periodic crash and burn
Host: Biological entity which supports parasites [a fallen host may also be a person who just can't keep up with tithing any more]
Prison: A place reserved for the fallen spirits who break the law, including, but not restricted to, Scoundrel Generals, Evangelists, Pastards, Preaching Elders, Elders and deacons who commit perjury in stalking trials by lying under oath, stalkers and fondlers; also, it ain't gonna happen
Justice: A quaint but useless concept that scoundrels will get what is coming to them and victims will be validated; also, a term which causes scornful laughter in people who also react the same way to the term 'empowerment'; also, a prophetic event waiting for the millennium
Millennium: A version of Windows 98; also, a thousand years subject to tender mercies of judgment of godletts
The Great White Throne Judgment: A time where everyone who has ever lived will be in the resurrection to learn how to live God's way and become junior godletts--a term for anyone who is not a member of your particular CoG at the time of death
The Third Resurrection: An event reserved to anyone who is not a member of your particular CoG at the time of death
Filladelphia: Growing membership in the PCG
Abraham: The first patriarch, and the father of the faithful. Scripture states that Abraham was righteous because of his faith in God. This, of course, is not good enough for the rest of us
Isaac: First name of a British Man who invented The Calculus; also, First name of a highly admired prolific writer of the Twentieth Century who was known for advanced science fiction and wrote The Foundation Series, but who also wrote scientific books and articles and even several books on religion and the Bible, ironic because he was an atheist and did not believe in traveling faster than light or time travel
Abomination: Something repugnant in the spiritual sense, as, say, a pious member of another church
Angel: Spirit being; Creation of God that is spiritual by nature; There appear to be ranks of angels, such as Archangels; These are angels that apparently are unable to travel in a strait line; Satan, an angelic being, is described in scripture as having swayed approximately one-third of the other angels over to his way of thinking and leadership; It should be refreshing to know that some angels are not much brighter than physical beings.
Antichrist: Someone elseís Christ; It is theorized that if the antichrist and Christ were to meet, great destruction would result.
Ark: 1 Container, also known as the ĎArk of the Covenantí, wherein ancient Israel kept the Tablets of the Law, along with other curios of the period; Some fundamentalist churches believe the Ten Commandments stand alone, apart from the Old Covenant, but overlook the obvious connection between the Ark of "the Covenant" and the contents being the Ten Commandments. 2 Larger container built by Noah wherein he floated his stock while everyone else went into liquidation.
Beatitudes: Contraction of "Beautiful Attitudes"; Statements made by Jesus in his Sermon on the Mount. Rarely do people ascribe to this list of Christian ideals, but rather practice their antithesis, known as the "Ugly-attitudes":
Born Again: Concept put forth in Christianity where one who has become a Christian is perceived as having been "born again" in the process. Many fundamentalist churches find the concept unacceptable, claiming Christians are not "born again" because they are still flesh and blood, and they are willing to prove this by means of the old hat-pin trick. If stuck with a hat-pin and it hurts, then you are flesh and blood, not a spirit being, and therefore not "born again." Some insist upon literal interpretations or understandings when a more figurative understanding is necessary, and vice-versa. The concept of being "born again" might be better understood by peeking in the back door, so to speak. If a Christian dies, is he a "dead again" Christian?
Church: In Catholicism and with Protestants, a building in which services and congregational activities are conducted; in CoG, those who have the Holy Spirit; in the Seattle UCG a vague hope that there will be a building in which services and congregational activities will be conducted, but at the end of 2002, after collecting for the 'building fund' by collecting tithes locally into their local bank account for seven years, they only had $85,000--just enough to buy the inflatable church pictured here to put up in the Safeway, Fred Meyer and / or Sears parking lots in Redmond, Washington
Modern Israel: The unproveable assumption that the United States and British Commonwealth descended directly from Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Ephraim and Manasseh and then got lost on a wrong turn somewhere on the Autobahn
DNA Research: The effort to prove the identity of modern Israel instead of trying to find the genetics related to the drunkards of Ephraim; also, attempts by pastards to impress sheople with their fine lineage by droning on endlessly about their own genealogy, thus subverting I Timothy 1:4
Moderation: Alcoholic Diabetic ministers having three glasses of red wine after they consume red meat at dinner
Soy Bean: A legume which causes macular degeneration in members of specific CoGs
Forgiveness: What pastards demand and members are denied
Victim: Any member of CoG
Recovery: A life time process of leaving CoG; also, an unattainable state of being for members
Physical Exercise: A method of recovery never mentioned by pastards
Rational Recovery: A sensible and workable methodology to overcome addictions effectively permanently instantly discovered by Jack and Lois Trimpey much hated and despised by Pastards who want you to remain addicted to their metaphysical drug [not to mention remain practicing alcoholics using what is laughingly called 'moderation'], becoming advocates standing between you and God so you will forever be chained to them to provide them their narcissistic source, salary and retirement
Scoundrel Recycling: The program to preserve the lives of pastards through providing church environment after church environment with different CoGs, where they are willing to drop their current belief system for the one providing them with their narcissistic source, salary and retirement
Wonderful: A term reserved for pastards who break the Fifth Commandment from the pulpit by telling members about their beatings they received from their alcoholic parents during their teenage years, in order to look like the 'good guy' and 'one of the guys' in order to retain their narcissistic source, salary and retirement
Makeup: A fundamental doctrine essential to members during various periods in the RCG and WCG under Herbert Armstrong; anyone wearing makeup during certain years are destined to be in The Third Resurrection; also, having to go back and correct doctrines which have been proved to be false by newer false doctrines
Spokesman Club: A periodic meeting where pastards shaped the warped personalities of leading male sheople by first praising them falsely publicly for what they supposedly did right and then going in for the kill during the evaluation to strip the sheople of dignity and sanity with an assessment usually clear, neat, logical and wrong using useless correction
Cesspool: An nice warm comfortable environment where pastards convince sheople through seduction to join them through abject bribery to do laps
Alcoholic: The usual pastard and occasional sheople
Mentally Ill: Anyone who has spent any time with pastards and sheople
Correction: A process to make sheople mentally ill
Useless: A privately used term among pastards to describe mentally ill sheople and victims of pastards
Mercy: The gentle victimization by pastards
Apathy: The natural result of being told lies and false prophecies which can never come true
Global warming: The one true scientific demonstrable prophecy that ocean levels are going to rise so you better not build your house on the ocean beach
Abomination of Desolation: When you A-Bomb a nation, you pretty much make it desolate; also, the term referring to Benny Hinn as he gave the dedication for Ambassador Hall in July 2004 for the new proprietors, Harvest Rock
Anger: The natural result of being told lies and false prophecies and finding out they are lies and false prophecies; Anger is always followed by apathy because there's not a bloody thing you can do about lies and false prophecies
Frustration: The knowledge that there's not a bloody thing you can do about lies and false prophecies
Savior: The cult leader at the top; hey! you have no idea how hard he works to be your advocate to stand between between you and God, plagiarize while flying around the world, sacrificing his time and effort on your tithes to bring you stupid sheople truth so you can be in the First Resurrection instead of taking your chances in the Second; you'd better appreciate it!
Consensus: Doing everything exactly the way your cult leader says to do it
Constitution: The measurement of how well you can endure the excesses of the Feast
Exorcism: Casting demons out of ministers
One Man Show: A CoG run by a dictator who claims the members own the church by the articles of the constitution but who have no real say
Dust: The stuff of mankind. People reduced to their lowest common denominator.
Easter: Relating to the rising of the sun, and the rising of the son of God, Jesus, who is said to have risen on a Sunday, or first day of the weekó which conflicts with John 20:1, where it states that Jesus had already risen some time prior to sunrise. However, this little glitch in scripture has not deterred people from the popular belief concerning the sunrise resurrection, where Jesus is said to have seen his shadow, with six more weeks of winter resulting.
Eclectic: The practice of taking religious beliefs and doctrines from various other sources and incorporating them into oneís theology; one who does this is often referred to as a Clectomaniac
Excommunicate: The practice of casting out of a church those members who dare to question the authority and teachings of the leadership of a church. It matters not by what means those in authority of a church achieved authority. God let it happen and God is in charge, therefore they are God-sanctioned.
God: Generic name for the Eternal, Immortal one, who is said to have created all things in what is believed today to have begun with the "Big Bang", where all matter in the universe came into being at an instant, preceded a moment earlier by God exclaiming, "Oops."
HermenHoehmaneutics: The practice of misinterpreting scripture, followed by teaching the same
Holy Spirit: Also known as the Holy Ghost and Comforter. Spirit of God said to be the third "person" of the trinity of which Jesus stated that he and the Father were "one". The disciples were unable to fathom the concept of Jesus and the Father being one, so it was decided to further confuse the issue by introducing the Holy Spirit as a third. Jesus prayed that he and his followers be one, which now totals four... enough to get a decent card game going.
Inspiration: Claim made by most all religious leaders in order to inspire a following. The proper translation of the word more accurately means "expiration" which is what many of those claiming inspiration should practice.
Judgement: What every Christian is entitled to practice without restraintó not to be confused with Final Judgement, where those who practiced judgement find themselves condemned for some vague reason
Minister: An individual who believes he has a franchise from God to market religion for profit
Ministry: The elite of a church that exist to guide the lay members into properly providing for their needs. This is accomplished by constantly preaching to the laic the importance of financing the preaching of the gospel coupled with the teaching that if they do not finance the gospel, they will most assuredly find themselves tormented in hell for the rest of eternity for their selfish behavior.
Money: Detestable substance that corrupts otherwise good people, who are instructed to rid themselves of this symbol of the earthy, evil nature by placing it in the collection plate.
Sabbath: Day of forced rest, whether one is tired or not. It is said that God created the earth and all things in six days, and that on the seventh day he was arrested.
Sermon: Religionís answer to Nyquil. A sermonís intent is to give a message that is related to the gospel as commanded by Christ to be preached. Once in a great while this happens in some small way. There has been much debate among Christian leaders as to what the gospel is. All agree however that the gospel cannot be preached without proper funding.
Freedom: Something you'll never have in CoG
Old Covenant: An excuse not to keep the Ten Commandments
New Covenant: An excuse not to keep the Ten Commandments
Jesus Christ: A man completely ignored by the WCG at Christmas time in favor of putting up trees, decorations and trading gifts
Passover: The minister didn't get his promotion and a raise; he was passed over
Internet: A subversive place where it used to be 100% lies, but has now dropped to 99.9999999999999% now that you have your own web sites
Plagiarism: A way to get your own fresh ideas
Accountability: Forcing a fresh new eager church attendee to keep the books for you; also, to send out your tapes, write articles, organize Feasts, pay your translators until you drop from exhaustion, at which point you are no longer welcome in the church
Atonement: A Holyday of repentance whereon someone fasts; also, shedding of innocent blood of a whistleblower who points out that a CoG has willy-nilly substituted laws and ordinances to follow the precepts of men
US Minister: A Republican dog owner
Dissident: A person who is disfellowshipped for telling the truth about what goes in the CoG; also, a person who has a cat
Cat: A rather independent creature never mentioned in the Bible thought to be a 'familiar' to a witch by ignorant peasants in the Dark Ages; today cats are thought to be a 'familiar' to a witch as defined by rebellious church attendees, suspected of being liberal enough to be 'demoncrats' by US Ministers because they can't stand anybody who thinks for themselves and want instant submissive obedience in which their ignorant peasants ask "how high?" on the way up when they are told to "jump"; also, a creature which is demanding and narcissistic and can only be 'owned' by people who are abuse tolerant--properties not unlike that of pastards
Repentance: Changing your life because you are just so miserable about being a sinner by committing all those sins for all those years and singing Psalm 51 over and over while missing the fact that your minister has been committing far worse sins--and some of them should land him in prison--but sits in judgment over you to spy on you and correct you for the smallest infractions as a true Pharisee should
Revelation: Finding out that your minister is under indictment; also, finding the military medical record of your cultmeister showing that he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia
Infidel: Anyone who attends a different denomination of spit-off
Lake of Fire: A place for infidels; also, Ooooh, pretty!
Respect: What a pastard expects even though he's committing crimes and what a sheople will never get
Leader: A false prophet who goes out on his own, sets up his own church, bankrupts it and then bans people peddling The Journal from joining his Sardis Church that has a name that it is Living but is dead
GTA: Grand Theft Auto; also, Grandiose Thinking Adulterer
British Israelism: The absolutely stupid proposition that you can overlay a map of Britain with a map of Israel--it won't fit! It can't be done!!!
Trumpets: An abbreviated name for the Feast of Trumpets; This is to be the day Christ returns in His Second Coming, even though no one knows the day or the hour; also, the Feast of Trumpets picturing the return of Christ, a time of year before which many evangelists and prominent CoG luminaries died, picturing that they did not make it to the Kingdom of God [Joseph Tkach, Senior, Gerald Waterhouse and GTA did not make it to the Feast of Trumpets when they died]
Ambassador: A person who represents his country, residing in another country; it is said that CoG members and ministers are Ambassadors for the Kingdom of God; Ambassador College was said to be God's College except in the Seventies when it was Satan's College according to Herbert Armstrong; The young Ambassadors were Ambassador College Students representing the best image possible for the WCG; pictured is Klingon Ambassador Gorkon with Roy Holladay who has been quoted as saying, "I see we have a long way to go" and given the current state of the UCG, most people couldn't agree more
Tithing: Providing the income for the savior spreading the gospel of global warming so he can build his house on the ocean beach
Excess Second Tithe: The amount you have left over after the Feast to be given to the ministry before the Feast so supposedly people who couldn't keep the Feast can keep the Feast on the extra money you have left over before you've spent any of it, but wouldn't have spent if you did spend it
Night to be much observed: The night the Israelites left Egypt; also, the Passover because everybody got confused because The Lord's Supper was the night before; also, you shouldn't drink too much because this is the Night to be much observed by the State Patrol
Membership: The 100 people or so who are tithing so the leader can build his house on the ocean beach
Growth: Gaining two members during the year to replace the 20 who have left
Chaos Theory: The methodology by which budgeting was done in the Seventies by the WCG
Advanced Chaos Theory: The methodology which is currently used by the WCG to manage the business
Computer Science: Using the WCG IBM computer to ascertain who was paying tithes
Compendium of World History: A work of abject fiction finagled into place by Dr. Hooey
Dr. Hooey: A deceased evangelist who convinced the Roly-Poly Apostle that he was an apostle, then went on to write the Compendium of World History and ghost write just about everything else
Organized Religion: In reference to CoG, there have been train wrecks that are more organized
Religious: An obsessive nut
Spiritual: Believes in 'the god within' but otherwise doesn't go to church, doesn't follow any standards and is nowhere as moral, ethical and legal as they think they are
Love: Obsessive cold, calculating cruelty
Marriage: A union between two adult people... uh, of the opposite sex; at one time, marriage was sacrosanct in the CoG and nobody could get out of it ever for all eternity, even though Jesus clearly said in Scripture, that the Pharisees erred and did not know that those in the Kingdom of God would be as angels and would neither marry nor be given in marriage, a fact that Dennis Luker seems to have missed some how; also, what Christ will engage in when he returns to this earth and everyone who marries him will have had to have died first to be released from their spouses, otherwise they would be committing adultery; guys will have to get used to being a wife
Divorce: The dissolution of marriage, usually accompanied by a lot of pain, frustration, anger with unhappy confused children, a bitter ex-wife and a former husband who has been screwed and not in a good way by alimony and child support; first divorce was done legally in the WCG by Herbert Armstrong who had to pay Ramona $5 million in alimony out of tithe money plus legal expenses; up to that point, no one could get a divorce unless they were happily married to another person before they came into the church and that person had been married before, at which point they had to get one and have unhappy confused children, a bitter ex-wife and a former husband all in the name of religion; also, an act that Jesus performed against Israel, since he was just dying to get out of the relationship
Homosexual: A person who wants a sexual relationship with another person of the same sex; In CoG, a person who who is single and lonely, wanting desperately to be with a same sex partner and wanting it some how to work out and still be in the Kingdom of God; also, a married deacon in United with a wife and three children who "owns his homosexuality each day" and expects to carry it with him to the day he dies and has started Anchor Magazine to help himself and others of his own persuasion copying material from Extra Biblical Sources and promoting homosexual support groups along with Dennis Luker who has coerced Elders to accompany him to Exit International meetings; it should be noted that a Homosexual has no future because in the Kingdom of God, everyone will be married to Christ, which sort of solves the problem for the guys
Occult: Belief in magical, mystical things attended by retentive ritualistic religion led by a former Mason obsessed with and promoting Satan and the demons by claiming they will eventually be saved
Decision making: Swift, decisive passive-aggressive
This is your LAST ISSUE: A broken promise by a cult to stop sending you their stupid magazine for which they pay $3 million a year to publish; also, promises, promises!
Free Subscription: Cult magazine sent to you which is totally *negative* which you never read because it makes you sick, leading to 'This is your LAST ISSUE!' which keeps coming after that and you have to throw it out
Extra Biblical: Outside Scriptural reference--source of Church of God teachings; also, it isn't just Biblical, it's Extra Biblical!
Servant Leadership: Where an abject nobody founds a religion and becomes an absolute cultic dictator
Super Deacon: A man who can prove his humility and give three examples
Hell: Any Church of God; also, since Satan rules the earth and we are all stuck here, and particularly after 9/11/2001, it is earth itself
Devil: A great powerful evil invisible adversary bent on the destruction of humanity and all around bad dude; also, a CoG cult leader--of another CoG, of course, usually not so invisible and usually having lots of lard around the middle
Gates of Hell: The perfect impenetrable barrier against which the CoG can never prevail, and the irony is, they just stand there waiting to be breached and the CoG never gets near them to knock them down
Photo Op: Having a check for $100,000 and waving it in front of a famous world leader after you jet-set it in your private Gulfstream, giving them Steuben Crystal, but just before you take them to a fabulously expensive dinner, racking up $24,000 in one night on Dom Perrion and caviar, among other things [is that shellfish over there? It looks like it! Can I have a taste? Ooooh! Your eight Japanese Sons you are threatening to leave us for seem so very happy! They're just like family, just like we once thought we were! Better look out! They might just go for a better deal like what you're trying to do!]
Third Tithe Year Blessing: What!?! You didn't get anything extra?! You think it's just only about spiritual blessings because you are financially strapped? What you didn't know is that money you sent in to go to the widows, orphans, fatherless and stranger really went out the back as expended jet fuel for the Photo Op; how can you expect God to bless you for that, when the money never went to the widows, orphans, fatherless and stranger?
We are Family: Wanna bet? Maybe like the Mafia; you'd be better off not to ask for a loan
Effective Advertising: The world is coming to an end in 30 minutes, or, if not 30 minutes, next Monday; the world is going to hell in a handbasket and we sell handbaskets
Nazi: A minister who comes to your place looking for white sugar and white flour
Jew: Contraction for 'could you' as in "'Jew get that off the shelf for me, thanks?!"
Converted: Going from being somewhat moral, ethical, sane and stable to something else because of a CoG
Aberrations: The state which is the only adequate explanation for that which you see in the CoGs
Shocking truth about 'queer men': An article about leadership, by an evangelist who isn't much of a leader and victimizes people in the name of religion, which praises and quotes J. Edgar Hoover while unknowingly objecting to everything he stood for behind the scenes as 'Lois'
Prayer: Repetitious mumbling to oneself to influence the outcome of events; after daily devotionals it is often found that absolutely sure things you asked for don't happen and things which you didn't want and could never come true do and 50% of the prayers turn out other than what you asked; also, a sure way to get an answer from God, and usually the answer is 'no'
Good Attitude: A property possessed by likeable people who let you know that they never meant to do anything wrong and have no intentions to do it again, but do anyway the minute your back is turned, but you feel good because they told you what you wanted to hear
Ministerial Potential: The property of a man to become a triumph of image over substance, able to be an utter scoundrel but transforming himself into an angel of light on demand
True Believer: A delusional person who accurately recounts to you exactly, explicitly and factually the delusions he has
Hope: The motivating delusion that things in the CoG will get better some day
Charity: The CoG is registered with the IRS and you can deduct your contributions on your Income Tax Return; Yoo Hoo!
Suspicion: What you better have before the next coworker letter
Post Millennial: Letters sent after the Year 2000
Lipstick: Lard stick
Smart: Anyone a pastard perceives to have a lot of money
Expert: A pastard in a CoG who does a small amount of research, usually by reading book covers, who then has such expertise and skill that he can advise people in any field of that research, far surpassing highly educated, trained, skilled and experienced professionals; the pastard then goes and writes up his research and maybe even gives a series of sermons--far surpassing his knowledge and understanding of the topic--and is respected and admired for his exposition on a topic of which he knows really nothing at all; also, a pastard who tells other people how to solve their problems when he doesn't have a clue as to solve his own and in some cases, does not even realize he has a serious debilitating problem; --see Bumbling Hypocritical Incompetent Dangerous Fool
Advice: Something you never give away for free--become a consultant and sell it; since fools only listen to what they want to hear, there is a ready made market in the CoG, if only you can afford to completely compromise yourself to tell pastards and Unrepentant leadership attractive lies; the best advice is to lie, coverup the lie, coverup the coverup and make the whole thing undiscussible
Euphemism: A word or phrase used to substitute for another word or phrase in order to provide mitigation for a more sensitive social context with a less opprobrious term: "Lord, help us stamp out those darned euphemisms"
Swearing: Taking an oath; prohibited by some CoGs in favor of #@$%!^&* Euphemisms, although we can't be $*#&@%^! sure; and in court, only affirm; also, what pastards do when they are exposed for what they are, like in this lexicon; also, what Joseph Tkach, Senior was known for when he used language that would make a sailor blush, especially on that night before the Rose Parade when the two AC employees were going up and down in... what?! you've never heard the story?
Rose Parade: See, now, two [former] AC employees thought they'd get a good seat before the crowds so they took this mechanical bucket that they could raise and lower and it it went rrrrrrr rrrrrrr rrrrrr and made a lot of noise as they raised and lowered it; their wives made picnic lunches and they had a little too much champagne, but not the real good stuff like Herbert Armstrong used, like Dom Perrignon; it was New Year's Eve, you see, and they were having fun just outside Tkach's house and making a bunch of noise--so much noise that the neighbors called the police--and the squad cars came up with their flashing blue lights and sirens on; Tkach comes out in a robe and with Ellen Escat [see Escatology] Swearing and using sailor's language; it ended badly for the two employees and we know the story because the man who replaced them told it after they were fired; boy, we can sure pick our $#$^@*! religious leaders, can't we?!
CYA: Cover Your Act; hey, when the ship hits the sand, you have to cover your act or you ain't worth spit; also, another euphemism to keep from using opprobrious terms, thus you CYA
Evangelism: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. No, no, no. As tempting as it is, we aren't going to define it. Why should we. We know what it is, but after eight years, United still isn't sure what it is and whatever it is, they aren't doing it very well. Why do their work for them, they'll just take the credit for it. Besides, even if we told them, they wouldn't believe us. Heck, they wouldn't believe somebody who came back from the dead to tell them what it is, even though Guy Swenson and Bill Jacobs tried... unsuccessfully... and paid the price for it.
Buddy Chemistry: Some pastards are closer to their sheople than you may think, especially male sheople, particularly teenage male sheople, giving new meaning to visiting the fatherless
MOA: Mostly Objectionable Aberrations; Better known as Mystery of the Ages [where'd the "t" go? Shouldn't it be MOTA, sort of like the abbreviation of a governmental agency?], MOA is more the misery of the aged, where a blind false prophet apostle reflects on his own mortality, striving for repentance in a near miss, coming off as sad and pathetic and not nearly as focused as he was in all his previous works where the end of the world was just around the corner
Missing Dimension in Sex: Who knows how many chapters, maybe ten, where we waste our time on God's plan of salvation and other irrelevant stuff before we get to the good stuff which lasts a short while and then just... fades and goes limp--could have used a good dose of Sildenafil, but even that doesn't always work, especially for writing such as this [and that graph about morality--what are the 'x' and 'y' coordinates supposed to measure? The good news is that at least it went up!]
Grace: The time period you have between committing a heinous sin and repenting of it, as in, "Grace Period"; also, unmitigated pardon where you forgive yourself; also, what you say before dinner in hopes that God will take out all the poison you've put into the food
Liars, thieves and whores: Unrepentant leadership
Unrepentant leadership: Liars, thieves and whores
Brethren: Mutual victims of a cult who are esteemed of more value than blood relatives and for whom each would die for the other if need be, the same ones whom, at the Insinuendo of the Pastard, will consider you a Dissident to be avoided; while at the same time they are working with and going out to eat with homosexuals, liars and thieves
Prosperity: Result of keeping God's Law of Tithing: Members tithe and ministers live in prosperity
Materialism: The essential core religious value of the CoG, evidenced not in a mere belief, but practiced by acquiring gold, silver, crystal, expensive paintings, homes, expensive clothing--all to show that God loves quality and loves His Own by giving them access to an opulent life-style that exceeds the imagination of Solomon or Croesus for that matter; the poor are deemed to be unrighteous but a necessity to be tolerated; the end justifies the means and the end is getting riches by any means and showing it off; all luxury items are deemed to be necessary for the preaching the gospel and doing the work as an example to the ungodly; also, the property of CoG Generation-Y young adults who text message their rating of the sermon before the minister finishes to their friends all over the world and then play video games for the rest of the sermon on their portable color game box, on their laptop PC or on their cell phone
Hollowcost: The incredibly devastating price in blood money tithes from relatively poor sheople provided to do God's Work ending up buying empty meaningless trinkets of gold, silver, crystal, expensive paintings, homes, expensive clothing for the personal use of Herbert Armstrong and his successors
God's Work: Work that God should do and only God can do, but used by selfish evil narcissists to get you to do their work for them to live off of you as parasites
House of God: Where judgment is supposed to begin, but an unrepentant leadership insists that the United States and Britain will be punished and fall first because they are Israel and God is upset with them, but the CoG is just fine and will be able to watch from the comfort of their Place of Safety while the Abomination of Desolation takes place, when, in fact, if God is interested in the CoG at all, they are all in *BIG* trouble!
Place of Safety: A place you'll want to be, as far from the House of God as you can possibly get, when God finally decides to execute judgment against the House of God, deconstructing CoGs, destroying the wealth of the Hollowcost, punishing pastards and removing them; there may become a time when God is really ticked and will ignore the United States and Britain in favor of punishing those who really know better but did not change from being immoral, unethical and illegal and they will not be able to find any place that is safe from God's Wrath; YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
God's Wrath: Oh, boy! Are you pastards ever gonna get it!
Peace: What the sheople will finally have after the unrepentant leadership, wolfasps, pastards suffer God's Wrath and are replaced by shepherds who actually care
Smug: Attribute of the unrepentant leadership, wolfasps and pastards who know and believe deep in their mind that they are special and will never suffer God's Wrath even though they are unethical, immoral and illegal
Condescension: Unrepentant deceivers lowering themselves enough to smell what they believe is the stench of their sheople; they've been in the cesspool for so long that they don't recognize that what they find so repugnant is the innocent cleanliness of those they shear, kill and eat; it's gonna take a fire hose to get these jerks clean, but they are the ones who feel superior
Worthless: Anybody striving to be somebody in the Churches of God
Greed: The avarice needed as personalized incentive to propel you to succeed to be somebody in the Churches of God
Guilty Conscience: If you are a pastard and you are asking yourself, "Could this be talking about me?", the answer is yes and it is high time for some soul searching, but, unfortunately there's going to be no place for you to hide; like you've ever had a conscience, even a guilty one
Kingdom of God: A godlett ruled future environment of materialism and rituals devoid of justice, judgment, equity, morals or ethics in an agrarian based society populated by dirt poor menial slave farmers and their families scrabbling to make a living working 18 hour days except for the Sabbaths, New Moons and Holydays during which they are expected to stand for hours at a time listening to the priests reciting the Law and watch while the sacrifices are carried out, but at least they will have world peace; also: --see Hell
Leadership: Dictatorship by materialistic victimizing pastards who look forward to the Kingdom of God
Faith: Substance of things not seen and hoped for in sheople striving to enter in to the Kingdom of God, led by their pastards
Second Chance: Opportunity to do something right the next time: There's never time to do it right, only to do it over; also, what the ministers expect, but never give their congregation; unfortunately, the ministry has gone way past seven times seventy
Persecution: Attacks by Satan for committing crimes
Satan: A good guy by comparison:
Whore: Pastard on salary [it's surprising how easily they can change their doctrinal views for a little money, some have been through three Churches of God already]
Route of Bitterness: The path taken by a lambykins sheople, a migration from humble submissive respectful instantaneous obedient respect for wolfasps to the realization that pastards have been fleecing them out of rightful respect, cheating them for their own personal gain without one shred of humanity and that their ministers are useless, self-centered, narcissistic hireling black holes devoid of humanity, choosing instead to be filled with incompetent avarice, the realization of which leaves the sheople in complete cognitive dissonance with shattered disillusionment, wondering who and what they are and looking for comfort, validation and recovery
Polluted Priesthood: That this lexicon has any meaning and strikes a recognition is an indictment and indication of what a rotten deplorable condition into which the Churches of God have fallen; Ezra and Nehemiah would be appalled and would be casting the ministers out of the Churches of God right and left; who knows what the Maccabeean Brothers would have done, but it seems clear they wouldn't stop at stoning; it appears that Jesus Christ has disowned them and the Apostle Paul would be rending his clothes and wearing sackcloth and ashes; these come not out even by fasting and prayer [we know, we've tried]; now is a good time to repent, but the polluted priesthood are blind guides unable to see how immoral, unethical and illegal they have become, violating the laws of physics, chemistry, biology and man; the reason is that the tree is rotten and the fruit is toxic: They come from the roots of evil and their father is the Devil; they are full of lies and deceptions, but have transformed themselves into the ministers of light; they are empty, devoid of spiritual knowledge--nothing more than highly trained skilled corporate executives who are not converted because they have never been granted repentance; nevertheless, they know and will be judged, hopefully harshly in the same manner they have judged us; they are without excuse; we hereby disfellowship them all to give them over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh that their spirit may be saved
Validation: What!?!!??! Isn't this enough for you?
Missing Dimension: A futile attempt to bring sanity to the CoG because the unrepentant leadership pastards view it as mostly harmless and continue to victimize their sheople; also, a web site pretty much dedicated to Covering developments & advocating accountability in the Worldwide Church of God and related groups without a prayer of success; also, yet another form of entertainment in the CoG
Truth: Alas, the term is undefined and none of us are sure that we'd know it when we see it any more
If what had been done here can be construed as inspired.
Also visit http://www.cultabuse.com
Ambassador Watch: www.ambassadorwatch.co.nz
Last Updated: Monday, January 17, 2005