(For the record, AW regards British Israelism in any form as irredeemably fallacious, totally discredited, and intellectually indefensible.)

Welcome to the 2004 Church of God Olympics!

Race Healing

The 2004 Church of God Olympics is being held in the Beautiful Frostbite Falls Auditorium
in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota

And now, the exciting details of the Race Healing event:

Hello there, it’s Marc Waco again from Church Prime.

A lot of exciting things have been happening lately, sooo, we want to keep you up to date.

First of all, I want to make it clear that we fully support race healing. In fact, we had a whole day of race healing this past weekend and I have to tell you, it was the most impressive thing I’ve seen in a long time.

Ted Erickson got up there and talked for three hours about race healing. Ted even used a few scriptures for good measure. Ted always was the one with the flair for Scriptures. Course, Jeffey Thompson got up there for a couple hours and threw in a few good Scriptures. Jeffey’s the scholarly type, anyway, and we all got what we sort of expected from him. I got up for an hour or so and talked about Race Healing and everybody seemed impressed. There was that negro fella that got up and talked for 45 minutes, and he seemed pretty steamed that he didn’t get longer to talk.

 Anyway, when we got to the main event, the Race Healing, there was a lot of good feelings, and praising the Lord. And since we’re pretty liberal around here in Dacron, Ohio, it was pretty much any Lord anybody wanted to praise. Anyway, there were a lot of excited folks about the Race Healing. You could really hear the "Praise the Lords," and "Hallelullias," and "Way to go!" Everybody was really excited.

Just so's you're not confused, we held the race healing in the Beautiful Frostbite Falls Auditorium in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, not in our compound in Dacron, Ohio.

 Of course, not everybody ended up happy, but we fed everybody and it was OK. I am mystified how people can be so selfish. We should all feel good when someone fights the good fight, runs to the finish line, strives for the mastery and all that. It’s the striving that’s the thing. But there are winners, and there are losers, and some people would rather be a good winner than any kind of loser.

 Sooo, back to the Race Healing. Everybody had a good time, especially during the healing, but the race part was good too. You should have seen all those people on crutches, in wheelchairs, some on gurneys, all going as fast as they could for the finish line. And to the winners was the prize: Healing. We had myself, Jeffey, and Ted laying hands on the winners, anointing them with oil, and praying over them. Just to be sure, we checked the winners a couple of weeks later to see if they had made any progress, and the ones who hadn’t—and I’m sorry to say, that was pretty much the majority—we had enough money for the event to send them to the health clinic of their choice to see a real doctor.

 There were some impressive winners. Some of those suckers could really scoot along the race track. One old coot won first prize. About a hundred of them were winners, and we hope they all get well real soon now. Some of them didn’t make the finish line, and we certainly feel empathy for them, but we have to go where the spirit moves us, but sometimes you just can’t win. That’s the way it is with Race Healing.

 You know, brethren, it just mystifies me how some people cling to odd ideas like British Israelism. Here’s a doctrine which just plain sucks. It doesn’t make any sense at all. We’ve never, ever, ever, ever, taught British Israelism, even when we were under the old ways of the harsher church times. YOU out there can believe it if you want, but don’t bring it to church with you. I know you’ve brought the maps. I’ve seen you secretly showing one another, but this must STOP NOW! We can’t have this. Jeffey disproved British Israelism long ago with his article, "British Israelism, and how mad cows make crop circles." You need to go back and look at the article. It has PROOF that you can’t possibly, in any way, shape, or form, take the area ascribed to Great Britain and overlay it on to modern Israel! It can’t be done! Even if you removed Ireland, and believe you me, a lot of people would like to remove Ireland, you can’t make it fit. Now you can sort of fit South America and Africa together with a little cut and paste, without much cheating, but you CAN NOT—and note what I say carefully—CAN NOT fit any of the British Isles comfortably into Israel. Can’t be done! End of Story! You can’t even make Israel fit into Great Britain! Try it: I offer anybody who can do this $10,000. I’ve had this challenge out there for years, and NO ONE HAS EVER CLAIMED THE MONEY! Course, no body ever found the guys again who tried to claim the money. We have connections.

 Now am I embarrassed! Ho, boy! Remember the last letter where I said the "Rubble Telescope"? Well, I don’t know how that slipped by the Editor, and Jeffey was out of town, but it’s really the "Hubble Telescope." What can I say, these things just happen. Sorry, if it distracted you.

Now I know MOST of you are faithful and loyal, but there’s been some grumbling about how SOME of us live in poverty and the rest of us are prosperous. It all has to do with the Half Blessing program. We here at Church Prime are living in great prosperity, and that is obviously a special Blessing from God. With the Half Blessing program, you, out there, send one half of your income. Now 50% seems like a lot, but it’s mostly tax deductible. Well, with all the fussing, we realized that some of you might actually have a point. So Jeffey and Ted went through our teachings very carefully and came up with a solution which you should all really be able to relate to. We are modifying the doctrine, because we know how hard you all work, and how much some governments who will remain nameless here, but you know who they are, take from your pay check, especially if you are a wage slave. What we have decided is, and we have the keys to the Kingdom, because Christ gave them to Peter, and Peter was robbed of the key to pay Paul, and Paul passed them to us, that with the Half Blessing program, you will be just as blessed if you pay on the NET income.

 Now some of you are going to wonder immediately what NET income is, as opposed to GROSS income. I am completely mystified how any of you can miss the distinction. GROSS income is, well, your gross income before any deductions at all. The NET income is your true increase! It’s that simple. You send us half of your true increase! Now, you say, "What is our true increase?" That’s a good question. You have to figure out for yourselves what benefit you get from your pay check. That’s what you pay 50% on. Obviously, you must exclude Social Security, because that’s just like a rat hole, and NONE of us are ever going to get that, which is why, as ministers here we don’t pay it. But the Income Tax yields all of us such rich benefits: The roads we use, the bridges of Madison County (Real near here, in fact), Public Television, Air Traffic Controllers, the FBI, the CIA, NSA and lots of other goodies. If you don’t think that our government provides for the common good, especially National Defense, then you need to study up on the cold war! So there it is! That’s how to determine what your NET income is to determine how much you pay for the Half Blessing program.

I hope all of you can understand all the spiritual blessings of understanding we give you here! I’ll quote Christ here, "Don’t cast your squirrels before kine, lest they turn and rend you." Which means that you should keep those rodents away from mad cows, AND you shouldn’t give those mammals of wisdom to people who can’t understand the beauty of our doctrines of feeling good.

Well that about wraps it up for this time.

With the love in the good feelings of Jesus,

Marc Waco
Director General, New Coven Church of Christ

Special Notice:

Late breaking News:

There were no winners in the Demon Casting Contest, since none of the participants could cast out any demons.

Better luck next time in four years, guys!

Faith Contest: All the contestants had to do was show a little faith to move 500 pounds--a quarter ton--of a mound of dirt 100 yards; no winners there--the mound never budged an inch.

'That' Prophet of God Contest: Only criteria here was to make a prediction and have it come true; a few near misses, but no winners. Insisting that your prophet's prophecies came true in spite of objective evidence to the contrary did not influence the judges in the slightest.

Calling down fire from heaven Contest: It was truly unfortunate that the afternoon barbeque was late and so many people were starving before a very late dinner way after End of Nautical Twilight. Full slabs of beef were 'heaved' on the altars and soaked with 5,000 gallons of water from fire hoses. Unfortunately, the contestants from the Faith Contest fared no better in this contest and we were embarrassed to have to take the beef off the altars and cook it the regular way in our electric and gas barbeques. Sorry about the late dinner folks.

Name Calling Contest: Lots of winners here in this contest. Bronze went to the ones declaring their competitors, "Thieves"; Silver went to those who called the competition, 'Liars'; and gold went to the champion declaring all the ministers, 'Whores'. Congratulations are in order for the big winners. Even bigger congratulations are in order for the big whiners.

Tempting God Contest: All were winners in this category; some of the best managed to preach heresy and blasphemy in one appealing package. Great going guys!

Repentance Contest: There were a few that really excelled in this Contest who repented in abject humility in sackcloth and ashes before their Lord seeking forgiveness for their sins and asking forgiveness for the nations in which they live. Unfortunately, none of those who really repented were entrants in the 2004 Church of God Olympics. Only the unrepentant leadership was in the running and they all failed to truly repent.

Ignoring the needs of your congregation contest: Every member of Team CoG won this contest. This year's top winner was no surprise at all, particularly after the incidents of improper touching, breaking covenants concerning local church boards, stalking, disfellowshipping victims and failure to determine what evangelism is. The tide was turned in the competition with such innovation was employed when simply obeying God could have sufficed. Congratulations on a job well done remaining recalcitrant to the end in the face of great criticism. It looks like we could have an early entrant already for the new 2008 Church of God Olympics Competition, 'Remaining in the Church Corporate Business in spite of Ignoring the needs of your congregation Contest'.

Gay hypocrisy contest: Yes, they prophesy that the United States and the United Kingdom will be punished shortly because they allow gay people in their midst, and they proclaim it loudly and prominently in their flagship magazine and their prophecy publication! Gay marriages will be the ruin of us! Yet at the same time, a married gay deacon with three children continues to struggle with homosexuality in this church and claims he 'owns' his homosexuality and lives with it every day. They've established a magazine publication dedicated to helping gay men not be so very gay. A minister involved with the 'adult education focus program' encouraged a gay man to write about his loneliness and alienation in The Journal. The judges awarded the top prize of the Gold Medal to this CoG because they were completely confused about what the church actually teaches about gay people. The winner will not be announced because the Church is still in the closet about the matter and the judges did not want to 'out' it at this time. There might be hope that gay weddings may be in the Church's future. We'll keep you apprised.

Church of God Republican Party Contest: Christ said, "My kingdom is not of this world", but you'd never know it by how the ministers and the leadership of the Churches of God conduct themselves in the light of politics, particularly United States politics. No, the membership can't vote. No, the membership can't participate in jury duty. And no, the membership can't join the Armed Forces and must be conscientious objectors, should the draft be reinstituted. But the Republican Party has the support of the ministry of the Churches of God! The Democrats are often demonized by calling them Demoncrats. You'd think that some of the ministers are the Chairman of the Committee to re-elect the President! The ministers aren't a member of any political party, but if they were, they'd be Republicans! And who won the award? The judges couldn't decide.

Postponements or not contest: The Gold Medal was taken hands down by Gary Fakhoury with his entry, "Should We Allow Calendars to Divide God's People?".  The judges were really swayed to give the award with the reasoning that postponements should be kept to keep God's People together because it does not matter what days you keep for the Holydays because the Holydays are not Holy! The judges were unimpressed and not swayed by the reasoning however, and have concluded that Postponements are purely man made. Nevertheless, they were able to ascertain the winner purely by superior form in declaring utter nonsense as seemingly reasonable fact. Great going Gary!

Misunderstanding suicide contest: Over 90% of all suicides are the result of mental illness or substance abuse according to the US National Institute of Mental Health. Untreated Bipolar Disease will result in suicide for 20% to 25% of those those so afflicted. Mentally ill people need to get help from Mental Health Professionals, not from articles about non-acceptance or from mentally ill ministers who advocate 'happy happy'. Judges were impressed by the inability of the contestants to present facts from reputable sources about the real causes of suicides and that the contestants managed to peddle their own ideas in face of overwhelming facts to the contrary. The winners in this contest are losers who will make those with mental illness losers if they follow the advice of the contest winners. If you have mental illness, get help now.

Sheople Stealing Contest: One CoG has been excelling in this contest over the past year. Congratulations in gaining a greater membership through using prophecies that give people hope, but will never come true, and have already failed several times. No gold medal was awarded, since giving the winner more gold would be superfluous.

Humility Contest: Lots of claimants for this contest. Everyone was disqualified because they attempted to prove their humility. One even gave three examples. We could name names, but that would ruin everything.

Law and Order Award: Your little group is in trouble and when we say Trouble, it's because you are facing indictment. Your little cult was a model of mind control until the day that imperfection wast found in thou by the State, County and Federal officials. Murders? Child Abuse? Terrorism? Illegal drugs? Illegal weapons? We hardly know where to begin. Nevertheless, the judges will award you--with a sentence as determined by a jury of your peers--if you haven't committed suicide and murdered off your little group first.

Folksy Award: There may not be much in the way of doctrines on your website, but, darn it all, there are pictures of you and all the members of your congregation! Individual pictures. Group pictures. Activity pictures. Youth and senior pictures. Pictures of your picnics and barbeques. For those with just dial-up, downloads take forever! But it's nice to see such friendly folk and it's clear that everyone is welcome.  Especially people who are, shall we say, ample. It could be the before picture of Weight Watchers. Nice friendly folks who love eating together as much as they like eating alone! But we're curious, since we have to divide the award: Now, why is it that your little group just split?

The Aloof Award: Nothing says 'holier than thou' than claiming to be the only ones who have the truth. Nothing that is, except being so exclusive that no one knows who you are, what your doctrines are, and has a clue to what you stand for and what you are doing. Your Feasts are kept in secret and if you have Sabbath Services it's a wonder anyone would attend because no one knows if, where and when they are. Do you keep new moons and postponements? It hardly matters because it's a secret. Sure, you have a website SOMEWHERE, but navigation is next to impossible. It may have been set up by the good god-fearing Amish folk of the Eighteen Hundreds, who knows? And pretty much every member you have came from other Churches of God, which you are quick to point out, are in abject error in just everything. You don't advertise in The Journal and we suspect that it's not just your paranoia: We think you are downright cheap. It's definitely a one man show, but we don't know that much about him or you. We suspect though, as your prophecies fail and reality sets in, that practice doesn't match your belief system, that you too will go mainstream. But until that day, your secret is safe. Yes, you were winners of this contest, but you're not getting any awards because the judges couldn't find you.

Refusal to obey God Contest: In this unique contest, congregations were exposed to the fact that their ministers were lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God, having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof. Yet in spite of the fact that congregations acknowledged that their ministers had these traits, and likely were never converted at all, they stubbornly refused the simple command from Scripture, "From such turn away". The judges finally determined that the congregations that did not obey the Apostle Paul's instructions in II Timothy 3 were not winners at all and no prizes were awarded, since they already have what they deserve.

Note: If you want to hear Olympic Theme Midi, click below:

2004 Church of God Olympics

Looking forward to 2008 or the Second Coming, which ever comes first.

Also visit http://www.cultabuse.com

Ambassador Watch: www.ambassadorwatch.co.nz

Last Updated: Monday, January 17, 2005