THE GRAVEYARD CHURCH OF GOD

DEAD LETTER DEPARTMENT:
SUBMISSION ARCHIVES
April/May/June 1999

June 19, 1999

Dear Herb,


I know you don't get to see much hockey where you're at since it's too hot to have ice, but could you help me understand why the Red Wings did not win the Stanley Cup this year?

Thanks,
Ron Brendel

Dear Ron,

The PLAIN TRUTH is that SATAN is currently in charge of this SICK WORLD and he plays for Buffalo.

Thanks for your SUBMISSION,

Herbert


June 3, 1999

Dear Sir:

I'm so glad to see that you're "ALIVE" again and preaching THE TRUTH.  A lot has happened since you left us.  Your ONE TRUE CHURCH has split into many smaller churches, and there are by some estimates, 40,000 former members who are not attending anywhere.  I know you comprehend the SERIOUSNESS of this? These thousands of people, who were obviously NOT REALLY CALLED, are now heading FULL SPEED into the LAKE of FIRE.   It's as if these SPIRITUAL TURDS of human waste in the body of the church were FINALLY EXPELLED with GREAT POWER!

These lost people need to WAKE UP!  Many of these people are second generation members who grew up in the ONE TRUE CHURCH! Oh how I wish that more members practiced the WAY OF GIVE instead of the WAY OF GET over the years.  Then the ONE TRUE CHURCH could have afforded to send every sanctified child of the membership to Imperial Schools, the ONE TRUE SCHOOL!  We could have BEAT this Satanic REBELLION out of these little monsters before it got OUT OF CONTROL!

I know you are fully aware of these, but let me give the other visitors to the ONE TRUE WEBSITE some examples of the effective tactics used at Imperial Schools to control this rebellious nature in its early stages.  Our PRECIOUS children were SPANKED for things as minor as not wearing a belt on their pants, not having their shirt tucked in, and - GASP - not having their SHOES TIED!  We all know that untied shoes are a metaphor for the REBELLION OF SATAN!  IMAGINE BRETHREN!  What kind of rebellious adults would we have created if we allowed such behavior to go unchecked?  The ONE TRUE CHURCH refused to compromise and most definitely DID NOT SPARE the "ROD" and SPOIL the child.  As SUPREME evidence of the effectiveness of Imperial Schools, just look at how many of these children still attend THE ONE TRUE CHURCH today.  The church can be proud that almost 100% of these children are still PRODUCTIVE members of the church, giving, as they are able.

Perhaps the most effective tactic at controlling rebellion and weeding out the "bad apples" at Imperial Schools was something called the "8 O'CLOCK SWAT LIST".   This tactic appeared to be the most effective on third graders.  The idea behind the list was simple: If a child got in trouble too often, then they would be added to the 8 O'CLOCK SWAT LIST.  First thing every school day, the teacher would give them a SWAT, because THEY WERE BOUND TO do something EVIL in the course of the day that the teacher might not see.  REBELLION MUST NOT GO UNPUNISHED brethren.   Just imagine how different Korah might have turned out if he was put on an 8 O'CLOCK SWAT LIST at an early age.

To underscore the effectiveness of the 8 O'CLOCK SWAT LIST, I heard a story about one of the "problem" kids that was frequently on this list.  Years later, he and his brother would sneak out on the Day of Atonement and go to McDonalds to gleefully munch down Quarter Pounders with Cheese as an act of rebellion against this TRUE LOVE shown to them by the ONE TRUE CHURCH.  Brethren, can you imagine such an act of OUTRIGHT REBELLION?  Needless to say, Imperial Schools was very effective in weeding out this EVIL REBELLIOUS WASTE from the spiritual body of the church.  Brethren, do you still doubt the WISDOM of HEADQUARTERS?  Imperial Schools was obviously INSPIRED and the ONE TRUE SCHOOL!  Don't you wish your children went there?

Keep up the good work Mr. A., and please keep CRYING ALOUD and SPARING NOT!  And please keep preaching repentance from DEAD works.

With DEEP Love,
One True Member

Dear True Member,

Finally, SOMEONE WHO GETS IT!!  You will have many graveyards in the World Tomorrow!!  You did, however miss a point of NEW TRUTH.   GOD has led me to preach repentance to DEAD works, not from DEAD works!!   This is in line with the NEW UNDERSTANDING of the calling of the living impaired.

Thanks for your SUBMISSION,

Herbert

May 25, 1999

Dear Herbert,

No, scratch the "dear"...you certainly aren't to me, in any way. Why couldn't you just stay dead? You've done enough already to last several lifetimes, believe me. I wish I could return to the days of my childhood, growing up in your church, when you inhabited my consciousness so benignly. To be perfectly honest, I always thought of you on the same level as Walt Disney and Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha's "Wild Kingdom". All three of you were men I saw on TV. All three of you were older, grandfatherly types with white hair. I thought all three of you were dead, but you just can't stay that way, can you?

You stole my childhood away before I had a chance to live it by brainwashing my parents and sucking them into your cult in 1971. Gone was any chance for a "normal" childhood as your church devoured their money, their time, their families, their ability to think for themselves. Now it's time to settle the debt you owe to me and thousands of other "church kids". This is just a fraction of what you stole from us (I will try to put it into terms that you understand):

1. In approximately 24 years of attending your church I estimate I have spent 7,254 hours driving to, attending and driving home from your weekly church services and 3,120 hours attending your sanctioned holy days.

COST = 1.18 YEARS of my life

YOU OWE ME!

2. From the time I started receiving allowance until the time I left your church I estimate I probably paid about $15,000 to you in first tithe, with an equal amount squandered in a place YOU appointed for us to go each fall. Oh yeah, and you got the excess of my second tithe, so...

COST = $30,000 YOU OWE ME!

3. I was the school outcast...never allowed to attend a class Christmas party, give Valentines to my classmates or have cupcakes on my birthday. While I can't put a monetary value on the pain, confusion and anguish of having to be the "weird religious kid" in school, I figure I missed out on...

YOU OWE ME!

4. Your ministers instructed my parents to keep us unspotted from the world by preventing us from developing relationships with friends at school. Instead I had to spend my weekends with the sex-crazed maniac "young men" in the local Y.O.U. who no doubt got themselves pretty hot perusing the pictures in your "Missing Dimension in Sex" book. I guess it was more holy to get drunk and be groped in the back seat of a car by a church boy than to develop a meaningful relationship with some young man who was my intellectual equal at school. You took away my self respect and the innocence of my youth.

YOU OWE ME!

5. I went to your stupid college which was no more than a breeding farm for future church zombies. Why else did your registrar require photographs on our applications? You arranged to have several hundred mostly attractive, hormone charged young men and women isolated in the piney woods of east Texas and repeatedly lectured about sex and how great it was but not to do it! I distinctly remember one instructor in our "Marriage & Family" class which should have been called "Sex 101" explaining to us that men had a much stronger sexual libido than women. (I'm sure that assumption was made from your own experience!) This minister did acquiese that there were a few women out there whose sexual drive could equal a man's and any guy fortunate enough to land one of these nymphomaniacs should consider himself a very lucky man indeed!  You and your church had no right to intrude in this intensely special and private aspect of our lives.

YOU OWE ME!

6. Now your church has splintered into countless little paranoid groups all over the world. It has taken me years to stop feeling the guilt and shame that was implanted into my brain before I even knew what was happening. Thanks to you I recently met a very nice man called a psychiatrist who prescribed me medication to keep this anxiety under control and I'm finally able to think for myself and make decisions logically.

YOU OWE ME!

I want to stop at six points because I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of submitting a "complete" list of seven! The effect you and your church have in my life and lives of thousands of other church kids lingers like the stench that emanates from your Steuben crystal casket.

Get back inside, close the casket and leave us all alone! AND STAY DEAD!!

VERY Sincerely,

A Proud EX-2nd generation church member

(The abuse stops here)

Dear Proud,

I take great offence at your suggestion  that Ambassador was "a breeding ground for future church zombies." First of all, it was a breeding ground for my heir apparent; the leftovers were for the future ministry. Second, zombies are the un-dead; God is clearly working only through the living-impaired today!!!  Last, you have apparently quit tithing. YOU OWE ME!!!

Thank you for your SUBMISSION,

Herbert

May 25, 1999

To all of you bitter, bitter people,

I read with horror your sarcastic and cynical remarks about Herbert W. Armstrong!  I know your problem!  You are just jealous.  Yes, JEALOUS! that he was the chosen apostle and not you.  You are another Miriam and Aaron.  WATCH OUT or your hand will become leprous as well. We all know Mr. Armstrong was sincere even when his prophecies didn't quite turn out right.  It was the church's sinful ways that kept Mussolini from triumphing over Hitler.  And Mr. Armstrong was right when he said Hitler was hiding out in South America and still alive today.  How dare you criticize his use of the tithes that he got out of us!!  He needed the best jet made to make a grand entrance to even be noticed by world leaders.  How else would he have been received?  By just his pompous nature?  That would not have been enough. You know it but you are not admitting that he was God's chosen apostle to preach the gospel that had not been preached for two thousand years.  I admit he is an apostle because he said he was and that's good enough for me.  And he wouldn't lie and make stories up or plagorize.  He was
complimenting the author of "Judah's Sceptor" by copying it as closely as possible in "United States and Britain in Prophecy".  Mr. Armstrong would never disrespect someone elses writings by copying them sloppily.   Well that's enough time to spend on you.  You are not worth my attention because we all know where you are going if you don't repent.  The LAKE OF FIRE!!!!!
Anyway, I have my own work to do.  What you don't know is Mr. Armstong actually picked me to pass on the scepter to and I am the apostle now.  So I want you to send all your tithes and offerings to me and put aside your jealousy because you are never going to be apostle.  Not as long as I live.

In Herbert's memory,
Herberta the Apostle

Dear Herberta,

You evidence a narcissistic personality disorder and extreme delusions of grandeur. As long as I am living-impaired, THERE CANNOT  BE ANOTHER APOSTLE.  You and Loma JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!

Thank you for your SUBMISSION,

Herbert

Saturday, May 22, 1999

To point out the Devil does not make you a Lord!

*Emale*

Dear EMALE,

Thank you for your SUBMISSION,

Herbert

May 22, 1999

Dearly Beloved Herbert,    

After reading your GOD INSPIRED sex manual I have to ask you if there is a GODLY way to MASTURBATE? You see after your son was filmed in such a embarassing position I need your advice on the proper mode and operation of such a art!!   Please take me seriously as I am confused on this subject. The idea that you taught your son this way out of commiting adultary would benefit the KINGDOM and it's rapid advancement, for all the world to be so rightously taught by your SAINTS and those we will be teaching as the PRIESTS of the ALMIGHTY!!!! If you could enclose a free log book for this I would appreciate that because I am poor and ravaged by the evil government that took my Master & Johnson manuals away from me!! Please hurry because I want to be in the KINGDOM of God!!

Your soon to be, blinded loyal follower.

XXX OOO

P.S. Is it true you were blind before your death?? How can I prevent such a fate as that??

 

Dear XXX,

I have taken this matter in hand repeatedly since receiving your post.   I have instructed the GYCG editorial department to begin to   prepare a SELF-SHAGADELIC LOG BOOK for use by the members to be available SOON, without cost or obligation besides the required 90% in tithes plus special grave offerings.  The new Log Book will fully instruct members GOD'S WAY, not MAN'S WAY!!!  And yes, I was blind before my death, the tragic result of seeing Ramona without makeup.

Thank you for your SUBMISSION,

Herbert

May 19th, 1999

DEAR DUMBASS

     I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO YOU TO LET YOU KNOW "HOW YOUR STUPIDITY IS REFRESHING TO ME"  AS THIS WAS ONE OF MR. ARMSTRONGS SAYINGS.  YOU HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE WCG AND ALL THE OTHER SPLIT OFF GROUPS, AND EVIDENTLY YOU HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF ALL THE OTHER CHURCHES IN THE WORLD, FOR THEY ALL ASK FOR DONATIONS AND CONTRIBUTIONS.  WE LIVE IN A MONEY BASED WORLD, AND IT TAKES MONEY TO GET ANY KIND OF GOSPEL OUT.  I'M NOT GOING TO WASTE MY TIME ON TRASH LIKE YOU IN WRITING YOU A LONG LETTER TO EXPLAIN THINGS FOR YOU EVIDENTLY DONT HAVE THE COMMON SENSE ANYWAY TO UNDERSTAND IF I TRIED.  SO IM JUST GOING TO LEAVE YOU WITH THIS HOT SHOT.  IF MR. ARMSTRONG WASNT RIGHT HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN ALL OF THE THINGS THAT HE TAUGHT THAT HAS , OR IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE (SATAN ATTACKING THE CHURCH, A UNIFIED GERMANY, THE EUROPEAN NATIONS COMING TOGETHER, RUSSIA AND CHINA UNITING AND THEM BEING AGAINST AMERICA, AND ISRAEL NOT WANTING NOTHING ELSE TO DO WITH AMERICA, ).  SOMEONE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU DISPLAY MAY THINK I HAVE SINNED WRITING YOU A LETTER SUCH AS THIS, BUT I HAVE NOT FOR I AM JUST SHOWING SOME RIGHTEOUS ANGER AS THAT OF CHRIST SHOWED WHEN HE OVERTURNED THE TABLE WHEN  THE PEOPLE SOLD IN THE TEMPLE.  YOU SIT HERE AND ACT LIKE YOU ARE MR. ARMSTRONG TALKING FROM THE GRAVE, BUT LET ME TURN YOUR EGO DOWN FOR YOU COULD NEVER EQUAL TO HALF THE MAN HE WAS.

I ENCOURAGE YOU TO REPENT!!!

I'D HATE TO BE IN YOUR SHOES ON JUDGEMENT DAY!

 

Dear Righteous Anger,

God has led you to understand his truth but not how to write EFFECTIVELY!!!  NEVER use capitals ALL the time, or else they lose their ZEAL!!! And yes, ALL CHURCHES ask for donations, but HOW MANY take VISA and MASTERCARD like the GYCG???

Thank you for your SUBMISSION,

Herbert

May 18, 1999

Dear Sirs,

I have just recently discovered your web site . I have respected the teachings of Herbert Armstrong for many years. With this web site you have shamed his memory.

Mr. Armstrong was a great man of God, although some of his teachings havebeen found to be in error ,he still unrivaled many of the bibles mysteries. I owe a lot of my understanding of God and the bible to Mr. Armstrong. lets see: images of dead corpses coming out of the grave. the phrase " sealed as tight as a 12 year old girl". Mr. Armstrong's skull screaming from the grave. Predicting prophetic dates ( jan. 16th 2001 ) the scriptures clearly state that no man knows the hour of Christ's return. by  predicting the start of the tribulation period are you not also in effect predicting the return date of Christ 7 years later?
Please try to get past the hate and resentment about the changes in the World Wide church of God. Search your bible with an open heart. Satan is not trying so much to confuse Gods church about sabbath days and religious festivals (those where only a shadow of the fullness we now have in christ) rather, satan is using YOUR hate and mistrust against the church. if we are
filled with anger toward our brothers in Christ then we surly are not loving or brother as ourselves, one of Christ's most supreme commandments to his church.


roger grove

 

Dear Roger,

My memory is as sharp as ever, Roger!  Shame on you!!!   However, your intense scrutiny of the site shows that you are being called by God for the final gun lap of this end-time work despite the fact that you Satanically quoted me out of context.

I repeat, the GYCG has NEVER set dates for the start of the tribulation, and NEVER will.  Your attempt to read dates into the booklet 2001 In Prophecy! indicates that you still have a problem with church government.  Continual fasting and tithing with a special offering to the church will help you with your bad attitude.

Thank you for your SUBMISSION,

Herbert

   

April 10, 1999

Dear Mr. Armstrong,

I read a book called Herbert Armstrong's Tangled Web by David Robinson.  Now this man claimed that you would always parade around in the nude in your hotel room hoping to catch the room service lady by surprise.  Robinson said that you were doing that one time when he came to visit you and he was startled to see that you had a really tiny little penis.

Well, I guess my question is this:  you say you were a man after God's heart because you committed adultery and incest . Well, if you really were a man after God's heart, why didn't he give better tools to work with?

Sincerely yours,

Elmer T. Cunniling

 

Dear Elmer,

The David Robinson you speak of was a liar and THE TRUTH was not in him. He peeked at my log book when he wasn't supposed to. Anyway, David is now among the living impaired himself and is sorry BEFORE THE GREAT GOD for his BITTER, WARPED book about me. He will soon be printing a retraction ON THIS VERY SITE!!

The Swedish spa people were able to work wonders on little Herbie, thanks to the faithful tithes and offerings from the members!! I have that log book to prove it!

Your accusation of my committing incest is libelous!!!! Please refer to the GYGC definition of incest and retract your statement immediately or Stan will be in touch with your lawyers...

 

Herbert 

April 8, 1999

Dear Dead Head,

I would appreciate it if you would me condemn me to the lake of fire, as you did my friend, Ed Mentel. Based on your prophetic record, it would just about guarantee my salvation. And another thing, what was the real story on that lunatic screaming he was Herbert W. Armstrong and he was going to hell? Have you been having a hell of a time since you've been gone? Just wondered. Finally, I talked to Joe the father at a hells angels convention the other night. He wanted me to let you know he's thinking about coming back from the living impaired place himself to see that all the doctrines of the Graveyard Church of God are defended to his last ...breath? He also says he's glad you're now happy with your Dick, but that he's not so happy about his little Joe. I don't guess I really asked you anything about doctrines, did I? Oh, well, you never knew anything about that subject anyhow. Rot in hell.

Yours truly, The Mighty Ruler of the People Who Dwell in the Valley in the Mountain

P.S. I hear your grave stone is the only thing hard you have left. Isn't it ironic, you f***** all of us, but now you can't f*** yourself.

 

Dear Mighty,

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT DO YOU?

Herbert

Dear Mr. PWH (Pervert W. Harmstrong)

My unconverted mate fries her bacon in the same skillet that I fry my hamburgers. Is this OK? My uncoverted mate strongly objects to me tithing (especially3rd tithe!!) How should I handle this? My unconverted mate insist on watching TV on Friday nights in bed.This interfers with my Bible reading and sleep. What should I do? My uncoverted mate sometimes (more rarely since I've joined the church) wants to have "relations" on the sabbath. Is this permissible??Anxiously awaiting your answers.

- Desperate in St. Louis.

 

Dear Desperate:

Your spouse is like that woman who claimed to be my wife with her carnal attitude and unwillingness to participate in relations. Learning to overcome strong-willed CARNAL women is not our calling at this time. Find someone powerless to relieve your tensions. Remember, you are preparing to be a HIGH PRIEST and RULER in the soon coming kingdom where everyone will be powerless before you. Keep your focus on this. Preferably, keep it in the family but sometimes that is not an option.

I found my outlet in Big Beak. This is why the bird was featured in the feast films. I found it holesome entertainment! Just thinking about Big Beak makes me want to choke that chicken.

Herbert

 

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