Discern - "a sort of guide to the ultimate guide"

The latest issue (May-June) of COGWA's virtual mag Discern is now out. Is it any more impressive than the parallel issue of Beyond Today (reviewed here)? In terms of cover art, Discern is the clunkiest. More significantly, the quality of the analysis in Discern may be indicated by editor Clyde Kilough's decision to approvingly quote Joe Kovacs' eminently stupid book Shocked by the Bible in his introductory piece. If this issue has a theme, it's bad-to-the-bone Bible prophecy.

Jeremy Lallier in the lead article assures us that God knows stuff Google doesn't.

"we created this edition of Discern to serve as a sort of guide to the ultimate guide. Because it was written thousands of years ago by a diverse group of authors who lived in a wide range of cultures spanning multiple epochs of human history, the Bible can be an intimidating book — but don’t worry; we’ve got you covered."

Well shucks Jeremy, that sure is good of you.

David Treybig advises us that "For many professing Christians today, religion is just a few-hours-a-week thing. Many are passive, even apathetic." Not the COGWA faithful of course!

Theological titan extraordinaire Jim Franks brings us up to speed with the doctrine of the Holy Spirit in just two pages and puts the Seventh-day Adventists in their place at the same time.

Does God Exist? You thought that was a deep question? C'mon, this is COGWA. Rick Avent avoids tough questions like, what do you mean by God and, in what sense do you mean "exist" as opposed to things like toast, freedom and dandelion tea? Nope, Rick goes straight for the real dope (as in dopey), "fulfilled prophecy", ta-da!. Well, as long as you're happy Rick, but it rather begs the question, don't you think?

10 Ways to Protect Your Children from Technology Traps. Sounds a mildly useful article. Becky Sweat does a reasonable job at laying out some commonsense advice, but don't expect anything you haven't thought of already.

Back to the naive nineteenth-century prophecy theme. What's a COG without a pretend expert to make silly prognostications about the near future. COGWA is lucky enough to have Neal Hogberg (Gene's son?) and he's following in the family tradition of palliative prophetic punditry. Neal has written something called "A New Battle for Britain." Yup, Neal is a know-it-all about Brexit.

"Bible prophecy shows an end-time economic and military colossus composed of 10 core nations (Revelation 17:12-15; 18:9-19) that will be of one mind (Revelation 17:13). Other prophecies show this will not include Britain."

Gene would no doubt be proud of him. Bible prophecy, of course, shows no such thing. Have any of these guys bothered to do even the most basic research on the characteristics of ancient apocalyptic literature? (Rhetorical question, we probably know the answer already.)

The popular hymn that begins "Just as I am" gets pushed into a dark alley and beaten up by Erik Jones.

It's downright amazing how these geniuses know so much about the future direction of world news. Brexit has been covered, but what about the European refugee crisis? No worries, Joel Meeker is on the case. Joel "recently drove by The Jungle outside Calais in France." Guess that makes Joel a drive-by expert. Of course, Joel has the one-page answer - how could we doubt it - and it's (surprise!) Bible prophecy.

"Bible prophecy foresees intensifying refugee problems in the years ahead, as the four horsemen of the Apocalypse ride ever harder. But there is hope. The displacement of harassed populations will finally end with the establishment of the Kingdom of God. Under God’s protection, all people will be safe and flourish in their own homes and nations."

It's an interesting solution, Joel. I guess that means that millions of Caucasians like you will be deported from North America and the land returned to the Native Americans, right? Just following the logic...

Honestly fellas, if this is "a sort of guide to the ultimate guide", I think you just got everybody, including yourselves, horribly lost.

Anyone got Google Maps?

The PDF is available to download.

(Next in this series: Tomorrow's World).

Herb's Baptist Beginnings

Interior of Hinson church, 1933

Gotta hand it to Gary and Dennis over at Banned. The latest post there features a recent photograph of Hinson Memorial Baptist Church in Portland "where HWA was baptized in 1927."

It's one of those factoids COG members tend to overlook. In the Autobiography it reads "It was probably May or June, 1927, when I was baptized. One Sunday evening we [Herb and Loma] attended a service at Hinson Memorial Baptist Church." Earlier he notes: "Next I went to a Baptist minister in Portland [John Marvin Dean], to learn why Baptists believe in baptism. He was courteous and patient, glad to explain his church's teachings. He seemed sincere, though he was later dismissed from his pastorate under accusation of some kind of disgraceful or sinful conduct." Strangely, Herb seemed reluctant to join the dots and come right out and say he had been baptized by a morally dubious Sunday-keeping Baptist. (Quotes from the 1967 edition).

And surely there's got to be some bizarre synchronicity in the mutually tarnished reputations of both Dean and Armstrong.

The Wikipedia article on Herb provides more details:

He was eventually baptized, along with his brother Dwight L. Armstrong, in the summer of 1927 by Dr. Dean, the non-Sabbatarian pastor of Hinson Memorial Baptist Church in Portland, Oregon. It is unknown, however, if he ever joined this denomination. He would later recollect over four decades later that he believed, "On being baptized I knew God then and there gave me HIS HOLY SPIRIT!" Despite his own unique teaching on baptism his own account is noteworthy for the absence of any mention of the process of laying on of hands or a special prayer in the dispensation of the Holy Spirit, which were considered fundamental for membership in the Worldwide Church of God and reason for many a new convert's rebaptism.

Hinson church, mid-1950s

What! No laying on of hands? Maybe Dave Pack could explain that away. Or Bob Thiel with the undocumented ThD.

There's a separate Wikipedia entry on Herb's younger brother, hymn writer Dwight. Again, Hinson Baptist is mentioned.

Subsequently, both Armstrong brothers were baptized during the Pentecost season of that year by Dr. Dean, pastor of the Hinson Memorial Baptist Church in Portland, Oregon. In the 1986 edition of Herbert W. Armstrong's Autobiography edited by Dr. Herman L. Hoeh, on pages 416-417, it is suggested that Dwight answered an altar call given by his brother in December 1930 in Harrisburg, Oregon, and was subsequently baptized by his brother.

Does this mean Dwight was rebaptized by Herb? Sadly neither Herman nor the Armstrong brothers are in a position to explain what happened.

And what about Loma?

Joe Tkach - or possibly his ghostwriter - in Transformed by Truth also noted these Baptist roots.

In the midtwenties... was baptized by the pastor of the Hinson Memorial Baptist Church in Portland, Oregon. Mr. Armstrong once said of this pastor, "The man is the most godly man in all of Portland." There is some reason to suppose that Mr. Armstrong attended the Bible school which was associated with Hinson at that time; this Bible school met at the Portland library at the time Mr. Armstrong was beginning his studies.

As the photograph on Banned shows, Hinson Memorial Baptist Church is still there in Portland. One wonders how many members of the congregation today know that "Hogwash Herb" once warmed their pews.

Beyond Today - Clinging to the mold

(This is the first in the current series reviewing various COG publications)

The May-June issue of Beyond Today is out. If you thought the lads in UCG were interested in breaking the mouldy old mold by rebranding their flagship magazine, you must be hugely disappointed.

BI is back (not that it ever left) with a major back cover ad for the awful booklet some of us hoped UCG was quietly trying to drop.

Misogyny reigneth again. Not even one token woman listed in the staff box. There is an article by Janet Treadway though. Just a one-page reflection on the birth of a grandchild (congratulations Janet, lovely photo). But it still seems clear the lads wouldn't be happy having a female byline accompanying a big-boy-type article (you know, prophecy, tithing...)

The rest of the issue is pretty predictable. Scott Ashley editorialises his literal reading of the magic millennium. A "final crescendo" is building. The end-times armies will gather to Jerusalem to be wiped out by the armies of heaven. Happy days!

That well-known expert on the Middle East, Darris McNeely, pontificates on why Jerusalem is so very important. Darris was involved in "the big dig" in 1971, so he's clearly a pundit without peer.

Scott Ashley is back with an imperious bit of American exceptionalism, a flag-draped article about "The Global Power Vacuum". Let me get this straight, Scott doesn't vote, belongs to a supposedly apolitical sect, and yet races around his office on a mobility scooter chanting U.S.A.! U.S.A.!? The reason is - should there be any doubt - "Bible prophecy", which Scott naturally understands in great detail. The article concludes:

America is heading down a dark and dangerous path, and so is the rest of the world. Bible prophecy reveals where this path will lead—to a terrifying conclusion where, if not for God’s direct intervention, human life would be exterminated from all the earth (Matthew 24:21-22). 

You don’t need to tread this same path. You’re offered a much different way, a far better way, revealed in the pages of this magazine and your Bible. Instead of a vacuum of purpose in your life, you can fill your life with the understanding and real power that comes only from God. 

We hope and pray that you’ll choose wisely!

Then there's a nice little ad for their BI booklet to help make it all clear.

Apparently the US is heading toward some kind of election - who would have guessed it? - so Mike Kelley has radically rewritten the old chestnut article on voting. Mike assures us that "God doesn't oppose wealth", which is comforting given all the counterindications in the New Testament about eyes of needles and suchlike. But no, be ye reassured.

Helping those in poverty is often viewed as a hallmark of liberalism. But genuine concern for the poor seeks to alleviate their plight permanently through different means—by encouraging private charity and reducing wasteful human government programs and regulations to allow economic freedom leading to wealth creation and greater prosperity for all, including the poor.

Moreover, Jesus compared himself to a wealthy man. So there! The Koch brothers must love this guy.

The Bible does make a case for a liberty-oriented economy — what we would today call true capitalism or, perhaps better put, private property and free exchange.

Really? Can't wait for that booklet.

A number of readers may share Mike's weltanschauung, but it's hardly unbiased and is arguably inappropriate for a denominational publication. It does demonstrate the ongoing narrowing of COG engagement with the wider world, and a departure from the usual call for readers to disengage from the electoral process. I'm guessing - and I may be going out on a limb here - that Mike doesn't "feel the Bern".

Steve Myers writes about the Sabbath, "a precious place in time". Indeed, he describes it as "God's Sabbath benefit plan". Apparently it's the best thing since well before sliced bread.

Scott Ashley returns - obviously, he's been earning his salary this month - with an article on the Holy Spirit. Perhaps someone can explain why COG writers capitalize Holy Spirit when they believe it is a force not a person? Briefly, in the distant past, the WCG style guide seemed to flip on this issue and, for a very short time in the 1970s, it was holy spirit. Barely time to blink and it was back to capital letters "unto this very day".

Not to be outdone, Darris McNeely grabs his violin and pays a tithing sonata. Less said the better.

Someone who doesn't want to be identified by name has contributed an article called "The Valuable Benefits and Purpose of Bible Prophecy." As we say in this part of the world, "yeah, right!" Vince Szymkowiak writes about Pentecost and there's another anonymous bit of waffle about decision making.

This thing reads more like the Philadelphia Trumpet each month.

The PDF is available to download.

(Coming up next: Discern)

Spanking

Spanking was de rigueur in the Worldwide Church of God. Parents were expected to spank (smack) their kids, as anyone who read The Plain Truth About Childrearing knew. Stories were told of the Ambassador College workshop producing wooden paddles so noisy youngsters could be disciplined during services at the Feast of Tabernacles. Today, the leading ex-WCG crusader against this kind of practice is Samuel Martin, son of former AC theology prof. Ernest L. Martin. There's no doubt in my mind that Martin has it right; spanking kids is a stupid, repugnant practice.

And the research backs it up. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology (summarized here) reveals the links to difficulties kids face later in life. Of course, this was by no means just a COG issue. It's believed that, worldwide, 80% of children are spanked. Even in countries like New Zealand where the practice is illegal, conservative lobbyists wail, gibber and bemoan the development and there is widespread sympathy for parents who break the law. To which one can only reply, read the research for yourself.

The crazy thing is that in the church we were taught that God was the ultimate abusive parent, getting prepared to spank (that's the word Rod "Spanky" Meredith used again and again to describe it) the nations of modern (make-believe) Israel - the United States, Britain and the "white commonwealth" (whatever that is). Even now, the Eternal of Hosts has the divine paddle raised to wreak his displeasure. Famine, flood, epidemic, earthquake... look out below!

It's a fairly sick portrait of God.

(Samuel Martin's book, Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me, is available to download here.)

Occluded Vision

Hulme

It seems to be official. The Hulmerous publication Vision - the pet project of David Hulme - is no more. At least in print form.

The latest issue, Winter 2016, is available, but only online as a collection of web articles.

Even then, with no further postage and printing costs, Dave pleads poverty: "Our quarterly online journal Vision is free of charge, but resources are limited."

Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

Money is tight brethren and costs need to be slashed. How many people do you think have been bumped off the payroll?

Weirdly, there isn't as much as a PDF magazine facsimile, or a flipping book version - the sort of thing COGWA do with their bimonthly Discern publication. Apparently it's all too hard.

Perhaps Dave, a onetime World Tomorrow presenter and founding president of the United Church of God (which he subsequently abandoned) has taken a drop in salary to go with the new austerity drive? That seems unlikely.

So is there a future for Hulme's secretive COGAIC? We know that a lot of its ministerial talent has, like rats, jumped ship. How its membership is holding up in the wake of all that trauma is hard to tell, COGAIC was never famous for its transparency. It is hard to imagine that the Hulmerous brethren will be elated by the media retrenchment, though.

Sixteen years after its launch Vision has been gutted and another ambitious COG splinter seems headed for the rocks.

I'm gonna cark it brethren

Do Americans use the term "cark it"? Perhaps not, in which case here's the skinny.

After reading Gary's latest post, inspired by Meredith's recent Passover epistle, the expression seemed appropriate. Meredith is preparing the faithful flock for his soon-coming demise. Here's the relevant section.

Some observations. Rod lists eleven names of the dearly departed, all blokes, all ministers. In the dim domains of Meredith's religion, there is apparently only one gender that counts, and those who pound pulpits are of superior significance. He doesn't even bother to name his significant others.

Next, Meredith assumes nobody is expecting him - God's most important representative on Planet Earth - to go the way of all flesh. It's true that there will likely be ructions and eruptions in the wake of Rod's passing, but that will hardly be unexpected. The vultures have been gathering for some time (to study the meaning of Matthew 24:28 no doubt). Younger members of LCG, in particular, have long considered Rod well past his use-by date. Sorry Rod, nobody is indispensable, most particularly those who consider themselves indispensable.

Rod is the last of the original Armstrong evangelists. He preached for decades that the World Tomorrow would dawn in his lifetime. He was wrong. Embarrassingly wrong. As was Herb. As was Ted. As were the elect eleven listed. Gotta share the news, brethren, it isn't coming anytime soon either, not in your lifetime nor mine, not anytime this side of the Sun going supernova. The magic millennium is based on a facile reading of the Good Book. It'll be a chilly day in hell when the chiliasts are proven right.

Why wait for Rod to cark it, with all the expected "after match" drama. Now is a great time to walk away.

Loopyness, loopholes and leavening

What's in and what's out during the Days of Unleavened Bread? For the more myopic COGophiles Jewish understanding of the Tanakh doesn't really matter, only what their own authorities have decreed. John Carmack of COGWA, for example, can pontificate: "It should be noted, however, that modern-day Jews keep "Passover" as a seven-day celebration, mixing the two celebrations of Passover and the Days/Feast of Unleavened Bread together. However, the Bible makes it clear that they are two separate celebrations." Don't worry about all those rabbis and Talmudic scholars down the centuries, it's our own less-than-a-century-old tradition of fundamentalist dilettantes, founded by a failed ad salesman with alcohol issues, that has the inside track. Oh yeah, that's credible.

When it comes to advice on what can and can't be consumed over the period of unleavened bread, the Jewish approach is varied, as demonstrated in this article from Atlas Obscura (thanks for the link, Bill! I still mourn the passing of your website.) Kareth, chametz, kitniyot... I don't know about you, but I've been pushed up the learning curve. Nothing is, it seems, as simple as it first appears.

There's a bigger issue here, though: what species of arrogance does it take for an ostensibly Christian group to appropriate Jewish traditions, modify them, impose new meanings to fit in with their literalist eschatology, and then imply that they can teach someone else's granny how to suck eggs?

It gets even worse when we're dealing with the Feast of Tabernacles, but in the spirit of Leviticus 23:4 - declaring the holy days in their seasons - let's leave that till later in the year.

For those folk who are observing the COG version of DUB, I hope everything goes well. But do keep an open mind, and do remember that your pastor and his bosses are winging it when it comes to the details.

Date Line Lunacy (updated)

Pre-2011 Date Line

Well, dusk has turned to dark and the Passover has now "passed over" New Zealand, the first major country in the world to meet each new day as it emerges out of thin air over the International Date Line. Welcome to the Days of Unleavened Bread.

Of course, our Aussie brethren might want to challenge the assertion about "major country," but we'll bide our time: if the cane toads don't get them first then global warming will eventually.

But seriously, how do people outside "the Holy Land" know that they're observing their sacred days on the right days? Why not have the date line in the middle of the Atlantic instead of the Pacific?

Regrettably, there's no proof text at hand. The problem of where to plonk the changeover line never occurred to the biblical writers. As far as they were concerned the earth was flat: heaven above (with Yahweh somewhere beyond the starry canopy), hades below. When the sun went down it passed over bare rocky nether regions that opened out onto nothingness before ascending once more into the bright domains of humankind.

Apparently Yahweh, despite being omniscient, was unaware of the problems that migration to the "Down Under" zone would create. Or the New World for that matter. The International Date Line was eventually set by mere mortals over a few gin and tonics.

Then there's the issue of the kink in the dateline over Tonga. Being sensible, intelligent and perceptive people the Tongans naturally wanted to be on the Kiwi side of the line, but the cartographers wanted to put them in company with the Americas. No wonder they objected! Thus, the dateline was amended - and a bump was created to put Tonga on its preferred side of the temporal chasm.

As I understand it, Seventh-day Adventists in Tonga keep two sabbaths each week as a result: both Saturday and Sunday. Why? Well, the LORD seems not to have spoken specifically on the dented dateline, so they play safe... just in case!

I'm not sure whether there are any Adventists on Kiribati, but there the problem is even more glaring. Until January 1st, 1995 Kiribati was on the Western side of the date line, but the micro-nation decided - again, who can blame them - to grab a day's march on the rest of the world, and thereby become the first place on the planet to welcome in the new millennium (and grab a lot of free publicity.) Boy, I bet the heavenly Department of Holy Days was cheesed off about that one!

Among the calendar fanatics who want to argue about solar/lunar/360 and suchlike, I've yet to come across a single one of these geniuses who can give a poor Tongan, Kiwi or Aussie a bit of biblical assurance that they're not a day out.

In the absence of a solution to this enigma, the whole concept of "Holy Time" outside the Middle East becomes meaningless.

SDA's are given to statements like: "Some people believe the placement of the International Date Line was achieved under divine guidance." Yes, doubtless, but it also logically follows that other people - outside the Saturday/Sunday Sabbatarian gulags - don't. What's needed is proof - or failing that, at least a nice proof text. Vic? Rod? Gerry? Bob? ... Anybody?

None of this has much to do with the spiritual significance of a eucharistic celebration. The Lord's Supper would be the Lord's Supper for observant Christians anywhere. But let's be clear, there is a real problem if you shackle it to a legalistic calculation of "holy time."

Herbert Armstrong always postured about sending a certified bank cheque to anyone who could mail in a Bible verse that commanded Sunday observance. I'm tempted to repeat the offer on the dateline issue. Clearly I won't need to go running to the bank anytime soon.

But if you do come up with a proof text, please be sure to mail it with a Kiribati stamp.

***

A version of the above post first appeared here in 2009. Since then things have continued to get, in the words of Lewis Carroll,  "curiouser and curiouser". The graphic at the top of this piece from 2009 is now inaccurate. In 2011 Samoa flipped over, skipping a Friday and moving straight from Thursday to Saturday, reversing an earlier change made in the 1890s. This latest flip-flop created an anomaly with neighbouring American Samoa, which is now once again a full day behind. In Pago Pago it may be Friday, but just a few kilometers to the west in Apia it's now Saturday.

Ever been told that the seven-day cycle has never been broken? Bullgeschichte.

Little surprise then that it engendered a crisis for the nation's Seventh-day Adventists, many of who have believing relatives in the adjoining jurisdiction, historically just a canoe journey away. Which day is true Sabbath now? If you parked your canoe for a spot of fishing on the invisible line that separates the waters of American Samoa from Samoa, what would you do? When exactly should the Holy Days fall? Can't you just hear one of the COG preachers screeching "brethren, your eternal future is at stake!" But they don't. I wonder why?

If you're awaiting an article in Tomorrow's World or Beyond Today to settle such deep matters, probably best not to hold your breath.

Amen!

Lonnie Hendrix hits the proverbial nail on the noggin with a post on leavening/de-leavening. Even if you're committed to hardtack for the week ahead, the message is still very relevant.

A question for fellow Kiwis and Aussies who have doubtless pondered this question as deeply as I have. Are our shared cultural icons Vegemite and Marmite, both yeast extracts, technically unleavened?

Online here later today a somewhat-related post about calculating Sabbaths and Holy Days, with absolutely nothing to do with to the idiocies of New Moons and Barley harvests that some of the freakier COG sects obsess about.

Old Macdonald had a farm...

The anonymous commentator at Church of God News has this to say about the Flurry college.

There had been no news of developments at Edstone in England since the opening of the college in January 2015, until a post in February 2016 by Brandi Davis that Edstone Welcomes Six New Residents - that’s six pregnant Suffolk sheep, not students. 

“Mr. Macdonald (PCG’s Regional Director) chose this breed because they are a large breed, good for barbequing on the spit ... Mr. Macdonald also plans to add chickens to Edstone’s agricultural program in the spring.” 

Brad Macdonald has a farm? Why? ... “having a small flock of sheep on the rural English campus is another way Edstone seeks to raise the ruins of the Ambassador College campuses. Ambassador’s campus in Bricket Wood, Hertfordshire, also had an agricultural program, of which Mrs. Howard’s brother (uncle of Edstone’s office manager) was head cattleman. The 1,600-acre Ambassador campus in Big Sandy, Texas, also had a large agricultural program."

Now in April there have been 3 posts by Brandi Davis. 

A visit to the French and Belgian brethren was hampered somewhat by none of the Americans being able to speak French and most of the French and Belgians not being able to speak English. 

She then reported on the record increase in response to the Key of David, which is broadcast on the CBS Reality TV channel at 8.00am on Sundays, following the Living Church of God’s ‘Tomorrow’s World’ broadcast.) 

The most recent post was a day in the life of an Edstone student: 

“Up at 5am ... the fitness center for a 20-minute workout ... shower ... TheTrumpet.com for morning headlines over sips of (freshly ground and brewed Ethiopian roast) coffee ... Malachi’s Message for Bible study.” (Not the final book of the Old Covenant, but God’s Revelation to Gerald Flurry.)

What is it that creates the kind of student mentality that PCG caters to? I get that most (all?) of these kids come from PCG homes. I get that many, having little hope of getting into a major college, grab the chance to get a piece of paper from the bargain aisle - affordable fees, nice facilities. even international travel. I get that there would be pressure from mummies and daddies laying it on the line about Flurry's college being their only option. And I get that the "first families" of Flurrydom are onto a very good deal indeed with kid glove treatment for those in the preferred gene pool. But these kids grow up in the same world everybody else does; reality TV, Facebook, Pandora, hormones and a drive to become independent people... How many are just playing the game by the rules set for them, biding their time?

The experience of those born into a high demand religious movement is different from those who were recruited from their late teens onward. In WCG the dropout rate of kids raised in the faith was huge. It's hard to imagine PCG is any different. One wonders what percentage of those bright-eyed young folk heading to Edmond or Edstone actually graduate with their junk degrees? And of those who endure unto the end, how many will remain in the Flurry fiefdom for the longer term?